Welcome to the House of Fun (and positivity!) - It's dating thread 100

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

waving that all sounds very sensible. You are sounding very much like a chick who has her shit together!

For what it's worth. I've had guys profess love very early. That, coupled with other OTT behaviours is a massive red flag. But it also doesn't have to be. It can just mean simply that something feels right. Gentle and I told each other we loved each other after 3 weeks. Because it felt right. Going with the flow is the only way. It also depends how much time you've spent getting to know that person I think.

Morning all!

Anna what a conundrum re the arse...

sparkles yeah it's shit all right. It's sorta a wonder the people ever get it on with OLD what with all the inadvertently checking people's online status.... I did it once with Twix and then exited the site - mindmeld.... I hope you get another date pretty sharpish.

waving don't feel bad about laying out your thoughts - makes me feel better for doing the same!!!! I'm a bit envious as Twix is a man of zero words on the subject of how he fees and about me. Although last night he mentioned he'd told his mum he met someone who has kayaked on the same obscure French river as them. I got momentarily very excited then realised it was only a passing mention and didn't necessarily mean he's told her about me. I have so little to go on. Although objectively it's all fine. I long to have those sort of open convos with him. But I had a lovely night out with a girlfriend last night and it felt good just to tell her how I really feel about Twix... I am not feeling as wobbly as Monday though. And there's therapy tomorrow.

Good luck with the 'off grid' time.

See - 'me me me' from Handy again...

Well. Now let's see - he makes you feel good

Is a good barometer. Just keep checking on that?

I can't really explain.... but here goes.

Red flag people usually make me feel a bit anxious and rushed. Bulldozed or obligated. Like I'm getting caught up and it's not my decision. I'm not in control...

No red flag is comfortable, calm, nothing feels panicky. I feel in control. Feels right.

Comes down to gut instinct even time I think. And of course everyone is different.

Hope that makes sense.

Morning

anna I have a view re the arse. There are a portion of men turned on by anal. Yours and theirs. That's option one. Option two is that he has a mighty fine ass and he knows it.
My view? If he's sent it do you, he's sent it to tons of women. That is a huge and immediate turn off for me. No thanks. I'd still block. Or at least respond with a 'does that rubbish work for you often ?'. When I've sent a line like that I've received copious apologies followed by asking me out. men!

waving I do think it is really soon to be saying it. But that's because I'm so wary of being hurt. I think he is either just very brave and open. Or this is a red flag because he forms deep attachments too quickly (and can also leave them just as easily). Only your instinct will tell you which one it is, none of us know him. There Are some lovely souls out there with which love is just love and its that easy. He's out of contact now right for a week? This gives you a week to see how you feel, timing is spot on IMO. Either way, it's a lovely thing for someone to tell you. Amazing actually. Also he is only human!

Ahhhh ocelot that's pretty bad. He doesn't deserve any room in your brain and if you haven't heard a peep I reckon he has moved on. If he regretted it, he would have been back in touch.

sparkles I'm afraid to say that no one comes off any dating apps until convo's have been had. I would absolutely continue to see other people.

Right all, have wonderful days! I'm taking the Easter weekend to ponder dating and will make the decision on whether to come off the apps (looking likely). Does that mean j have to leave the thread? I'll be trying to meet my dates in RL instead!

I don't know whether to stick with my fundamental optimism re calling M - & I know I have to be feeling good at the time - or imagine the worst worst case scenario so anything that happens can't be as bad .... Hmmm

Ah crossed with Sassy good point... But as I haven't moved on I kinda hope be hasn't...but is too stubborn to contact me....there is a bit of history of that :(

Morning waving red flag to me is uber similar to handys explanation.

A red flag is behaviour that makes my gut instinct say woooooaaaahhhh! Even while my brain is saying that's sweet and my heart is going awwww!
It could be anything. Through to a fleeting comment they make. To something they do/ or don't do.
Unfortunately for me a red flag is also someone who gets too involved too fast. Especially at my age. I expect someone I meet to make an effort and make space. And get to know me, gradually, over time. Dates, to overnights to conversations to a weekend away.....

A red flag is also as handy said, if I don't feel comfortable/ right. If it's not natural/ not easy or I feel pressured then it's not working for me.

It's a hard one. Because I personally have to make sure that my red flags aren't because of the emotional pain my ex has caused me (and I'm projecting). I constantly reassess and sleep on things. If that strong feeling is still there days later when I'm well rested etc then I act on it.

Fair enough ocelot. One question.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone too stubborn to say I am sorry and take the first step towards a peace offering?

I speak from history. My ex was like this.
After 10 years it became utterly exhausting and I stopped.

anna thank you you're made me laugh too! I also can't stand poor grammar!

