Welcome to the House of Fun (and positivity!) - It's dating thread 100

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Morning all!

Yes, good spot NotToday and well done for reporting and reminding us to be careful with what we reveal here. Mind you, a certain person on the last thread managed to reveal rather a lot and nothing bad ever came of that...

Handy So pleased you had a chat with Twix. He's a goodun!

Lacoba I agree with Sassy that it's actually quite a good thing that MrDiamond is talking to you. He could just completely ghost you but he's freaking out a bit and telling you that.

Batshit Glad that you heard from MrM

Sassy Chilled and chemistry sounds amazingly good. Enjoy!

So, Bacon update...I messaged him yesterday evening basically saying I was free Saturday if he was up to meeting up. He replied this morning and said unfortunately he's going back to spend time with his family this weekend. No mention of rescheduling though. So I replied and said that I hope it all goes well and that he knew where I was when he was back. We had a couple more messages and his last message was "speak soon...I hope".
I have to leave it there right? I think Roland hit the nail on the head when she said that he was either not that into me or just had too much other stuff going on at the moment. Either way, the best thing to do is just give him some space. I've been nice and understanding and made it really clear that I'd still like to meet and it's up to him to follow up on that now, when he's ready.
It's going to be a weekend of studying, eating chocolate and dating the thread for me I think!

Freaky I'd say too much on his mind is all. If he wasn't into you and has personal problems he would have just blanked / ghosted. Nice that he said 'speak soon I hope' i would have replied 'me too'

Thanks Nanny. I do feel a bit like I'm being simmered but totally understandable under the circumstances. It's a good sign that he's so family-oriented anyway. Anyway, have sent a "me too...x" message and now I am leaving it. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

Hi just seen that I'm in trouble - have I been banned?
Sorry I used a name from fb - it thought I was not the only one...
And sorry too that i replied to a Q about who did a certain job (& v.sorry to that person :( ) schoolgirl error!

Assuming I can still post.... I am seriously thinking of ringing M when I get back -after 4 months silence - to sse if besvot his shit together re relationships (assuming I'm not really the problem) but not sure what to say.. What would MH suggest?
BTw it has to be a conversation so pls don't suggest messaging... It I know I need to keep it light, not needy(!) & short...
As you see 21/30 days no contact has not worked in my case even though I'm having g fun in other things

One time I got SERIOUSLY burned ringing a man who'd told me to ring him. He gave me some excuse about his mother being in town. {morto}

What happened? Was there a breach of security? I have always felt that there is a kind of Bermuda Triangle where your anonymity can be lost when facebook and anonymous fora collide! But we're all still here {clutches railings}

Lacoba66, I think MH is perfectly in tune with the male psyche despite his young age! and although I didn't think that it worked for every man (eg, mr canceller, because his marriage was just non-stop rejection) the fact is that Mr canceller still came back in the end. I didn't contact him!! With the benefit of a few days now, I can see that the only difference is that he was openly very relieved to be back in touch and he'd doubted that I still liked him etc, he still came back to me and I did not succumb to the double communication!! (ie, two in a row from my side)... If I'd sent two in a row, for all I know he could have thought, phew I was wrong, this is not another rejection. But he could have left it there.

We're going out on Friday night but he's been talking about children's programmes and I'm thinking, could the conversation be any more meaningless. So, we'll see. Sober date Friday. We might not survive it! So the search will continue. But not quite yet. I need ten days.

Meeting Bear at the airport Sunday on my way back from outsourcing my DC to their Dad for a week. Looking forward to that. 48 hours of being like a young free, single adult with no responsibilities who can shag invite a man back to her own otherwise empty house. Heaven. I can just enjoy the company of another (male :-p ) adult. If my married friends knew they'd roll their eyes at my foolishness but I don't care. I just want to enjoy the child free time. Mark it, by doing something I could never do when they were here. I have other plans too for when he leaves. I might go to the cinema on my own to see the big short the night he goes.

PS< I'm well aware of rule 14. It's fine.

I haven't read all the thread yet (but will endeavour to catch up) but figured that this would be the place to go for some advice!

I have been single since ex partner left 4 years ago. I was miserable by the end of it so when he left decided to focus my time on making my life how I wanted it - I signed up to the degree I'd never been allowed to do, got back in touch with friends I was never allowed to see and just generally had a lovely time (minus the first few shitty months where I had an almighty pity party).

So my issue is this. I have loved being single ever since. I have a lot of amazing friends and combined with having a 5 year old and a degree I do full time from home around work, not a lot of time to see them in. I've dated a little bit here and there but it's been people I know well who know the deal and it always ends because I don't have enough time to see them and they get pissy (probably fair but I am always upfront about it).

