Husband touching me and himself whilst asleep

[RedressAddress]

I don't know what to think of this.

I was woken up this morning by my husband. He was gropping my arse and wanking. Just after this, our older child stirred and he stopped.

I lay there, shocked and bemused, trying to make sense of it all. A few minutes after DC1 settled, he started gropping me again. He only stopped when DC2 woke a few minutes later for a feed.

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it. He said he was hurt that I'd think he'd do that to me consciously and that I should trust him more.

He definitely did do that. The point is whether or not he was conscious. I don't know what to do.

In a marriage things are different aren't they.

Better tell DP so he knows to stop respecting my boundaries when we get married this year!

I had my ass squeezed this morning in my bathroom. I didn't give consent.

Sorry, were you asleep in the bathroom, or was that a terrible comparison?

I asked him WTF he was playing at, and he claimed he'd been asleep and had no recollection of it Yet he could conveniently start & stop at will??

Why is it so bad what he was doing? So op has to be available to be groped at her dh's will? Perhaps she didn't want him using her as wank fodder??

Strokethefurrywall The "crux" isn't in the details, the op said she feels assaulted, can't we support her on her feelings & stop minimising them??

Op's dh wasn't trying to initiate sex, he was using her body as wank fodder, to get himself off. he doesn't care about his wife's pleasure, he just wanted a quick release!

I wouldn't be annoyed Good for you...but op IS annoyed, and feels assaulted. How about you help her with that, instead of minimising her feelings because YOU wouldn't be upset!!

I can't ducking believe this thread. The op feels violated and upset and your all taking the piss. Fucks sake man. I know right...#Ibelieveyou at it's best!

Some couples have sexual contact that involves one partner being asleep. If they both want and like this, then go for gold.

But this is not a mutual thing in OPs case. And the DH is decidedly sneaky in that he started and stopped and then denied it.
It's not the fact he's wanking that's the problem it's the groping when he thinks she's asleep.

What next? Quietly slipping a finger in?

It's hard to get my head around some of the responses on this thread.

smilasSenseofSnow

Impressive selective quoting there. Pity you ignored the first thing I said which was, "If you don't like it then tell him and seek a solution - that solution may be him being told you don't like it!"

smilas - "Better tell DP so he knows to stop respecting my boundaries when we get married this year!" Really? Get a grip FFS. That clearly isn't what I was implying.

You can attempt to turn this into an argument it clearly isn't but I was suggesting that in a relationship, this behaviour isn't, in some peoples' opinion, sexual assault. Of course, personal boundaries are set by the person and should always be respected.

I can go from very deep sleep to waking when one of our children make noise in their room. I think it's possible he wasn't being sneaky.

OP needs to tell him that she doesn't like it, doesn't want it and that she isn't sure he was asleep.

It doesn't seem to me like he was trying to wake her for sex. He was wanking himself, that's not a thing most people do to wake there dp up for sex.

He was using her to wank. It's disgusting. Just being married does not mean that your body is there to be used whenever.

TooOld you're sounding a bit goady tbh

Fucking hell. I am also absolutely disgusted at some of the responses the OP has received here. Is there a 'Let's see who can be the biggest cunt' Easter competition that I haven't heard about.
OP, I'm sorry I have no practical advice for you. But I absolutely don't think that what he did was ok and on many other threads you would have received a lot more support. I think the initial responses you receive flavour the rest of the thread. Shame a few bitchy people jumped on first.

You were awake, but it sounds like you didn't tell him to stop. If you don't like it, surely the first step is to say something and openly discuss it. You're not just a random person off the street, you're his wife, he's your husband and you have 2 children together. Surely you have or have had some kind of intimate sex life together, and so should be able to discuss boundaries within that.

You tell him in no uncertain terms that you didn't like it, and make it clear that it cannot happen again. If he still claims that he was genuinely asleep then give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that he takes on board what you have said. If it happens again, you take it to the next step - which is urging him to seek some kind of professional help for his problem, and sleep in separate beds.

If you believe he really is lying and he was awake, then there are obviously other issues in your marriage that you need to discuss with him.

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) OP.

Wanking on a sleeping persons ok now is it - the op didn't say that.

Quietly slipping a finger in - he didn't.

The later reactions are as ridiculous as the first.

Man can't have sex with wife following childbirth. Man respects that. Man sleepily strokes wife. Man wanks in bed. Big deal.

