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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The ignoring....gaaaa

1001 replies

jellybean2000 · 25/03/2016 19:24

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

OP posts:
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Iamdobby63 · 26/09/2016 09:39

Yes I know. If it happens then if needs be start another thread, I'm sure someone on here has experienced this.

Is your proposal any different to your first proposal?

FV45 · 26/09/2016 12:43

The first proposal was not specific, it was just to get the ball rolling. He didn't like that, so heaven knows what he'll make of this more concrete one.

I am completely unable to focus today and I have a presentation to give tomorrow. Maybe I'll take a sick day.

I have posted the TR1 form. The conveyancers say they have his bank details so that's good.

Iamdobby63 · 26/09/2016 12:51

Great, so they will pay it straight into his account. Will they let you know when that's been done?

If you need to take a sickie tomorrow then just do, no point in stressing yourself out any more than you already are.

Let's hope that when he sees equal it is that he accepts it. The problem (one of many) that you have with him is that he won't discuss anything. If he is negative then ask via email how he would like the residency of 50/50 to be split. Must admit I would do the opposite of what you stated, if he won't finalise it then I would leave well alone and once he his driving to his new place and the locksmith is in then state that unless he can put arrangements in place you will assume he doesn't want access to DS2.

RandomMess · 26/09/2016 21:04

Huge hugs, you are doing so well to keep going. I know you don't feel good about yourself and it's not over yet but it is progressing.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

FV45 · 26/09/2016 22:58

Well [cautiously raises bunting] he simply replied to my proposals with a "yes, fine".
This is about the best I could hope for. He could be bluffing, knowing that as he has parental rights he can so as he wishes, or maybe he thinks I've sought legal advice so is playing ball. Time will tell, but I feel ALOT better.

Presentation is on Wednesday actually. Small matter of writing it tomorrow.

I am also going to my first Freedom programme meeting on Wednesday.

My sol wrote back but I haven't read it as today is my birthday and I can do without legal doom.

My day got better from 6pm and me and the boys have had a lovely evening.

Memoires · 26/09/2016 23:27

Happy birthday, FV. I'm glad you and the boys had a lovely evening - the next birthday will be much better.

Was that "Yes, fine" in writing? If not send him an email confirming that he said it, just "I acknowledge your "yes, fine" response to my proposal vis a vis contact with the boys. I shall take it as your last word on this matter" or something. Then you're covered if he breaks it.

Sleep well, and have a good tomorrow.

Iamdobby63 · 27/09/2016 08:24

Thank goodness for that! I would just take his 'yes fine' and run with that for now, perhaps when he leaves you can send a confirmation email and reiterate that, for the emotional wellbeing and stability for DS2, any change to the arrangements should be made, on both sides, via email. You can fluff it up about how you would both want DS2 to settle into this new routine as smoothly as possible.

I think you will feel stronger to raise any issues when he has moved out.

So glad you had a lovely evening with the boys. Hope you had a lovely birthday. 💐🎉🎈🎂

FV45 · 27/09/2016 09:32

The "yes, fine" was by email so I have a trail.

Feeling much better today. Will work from home this morning and make myself scarce before he gets back from his bike ride.

Not sure what this evening will hold. Might have to make myself scarce again.

I do keep telling DS2 that things will be more settled soon and that we'll all be happier. He seems OK.

Iamdobby63 · 27/09/2016 11:18

Glad you are feeling a bit better today.

I think you will feel somewhat more able to deal with ex after he has moved out. If he messes around then keep communication via email (print it off) and make it all about in the best interests of DS2.

Glad DS2 is coping ok.

RandomMess · 27/09/2016 13:30
Flowers

Yeah

Would it be possible/advisable to tell DS2 in front of twunt that you and he have agreed the following - then state what he said "yes fine" to? In that sort of "Darling as Twunt is moving out we have agreed that you will x y with me and then a b with Twunt, haven't we Twunt?" "This means when with me I'll take you to cubs and on Twunt's weeks he'll take you"

That sort of conversation because your DS does need time to digest this info and it acknowledges that you all know twunt is moving out and there will be a shared care arrangement.

FV45 · 27/09/2016 15:02

There's no way I'm having that chat with DS2 in front of ex.
He'll know I'm doing it on purpose and it will rile him.

ex and I are not working together AT ALL. I can tell DS2 that Mummy and Daddy both love him and we are going to work together to make sure he's happy and that life is more calm. That things will be different, but he will always know where he's going and who's collecting him etc.

We pretty much have shared care now - just under the same roof.

RandomMess · 27/09/2016 19:29

I utterly loath your ex his treatment of DS is just so abusive Angry

I really hope he sticks to the agreement so that DS has some routine in life. How is DS1 btw - does he just keep his head down?

Memoires · 27/09/2016 22:44

What he's doing is a disgrace. He will get his come-uppance.

One foot in front of the other, FV. You will get there in the end.

FV45 · 27/09/2016 23:13

You know, I don't want ex to get his comeuppance, I just wanted us all to be happy.