A few weeks ago I had been out with the girls on a child-free night, took one of them home and she asked if I wanted to come in for a bit. Her husband had his friend (we shall call him ummm twirl - mainly because I'm unimaginative and just ate one) over who lives about an hour and a half away and has a busy job (this becomes relevant shortly). Twirl was lovey all night and next day asked my friend if he could have my number. I thought yeah why not, as he lives far away and is busy he'll probably be like me and accept that I don't have a lot of free time.

Since then he texts me A LOT. And if I don't reply I get a series of texts (all of them polite) culminating in "are you okay? Bit worried as I haven't heard from you". Scheduling has been a nightmare (mainly on my part) and he has been very patient and we've finally found a day we can both do this week but I am now wavering.

First of all, he consistently refers to me as babe (probably should have mentioned my hatred of pet names to him, I now feel it's too late), says a lot about cuddles (I was ill and he said something along the lines of awww babe sounds like you need a cuddle) and is already discussing subsequent dates .

I have no idea whether this is normal, healthy behaviour in dating. I am a complete cynic and everyone who knows me IRL often jokes that I am like a stereotypical bloke when it comes down to romance and dating. I can't work out whether I am just creating obstacles because I'm worried about giving up the independent life I've built and enjoyed for the last few years, should go and could end up completely enjoying myself and carry on wanting to see him, or if I'm really being completely unreasonable, should cancel the date and explain although he's lovely, I don't want to waste his time.

It's also a tad awkward because I don't know my friend's husband very well and don't want him to think I'm messing his friend about.

Sorry for the essay, just wanted some unbiased advice. It's about a 50/50 split between friends I've asked, some saying he's a bit overkeen and they'd call the whole thing off, the others saying you're just not used to nice guys, this is how they act and you have nothing to lose giving it a shot!

OMG, the ''babe'' thing wouldn't be good for me. The last man who called me babe got this song sent to him on whatsapp

I'm hyper alert for red flags, and sometimes they're meaningless but I'd just watch out to see if he already has you pigeon holed. Cookie cutter shaped woman to fit the babe shaped gap in his life. Or, is he engaged in the process of getting to know you.

You can diall back the excessive contact with a quick ''of course!'' in response to ''are you ok?'' and then communicate in the evening. Or whenever suits you.

If he is acting too proprietorial over you too soon, remind him overtly or subtly that the two of your are only getting to know each other.

Thanks Waving I think the gist of that would work for a short call (I watched an MH video about the 3 minute call - albeit different circs - I'll watch that again beforehand ) I have something in mind I can refer to... :)
And just more thanks :)

But in answer to your specific question, no I don't think it's exactly normal. I think both parties (even if both keen) are usually very careful not to act like things are a done deal. I only ever refer to one date ahead. If a man I'd been out with once was planning the date after the next date, I would think whoah, we're not a done deal unless I'm on board with that too! Like, he's full steam ahead, without having asked you what you want or think!

I've been on MN for years and lurking on the dating threads for a while.
I'm recently on Tinder and tentatively on POF and OKC.

I've been meaning to post for a few weeks but today I could do with your counsel, oh wise ones.
It's cheeky, I'm new and I'm coming straight in with a call for the A Team, hope that's ok?

mag314s glad I am not alone in my hatred of 'babe' - I get a lot of stick for this in RL from the guys at work who don't understand my problem with it! I think you're right. I am normally very blasé with first dates, I always just see them as an opportunity to meet and chat to someone new but him being so keen and forward planning (especially since his future planned date was 'snuggling up together to watch a film on the sofa') has made me a bit panicky! I'm not a particularly cuddly, cutesy-cutesy girl and I think you're right that he's probably trying to fit me into some sort of ideal he's got!! We shall wait and see, I'm meeting him Sunday night so I will update you all!

I have been putting off replying to texts hoping he'll get the message (he doesn't) but then I feel like a complete bitch because I've hated it previously when guys take days an unreasonably long time to reply. Arggh. Why does it always get so complicated!!

I have now read the entire thread! What a lovely bunch you all are

waving I have loved reading about MTG! Sorry he's going off the grid tomorrow, hope you get some time to chat today!

freaky I think you're doing the right thing re bacon. Timing is such a shitty thing sometimes :(

I do have a quick question after reading - what does iron stand for? I got that it was about a potential date-person but didn't know where it had come from. Is it a MH thing?

Cakes irons is not an MH thing. It might have even been a me thing Been referring to them that way for quite a while.

Speaking of irons 314 has anything come of your round of favouriting?

