Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring....gaaaa

1001 replies

jellybean2000 · 25/03/2016 19:24

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Iamdobby63 · 02/04/2016 14:41

Glad he took the lock off. Did you refer to the spending of £££ in relation to a second car? If it was I don't see it as standing up to him I would see it as a means to an end in order to reduce your stress levels until everything is settled.

It will end, you can get through this.

Original poster
jellybean2000 · 02/04/2016 15:18

I don't have the money to buy another car, and then have 2 in my name.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 02/04/2016 15:29

That's fair enough. Just try and stay calm over the car issue, if he knows how much it effects you he will do it even more.

DoreenLethal · 02/04/2016 16:47

No but you can buy another one and sell the one you have.

Which I have done today - waiting for my old van to come back from the menders and have bought a new one as I don't need the van anymore. Will cancel the insurance monday morning and picking up the new one Tuesday morning. Will sell the van once it is delivered back here.

Original poster
jellybean2000 · 02/04/2016 18:22

doreen Your suggestion is really not much different to me taking him off the insurance for the current car (and a hell of a lot more effort, which I don't have the energy for), and I would be bound to make a loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybean2000 · 03/04/2016 10:04

I've twice Reported my post where I was rude about my solicitor. Feel really bad about it. Do MNHQ work at the weekends?

What if she finds it? She would know I was talking about her. I'm saying too many details. My solicitor is lovely and I feel really unprofessional.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 10:36

I wouldn't stress too much, it was minor anyway. I highly doubt that she would come to a relationship thread when she deals with these issues on a full time basis.

Original poster
jellybean2000 · 03/04/2016 16:25

The post is removed. Thank you MNHQ

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybean2000 · 03/04/2016 22:03

Had a good day today, he was working and didn't take the car.

Lovely afternoon in park with DS2 and his pal. Pal's dad watched the boys while me and pal's mum talked. She's a great support to me so it was good.

He's away with DS2 from tomorrow until Saturday so peace and calm for me and DS1.

I'll find out whether he's submitted Form E and consider also consider and injunction.

Oh and do my full time job in between ferrying DS1 to band rehearsals and parties! Oh to be 17 again, eh?!

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybean2000 · 03/04/2016 22:15

Though there's the issue of dropping DS2 with him in the morning.

He will go off on his bike and expect me to drop DS2 at train station.,
This will be conveyed to me via a note this evening. I have the courage to tell him (via note) that I am working and so can drop him somewhere closer, but not the courage to refuse.

This is all part of the control I'm leaving and just don't have the courage to stand up to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybean2000 · 04/04/2016 09:48

I don't understand MN. Lots and lots of support and then nothing, just talking to myself.

I need to get off here, it's not helping me.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/04/2016 10:04

I think everyone is catching up with work on a Monday morning.
I don't tend to MN over the weekend.
We are still here - honest!
I'm glad you get a bit of rest-bite for now... and I sincerely hope he's sorted out the papers although I'm not holding my breath on that one.
Unfortunately I can't help from an experience POV.
I can only imagine what it must be like in this situation and I am very glad I've never had to suffer it.
But you can only do it the best way you can.
You are getting on with it and coping for now.
Keep going!

HPsauciness · 04/04/2016 10:26

I am reading, even though I don't post very much because I don't have a whole heap of experience on this matter.

I do know thought that your life is going to be 100% better without him in it. It must be taking up so much emotional and even physical energy dealing with what is a battleground in your own home.

I hope this gets shifted along by 15th and if not, you take action as you have said to get an injunction and get him removed- or you go and get housed elsewhere. Everyday in this situation must feel very long:(

But- yay for a nice day Sat, it was sunny, and the summer is coming and I always find things slightly easier to bear on a sunny day.

PhoenixReisling · 04/04/2016 10:32

Still reading jelly, I've been tidying up Smile

Glad to hear that you had a relaxed weekend.

As ever he sounds horrid. I think that you are brave and every time you stand up to him even via note and in small increments you are one step closer to regaining your confidence.

Just keep talking to your SHL, keep all these notes he writes to you may come in useful and any further verbal aggressive behaviour I would call the police.

ricketytickety · 04/04/2016 11:06

Living with EA is a nightmare. You don't know what is right, wrong, up or down. You need someone to talk to regularly who can clarify what is happening and what to do next. A domestic violence counsellor would be ideal.

I know it might not be what you want to hear, but you are going to have to go down the court route and it is going to cost you money. He is going to drag it out as long as he can. Whatever he can do to stall the process and cost you more money, he will do. You need to look at a worst case scenario when thinking about what you are going to do about it.

Also, even though you want to stay in the house when you are dealing with an abusive individual sometimes you have to cut your losses and keep yourself sane. If you aren't living with him, he can't control you. Leaving with the children really is the best option, as he is not going to leave unless the house is sold and that could be years down the line. Do you really think you can live with him until then so that you can buy him out and stay there? What about the children's mental health?

