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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband touching me and himself whilst asleep

176 replies

RedressAddress · 24/03/2016 23:49

I don't know what to think of this.

I was woken up this morning by my husband. He was gropping my arse and wanking. Just after this, our older child stirred and he stopped.

I lay there, shocked and bemused, trying to make sense of it all. A few minutes after DC1 settled, he started gropping me again. He only stopped when DC2 woke a few minutes later for a feed.

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it. He said he was hurt that I'd think he'd do that to me consciously and that I should trust him more.

He definitely did do that. The point is whether or not he was conscious. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 05/04/2016 08:12

Yy Vince.

WellErrr · 05/04/2016 08:15

And the worst part is, he obviously thought he was sharing some groundbreaking wisdom and insight with us lowly women that would really make us think, yanno??

But all he's actually done is out himself as a sexual predator.

BertieBotts · 05/04/2016 08:31

It's definitely possible that he could be doing so unconsciously in his sleep but I'd expect him to be a bit concerned/distressed about it when he realised

If it's genuinely unconscious he should go to the GP.

If it's conscious he's a sexually abusing prick.

BertieBotts · 05/04/2016 08:37

WTF, Cwhatever?

To have the idea/fetish - fine. So you ask your partner how she feels about it. You don't just go ahead and help yourself to her unconscious body. I expect a lot of people would like the idea of being gently physically aroused while asleep, if they were aware of it in advance. You didn't give her the chance to decide.

"Not supposed to be anything like rape" - do you actually understand what rape is?

As you apparently don't understand consent here is a handy chart which compares other activities to sex to see how ridiculous they look when we apply inconsistent views about consent to them: (Click for full size)

printmeanicephoto · 05/04/2016 10:14

OP - it wouldn't bother me if my DH did what your DH did - I think you are blowing it out of proportion. Just tell him you don't like it. If he really was asleep he might do it again in his sleep - in which case it's no more his fault than if he were to snore / sleepwalk etc. Stick a pillow between you if you don't like it and ask him what action he intends to take to stop it happening next time he's asleep.

Lweji · 05/04/2016 10:16

Just tell him you don't like it.

She did. FFS!

And he should have made sure first she was ok with it. What you'd like is irrelevant to the OP:

Ledkr · 05/04/2016 10:23

Jesus print read the thread fgs!

printmeanicephoto · 05/04/2016 10:37

Yes Lweji and unless I missed something he said he was asleep!! If it keeps on happening now that he knows that he does this in his sleep and knows she doesn't like it then IMO she would be within her rights to have more of an issue with it. Sorry but if he was asleep then I can't see what the great crime is. Even if he was awake it was at worst inappropriate, selfish and inconsiderate under the circumstances. I'm sure if he was awake he won't be doing it again!!

differentnameforthis · 05/04/2016 10:55

it wouldn't bother me if my DH did what your DH did That's great, well done. This thread isn't about you. And just because YOU like it, doesn't mean op has to.

Op DOES NOT like it.

Yes Lweji and unless I missed something he said he was asleep!! Except he stopped each time the kids made a noise....

printmeanicephoto · 05/04/2016 11:24

He stopped when kids made a noise - that doesn't mean he wasn't half asleep / in a light sleep though does it - as previous posters have explained. She's told him how she feels - job done! He probably will take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. Again - job done hopefully!

Lweji · 05/04/2016 11:43

Hopefully, except that he wasn't too concerned when the OP mentioned it to him, and she had told him before she didn't like it. Which means he had been doing it previously while awake. Even that shouldn't have happened. Not without her prior consent.

differentnameforthis · 05/04/2016 13:14

printmeanicephoto Come on...if he was in a light enough sleep to stop when the kids made a noise, it was light enough to know that he was touching his wife in a way that she wouldn't find acceptable.

Yes, she spoke to him, but he still did it again, didn't he? Which means he doesn't actually care that much!