I really don't want this relationship to have changed me as a person (aside from making me stronger).

Horrid evening. Just made myself scarce ( long walk and visit a friend).

Just watched An Extra Slice. I'd like to find a man like Michel Roux Jr. Can someone organise that please?

Anyway, a good work day. Wrote my presentation.

Iamdobby63 · 28/09/2016 08:40

Michel Roux Jr? Is it the smile, the soft gentle voice or his skills in the kitchen? I can understand that crush. I live near his restaurant if you want to go celebrate when you change the locks.

I think that at the end of this you will surprise yourself at how you survived and I think that will make you proud.

Nearly there. 💐

TheMshipIsBack · 28/09/2016 09:15

Oooh I love Michel Roux Jr ... [heart]

Sorry, slight derail. You are amazingly strong, getting through your work at a time like this.

backwardpossom · 28/09/2016 13:21

It's his eyes. Lovely, kind eyes.... sigh

Anyhoo.... You are strong, you're awesome. Keep on...

FV45 · 28/09/2016 19:14

Am angry. That is all.
Off for a run. In the dark. With my tunes. Arsing cock head.

FV45 · 28/09/2016 19:15

Am angry. That is all.
Off for a run. In the dark. With my tunes. Arsing cock head.

Memoires · 28/09/2016 19:20

Arsing cockhead ! Great phrase.

RandomMess · 28/09/2016 19:25
Angry

Just obscene isn't it, he does not care about anyone's happiness just his revenge AngryAngry

Iamdobby63 · 28/09/2016 19:26

What has the arsing cockhead (far too polite a phrase for him) done now?

FV45 · 29/09/2016 12:49

What a horrid evening. I'd been really busy all day. Had a conference call that I was presenting in at 5pm. Had to hang up on that ("FV has left the call") to collect DS1 (not a big deal, but still...).
When I told DS1 in the morning he would either need to ask his Dad to collect him or work at school and get a latter bus he just said "hmmmm, I think I'll wait at school". He knows how unreliable his Dad is.

So I left my work bolt hole, walked home, ex and DS2 there. I'd cooked most of the dinner in the morning ready to be heated and rice cooked and veggies steamed. Get back to see ex is cooking for DS2 but not DS1. Again. Went to collect DS1 - unravelled a bit in the car. Back home and asked ex if he was going out as said on calendar. It didn't look like he was making any moves to go. He said no and that's when my evening went down hill.

Took myself for long walk, asked ex directly to do some rice and veg for DS2. Called Samaritans and had long and angry, tearful rant. Ended up near a friend's house (I'd been traipsing over the fields and their family are farmers), so txt her to ask if I could pop in to see her new baby. That was lovely and put a smile on my face.

Back home and ex had not done rice or veg. FFS. House bloody mess. Still only 7.15pm and ex sitting there with his smug bloody face making a mess, monopolising DS2. Could feel blood pressure rising so went off for run. In the dark, off road, up hills, in the wind! Brilliant! Stopped off at pub on the way back where I knew my boot camp pals would be. Stayed there till just gone 9pm then back home. Pottered about. DS2 still awake, waiting for me to tuck him in. He's confused.

Then started cleaning up at about 10pm, but just couldn't cope. Looked in fridge and he's filled it with crap - NOT the sign of someone about to leave. No room for my stuff - how fucking dare he use MY fridge. It just tipped me over. Called Samaritans again. Then carried on cleaning. SO resentful, tired and angry. Was losing control so took myself (in my post shower freaky hair state) to my neighbour. Was nearly hysterical at this point. She calmed me down.

Was very tearful again this morning, but am feeling better now.

Mortgage people said it might be done early next week.

Police have confirmed that if he doesn't go when house in my name that I can call them and they'll turf him out for breaching the peace. And ignoring me counts as breaching the peace.

It was him not going out which tipped me over. I'm just managing to keep it together knowing when my respites are.

He's working from 3 till late today and tomorrow me and the DSs are off to DS1's last Uni open day.

AND I'm just about to book our next holiday. Head has said DS2 can have term time off (right at end of summer term) so we can take advantage of DS1 finishing early (A levels). Flights are less than 1/2 the price at that time.

FV45 · 29/09/2016 12:56

God, hope I haven't outed myself. Saying too much?

Iamdobby63 · 29/09/2016 13:33

Oh wow, no wonder you were angry last night.

So did ex also eat the food you cooked?

He had his smug face because he knew he had got to you. If I were you and living with him I would be the one getting in trouble because I would just snap. Oh and I actually had a dream that he had another place all this time!

Will you have to give the unreasonable s.o.b. 'reasonable' amount of time after the money hits his account, or can you get rid straight away? I wouldn't hesitate.

Poor DS2, he is bound to be confused as he can't understand the emotionally frustrating part of all this and it's very difficult to explain as its often the unsaid stuff that is worse.

It will be interesting to see if he loses interest in DS2 over time when he gets bored of using him to get at you. DS1 is more independent and can't be controlled.

Hope today continues to be better.

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