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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not paying for her!

129 replies

Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 08:35

Dh and I haves difficult relationship. 2 Dc . 10 years married. I am sahm.
One of my issues is that he is a show off / holds court and likes to attract attention. I'm bloody tired. The latest incident happened about a month ago. We went for dinner with good friends. I could tell he had drank too much and was showing off. He was giving me the evils at one point, whilst smiling and laughing with the group. At the end, when the bill came, he said smiling that he was not going to pay for me.
The feeling of impotence was just burning .
I get a weekly budget. The restaurant in question is fancy and he knew it would take up at least 1/3 of my budget.it was late in the week and I didn't have enough money.
I just stood up left the table and drove home.
He has been apologetic, but I just can't forgive him. I won't be intimate with him. I'm disgusted. Also I need to GET A JOB.

OP posts:
dontknowwhatcomesnext · 26/03/2016 14:08

Oh, Advice, your husband is not a nice person. No. Really. I don't care how many nice things you can list off that he does. He is not a nice person. No excuses.

You may not be ready to hear/act on this right now, but try to repeat this to yourself on occasion: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

LeanneBattersby · 26/03/2016 14:20

What an awful, awful man.

He deliberately tried to humiliate you in front of your friends. It actually brought tears to my eyes when I read that OP. He is vile.

I hope you're ok. I don't think I could ever look at his face again,

MeganBacon · 26/03/2016 15:33

This is who he is and he's not changing. Even if you get a great job, you will spend your life being put down because it doesn't earn as much as his, or your time will be treated as less valuable than his. He is just nasty - maybe damaged and nasty but don't feel sorry for him or try to justify what makes him do it. It doesn't make any difference if he had been drinking, it's still who he is. I know someone who is married to a man like this and no matter how great she is (and she IS), she is continually put down by him and I just wish she'd left years ago when she still had the confidence.

I hope you're okay. Please think of your whole life in terms of spending it with this man and what it would do to you.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/03/2016 15:56

I'm entirely missing the point here but... he had too much to drink then DROVE HOME???

ImperialBlether · 26/03/2016 15:59

Not if she took the car, eatsleep.

ImperialBlether · 26/03/2016 16:00

I couldn't forgive him for that. He wanted to humiliate you and was too stupid to see that other people would have been embarrassed on his behalf, not yours. I would divorce him and then get a job.

Lottie2611 · 26/03/2016 16:19

What a prick

cees · 26/03/2016 16:55

He is an utter pig, you are doing the job of cook, cleaner, nanny and taxi. Tell him to fuck off. He has no respect for you at all.

SoThatHappened · 26/03/2016 16:58

I am glad he did that to you in public.

Because, you would have the support and sympathy of everyone at that table. They probably didnt know where to look after you walked out.

He's shown himself in public what a total cunt he is and no one will now be surprised if you split up.

I cant see any reason to stay with someone who publicly humiliates you.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 26/03/2016 18:21

Thanks Imperial, I misread. It's not like anyone even needed another reason to dislike this guy.

OP, I know what it's like to not want to be intimate with someone who humiliated you. The risk of being vulnerable with them is too great. In order to feel sexy many people need to feel empowered by their partners, not for their partners to big themselves up by putting them down - this guy is shooting himself in the foot! Does he know the extent of the impact of his behavior on you?

SauvignonBlanche · 26/03/2016 18:28

A weekly budget? Fuck that.
Marriage should be a partnership - of equals.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/03/2016 18:36

I'm sorry he embarrassed you but he's humiliated himself more by showing people what a cunt he is.

Original poster
Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 20:47

I don't have anything to say right now. Just thanks. It's good to get some perspective. It's been like we have been fighting for years now and I'm so sad.
I'm a bit dyslexic, I'm crap at maths and scatty. I pay fines late and an generally useless. He pulls me up on these things constantly. I feel so low, I think I used to be quite fun. In rl I want to leave him, but I can't fathom the idea of him having 50/50 with the kids. I know it works well for some. I'm not judging but I don't think I have the mental health capacity to watch them walk off with him, a new gf ...I'm really teary now so I'm not making sense at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/03/2016 20:51

How involved is he as a parent, do you really think he will actually want 50/50 and all that goes with doing that?

If the split was 50/50 he'd be taking on 50% of weekday school week overnights etc. i

Original poster
Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 20:54

Yes he will fight me 50/50 we have discussed this many times.
He is a good dad and loves them.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 26/03/2016 21:01

You're a stay at home mum. It's unlikely to be 50-50. More likely, you'll be resident parent and they'll go to him one night in the week and every other weekend. This arrangement is more likely when the children are young and need more childcare. If you postpone leaving him until the children are older and more independent, 50-50 becomes more feasible.

I don't believe that you are generally useless. I believe that you are a normal person with good points and some flaws just like all the rest of us but that he is emotionally abusive and has convinced you that you are defective.

Berthatydfil · 26/03/2016 21:01

He is not a good dad if he humiliated their mother like that.

themumfairy · 26/03/2016 21:05

I just want to give you a big hug. You deserve so much more.
Have your friends mentioned it to you?
He's shattered your confidence so you'll put up with him.

VegasIsBest · 26/03/2016 21:10

He sounds horrible. You can't put up with this - it will make your kids lives miserable as well as yours.

binkiesandpopcorns · 26/03/2016 21:16

I hate saying LTB. But there's nothing else to be said here. He actually took delight in making you feel uncomfortable in front of all your friends Sad. Get a job and get out as fast as you can. And don't fall for the "I'll change" routine when he tries it

TheWrathofNaan · 26/03/2016 21:29

How old are your children? How long would you have to keep going with him till they are grown?

haveacupoftea · 26/03/2016 21:36

He's a knob. Leave him.

Btw I'm scatty, pay things late and so on. But it doesn't make me a bad person. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

Original poster
Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 21:50

My mum really wants me to make it work. My parents are divorced and my mum is angry at ME for putting myself in this situation . She always wanted me to work. I feel a lot of pressure from her and my extended family to just grin and bear it. My grandmother advises me to make an art out of not responding to his crap. He's not all bad, but I never ever should have become so not present in my own life.im depressed. I sleep A Lot.

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/03/2016 21:57

Your mum WANTS you to stay in an abusive relationship?

Nice.

I had this too, whole family. When I got stronger it became clearer that they were invested in my misery.

How would you feel if your dc were being his badly treated. Would this be all you wanted fornthem?

kittybiscuits · 26/03/2016 22:06

Same here. I left ex and also left family behind. I can recommend it. It's tough though to make it happen. Your Mum doesn't have your interests at heart.