Husband touching me and himself whilst asleep

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I don't know what to think of this.

I was woken up this morning by my husband. He was gropping my arse and wanking. Just after this, our older child stirred and he stopped.

I lay there, shocked and bemused, trying to make sense of it all. A few minutes after DC1 settled, he started gropping me again. He only stopped when DC2 woke a few minutes later for a feed.

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it. He said he was hurt that I'd think he'd do that to me consciously and that I should trust him more.

He definitely did do that. The point is whether or not he was conscious. I don't know what to do.

If you touch your dh when he's made clear he's not up for it you would be an abuser, yes.

This should be moved to relationships. AIBU is not the place

So every time I want to touch my dh I have to ask his consent? And he mine. There wouldn't be time for any other conversation if we did that.

no, because you are acting in ways you both find acceptable.

For valid reasons the OPs dh knows sex is off the table. Using her as a prop for a wank (if is aware) is not ok. The op is uncomfortable with it.

Personally I would expect to be asked if dh wanted to touch much while e pleasures himself. The answer would be no.

In my marriage we have strange things that don't suit other people. We both talk in our sleep. Dh called me a fucking bitch once, I asked him who he was shagging behind my back. I don't think he is cheating.

I have always walked and talked in my sleep. Dh has stomach problems and he seems to do it when he has a flare up and is getting disturbed sleep.

We are both confident that neither of us was awake when we have done these things. It doesn't cause arguments and usually the one doing the shouting at night, feels awful. But we let it go. Because we can't help it.

Other people wouldn't let it go and want to sleep separate. That's fine for them.

We just conclude that when we are asleep we hate eachother

We would rather sleep in the same bed and put up with occasional shouting at eachother. Rather than sleep separate. Other people may not feel that way.

What one person is happy with is not what everyone is happy with. I had a friend that likes being woken up by her boyfriend having sex with her. I would go mental if dh tried to hop on and enter me while I was asleep.

The op has every right to not want her dh to touch her and use her to masturbate when she's asleep. This wasn't an attempt to initiate sex, and it wasn't done with any regard for her pleasure - she was asleep!

Op - if you think he's lying about being asleep that indicates there might be other problems too. Does he have a history of making you feel violated or doing things you don't want?

He's not up for sex I said Woman, not for being touched.

And then on top of that mn tells me I'm an abuser. Fantastic.

My other half has done this (3 times in 6+ years) but he has been genuinely asleep. One time I responded by fiddling at him back, and he woke up completely confused. I think if you feel violated there might be problems in your relationship, though that's not for me to decide.

OP how are you this morning? Did you mention it to him?

FWIW I agree with ThroughThick and other similar. You prob have an issue in your marriage already, not sure I'd say it's sexual assault if DH went for it in the middle of the night. i wish it happened, both are knackered haven't had sex for 6 months, I don't know how others with DCs are doing it
If you feel violated though you must address it, you can't live like that

I'm with ThroughThick too. TBF, the elationships or sex boards would be much better suited to help the Op.

He's not up for sex I said Woman, not for being touched.

Not up for sex at that time. Or not up for sex because they have a severe problem?

I don't get how you can't get that the op has said but we haven't dtd for about a couple of months as I haven't healed well after the birth of DC2 and I'm awaiting hospital referrals to work out what's gone wrong with my bits.

the dh knows his wife is experiencing problems. If he chooses to do this knowing the problems that she is having, so he can get off. That's not ok.

It's not a case of, she is up for it but just not tonight.

Are you and your husband quite happy for the other to use you as a wank prop? If so that's fine. Crack on.

I also think this should be moved to relationships or feminism. I've hidden those so I won't be commenting. not Aibu. Because for me the op is bu.

Clearly the op is looking for something I don't feel is right and therefore can't say, but other posters can.

If you touch your dh when he's made clear he's not up for it you would be an abuser, yes.

but how about if he's hopeful? No one here is suggesting it's okay for him to force her into anything.

To my mind he was either asleep or trying it on and neither of those I see as assault (in a loving marriage) but at the same time, if the OP doesn't like it he must stop or be helped to stop.

They need to have a conversation about it. If he was asleep then I have no idea what to say; I can't empathise as I have no experience and not sure how I'd feel in that situation. If he was trying it on then tell him you don't like it and to never do it again. If he was trying it on and does try it again then it is an entirely different situation and she should have him escorted away by the police.

For me, and apparently numerous others, this isn't being goady, just trying to see it from a more balanced perspective. None of that takes anything away from the OP who was obviously upset by what went on.

I love being touched while I'm asleep and waking up to sleepy sex your marriage is in serious trouble you are on totally separate paths if you feel violated or assaulted by your husband

Well I don't. And my marriage is plenty strong. How about providing a bit of support to the OP or not saying anything, other than telling her how fucked hey marriage is because she doesn't appreciate her husband sneakily fondling her to get his rocks off when he thinks she's asleep.

