Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not paying for her!

129 replies

Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 08:35

Dh and I haves difficult relationship. 2 Dc . 10 years married. I am sahm.
One of my issues is that he is a show off / holds court and likes to attract attention. I'm bloody tired. The latest incident happened about a month ago. We went for dinner with good friends. I could tell he had drank too much and was showing off. He was giving me the evils at one point, whilst smiling and laughing with the group. At the end, when the bill came, he said smiling that he was not going to pay for me.
The feeling of impotence was just burning .
I get a weekly budget. The restaurant in question is fancy and he knew it would take up at least 1/3 of my budget.it was late in the week and I didn't have enough money.
I just stood up left the table and drove home.
He has been apologetic, but I just can't forgive him. I won't be intimate with him. I'm disgusted. Also I need to GET A JOB.

OP posts:
givepeasachance · 26/03/2016 09:44

You can't come back from things like this. They are too fundamentally wounding and represent a total clash of values.

He just sounds like a total cock.

You can carry on and try your best to appease, make a 'home for the kids', but I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and there's much more going on.

If you were my friend I'd be saying that you have to accept you are married to a nasty horrible pig. And you now have to decide on what you are worth - what he says you are worth (not even dinner) or what you actually are.

He's not a husband.

Notonthestairs · 26/03/2016 09:48

First of all he shamed and humiliated himself. I can not imagine being round that table and not thinking what a utter dick Advice's husband is. I suspect everyone else would have thought the same as me. I think it sounds like you behaved with a great deal of dignity in the situation he put you in.

It was clearly a power thing. I agree with the other posters - he thinks that he's better than you.

I am not sure where you go from here - does he have any redeeming features? Do you think he realises what he stands to lose? I dont think I could come back from this without seeing some real soul searching from him.

Wdigin2this · 26/03/2016 09:48

One word....getoutathere!

ivykaty44 · 26/03/2016 09:53

How much does he contribute to paying the nanny? Oh don't you have one as you are the nanny. How much does he pay towards the cleaner, the cook, the taxi service for the 2dc and the list goes on.

You do work op and your oh needs to realise that financially

givepeasachance · 26/03/2016 09:53

It's possible by the way to all those asking how the friends acted that they didn't say anything.

I've experienced these men a lot and they can be extremely persuasive and engaging and he certainly won't have been so stupid as to not set OP up even further with a subtle backdrop of "I pay for everything", "she's not got a job" "oh I'll get dinner AGAIN" type of comment to the friends, obviously not so stupidly blatant but the messages are usually there.

It's just another form of the abuse and friends often find it hard to distinguish what it truly going on "two sides" "we'll just keep out of it"

But OP, actions speak louder than words. He limits your access to money and then humiliated you for having no access to money. You know the truth so don't worry if the friends never said anything, they'll have been primed by him.

ApocalypseNowt · 26/03/2016 09:57

Good on you for walking out of the restaurant. Now keep walking....far away from him and his controlling behaviour.

I wonder how your friends reacted after you'd gone? I'm thinking they might have had a go at him and that's why he's apologising?

wiccamum · 26/03/2016 10:01

I really cannot understand why someone who is supposed to love you can do this, and to the mother of his children!?! Both my DH and I work and I do appreciate that with one income you need to budget...so why would he go to that particular restaurant, knowing the cost, if not to set you up and make a point?
Even though we have two incomes, we still have an "allowance" each month, but it's the same for both of us and we spend it on what we want or need (so I spend a bit more of mine on hair/make up but I tend to buy cheaper clothes, he spends a wee bit more on his clothes ect). But if we go out to eat/gig/whatever, then it's a joint decision.

L. T. B.

wiccamum · 26/03/2016 10:04

Ivykaty, you've hit the nail there!...can I suggest OP that you produce a "bill" for him each month, for all the services YOU provide? Does he think what you do is not skilled, stressful and labour intensive? Wanker.

EweAreHere · 26/03/2016 10:07

I'm so sorry, OP.

He has shown his true colours and his feelings about you, and they aren't good. He resents you, and has publicly humiliated you.

Your marriage is over. Please seek legal advice. Don't let your children live in a house where your husband treats you with open hostility and resentment. Don't let them think this is acceptable. You deserve so much better.

newname99 · 26/03/2016 10:08

Just agreeing with everyone else,shocking awful behaviour.

