The ignoring....gaaaa

[jellybean2000]

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

God, XH used to do that with the socks, and once a pair of new trainers which he wore in the garden and got covered with mud - I mean covered, not just the soles, you could barely see the shoes. He said he thought they were his. His trainers were old, cracked and used to be white. Mine were new and black. He didn't seriously think I was going to believe it was an honest mistake...?

As for the car thing, he was always Man In Charge Of Cars (we had a ridiculous collection of mouldering old bangers and shuffled the tax and insurance between the ones that ran best, or at all) so I bought one for myself, but I can see how in your situation that isn't really the way forward. He did mess me about with cars, but at least he wouldn't have risked the DC missing events etc. The whole point was that he wanted the DC to stay with him so he could justify keeping the house; it was all about keeping them sweet whilst painting me as irrational and disengaged from family life. It nearly worked.

It took two years, but the divorce went through, the house was sold and I got out. Hopefully yours will be quicker - I let myself be fobbed off initially as we were advised to sort out our debts before proceeding, so spent a few wasted months before realising that sorting out wasn't going to happen and also that I would go even madder stark staring mad if things didn't change very soon. As with you, it was about the delay. His theory was that if it dragged on long enough I would run out of money and/or energy, and give up. Clearly you aren't falling for that little tactic.

Jellybean, as you have already realised this is a form of control. My XH always thought that cars were very important, too, and tried to control me through them when he had left the marital home. Specifically, he -

(1) Left a 'donor' car for a kit car project in the garden, so that it looked like the Steptoes' yard and refused to give me the V5 so I could get it removed

(2) Refused to make me the registered keeper of the vehicle I drove, and drove DD around in, so it was very difficult to get insurance

(3) Bought himself a Jag (I am not making this up) and told the insurance company that he still lived in the FMH. I rang them up straight away when the insurance documents arrived and set them straight.

Please take the advice you have been given; remove him from the insurance and take his keys. I realise this is a lot easier said than done as you still live in the same house, but it's the only way to make him realise that you will not allow him to control you. I had to say several times to my XH What part of "you can't control me any more" don't you understand?

Thank you for the support and advice.

I really am scared to stand up to him. The advice from WA to call the police if he kicks off is of course right, but I am scared to put myself in that position nb he is known to them already as I called a couple of months ago.

After years of EA it has taken me a lot of courage to get to this stage.

I mostly do whatever it takes to make my life easiest right now. I spend a lot of time in tears or crushed with anxiety, so it really isn't as simple as just biting the bullet and taking him off the insurance and taking the keys and I don't want to feel like "well you deserve it then" if I don't stand up to him.

Believe me, Jelly , I do know the feeling of being scared of the consequences of standing up to a husband. Mine was passive-aggressive and had me well cowed, but helped the divorce process by moving several hundred miles away for a new job. I think you are right to do what makes the next hour / day / week easiest right now. One day, you will be rid of him and his controlling ways, and the sense of liberation will be breathtaking.

A couple of posters have suggested I live my life as if I were already a single Mother.

I honestly don't see how that would work.
So, I'd need to book DS2 into after school care every evening. I can do that. But then stbx will just go and collect him from school (he doesn't work much) which is confusing for DS2 or he'll just sit around the house (wearing my socks) causing my BP to rise. I work from home from an office in the garden.
He doesn't bother me in there (he used to) but I hate going in the house when he's there so him being out of the house suits me better.

I would need to take DS2 to school, but if stbx is there then he does it. I find it very unsettling to have a mindset whereby I assume I'm doing everything but then find I'm not. I cannot stop him taking care of our children.

Regarding minding DS2 if I go out. I actually go out more than I would need to do so when we are living separately. I am taking advantage of him being here and getting myself out of the house seeing friends.

He goes out all the time. If I'm not around he relies on DS1 (17) to mind DS2. I am happy to do the same now and again, but they are brothers..DS1 is NOT his carer.

If I stop him driving he car, maybe he will use the joint account for taxis. This has galvanised me into starting to transfer bills from there into my account (I am the main bread winner, he hasn't contributed to that account in years), but he can still use it and we'll both be liable for any debt. Or he will get the bus with DS2 into town and then demand I collect them at some point. What would I do....leave DS2 stranded? Or...I don't know..we live rurally and while he's still living here with both boys I can just see it being even more awful than it already is.

