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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not paying for her!

129 replies

Adviceneeded1 · 26/03/2016 08:35

Dh and I haves difficult relationship. 2 Dc . 10 years married. I am sahm.
One of my issues is that he is a show off / holds court and likes to attract attention. I'm bloody tired. The latest incident happened about a month ago. We went for dinner with good friends. I could tell he had drank too much and was showing off. He was giving me the evils at one point, whilst smiling and laughing with the group. At the end, when the bill came, he said smiling that he was not going to pay for me.
The feeling of impotence was just burning .
I get a weekly budget. The restaurant in question is fancy and he knew it would take up at least 1/3 of my budget.it was late in the week and I didn't have enough money.
I just stood up left the table and drove home.
He has been apologetic, but I just can't forgive him. I won't be intimate with him. I'm disgusted. Also I need to GET A JOB.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 26/03/2016 22:11

Your mum and grandmother sound like they live 100 years ago. Don't divorce to save face...You deserve better than all of them.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/03/2016 22:15

He works full time how will he practically have the children full time.

He will have to take care of them, feed them, do school runs, bathe them, dress them, make sure they make school on time and all the related school stuff too.

Unless he gets another girlfriend immediately he's not going to manage 50:50 even if he got it.
Which he won't as you are the main carer.

Ohfourfoxache · 26/03/2016 22:32

Christ love, you sound mentally and emotionally beaten Sad

You are NOT useless. He is abusive and has zapped all your self worth and confidence.

You need to get this cunt out of your life. Actually, he isn't a cunt - he lacks the depth and warmth Hmm

RandomMess · 26/03/2016 22:50

Him going for 50/50 is a threat to keep you beaten into submission.

Huge hugs & Flowers you deserve to get this nasty arse out of your life.

He is emotional and financial abusive which is illegal and entitles you to legal aid.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 26/03/2016 23:00

He has really ground you down and you need to start kicking back and finding yourself again.

Your mum and gran know nothing. Flowers

LindyHemming · 26/03/2016 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TendonQueen · 26/03/2016 23:28

So your mum thinks you made a mistake in becoming an SAHM, and now your situation has changed, she thinks you should stick with the mistaken situation and not try to change it? How does that even make sense? Does she want you to stay married because she didn't? Whatever it's about, as others have said, it's not putting your best interests at heart. Have you got any friends who would be supportive?

dasso · 26/03/2016 23:38

I am shocked by the advice your mum an grandmother are giving you, you need to get a job an get your self-worth back, it sounds like you have been beaten down by it all, I also want to give you a hug.

ravenmum · 26/03/2016 23:44

Tell your mum that you can't make it work all on your own, with no cooperation from him. Ugh, who knows what baggage from her own divorce she is trying to pass on to you?

Your grandma grew up at a time when you probably did have to grin and bear it to some extent, but you live in different times.

You are so low that you can't see a way out, and can just see all the obstacles that might arise. But that is the depression and whittled-down self-esteem making you see things that way. You would be amazed how much can change when you start reclaiming your life, living again. Even the pain of the changes is better in many ways than the thick skin of emotionlessness you have to develop to live with a bloodsucker like that.

bloodyteenagers · 26/03/2016 23:49

Tell your mother that if she thinks he is a worthwhile person, then she can bloody well live with him after you have divorced
Him.

Atenco · 27/03/2016 00:31

No wonder you are depressed, OP. You cannot live like this and your children cannot see you being treated like this.

You may have difficulty with arithmetic, but lots of other people do too and are well able to survive in this world, so are you.

kickassangel · 27/03/2016 00:41

Get a job if you want to - but really, you should be valued and loved just for being you. Bringing up his kids for him is a huge contribution. IT would cost a fortune to pay someone to do everything that you do.

Perhaps present him with a bill for your services for one week (cleaning, 30 quid an hour, childcare, depends how many kids, but lots, cooking, banking etc).
If he employed a full time housekeeper, AND a nanny, they still wouldn't cover what you do, and would cost a huge amount more.

