FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

Sorry for you Mo. Bide your time. Watch carefully and don't let him manipulate you or the situation.

I've had all those thoughts sadly: he'll try and use it as a bargaining tool - or his family will - and also i did have the crazy thought that it could be a lie but didn't think anyone else would think that too! Thought I was mad for thinking it. It is just very bizarre timing.
Anyway as I've had a while to think about it, I know it doesn't change anything, doesn't change what I've been through, how he's behaved or how I feel.
My instinct - like any human - is just to want to comfort him, but I can't. It's a horrible thing to have happened and to go through, with our separation on top of it all.

...want to comfort him, but I can't

You are right, you can't. That doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic, but don't get dragged in. If he wants a hug, the children are there. Is it the sort of tragedy that will affect them, like his mother - their grandmother - falling ill? If so, they will need comforting and are absolutely legitimately the priority.

You are by no means the only one who has noted the convenience of the timing.

You are actually brilliant and anyone would be slightly suspicious. It changes nothing, as you say. History cannot be rewritten. Have you had confirmation from a third party?

If you need to respond, you could just say "You all have my sincere sympathies - what a truly tragic thing to have happened"

Neutral stuff like that, where you're not so much singling out him for sympathy but more being sympathetic to his wider family as a whole.

An aside: on the short sharp response repartee, Kitty has given you another peach. "History cannot be rewritten"

You're not crazy, Mo. On the contrary, you're getting Very Sane Indeed.

It should be crazy, though! It should be the height of crazy to have to think such things of your loved one! But you know it isn't, and what does that tell you about him and your shared dynamic?!? Nothing good...

He lies and lies and lies. The smartest, SANEST thing you can do is not believe him. Even if he tells the truth about one thing, doesn't mean the next won't be a big fat whopper. And if you've grown [cynical] enough to know this in your core, who can blame you?

I thought that too (twenty second by the looks of it!) totally depends how he uses this- if stops him talking with you dealing with separation maintence etc then he will just be using as a excuse even if it is genuine. Losing your wife and kids would surely count as the bigger crisis.

Mo, thinking of you

I can't verify it, have no way of doing so. I guess I can look up obituaries or mention of it in local press. I'm holding on very carefully to all the information I've been given and to see if it all adds up.
I cannot believe such a thing could be invented, but as you say, it all depends on if it's brought up at when it's convenient for him.
He suffered two types of losses now, and although to most it would count as a double blow, the way he's reacted to the loss of me and his kids is not like a loss at all. But I don't think that's sunk in either. I wish they would hurry up with those maintenance enforcement papers.

Hmm. It sounds a bit sketchy then. You are right to be cautious. I was wondering if he'd got his knob caught in the blender, but it sounds more serious than that, if true. You are wise though. You will see, if you keep looking.

Definitely look up obituaries. I don't know if there's a nationwide obituary site where you are - here in Ireland we have a great one called rip.ie where you literally just put in the surname and all the funeral details are there. Sounds ghoulish but bloody handy!

Do you know the area where the death occurred? East Devon, for example. Are you 'friends' with any of his family on FB? It's spawn of the devil imo, but FB could be helpful in this case, see if anyone has put up a sadface or something.

Drop into a message that after you heard the news you got a card and you must remember To send it tomorrow

Wonder if a death in the family would get him home quicker than being told his marriage is dead?

It just doesn't matter what it is.

Mo, sympathy to you, but you to provide civilised sympathy to him. No more, no less.

You, remember, are now distanced, looking godlike on all the machinations of poor stupid mortals below.. From time to time they get it wrong. Stand back, pursue your DivineMo agenda.

Yes, as cheap knows and you do from another thread I need the car. Often.

If you are doubtful...

You could always send a text/email to family/friends passing on your condolences.....and then see what they say when they message etc back?

cause if it is a load of bollocks you will have profe of his lie, or if it is indeed true then you have done the right thing and passed on your condolences

Just a thought.

OK scrapping the crazy idea it's all been fabricated. It can't have been. Other people have been told (family) and it is genuine. Terribly tragic and - selfishly - for me, terrible timing.
He says he was really upset last night. But he didn't reach out to me, apart from telling me the facts, in a very cold way. I keep thinking how very alone he must feel, no kids, no partner, this horrible thing that has happened, no one to comfort him, give him a hug, nothing. If it were me, I'd want to get here so fast to hug and squeeze my kids, the same way that you do when you are reminded how precious they are to you after a terrible event, personal to you or not. I am deeply saddened how he hasn't reached out to just speak to the kids, nothing. It's heartbreaking that he can be so detached.

Dear Mo, I feel your pain for what might have been.

There are circumstances when detached can be good.

Don't feel bad Mo it's his choice to not reach out. If you put other things above relationships then there is a price to pay. It might even mellow his feelings to the good stuff in life that counts maybe.

Mo his responses to many things aren't what you'd expect. I think it's a good thing he isn't expecting you to comfort him, you'd be torn emotionally if he was

I actually don't think his response would have been any different whether you were splitting up or not

This is a person who lets you find out from social media that he's taking a holiday. Detached. Detach. Detach.

You're right, it's his choice. All of this mess is because of his choices, not mine. Thank god I gave up my job to depend on him, because I'd never have seen him for who he really is and I'd have gone through my whole life miserable and never having the strength or impetus to leave.