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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not paying for her!

129 replies

Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 08:35

Dh and I haves difficult relationship. 2 Dc . 10 years married. I am sahm.
One of my issues is that he is a show off / holds court and likes to attract attention. I'm bloody tired. The latest incident happened about a month ago. We went for dinner with good friends. I could tell he had drank too much and was showing off. He was giving me the evils at one point, whilst smiling and laughing with the group. At the end, when the bill came, he said smiling that he was not going to pay for me.
The feeling of impotence was just burning .
I get a weekly budget. The restaurant in question is fancy and he knew it would take up at least 1/3 of my budget.it was late in the week and I didn't have enough money.
I just stood up left the table and drove home.
He has been apologetic, but I just can't forgive him. I won't be intimate with him. I'm disgusted. Also I need to GET A JOB.

OP posts:
LittleRedSparke · 26/03/2016 08:37

Yup on the get a job

And when you do dinner this week, just say "I'm not cooking for him"

Creampastry · 26/03/2016 08:38

That is beyond disgusting so good for you walking out. What a vile man. Your friends must have thought as much. How old are your kids? Could you get a job and regain some independence? Id also consider seeing a solicitor. Is the house in your name too?

99percentchocolate · 26/03/2016 08:39

Sorry, what is his appeal?

OneLove10 · 26/03/2016 08:40

Wow what a horrible thing to do for you in front of people. I doubt they have any good opinion of him now. Yes you need to get a job and support yourself.

kittybiscuits · 26/03/2016 08:40

And don't forgive him. He deliberately tried to shame you - the person he actually shamed was himself. Getting drunk, smiling and laughing and shooting you dirty looks. I used to live with this. LTB. You will never look back.

OrangeSquashTallGlass · 26/03/2016 08:41

Blimey. What did your friends say?

Belikethatthen · 26/03/2016 08:41

How humiliating. Well done for walking out. I hope he felt ashamed. Isn't it awful how some men treat their partners who they are supposed to love? I would have a short and long term plan to get out if I were you.

ARV1981 · 26/03/2016 08:42

Oh that's terribly cruel of him. Flowers

Rainatnight · 26/03/2016 08:42

Um, the issue isn't that he likes to hold court, but that he's financially controlling and emotionally abusive.

That was a horrible experience for you to go through. Poor you. Flowers

I agree with the getting a job, and I wonder if you also need to ask some questions about whether this is what you want out of life?

Snoopadoop · 26/03/2016 08:42

He's a complete prick. I wouldn't bother staying married to him. And I'd definitely get a job.

ZenNudist · 26/03/2016 08:43

Not be flippant but I'm getting in early with a LTB. Seriously. I don't care what good points this man has, this is financial abuse and you can't live like this.

So Yy to getting a job, then making a plan to get the hell away from him.

Steamgirl · 26/03/2016 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper · 26/03/2016 08:44

What a bastard, I hope your friends are disgusted with him too

I think you need a job, and a solicitor about a divorce, this can't have come out of nowhere?

mix56 · 26/03/2016 08:44

Your marriage is over.
Sorry...it was because he was drunk that he showed his real feelings.

gamerchick · 26/03/2016 08:45

Yes to the job.

Maybe it's time to take a good look at your relationship.

LittleRedSparke · 26/03/2016 08:45

The other thing, he humiliated himself, not you

He showed his friends what a Wanker he is
Start saving as much of your 'budget ' as you can

plimsolls · 26/03/2016 08:46

How cruel of him.

wizzywig · 26/03/2016 08:46

Nasty behaviour.

BastardGoDarkly · 26/03/2016 08:46

Jesus Christ, drunk or not, he's shown you exactly what he thinks of you. Listen to him. Flowers

category12 · 26/03/2016 08:46

Get a job, leave the bastard.

Chorltonswheelies422 · 26/03/2016 08:47

What a terrible experience for you, he was unforgivably cruel

You've seen his true colours now - go do what you need to get the life you want

DoreenLethal · 26/03/2016 08:48

If you had been a friend of mine, and that happened when I was dining with you - I'd have said that I would pay for you and for the solicitor to help you get rid of this total wanker.

SmallBee · 26/03/2016 08:48

Agree with the financial abuse.
How old are your DC? Does he treat you like this around them?
Well done for standing up and leaving, that is a really good way to have handled it I think.
I wouldn't put up with this from him anymore but only you know if the relationship is worth fighting for, do you think he even thinks he is wrong or just apologising for the easy life?

Looly71 · 26/03/2016 08:49

Can't quite believe what I'm reading! You are married so surely every expense is a joint one. I understand having a budget for everyday spending but sounds like if you run out of money then it's your problem? Get a job, try and save a little as a when you leave him rainy day fund and make sure you know how much he has as disposable income for future reference. I don't know how you can possibly ever go out for a meal with him ever again.

neonrainbow · 26/03/2016 08:49

What a bastard. It sounds like he's opened your eyes with his behaviour. You don't have to live like this.