Why not spend half an hour with a solicitor, get all the paperwork together, and see how well off you'd be if you did split up? I'm not saying LTB, but at least be aware of what your situation would be.

I bet you'd find your depression disappeared, and that suddenly you found being organized a whole load easier.

kickassangel · 27/03/2016 00:43

ANd I LOVE that you walked out - bet that was a shock for him!

paddlenorapaddle · 27/03/2016 10:44

Thanksfor having the courage to walk out on him

In all honesty you don't sound ready for a job just yet. Try and take some time to seek outside support like women's aid etc

Make a plan and take tiny steps as you get stronger you'll find it easier to stand up for yourself

Unfortunately with abuse you get worn down but with love and support you can build yourself up again.

Then you'll have the strength to break free from your "D" H and all those other toxic family members who seem to think you should take this kinda crap.

The truth is you are worthy of a much better man and to feel happy

louisejxxx · 27/03/2016 10:47

He sounds awful. Surely he cannot have enough redeeming features to counter this?

The word "allowance" makes me hear massive alarm bells - he is quite obviously a controlling prick....LTB!

(haven't RTFT so if this has moved on from your original post OP)

mix56 · 27/03/2016 11:02

Your mother did divorce however, how dare she judge.
You are grown woman, with your own children, you make the decisions necessary for your life, not her.

Please read this now, & repeat.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. if you are miserable, so miserable that you are depressed. you can change it. Your reasons are your own.
He will not take your children from you, its a classic text book emotion abuse tactic.
Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme ? please enroll, or do it on line.
it will help you understand & get the strength you need to do what is best for you & your children. LTB

Backtoblackcoffee · 27/03/2016 11:16

I agree with the LTB posts but I don't think everyone should minimise the real threat of 50% shared child access to the OP which is becoming the norm now for fathers.
An extreme example is someone I know got remarried and managed to get full custody of his children. Sorry to be the voice of doom.

ImperialBlether · 27/03/2016 11:48

But the OP is a SAHM and he is working full time. He can't have 50:50 care if he's working full time. I'm sure there's a story behind a man getting full custody, too.

givepeasachance · 27/03/2016 11:58

I work full time and have 'full custody'

That's not the thing. It's just more than likely he wouldn't actually be arsed to do it. Most of these types don't want to give up their lifestyle when push comes to shove.

Backtoblackcoffee · 27/03/2016 12:09

I know dads who do it. They use childcare when they are at work Hmm crazy I know but that's what they do.

Also quite a lot push for 50 50 even if they are the type that are not interested as they then usually don't have to pay for child support then to ex as they have kids half the time in their house.

On the other story of the dad getting the kids full time. Yes there is a story behind it, they were wealthy and settled in a affluent area and the mum in question was poor and single and very young and they crushed her with lots of mud slinging, got very nasty.

lateforeverything · 27/03/2016 12:35

I second backtoblack, sadly a full or 50/50 pursuit is often a maintenance avoidance tactic Sad

DistanceCall · 27/03/2016 12:49

Having 50/50 is not necessarily a bad thing. You say he is a good father - it won't be such a shock for your children, as he will continue to be involved in their lives.

As for you watching him walk away with your children and his gf -- haven't you thought what HE will feel when you walk away with your children and your (lovely, loving, non-controlling) bf?

kittybiscuits · 27/03/2016 12:53

I know hundreds of kids. I know of 2 50/50 situations, and in one of them the Dad is a lawyer. All abusive men threaten 50/50. OP as a stay at home Mum you should not allow yourself to be intimidated by these threats.

TheHobbitMum · 27/03/2016 13:03

:(

balia · 27/03/2016 13:09

You may have talked about it, OP, but that doesn't mean it is the way it has to be. You are allowed to fight for what you want and what you think is best for your DC.
You mention being depressed (not unsurprisingly). Have you seen a GP to see if you could access counselling/medication? You don't have to do everything at once, but if you make the decision to work towards leaving you may find you can fight through the fog of the depression and start taking steps to get free.