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Original poster

Husband touching me and himself whilst asleep

176 replies

RedressAddress · 24/03/2016 23:49

I don't know what to think of this.

I was woken up this morning by my husband. He was gropping my arse and wanking. Just after this, our older child stirred and he stopped.

I lay there, shocked and bemused, trying to make sense of it all. A few minutes after DC1 settled, he started gropping me again. He only stopped when DC2 woke a few minutes later for a feed.

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it. He said he was hurt that I'd think he'd do that to me consciously and that I should trust him more.

He definitely did do that. The point is whether or not he was conscious. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/03/2016 13:52

It is a criminal offence to use another persons body for your own sexual gratification without their consent

TheABC · 25/03/2016 14:01

I often wake up to DH snuggling and stroking me - I consider it one of the perks of sharing a bed with my lover. However, that's my choice. It's your body, OP and your right not be touched without your consent. I think you need to talk to your DP and make it clear how you felt.

seasideview · 25/03/2016 17:42

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Oswin · 25/03/2016 18:06

So because he won't be having sex it's okay to grope her when he thinks she's asleep? While wanking? I can't believe how many people would minimise this.

Lweji · 25/03/2016 18:13

If this was just a friend, consciously doing this would be sexual assault. For husbands the law is the same, particularly as the OP had already said she didn't want it, so there is no grey area of implicit consent. No overreacting at all.

differentnameforthis · 26/03/2016 23:56

The problem with the responses here are that whether or not you consider this sexual assault depends very much on your relationship The op said that she felt assaulted, so no, there is no problem with the responses [that support her] here at all.

I think OP you need to sit down with your DP and discuss both how you feel and how he feels at the moment. She has done that, she has told him how she feels & why sex, for now, is off the table. Why the fuck do we women HAVE to keep "talking" explaining" because men can't keep their fucking hands to themselves at times when their partner says no to sex??

She said she feels assaulted. WHY does she have to compensate for his "frustration" at being sexless for what is, really, a short time? She cannot partake in sexual activity right now, why can't he bloody respect that & why can't we give advice while respecting that...why do we have to encourage sexually assaulted women to "talk about HIS frustrations"?

differentnameforthis · 27/03/2016 00:03

However, I am guessing he hasn't had sex for several months but we haven't dtd for about a couple of months as I haven't healed well after the birth of DC2

a couple, actually. Because of the birth & aftereffects of that birth.

A tad ridiculous, don't you think? You seem a bit overly dramatic to me. You also sound like you don't really like him very much. Seriously? Are you telling a woman who feels assaulted that she is being dramatic, and ridiculous? Fuck off with your judgements! She has injuries due to birth, he KNOWS that she is unable to partake in sexual activity, yet he uses her body for HIS own pleasure??

NameChange30 · 27/03/2016 00:18

This thread is fucking horrific.
Moral of the story: NEVER EVER post about anyone violating your sexual boundaries on AIBU. EVER.

WalkingBlind · 27/03/2016 02:28

I am absolutely gobsmacked at anyone who isn't taking in the fact that consent has been withdrawn and he is fully aware of that Shock

No means no. Regardless of who you are. I'm sure OP would be fine with him wanking on his own!

But in his mind (if awake) he's thought he can bypass the rejection he's been getting (after being repeatedly told!) by waiting until she cannot verbally withdraw consent at that exact time.

He's likely thought the kids stirring would wake OP and stopped for the moment as he knew the consequences of getting caught! Angry

HelenaDove · 27/03/2016 02:53

Unfortunately Emma its not just threads posted on AIBU that are getting dodgy responses. A lot of these responses on these boards are getting very bloody worrying.

RupertPupkin · 27/03/2016 04:45

I read the first few responses with my mouth open. Incredible. Are some posters really so thick they can't see that their relationship and the kind of sex they enjoy has no bearing on this scenario? What a fucking depressing read.

OP hope you get some answers. Sorry this happened. Flowers

DorindaJ · 27/03/2016 06:34

What differentnamefortthis and AnotherEmma said. Sad

TheStoic · 27/03/2016 07:08

People need to take their own relationship out of the equation when they respond on threads like this.

The OP doesn't care what is ok in your relationship. It is not helpful in any way to her, and can in fact be very harmful.

