I'm not paying for her!

[Adviceneeded1]

Dh and I haves difficult relationship. 2 Dc . 10 years married. I am sahm.
One of my issues is that he is a show off / holds court and likes to attract attention. I'm bloody tired. The latest incident happened about a month ago. We went for dinner with good friends. I could tell he had drank too much and was showing off. He was giving me the evils at one point, whilst smiling and laughing with the group. At the end, when the bill came, he said smiling that he was not going to pay for me.
The feeling of impotence was just burning .
I get a weekly budget. The restaurant in question is fancy and he knew it would take up at least 1/3 of my budget.it was late in the week and I didn't have enough money.
I just stood up left the table and drove home.
He has been apologetic, but I just can't forgive him. I won't be intimate with him. I'm disgusted. Also I need to GET A JOB.

[ProjectPerfect]

I have a friend who's husband is like this (on much smaller scale) she has to buy cheap food for her and the DC to eat at home during the day so she can save some pennies to go for coffee.

He mean while drives a Porsche, plays golf twice a week and acts like the big I am. Without exception every one of her friends thinks he is utterly vile.

Please don't put up with this

[rosieliveson1]

What an awful man I am shocked by how many sahm on mumsnet don't have full access to family finances.
He is controlling you by not letting you access the money you need. I wouldn't forgive that either. Certainly an eye opener to the lack of respect he has for you

[lateforeverything]

So this was the 'latest' incident in a 'difficult' relationship...

In isolation ok, anyone could drink a bit too much and be a bit of an idiot as one off. But in this context I'd be making exit plans for sure

[WhattaMunter]

Do you do the weekly shop?

If so, then start asking for cash back at the til. Save save save, get a job and start planning your escape.

How old are your DC?

Hope you're ok.

[Fwaffy]

He's an absolute prick. He really is. A categorical LTB.

And definitely get a job- the independence will really boost your sense of self-worth and might allow to you see more clearly how utterly degrading his treatment of you is.

[whattheseithakasmean]

Get a job and get out. And I am not one who is quick to advise LTB, but that is unsaveable.

He humiliated himself, not you. But still, don't give him that power again.

[Duckdeamon]

Horrible. Financially abusive.

By all means seek paid work, but this need not delay LTB.

[clam]

Wow. Just wow.

I don't know how you get past something like that. All the apologies in the world couldn't make up for what he showed you about himself at that moment.

What did your friends think? Well done for walking out.

[Backtoblackcoffee]

This is nothing to do with money but all about being abusive. Get a job, any job, you can then build from that and you will feel stronger and then you can decide what to do with him

[littleleftie]

I absolutely would not get a job at this stage.

I would get a solicitor.

[hollyisalovelyname]

What was the reaction of the other people with you?
What a horrible man.
Do you have family support?
Good friends?
I hope so because you will need them if you divorce this nasty man- he will probably play dirty.

[Inertia]

What a horrible man. He has shown himself up for what he really is, and I should imagine that your friends are horrified by his behaviour. All the apologies in the world couldn't come back from that.

As well as getting a job, it's time to gather evidence of finances. As you are married, the marital assets are yours as well.

[Lunar1]

That man is truly revolting. You need to leave ASAP, what on earth did the others there say when he did this?

[Member251061]

Why is he being so unkind? People often behave like that because of their own issues. Getting a job and having some independence will help you, but I'm not sure it will be the answer to the whole problem. I think therapy like Relate might be more useful.
I hope you manage to solve your problems, however that is, for your own sake and that of your dc.

[Wheresmypassport]

I was a SAHM for eight years, my DH gave me a card for his account & made it a joint one. The only thing he asked for was when DCs went to school could I get a PT job to help out with finances which I did. At no point has he ever made me feel like it was his money. All marriages have their upos and downs but I would find that behaviour utterly unacceptable, even more so in front of friends. I bet they thought he was an utter idiot. Like a PP said, if this was a drunken one off that's bad enough, but if this is his general attitude then that is so arrogant. It doesn't seem like he is treating the money he earns as for the family but just as his. He needs to seriously change his attitude if you have any sort of future together. Maybe work out how much childcare would have cost for the years you've been looking after the DCs and send him an invoice!

[RandomMess]

Start divorce proceedings now, you do realise that you'll be entitled to spousal maintenance don't you?

Get a job once the finances of the divorce are sorted

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I remember being in the company of a twat like this at a dinner party once. He made himself look like a complete dick by using his partner as the but of his jokes and then laughing at his own 'humour'. I'm glad to say she dumped him quite soon after.

In life, you need your partner to totally take your side, through good times and tough times. This tossed shows his true colours at times like this.

[DurhamDurham]

That is a horrible thing to do to you, I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if my husband did that to me. Well done for walking out, the fact that he apologised might mean that it gave him a bit of a shock to see you react like that. That's exactly what he needs, you to stand up to him.

It is unforgivable for him to treat you with such utter contempt, he actively wanted to humiliate you in front of friends, I'm so angry on your behalf.

Whether you have a job or not you need access to the family finances. This needs to be sorted out asap.
Good luck, you deserve much better

[Chocolatteaddict1]

I would have threw a drink in his face.

That's actually horrible and would have deeply upset me.

He doesn't like you and thinks he is better than you. I would have locked him out.

Where do you go from here?

[HermioneWeasley]

Agree with random - divorce him, get half of everything, get spousal maintenance while your sorting yourself out and then get a job.

How DARE he treat you like that? I am raging on your behalf.

[pictish]

I agree...had I been one of your friends at the meal, I'd have been mortified by your dh's refusal to pay for you. It's just not how couples I know would ever operate so I would view his conduct as cruel and outlandish. I'd not have been impressed at all.

How did the others react?

[Waltermittythesequel]

Oh that's really, really nasty.

Obviously not isolated either.

You knew we were going to tell you to LTB, right??

[MatildaTheCat]

Get a job for sure but be clear that the childcare is half his responsibility as is the housework, cooking, household admin, gardening etc.

Make sure he does it, too. Then be sure to have a plan.

Your friends must have been mortified for you. What a wanker.

[TendonQueen]

Well done for walking out. I agree that I would just leave altogether now. Get full control of your life again.

[WeAllHaveWings]

He has cruelly and publically humiliated you. You say he is apologetic, without an explanation, without any blame on you or using drink as an excuse, for his actions the apology means nothing. The only potential hope of your relationship surviving is professional counselling as at the moment he has shown you that you and your feelings are irrelevant to him.

Finances will also need a complete overhaul where this "weekly allowance" crap is removed and all money is joint.

You are his equal, accepting anything less will continue to damage your relationship. If he continues to try to control you or refuses counselling then leave.