I know it's not your fault , but is there any way you can get out of the house? Block his number. Take the car (it is in your name) and park it somewhere he won't find it. The house will be yours eventually probably, but for now can you afford to live somewhere else? The freedom is well worth the cost, and will solve lots of your problems in one go. You can leave him all your socks!!

But if you don't feel strong enough, do get a counsellor. They will be your strength and light in the darkness.

amarmai · 04/04/2016 12:24

all this nasty agro is because he knows he has lost his meal ticket and wants to cause you as much distress as he can before he is forced out. It's temper tantrums .Your dcc need to hear you tell them you want them with you . Of course you must influence them and reassure them as they struggle with you in this shit storm.i find it helps me to block out EA if i repeat a meaningful to me mantra in my mind , in a sing song way works .e.g. bye bye biker , bye bye biker.Or temper, temper, little boy.Where can you go to work when he is at home thru the week? I think you need a bolt hole . If you try to work from home as usual can he cause problems with internet connections? do/can you and dcc get counselling to help you thru this?

Iamdobby63 · 04/04/2016 18:43

Glad you had a good day on Sunday. Did your DS2 get off ok in the end?

FV45 · 08/04/2016 23:26

OP here. Name changed.

Decree nisi has arrived. We are just about to start financial settlement. I think.
He had a deadline to meet. I know he finally submitted Form E and supporting docs, but his solicitor hadn't gone through them. I find out on the 15th for sure. If they are not complete we go to Court (the papers have been drafted).

Either way (settlement via Court or via negotiations or mix of both) it could be MONTHS before we reach a settlement and he has indicated that he won't leave before then. I am able to buy him out of our home. He has agreed (in the form of scribbled note). He has the means to rent so he is not waiting for his share of the house.

I just don't know how I will cope. The car issue has backfired. Instead of getting a car he has cancelled his work between Mon-Fri and added pretty much all w/e's. Don't know whether he thinks he'll take car.

I work from home. He will be here pretty much all the time. Thinking about it brings me to tears.

Solicitor thinks I would get an ex parte non-mol, but not an occupation order, and in the latter case very unlikely to get an ex parte occupation order.

The only thing I can think of doing is moving out myself (temporarily, I know this does not affect my rights on the home). I wouldn't take the children. DS1 wouldn't want to anyway and I could only afford something very small so not fair on DS2. I always said I would not be forced out, and never considered ever doing so w/o the boys, but I just don't know what to do.

He hasn't done anything illegal. If I get an ex-parte non-mol, sure he won't harass, threaten etc me, but I still have to live with his disgusting behaviour, his doing nothing around the home (just making a mess), his using DS2 as a pawn....just everything.

He's been away since Monday and it's been so lovely. But I almost wish I hadn't had a glimpse of this cos him coming back tomorrow is going to be awful.

I am away for work Sun - Thurs and then.....I just don't know.

amarmai · 09/04/2016 01:44

can you get legal advice re what the repercussions cd be if you leave the dcc there with him ?Wd it help if you had a friend to come and live there with you until he is gone. Because i am wondering if his plan is exactly that -to force you out and if he is there with the dcc where does that leave you? if you do go.take dc2 with you .

FV45 · 09/04/2016 07:35

Impossible to have someone move in.

I can't stop crying.

freshprincess · 09/04/2016 12:59

I've no advice at all just sympathy.

Mine left and I feel relieved that I don't have to see him every day, even now months later. When he's here, even for 15 minutes, I feel incredibly anxious. (I'm a bit jealous that you're in the divorce process tbh, I can't face getting the ball rolling yet).

Having him in your face every day must be so tough. I really feel for you.

Lordamighty · 09/04/2016 14:07

Don't let him force you out of your home. It is clearly what he wants, please don't give in to him. Easy for me to say because I'm not living your life but he is trying to manipulate you into leaving for his own benefit. I really wouldn't trust him alone with your DC's. Dig your heels in, tough it out, it won't be forever.

RandomMess · 09/04/2016 14:27

If he has the means to move out and rent he has the means to buy himself a car...

Perhaps get the car valued now and give him 50% of the value of that now as part of the settlement? Check with the solicitor?

Tell him you need the car at weekends and it is therefore unavailable for him to use from x date?

So sorry I can't help more Sad I would be tempted to move out but take DS2 with you to protect him from the EA that is going on.

amarmai · 09/04/2016 15:34

how about getting a dog, make sure it bonds to you and kids and teach it to defend you from him?It can stay with you in the room you want to work in and raise it's hackles if he comes near. \Bet there a re mners who can help with how to do this.

FV45 · 09/04/2016 17:43

He's back Sad

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread