The ignoring....gaaaa

[jellybean2000]

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

random yes, it becomes a criminal matter if he trespasses, and it appears that is taken much more seriously than mere emotional abuse....yes I'm bitter.
In practice...who knows, will I really call the police if he tells me he's moving in a few days time and have the children witness their father being taken away?

I'm so glad he has eventually, FFS signed.

Thank you lady.
I am not in your area, but appreciate your kind words and advice.

FV I just don't know, I think ultimately you may have to he isn't going to be reasonable or responsible is he? Could we be excuse after excuse?

Perhaps you write to him and tell him that you will not let him stay from the moment the money is transferred, therefore he needs to be prepared and have somewhere else to stay and you will only give him x days to arrange to transportation of the rest of his belongings?

I don't feel inclined to put things in place because I am very anxious that there may still be another hurdle I don't know about. I want to, just don't want to get my hopes up.

Where does the money go? Has he given his account details? If not, will that take another 6 weeks for him to tell them??? I need to find that out tomorrow. Maybe they come over with a large envelope of cash and hand it to him!

I do think he has somewhere to go (according to DS2).

Today I am focussing on composing my residency proposals email. One thing at a time.

I have booked onto the Freedom programme. I don't think I'll be able to go to the whole 12 week course as it'll be over 3hrs a week out of a working day.

I also need to book a speed awareness course....ahem.

And now it's raining and we were going to go blackberry picking.

Hey me too on the speed awareness course! GCSE results day, few mph over limit, policeman in a bush on the road leading to school.

I would like to think he would have to provide his account details on the forms.

Wouldn't surprise me if it does have it all arranged but pretends he doesn't etc. At the end of the day once he has the money you can he insists he leaves because he has the money to stay in a hotel.

At some point you may just have to stand up to him because he is a very nasty abusive bully. Hopefully telling him "you have the money to leave now and find a room, if you choose not to then I will have to call the police to remove you as this is not your house nor your home anymore".

Hang on to that thought that HE is the one choosing this and you can explain that to DS2 if things get nasty. "Daddy could have chosen to do x, there was no reason for him not to - I don't know why he didn't".

All the best with your residency emails. I would just stick with proposing 50:50, if he chooses to live somewhere that makes it difficult for him that is his problem. YOu know him best if you suggest 60:40 to compromise to 50:50 would he be happy because he thinks he will have "won". Make sure you keep 50% of weekends and holidays - you know quality time

He could have left at any time - he has assets.

And that is what you tell ds2. "He could have done lots of things to make it easier, but he didn't; why do you think that was ds2, do you have any idea because I can't imagine why?" Could lead into a good talk with him, as he's bound to have lots of questions.

Exactly.

He has chosen to be obstructive. Do not fall into the trap of hiding the truth for your DS in order to not "bad mouth" your ex.

"H was asked to move out y months ago because we are divorcing, even though he can afford to do that he hasn't, I don't know why. He has told the judge/court that he would move out today, I don't know why he won't so I have no choice but to get the police involved as this is my house now and he isn't allowed to be here"

That man is just so abusive and cruel and nasty and manipulative

Congrats op!!!
Fabulous!
I bet you can almost taste the freedom!

Hmm, no not really. Been burnt too many times before. And then we have residency issues to resolve.

I will not talk to DS2 as you suggest, he's too young. He will work it out himself in time. All I say to him is that I wish like him that things were more settled. I've explained that it's very hard for me and Dad to be in the same house right now.

random standing up to him is the hardest thing (aside from seeing how he's used DS2 as a pawn). He scares me, he throws it back in my face and it solves nothing.

And I simply cannot get the words of the Judge out of my head "I see this is a sad situation, but you are not in immediate danger so I will not grant this ex parte non-molestation order".

The legal system decided I could just suck it up (or face him at a hearing) and now I have no more money to pay for solicitors.

random standing up to him is the hardest thing (aside from seeing how he's used DS2 as a pawn). He scares me, he throws it back in my face and it solves nothing.

And I simply cannot get the words of the Judge out of my head "I see this is a sad situation, but you are not in immediate danger so I will not grant this ex parte non-molestation order".

The legal system decided I could just suck it up (or face him at a hearing) and now I have no more money to pay for solicitors.

If he won't leave on the day he has to as he should do, then tell him you will call the police and follow through. If you don't "a few more days" will become longer and so on. He will see it as a red light to abuse you more than ever.

Huge hugs FV, I so feel for you, it has been a long hard battle

Once he has moved out is the time to be a little tougher if he continues to mess you about, i.e. turning up unannounced, not bringing ds2 home when agreed etc. You can cross that bridge when it comes to it.

It's good to protect your son from as much as possible so long as it isn't hugely detrimental to you.

But let's worry about all those things if and when they happen, with a bit of luck he will move out when he receives his settlement. Thinking back I'm sure my solicitor dealt with it all and my money transfer came from them. I could be wrong.

I'm pretty sure the money from the mortgage broker would go to the solicitor who will hold it, confirming the amount is there, ready to be transferred once the conditions for payment have been met. In your case, FV, that would be when he had left the house. Just a guess mind you.

It's the other way round according to the court order (which seems to count for bugger all anyway - at least the dates by which it was meant to be fulfilled - 2nd Sept..ha ha). He will leave the house once he has his money.

I will call tomorrow.

My proposed residency rota mostly has drop off/collect at school. Until I have something in place which is legally binding then he can do what the hell he likes. I am hopeful though that his penchant for delay and non communication would be viewed pretty harshly (and promptly) by any Court so if he arses around I'll be able to pull him up on it quickly. I hope.

I admit I know little about residency orders but surely they just state certain days or a percentage, but if he inserts himself beyond the agreement then isn't that more of an harassment issue? Equally if he chooses to not see the boys then he can't be forced?

The thing is we don't have a residency order (Child Arrangement Order). They are no longer required as part of a final divorce agreement (since 2014). So, all we can do at the moment is agree ourselves (yeah right), and if that doesn't work, I would have to go to mediation and tell them he's an arse and I'm not going to mediation with him, THEN I can apply to the court for a formal arrangement order. The exemption for mediation (on grounds of EA) doesn't carry over to child arrangement orders, but the difference is that (I imagine due to needing to get things stable ASAP) we are not both required to go individually (like divorce) before either of us can apply to the court.

And this is why I think my sol failed in her duty - despite me saying I couldn't think about it until I knew where he was living and also when I felt strong enough to deal with it ie when he is out of the house - she should have pushed me to do it, knowing I'd be in this position now. Sorry..I think I've said that up thread somewhere, it's hard to keep up I know.

So, I stand to have to live with this ad hoc arrangement (unless he agrees to my proposals, which are 50:50) until I can put something in place.

Poor kid, he is desperate for things to be more settled.

I've emailed him my proposals, let's see if and how he responds.
I've said if he doesn't reply by 30th then we'll just start the arrangement.

Once he has moved out this is where I think you will need to be firm, he can't just pick and choose he either communicates with you or he doesn't see him regularly, he can't mess about when you need to make plans. It's in his best interests to come to an arrangement - he just may not realise that yet.

I've said it before, I was surprised by the abrupt end from your solicitor when it is not all done and dusted. Perhaps she was aware of the financial implications?

If he wasn't living there I would be advising you to email him and say that you need to come to an arrangement or you will just assume he doesn't intend to see your son. But I know he would blow a gasket so wouldn't recommend that right now.

Does your son express his desire for things to be more settled to his Dad?

If he wants to go to school and collect DS2 then I will not be able to stop him. It makes me feel sick.

All I will be able to do is document that he has not engaged in discussion, that ad hoc is not working and go to court. That obv takes time.

I need to orchestrate not being in the house when he is today (cos he will read proposals). Hard as I need to drop DS1, swim, sort myself out, harvest festival (guess I'll just rock up in my post swim tracksuit), make some sort of lunch to take with me to my bolt hole. He's out from 3pm.

I must admit if he carries on on this vein I can very well see him doing just that. Hopefully he will need to work more when he is actually paying bills and it won't happen. There must be something that can be done. When the access is arranged I think you should inform the school when he is picking up and when your son goes into after school care, at least they will know to contact you if he turns up to collect.

I will inform the school but they cannot enforce arrangements made between parents, only legally binding ones...even then unless there are safe guessing issues I imagine they can't stop him taking DS2. I need advice.