You behaved really well so your instincts work for you.Walking out calmly was dignified and backfired on him.Had you thrown a drink he would now be able to 'blame' you.

Msqueen33 · 26/03/2016 10:11

You have a budget? We have a joint account. I'm a sahm but all money is shared. My dh would never go into a restaurant and pay for just one of us. I do a lot of things in the home that enable him to have a busy full on job and also do a few evening activities. Frankly your husband sounds disgusting.

FishWithABicycle · 26/03/2016 10:17

LTB. Honestly. What a git.

Hissy · 26/03/2016 10:17

He's aBusive.

He won't change, and the example being set to your children will harm their futures/relationships.

Get a job, get legal advice and get the hell out.

Financial abuse is recognised now in law etc, so go full throttle and get the best deal you can to look after your children

fatowl · 26/03/2016 10:18

It's a MN 100% consensus- he's a wanker.
My DH can be an arse, esp with a few glasses of wine inside him, but he would never never do something so humiliating.

Please please make plans to leave.
You don't want your dc to think this a normal dynamic.

When you do leave, make sure his social circle that he likes to show off to know how much of a complete wanker he has been to you and his DCs. Financial abuse and humiliating the mother of his DC is never a good light.

Hissy · 26/03/2016 10:18

Your good friends might help you?

stitch10yearson · 26/03/2016 10:23

I would be interested to note what the reaction of the others at the dinner was. I know that I would be dropping such a person like a stone from my friends circle.

I had such a 'd'h. But his financial abuse was all behind closed doors. But it was still obvious. He was too stupid to realise that whilst he may be wearing designer stuff, me in the same outfit for three years showed off his miserliness. I could go on at length, but getting a job isnt enough. You are already doing a job, looking after the kids. What you need to do is leave him. and do so in style. Take him for every penny he has never given you.

Aprille · 26/03/2016 10:27

Well, he will have an uphill struggle to blacken your character among friends when you dump him with actions like that. He can claim all sorts but your mutual friends will remember his cruelty last night.

If I was sitting around that table, I would be appalled. At him. I would be very concerned to see that my friend is in an abusive relationship and I would be doing what ever I could to help her break free from him. You obviously feel utterly humiliated but honestly, YOU have nothing to be humiliated about. He's shown everyone the full measure of him and its not a nice picture.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/03/2016 10:28

I don't know if you're in the UK, OP, but the time you posted - and a month after this hideous incident - suggest that you've been brooding over this and finally decided you need to reach out and do something about it

Brilliantly well done; it's a hard thing to do when you've been so thoroughly crushed and it's perhaps the most important step of all

I can't improve on what others have said about the situation with him, but would suggest that what you need now is professional advice. Of course this costs money, so if this is going to be an issue, I'm wondering if you have a womens' centre or similar near you? Places like this can be invaluable in signposting help (as can GPs believe it or not) and I'm sure other posters will have lots of good suggestions too

Pinkheart5915 · 26/03/2016 10:52

He is a very rude man. A very nasty thing to do.
I do get shocked on mumsnet about how partners treat SAHM sometimes

Good for you walking out and driving home, I like hearing of women that are strong enough to stand up for themselves.
I wouldn't want to be intimate with him either, and I can't believe he thinks he can just say a meaningless sorry and it will all be forgotten.

Get yourself a job if that is what you want, go for it!

seasideview · 26/03/2016 12:40

I don't think he loves you, does he? In fact, what he did was downright hateful. I'd leave him, really I would. he sounds vile. You don't treat your nearest and dearest like this.

PennyHasNoSurname · 26/03/2016 12:42

Unless he also has an equal weekly budget this us financial abuse.

Have the friends you dined with been in touch? If Id witnessed that I would be exceptionally concerned.

OliviaBenson · 26/03/2016 13:03

I'll bet you any money the only reason he has been apologetic is because he showed this side of him to his friends. He won't be sorry he did it to you, just that his mask slipped in front of others. I'm not surprised you can't forgive him. What do you want to do OP?

AyeAmarok · 26/03/2016 13:13

I bet your friends think he's an absolute wazock now, and have no idea why you're with him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/03/2016 13:58

I'd be mortified if I saw a friends dh doing this to her. The people in our family who like to hold court make the worst spouses.

Street Angel, house devil.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 26/03/2016 14:03

God that's unforgivable. He must have a very low opinion of you to humiliate you like that in front of your friends. You're right, get a job and use it to pay for a divorce.