Re your situation Cakes it sounds like your situation is not dissimilar to mine in that you rebuilt an amazing life from a place quite low down to the ground, emotionally. This has been a way of soothing your soul. And so it should. So now comes the task of seeing who can poke holes in your defences (emotionally) via RL or virtual dating chat. And maybe your instinct is telling you that you can't afford for it to be someone who might steal some of your life back off you. Or call you 'babe' (sets my teeth on edge) or who thinks that your place in life is - parked next to him on a sofa in front of a movie, having 'cuddles'.

No harm in saying 'yes' to that date with your friends's dh's mate. But dictate the terms ie tell him you agree to an out-of-the-home-date. If you detect he is needy, however, that's just going to kill your attraction though - nothing you can do about that..... but I wouldn't necessarily bail just yet. Remember it's still 'fun' even if not 'the one'

Nothing handy :-(

I've just set up a profile on POF and one on tinder. HELP

ocelot please don't worry. You were never in trouble. But I think we were all getting too comfy with sharing too much info.

So I would ring. Either way, it would get some clarity or closure. Literally just 'hey, long time now speak. Thought I'd ring and see how you're doing?' As a start. You'll know by initial response and how the rest of the convo goes. Then go with gut instinct. Write prompts or something maybe? Don't know if that's helpful but it's what I would do anyway.

Hello newbies. Haven't had time to read last page yet but hopefully you'll get good advice. Best thread on Mumsnet here

Ocelot of course you're not in trouble - I didn't mean to upset you and just reported the posts quietly so the info would disappear, but thought I'd better explain when other people noticed.

Evening all

It's been a long few days! Am tucked up in bed already!

freaky I think your approach with bacon is spot on. You've more than done your part now you just wait and see.

ocelot what's the history with you and M?

314 you're seeing bear this weekend??? Did I miss an update! How come?

cake I would go on the date. There are zero expectations from anyone. See how it goes. The babes would have me a little . Well more than a little.

Welcome anna. Do you need advice? Spill and we shall advise!

to thread. Anyone dating? We've gone very quiet on the date front. What's going on???

Hi all well I'm back from second date with MrBeard and it was so lovely, we walked around hand In hand couldn't stop snogging n when I left as I had an hour drive he said 'text as soon as you home so I know u got back on '.... All good I think...

....so why when I log into pof to see if he is... which he is!

The thick skin is hardest part !

sparkles that sounds amazing.
But POF is shit in that sense. You either get back from a date to look at their profile again cos you're swooning. Or checking on them. And they are checking on you. Or they are reading messages.
At the end of the day, time will tell.
I've been there. The angst is tough. If it's meant to be....

handy you've hit the nail on the head I think with regards to my attitude to dating! I am gradually beginning to realise that if I keep it up I am likely to stay single and regret not taking the chance one day. I'm 26 and feel like I need to get out there a bit more and stop playing it so safe. I am following yours and sassy's advice - have suggested going for drinks at the pub on Sunday and am going to see it as light hearted and fun and maybe drop in that pet names make my skin crawl and I've already told him I have two assignments in next week so if it turns out to be awful I can make a timely exit!

ocelot I would definitely call. I never have the guts to do things like that and spend forever wondering about it. When I was 17 I dated a guy I was head over heels for (as you are at that age) for a year, decided to make the big step of losing my virginity to him and then he never called me again after. I never knew why and never had the guts to get in touch and ask. I never did stop wondering why and then a year or so ago a friend dates one of his friends and bumped into him, he made a point of bringing me up and asking her to apologise for how he treated me and said he'd just been a bit of a prat for no good reason but he was never that interested. It was lovely to finally get some closure but I wish I'd been brave enough to call then! Also, you never know, he might have been busy and then felt it was taking the piss to get back in touch! Might be the start of something wonderful!

314 I think I've missed the backstory on bear, might have to go have another read back, but I think your Sunday plans sound wonderful! I know it's a bit taboo to say it as a mum but I find child free days lovely to do all those things people normally wistfully look back on as things they could have done pre-children! Obviously I love being with my son loads and it was weird getting used to him being gone but I do secretly love my child free time too.

sparkles if it's any consolation, when Idid online dating even if I had a couple of good dates with someone I'd check back in on there because it was the norm for people to disappear. I wouldn't actively look for people if I was getting on well with someone it was kind of just there as a back up? It sounds like it's going so well, don't let it ruin a wonderful date

Thanks Nanny and Cake yes you right it's just kind of demoralising. Now I've had a message from quite a good looking guy also (buses springs to mind) but wouldn't normally date two at once but if he still keeping his options open maybe I should too