DorindaJ · 05/04/2016 17:44

This thread is so infuriating. I am appalled.

I am in awe of the posters who continue to challenge the view 'I wouldn't mind if my DH did this'!

BastardGoDarkly · 05/04/2016 18:51

Glad to see MNHQ deleted Ch4 post. Fucking weirdo

WellErrr · 05/04/2016 19:10

I wonder what he was googling to get to this thread. He sounded like a fucking psycho.

Buzzardbird · 05/04/2016 19:12

It's always the middle of the night isn't it?

You could almost hear the tone of voice, as if he were talking to a child.

Sophico · 06/04/2016 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oswin · 06/04/2016 01:01

Fucking hell

DorindaJ · 06/04/2016 01:17

Sophico I take issue with your statements, Men are dogs, but we still like them. We are bitches, but they're crazy about us. What on earth are you on about?

So if a couple lives together, I believe that it is harder for a man to control urges compared to women, since all it takes is to practically just see their woman's skin, and sometimes even that is unnecessary to stimulate their senses. Bullshit

About Op's issue though, you guys really need to have a serious talk about that "thing". It's even physically dangerous since you're not conscious and he might hurt you without you realising it. fgs. Have you rtft?

Sophico · 06/04/2016 01:44

Sophico I take issue with your statements, Men are dogs, but we still like them. We are bitches, but they're crazy about us. What on earth are you on about?

It's an exaggerated way to say that we're different and all have our messed up behaviours. But we that doesn't stop us for loving people despite their quirks.

Just a general phrase that I thought would be appropriate. But feel free to ignore it.

Just saying bullshit doesn't really explain what and why you find incorrect in this statement. Both my personal experience as well as from plenty of researches done on the topic. You personally might be much more sexual as a person maybe even more than your man so in your case this might not be fully true. But in majority of cases, I believe that's the case. I would gladly hear why you disagree with it though.

About Op's issue though, you guys really need to have a serious talk about that "thing". It's even physically dangerous since you're not conscious and he might hurt you without you realising it. fgs. Have you rtft?

I have no idea what fgs and rtft stands for.

Oswin · 06/04/2016 02:01

Of course they can control themselves.
Thanks to statements like yours these men think they don't have to.
Because there will always be people like you excusing men who sexually assault women.
That is what this is sexual assault.

Sophico · 06/04/2016 02:09

I'm not sure how you managed to conclude that from my post. But i Clearly stated that Of course it's controllable.

The urges are controllable of course and if someone's are not then he or she should see a doctor :p

And that this behaviour is not acceptable and dangerous.

And my comment was not primarily directed to the original but to previous statement made by Ledkr as I mentioned as well.

So please read and understand a post first, before criticizing

Thanks

Iflyaway · 06/04/2016 02:23

Well, I've heard of sleepwalking...

But never a creep crossing boundaries on his SO while asleep....

So sorry you are going through tis, OP.

PageStillNotFound404 · 06/04/2016 02:58

I'd completely understand if you'd stopped reading by now, OP - bloody hell, I would have with all this weirdness - but just in case you're still looking in, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I think it boils down to whether you genuinely believe whether he could have been sleeping, and the fact you've posted here suggests possibly not. Does he normally stir but remain asleep/close to sleep if the children wake up? If yes, then it's possible he's telling the truth in which case he should agree to consult his doctor and to sleep in separate beds (assuming you have that luxury) until he's done so and started whatever treatment / behaviour modification the GP suggests so that you can be confident he is in control of himself.

If not, then that's a much more serious issue and indicative of a lack of respect and empathy towards you. Only you can decide how you move forward if that's the case.

Best wishes, and I hope your appointment goes well.

WellErrr · 06/04/2016 07:03

It's always the middle of the night isn't it?

Yep

We can probably expect one a night now, as it's more than likely on some misogynistic transatlantic Reddit. They'll tag team each other as each one gets banned.

Have another from me Sophico.

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