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Original poster

Husband touching me and himself whilst asleep

176 replies

RedressAddress · 24/03/2016 23:49

I don't know what to think of this.

I was woken up this morning by my husband. He was gropping my arse and wanking. Just after this, our older child stirred and he stopped.

I lay there, shocked and bemused, trying to make sense of it all. A few minutes after DC1 settled, he started gropping me again. He only stopped when DC2 woke a few minutes later for a feed.

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it. He said he was hurt that I'd think he'd do that to me consciously and that I should trust him more.

He definitely did do that. The point is whether or not he was conscious. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Noneexistantlover · 25/03/2016 09:29

I understand him maybe kissing you or trying to wake you up to have sex but wanking next to you while touching you is a bit creepy ! Hmm

abbsismyhero · 25/03/2016 09:33

if he was genuinely asleep he wouldn't have stopped for the children surely?

i groped my ex in his sleep (apparently) he was happy till i squeezed a little too hard ive no idea what i was dreaming about

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 25/03/2016 09:39

I love being touched while I'm asleep and waking up to sleepy sex your marriage is in serious trouble you are on totally separate paths if you feel violated or assaulted by your husband

This is one of the stupidest fucking comments I've seen. So what if you like being woken up for sex? So fucking what? That is not the barometer of a good relationship just because you enjoy it. I will never agree for a partner to wake me for sex unless we are on a child free holiday because I have insomnia. It has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship.

MrsUnderwood · 25/03/2016 09:44

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, and I hope your injuries heal well. He shouldn't be doing this to you and if you don't believe that he was genuinely asleep while doing it I would not share a bed with him. It's disgusting and you are right to feel violatedz

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/03/2016 09:49

So if he was genuinely asleep that's fine and she should allow him to stay in her bed? *MrsUnderwood. What if he does it again in his sleep?

tvson · 25/03/2016 09:56

No for this - Ijust want to say that my xh did this. He was definitely asleep. It was horrible. Everyone thought it was funny that he was just so 'horny' that he literally couldn't keep his hands off me.

Eugh. No rhyme nor reason as to when or why it'd happen.

You have my sympathies op Thanks

Buzzardbird · 25/03/2016 09:57

I think it would be a good idea to just ask him what happened, rather than ask loads of people who weren't there.

alltouchedout · 25/03/2016 10:02

Some pp are such arseholes.
It's not about what you like or want or consent too. It's about the op who does not like, want or consent to being groped during sleep whilst her partner wanks- something her partner is very aware she is not ok with.
I can't believe he was asleep if hearing the dcs made him stop. That alone makes me think he's lying, which adds to the fact that he knows this is unwelcome action for which he has no consent.

Buzzardbird · 25/03/2016 10:12

Yes, the point is, it's your body and you're not happy with it. It needs discussing calmy in the light of day.

DropYourSword · 25/03/2016 10:17

Touching a buttock is sex? Well I never knew. Seems I've been having sex with most members of my family.

If you're fondling their arses while masturbating then there's something seriously wrong. You're not doing that. But that's what the OPs husband was doing. Don't you see the difference?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 25/03/2016 10:28

Don't think the op is coming back. If it genuinely is happening when he is asleep, as a sleepwalker/talker myself the only thing that stops me doing it seems to be cutting out caffine, at least in the evenings. I do it more when I'm stressed. If its not genuine and he wasn't asleep then I don't know what I would do tbh.

differentnameforthis · 25/03/2016 11:08

She did ask him, he denied all knowledge.

She is seeking support here, not asking why he did it. She is allowed to do that!

Original poster
RedressAddress · 25/03/2016 11:21

I am still here, just a bit shocked by some of the responses. I assumed being touched against your will was an everyone issue, not a feminist one.

I cannot do anything sexual involving my bits, not just piv. Partially due to quite major trauma to the entire area and partially because I feel a bit traumatised by a difficult birth.

DH knows all of this. I have told him, explicitly, that I don't want to do anything sexual nor be touched sexually. He had been touching my chest and arse quite a lot generally and I told him it was unwanted. So if he's doing it whilst I'm asleep it means he's directly ignoring my withdrawn consent.

He wasn't trying to initiate sex; he was touching me as 'wank fodder' (lovely phrase, by the way). There's no way he would have thought I'd be ok with it.