It's a form of gaslighting: 'No OP, that's not what happened. You read it wrong and the problem is yours, not his."

OP, do you trust your husband not to do anything that crosses your sexual boundaries again? If not, that is a significant issue and needs addressing immediately.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 27/03/2016 07:21

I think this place has been flooded with MRA, I really do. No way would this thread gotten of to that start a year or so ago.

Peyia · 27/03/2016 07:57

I'm with Emma on this. I knew the thread would draw som goady posters (one was thankfully deleted) hence me suggesting twice the thread be moved.

TheStoic, I think the problem is that people think they have a license to refer to themselves (and it can be seen as minimising) in AIBU as that board is in a way asking people's opinion on an experience they may have no idea about. It's just a rough and ready Board. I mostly read it for entertainment but occasionally there is the odd thought provoking thread.

OP, by the time you gave more info the thread had moved on. I'm sorry you experienced a traumatising birth and now this. It's not acceptable in anyway (if he was fully conscious, which to me it sounds like he was), there really is no excuse.

I hope you work it out.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 27/03/2016 11:33

The deleted comments were for accusing the op of being a troll. Very odd that the blatant insults were left to stand Hmm Being accused of trolling wouldn't bother me half as much as some of the other comments, especially when the op revealed a bit more and was clear she was distressed.

Ch4m3130n · 05/04/2016 05:53

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BastardGoDarkly · 05/04/2016 06:05

Oh fucking hell.

Can you read when the op said She is not in a state physically, or mentally for sex ?

Go wank on your own, your partner is under no obligation to barter for alternative sexual activity, when SHE DOESN'T WANT ANY.

I only read to your 3rd paragraph

I actually really hope the op has bailed long ago from this thread.

MrsChanningTatum · 05/04/2016 06:21

I hope the OP swerves this thread from now on too. Dear god a lot of the replies are terrible.

Lweji · 05/04/2016 07:25

Ch4m3130n

All that crap you wrote could be avoided by asking first your partner gently if it was ok for you to touch her while she was asleep.
Never occurred to you? Why?

Because you liked the control of doing something to your partner while she couldn't say yes or no? Why not make sure she was awake first? Because you knew or thought she'd say no? Well...

The onus is NOT on the recipient, dear, is on the one performing the act!!!

Só, do take your crap about how the woman victim should respond to being sexually assaulted while she sleeps.
And I'm not even reporting you post so that people can read what this is about.

And ask yourself how would you have felt and how calm you'd be if a male best friend touched you sexually while you were asleep.
Then report your own post in shame.

Lweji · 05/04/2016 07:36

In fact, newsflash, how about you go and tell men to make sure the women they touch sexually always know what they are doing and have consented to it?
If you do realise what you did was wrong, that would be a much better use of your time than tell women how to respond to sexual assault and why men sexually assault them.

Go on, I dare you.

WellErrr · 05/04/2016 07:44

A good example here would be Children's behaviour since you have children you'd probably understand (Don't have my own yet though, too young for that). If your child is playing with a toy, and you just grab it and take it from it, it's probably going to cry or at least it won't be happy for sure. On the other hand, if you take the toy from him and give him a different one, he might even be happier, even if the toy is not as nice, because it's different to the previous one, and there's still something to play with.

Fucking hell, you need locking up Shock

A woman is not a toy or a plaything for your sexual pleasure.

Your thought processes are incredibly disturbing.

And thanks for all the mansplaining Hmm
Your poor bloody partner.

Ledkr · 05/04/2016 08:01

The problem is that somehow we have been led to believe that Menz have some kind of uncontrolable sexual urges which simply MUST be satisfied or they will have to go to extreme measures to satisfy themselves.
The same school of thought which believes that the poor littke tinkles cannot wake up with their children cos "they are heavy sleepers doncha know" Hmm
As long as society continues to see men as having these "needs" which unless satisfied immediatejy will lead to them acting desperately. Or being infantised by their partners, things will never change.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 05/04/2016 08:09

Ch4m3130n

You are a sex criminal. HTH.

WellErrr · 05/04/2016 08:11

Yes Ledkr. As documented by this recent fuckwit.

He can't help it, you know. It's a fetish. You wouldn't understand.

You can almost hear his whiny voice.

It's quite scary that men who think like this and quite clearly see women as their sexual playthings, are out there walking the streets.