If he seems nice then I wouldn't think too much about the arse shot, I like that he was apologetic about it too - maybe he sent it having a cheeky (no pun intended) moment and then panicked you'd got the wrong impression?

sparkles you are probably right with the pet names thing. I'm trying to ignore it but not sure how well that'll go since its in all one million of his messages sigh

waving yes it is sadly true. I have a habit of picking some pretty awful guys! It boggles my mind at the time because we met through his best friend (who I was good friends at college with and was dating my friend) so I'm sure at some point he would have been like "hey mr construction, how's it going with cakes?" after all these years my only two ideas have been

1. He was always high so maybe he genuinely just always forgot it.
2. He was never anywhere near as interested as I was, he was rebounding and therefore either couldn't be bothered to learn it/lied about not knowing it to be mean.

With regards to MTG - I completely believe that if you're positive, sorted and in a good place, good things happen. You can tell when you meet people the ones who have things together and those who don't (again, sounds a bit woo, I am actually highly sceptical of most things but that I believe).

With regards to being in love that quickly - i never used to believe you could be and I still think there's different kinds of love and the comfortable, trusting-in-each-other, us-against-the-world kind of love I still think takes time to build BUT there have been two guys so far in my life (and please remember the I am a skeptical, cynical person bit here because I'm about to sound like a mushy idiot haha!) where the first time I saw them it felt like I'd been winded and I couldn't breathe properly and I just knew that it would happen. There was none of the usual doubt or worrying. And even though they both turned out to be arses (sorry) I've never been able to be mad at either of them and would probably still date them if either ever turned up on my doorstep!! So I think you can meet people and very quickly know they are people that you can Go on to love so much and that's got to be something right? I know people say there's a lot to be said for comfortable, safe, sensible relationships but I think if you don't have that head over heels bit right at the start, then the relationship doesn't stand much of a chance of getting through all the difficult things life will throw at you.

I like the idea of the lists, but my problem is I know exactly what I want and it's proving very difficult to find!!! I hate the idea of settling though and find it really sad when people do, so I'm pretty determined to plow on thinking one day the right person will just come along and I'm happy to wait until then and just date for fun in the meantime - is that silly? Most people in real life keep telling me that maybe I should stop holding out for someone who ticks all the boxes and be happy with someone who ticks most of them instead!

Oooh sassy making lots of good points. You are another who's sounding like a chick who has her shit together. For that reason, I don't think you should come off the apps as you sound like you're in quite a good place (or is it a case of its easy to give others advice?)

It think MTG's declared of feeling is a 'proceed with caution' or one step below Amber flag.

Just keep listening to your own vibrations. Info believe we have those. And I'm a hardened cynical cow.....

I think I may be seeing Twix later!! Eek and Yey!

MTG is just experiencing intense feelings. He is not trying to fall in with a different future.

Nanny and toosassy have expressed the red flag cautions so well.

Is worrying that I could hurt mrcanceller a red flag. We have only had two dates six months apart. Ive dated all manner of wildlife in the jungle while he has (i think) been working up to asking people out and getting out there.

I wouldnt like the arse shot either. Id block without analysis.

But that's just me! :-)

Laughing out loud nanny at your question.
I think I'm in a good place. Right now I think I just want to focus on some new hobbies I have started, my career and am very contentedly planning holidays etc with my girlfriends. Spending the whole of Easter weekend with combo of my besties. Cannot wait! I'm not entirely convinced I want to make the space to see someone and if that is the case it is wrong to be 'dating'. I just want to be totally and utterly selfish which doesn't go hand in hand with welcoming new people into my life. There's the brutal truth.

Now hot men who are totally unsuitable on the other hand.....

Hey, good for you sassy I've been there before. Have fun. Come off apps for a while. I went back on when I thought I had space. For the right person. Had fun with some totally unsuitable hot young men in the meantime..

OMG! I just got my decree absolute so I'm divorced!

I managed to escape the abusive bastard! Yay!

All I need now is a man to help me celebrate!

What Cake says about falling in love was how it was with M on both sides I do believe.... In some ways he was rushing like MTG but when I felt confident to respond it scared him (?)

I need to ask him to know I've tried ...I will be devastated if its no & he's offhand or horrible :( hence I've said Thursday as I only have Friday to get through then if it is bad as am away at friends in Wales from Sat (could ask to go Friday..) If its a positive response I won't be able to see him for a while! If I do t feel upbeat when I get back I may have to reassess... But i have realized I have to get out of this limbo somehow....

I'm mid 50s...when I met him it made everything make sense.....I don't think I will find someone I connect with again like this :( - would probably feel differently if 20 yrs younger although there were few enough then....I hope he feels this too! This way I will know...

Any other counselvratefully received...

Sassy I'm saving that thought about dealing with stubbornness..
For now I cut him some slack because of his difficult past& how he's tried to cope with it but PPC (post phone call) I may need to gather up all the foibles ( against him?)

Ocelot, I don't want to be mean, but I am concerned you are setting yourself up for a fall. If he ended it, do you not think he would have made efforts to put things right if he thought you should be together.

And naturally you will find it difficult to connect with anybody else while he is occupying all your headspace.

I really hope I'm wrong and you get the happy ending you are so hoping for.