So it makes a massive difference if he was asleep or not. If he was asleep, it's a bit yuck but nothing more. If he was awake, he was going directly against my wishes.

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/03/2016 11:30

It doesn't look good from your description.
More than anything, he didn't seemed shocked at what he had done or suggested a way to stop it. For example: if I ever do it again, wack me hard to wake up; or going to sleep elsewhere.

When you confronted him, did you tell him what he was doing, or he just knew?

differentnameforthis · 25/03/2016 11:38

RedressAddress I used the wank fodder expression, and it wasn't meant to upset you..I apologise if it did!

AnotherTimeMaybe · 25/03/2016 11:38

OP that's a bit different to what at least I thought before
It seems you have bigger issues with DH- is he generally a nympho or just sexually deprived lately?

Really do take him somewhere without distractions and talk to him , tell him how you feel cause even if you recover from your trauma you might not have time or energy to have sex with two kiddies and things might get worse

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 25/03/2016 11:56

What are your instincts telling you op? Do you believe him when he says he can't remember? I honestly do not have any recollection of things I've done when asleep but it could be used as a great excuse couldn't it. Flowers

Allnamesaretakenffs · 25/03/2016 12:01

Men think it would be a turn on for us - after all, if they were woken up with us touching them, they'd love it, and they can't understand from a woman's perspective why it's such an invasion (although obviously this doesn't apply to all men/women). My husband did this to me a few times, except I woke up after he'd got me drunk and he was having sex with me :( He couldn't understand why I cried.

Allnamesaretakenffs · 25/03/2016 12:03

It's a horrific invasion of privacy when you've expressly told him no. He's ignoring you, ignoring your feelings. What advice would you give your child OP if they came to you with the same problem? This would be a deal breaker for me (and was).

HoggleHoggle · 25/03/2016 12:19

Redress I hope you're ok. An awful thing to have to go through and some of the replies on here have been shockingly insensitive.

Fwiw, I would feel exactly the same as you. I hope your physical problems are resolved soon and that you can somehow sort this out with your husband, if that's what you'd like to do.

I think he's behaved very badly.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 25/03/2016 12:33

All names Flowers your ex husband now I hope?

Runner05 · 25/03/2016 12:52

The problem with the responses here are that whether or not you consider this sexual assault depends very much on your relationship. In mine I wouldn't consider it to be but I can see how others might.

I think OP you need to sit down with your DP and discuss both how you feel and how he feels at the moment.

He may have been asleep and this was just a side effect of sexual frustration, he may have been half asleep and not entirely aware of what he was doing or he may have been awake and wanted physical contact with the woman he loves and obviously finds sexually attractive. I'm not saying that if the latter was the case it was OK but if you have withdrawn all physical contact he might be feeling quite disconnected and just wanted that connection for a moment. Again, I'm not saying that's ok but you haven't said anything (yet) to suggest that apparat from the intimacy problems there is anything wrong with your relationship normally.

When you talk to him as well as speaking about your feelings perhaps you should ask how he is coping. Perhaps you could suggest that while you are unable to engage with him sexually he should use porn so that he doesn't become sexually frustrated or perhaps you could participate willingly in his wanking as this will help you both maintain a healthy intimate connection without any ambiguity about whether sex is on the cards.

I'm not trying to minimise how you feel, I just think that if you address both the current issue that has upset you so much and the underlying issue which whether he was asleep or awake appears to be the sudden lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship, you have a better chance of resolving this in a way that will strengthen your relationship and both being happy.

Good luck Smile

Lweji · 25/03/2016 12:57

Runner05
The OP has already told him she doesn't want this kind of contact, so if he was awake how can it be considered loving at all?

Siolence · 25/03/2016 13:03

It's horrible OP. A total violation if he was awake. If he was asleep it's vile but not a conscious act to override your right to bodily autonomy.

The fact that he has had to be told more than once to not touch your chest and bum is not good either.

He has no right to use you for sexual gratification, his desire to do so does not override your right to say no.

I really hope you get it sorted out.

Siolence · 25/03/2016 13:08

A woman traumatised by a hard birth who has had her body injured needs to put her own physical and mental healing first. Not participate in his wanking by being objectified or rubbed on. A bad birth rips away a woman's feeling that she owns/is in charge of her own body. Allowing herself to be used as a wank aid is not going to help with that.