Hi all,

We have moved this thread over to Relationships now.

Can we please remind everyone that troll hunting is against the Talk Guidelines, we have no reason at this time to believe that the OP is anything but genuine.

How can he have been 'trying it on' if he knows the op doesn't want sex because of problems following childbirth? Read what's she's written - it's clear this wasn't about trying it on or trying to get her into the mood.

Having been the victim of a far worse violation when my ex partner was fully conscious and aware, what you are describing is very much a sexual assault if he was awake.

It is entirely possible he wasn't fully awake or fully asleep hence why he stopped when he heard the children.

Has he been under any particular stress lately? Often it can manifest in similar behaviour when semi conscious. Not that it makes it ok but it does offer an explanation.

Only you know your DH and whether this is out of character or not. If it is out of character then perhaps benefit of the doubt should be employed and a frank discussion about dealing with his urges in a more appropriate fashion is needed. If not then you need to decide if you are prepared to risk the escalation that may ensue

ps.

Being "wank fodder" (or whatever beautiful and poetic term was used above) isn't necessarily bad. It's what BOTH people feel comfortable with and setting boundaries. Sometimes the boundaries need to be re-established / explained in more detail. Mis-understanding them, within reason of course, is something that can be resolved; ignoring your partners wishes can never be condoned and is a very different kettle of fish.

I hope that an open and honest conversation is all that's in order OP.

It is not unreasonable to have boundaries. It is not unreasonable to not want to be groped (or anything else) while you're asleep. And the fact that you may be married to someone doesn't mean that there is automatic consent to sexual touching whenever they choose.

I also think that the fact that the op doesn't believe that her dh was asleep indicates that there may be other issues here.

Good balanced posts herecomethepotatoes

He said he was doing it in his sleep. Why don't you believe him?

That aside, I can't imagine being in a relationship where I would be upset by my partner stroking my bum when he was wanking, awake or asleep (him or me).

Sex doesn't have to be 'off the cards' because PIV isn't possible right now, but it seems like you have ruled everything out.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Your dh doesn't want sex, you reach out & touch him sexually, while masturbating, then yes, that is abusive.

As for your "I feel so ashamed, sick, self doubting, unloved, dirty, unsure, degraded, an abuser, tearful, shocked, fearful, an absolute needy sex craved trollop" how do you think your dh would feel knowing that you are using him for your own gain? And totally shitting all over his right to say no to sex?

Look, I have a friend who knows his wife is up for sex (yes, full PIV) when she is asleep. As long he doesn't wake her, he has her consent. It works for them.

I know someone who regularly wanks over his wife, with her consent.

I actually know lots of people who have in place ongoing consent for various things, as do dh & I. Dh used to have my consent to wake me on any given night for sex, but since I started working, that has been withdrawn because I am so knackered. As a loving & supportive dh, he has honoured that! Which is what you do.

However, this thread isn't about me, or those other people I know, it is about the op & her dh. Her dh knows that sex is off the table. Therefore he doesn't have any ongoing consent. Therefore he is touching her in a sexual manner, against her will.

Moreover, op has explicitly said that she feels assaulted. Yet you still feel the need to overlook her feelings!

He's not up for sex I said Woman, not for being touched. But you are sexualising that touching, because you are doing something sexual yourself. You seem to be locked into that "only PIV is sex" thing...it isn't.

And further to that, if you can say not to sex and it means no to ONLY PIV, then we would have men asking women for sex, women refusing & would be grabbing woman's breasts and says "she only said no to sex, so it's OK"

trying it on and neither of those I see as assault Once again...op isn't up for sex because she has just given birth & isn't feeling all that great about her bits, so she has put a stop to sex pending a hospital referral.

And OP SAID SHE FEELS ASSAULTED. So it doesn't actually matter if YOU see this as assault. because it didn't actually happen to you, it happened to the op.

Touching a buttock is sex? Well I never knew. Seems I've been having sex with most members of my family.

It doesn't really matter if he was or wasn't, op felt violated and that needs to be addressed. Just because we enter in to a relastionship with somebody it doesn't mean we lose out autonomy over our bodies. She was asleep, she wasn't ready for it or expecting it, she didn't like it.

I don't blame her.

WomanWithAltitude No, it was about getting himself in the mood, and using her body as an object for his own means.

Sex doesn't have to be 'off the cards' because PIV isn't possible right now, but it seems like you have ruled everything out And that is perfectly ok for the op to have done. Perhaps, with issues that she has, she doesn't feel very aroused, or it hurts when she gets arouse? There are plenty of bloody reason for the op to have ruled anything & everything out. It's only been a couple of months since the birth of her youngest.

Tbh if I woke up and Dh was feeling my arse and having a wank I'd think he/it was creepy as fuck.

Women should always have a choice when their bodies are being used for some one else's sexual pleasure.

Touching a buttock is sex? Well I never knew. Seems I've been having sex with most members of my family.

It's sexualised behaviour if you do while masturbating!!