Pleased I'm not a man, you can't win.

What the fuck is going on with this thread? Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Troll hunting, minimising a woman's self described experience of being sexually violated and dismissing her discomfort through some kind of weird projection about your own relationship is disgusting behaviour.

Op, you know your relationship, and as you say sex is off the table then it seems likely that your dp was taking advantage of you being asleep to touch you while he masturbated. The fact that that would be ok I. Other people's relationships doesn't mean you need to be ok with it in yours.

MN you've changed. I don't think I like you any more. Sorry you got the goady fuckers on your thread OP. Also that they disregarded your birth injuries which are clearly the context for your upset about this behaviour (I'm not saying you wouldn't mind otherwise). I hope you get some answers to your physical difficulties. Sorry for the vile way some people spoke to you here.

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Some of you really should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. My husband did something similar to me a few weeks ago but took it a little further. Like you I also have a young baby and sex is very much off the cards right now. I don't have any real advice just wanted to say that it's NOT OK and I understand how violated and confused you must feel right now

You should have posted on feminism
OP. They're more on your wavelength over here.

Posters here aren't feminists?

Op dh does this to me and I do it to him. But I am 100% confident he is asleep. Because when I slap his hand away he stops but doesn't wake up.

I also walk and talk in my sleep.

Personally, wether he is asleep or awake I think you should tell him he needs to sleep away from you at the moment.

Yes sexsomnia is a real thing. But that doesn't mean you have to put with it.

But to me it sounds like you don't believe he was asleep. If he wasn't then this is concerning.

Rubbing your wife's arse while you wank is just wrong imo, especially if you know sex is off the table.

I am not sure what advice I can give you, if you don't believe him. But I wouldn't be sharing a bed and considering leaving him. I couldnt stand my husband using me as a prop for his wank.

This thread is awful. Some of you goady fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP - it is not ok for someone to grope you whilst you're asleep. I'm not surprised you feel violated.

Next time wake him up or talk to him.

Only you know what boundaries are in your bedroom.

You have the strongest chance of determining whether he was lying or not. Not us.

I agree. Have read some pp with absolute horror.

I don't think it's ok for him to touch you whilst wanking, without your consent or knowledge. If he wants to have a wank, fine, go for it - but don't touch up your wife while she's sleeping to do it.

People using their own experience of this being a nice cosy sex starter in their own relationship are totally missing the point. It wasn't the case here and the op has come away feeling taken advantage of. And I would too.

Because the op is out of action for sex, her dh should just take his fill in other ways, should he?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Touching your partner to arose them for sex (a MUTUAL activity) is fine, wanking yourself is fine.

Touching your partner to arose yourself for a wank (without the other's party knowledge/consent) is using their body for waking fodder, the same you way some might use porn... he was using her body as a device, not because he wanted them to have a mutual sexual encounter.

Not all posters were unsupportive to be fair.

Unfortunately AIBU is not known for serious discussion. It does happen rarely but in my experience it does not. Hence why I suggested the thread could be moved to relationships.

Oh I don't strike it . Bloody hell. I stroke it!
the correction is even funnier than the original.

^^ what differentname said on their posts.

I love being touched while I'm asleep and waking up to sleepy sex your marriage is in serious trouble you are on totally separate paths if you feel violated or assaulted by your husband and those feeling are valid for you let this poor man go and find happiness with someone who likes him.

different So every time I want to touch my dh I have to ask his consent? And he mine. There wouldn't be time for any other conversation if we did that.

I'm just not getting this, I'm really not.

Say my dh isn't into having sex right now. Fine. However it's night, we're in bed, I'm semi awake and starting to feel horny. DH doesn't want sex. Fine! I reach out and gently touch him. It's just normal, natural. I feel connected and close to him. I quietly start to masturbate. He throws an absolute fit. Chucks me out of bed onto the sofa, he feels violated, wants me out of his bed.

I feel so ashamed, sick, self doubting, unloved, dirty, unsure, degraded, an abuser, tearful, shocked, fearful, an absolute needy sex craved trollop. I'm so so so sorry, I just love you so much.

Thank fuck I can trust my dhs love, and he mine.

Well if that is assault I've assaulted DH on numerous occasions.

Difference is, he doesn't feel that way.
If OP does, why are we dismissing her experience.

Sex is off the menu and this happened.

I wish people could add 2+2