I think that's called victim blaming steamgirl

May I ask, have you been at the end of years of emotional abuse?

The change I am taking is to divorce him.

I have been hugely affected both emotionally and physically.

Jelly don't get upset. I had RL friends saying the same thing a year after STBXH left and I hadn't broached the subject of divorce. Why not, why not, why not???

It took a long time to face that mountain and also a long time to save for the lawyer!

Maybe a place to start is to write a list of the things you'd like to happen in the future, and try to put the little ones in place of you feel strong enough.

Try and make firm agreements if you can, on pick ups for the DC. You do mornings I do afternoons. Etc infront of people if you can, so that if he starts messing about it'll make him look like a total dick and not be a head duck to you.

I don't think anyone is victim blaming more of a gentle or not so gentle push to get you on your feet.

Sorry that wasn't a head duck of course!

jelly, just a thought, but i hope the overdraft on that account that he can access is very very small...

Thank you wally
I've asked for this thread to be deleted. It's upsetting me more than helping me. But I do appreciate people are trying to help.

it seems that him "helping' is being turned into the opposite. Is it possible for you to start now making your plans as if he does not exist?e.g. take the younger dc with you and the older dc to whatever it is you need to get to. Use other methods of transit and forget the car. It may sound like a huge hassle, but it will not take the emotional toll that is being put on you by his controlling undermining. Also when you take back control you will be more powerful . Once you have the legal details sorted out he is going to lose a lot of these opportunities to mess things up for all of you.

Before this thread is zapped, consider getting some sort of 'lockdown' on your joint account.

I'm imagining a scenario where he tries to empty your account and fleece your overdraft too.

OP - don't go. Keep your thread. It must be fucking suffocating to have to live with him until you can get shot but bloody well done for pursuing the divorce. Maybe some experienced MN'ers will be along to offer up some practical advice.

Until then, please don't delete the thread. You need support. You need somewhere safe to vent.

They won't delete it.

I'm going to hide it though, so I won't be back.

jellybean, you've got our support here. One poster has come across as challenging, but she's just one poster and even then the written word comes across a lot harsher than often meant.

I hope you're ok, I really do. I maintain what I said earlier - you must feel suffocated. It's not a healthy place for you to be. You deserve to be free of this burden.

If you do return, think about your overdraft (see my and others previous posts). Make your finances secure, check he hasn't taken out any loans etc in your name.

Again, hope you're ok. But don't be chased away because the tone of one poster doesn't sit right with you.

I took courage and told him I would remove him from insurance and take key.
He kicked off.
Shouting, threatening, telling me "some home truths". In front of DS2. Outside DS1 room so prob woke him up.

Wish I hadn't have said anything.

This was by email as I didn't have courage to tell him to his face.

Well you told him and that's a massive step for you - well done.
Follow through if you can.
If not then it's small steps.
You are being extremely brave and you are getting there.
Keep going. Stay strong.
Look after yourself.

Jelly you do sound so ground down by all the mind games he's playing with you. He sounds just awful.

That was a brave thing to do and you've done it now. So please go ahead and take him off the insurance now.

We are all here for you. Don't be put off by one poster's harsher tone. You know, don't you, that she was only trying to help not make you feel bad.

Keep going with your plan for escape. You sound like a woman who doesn't know how strong and resourceful she is

I'm scared.

I just wanted to say I think you are doing great and you will come out the other side happier and stronger.

Sorry if I missed it but do you have a time scale as to when you will be free?

I'm sure you are scared. He has made you scared. But I can tell by how you are planning your escape that you are a clever and brave woman still, despite his best efforts.

You've done the hard bit - telling him. Now do you think tit can push through just a bit more and take him off the insurance?

Stay safe op. We are all here, on your side

I'd already left him a note telling him he needed to sort a car out by the 15th April, which he ignored (my OP). This was a follow up to that.

No, I won't take him off insurance today. I am not brave enough. There are too many repercussions (from him and on an entirely practical level which would make my life MUCH harder - please don't judge).

lam, no there is no time scale. He has said he will be ready to exchange Form E on 15th April (10 weeks after I submitted mine and after many, many delays and threats of court). Mediators (based on his behaviour at his first session (again, delayed, delayed, delayed), said they did not think it was suitable for us.

It's going to be months and months...unless the police remove him.