please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

He can't 'pursue you through the courts. You have broken no law and he has no rights whatsoever over your pregnancy. Like PP said, any attempts he might make to do this will simply provide further evidence that he is a raging arsehole and help you get non-mol orders in place and hopefully send him to prison.

A very sad story and what a hard decision you had to make. In one way I feel relief for you though as one day your contact with him will be over whereas the alternative was being tied to him for the rest of your life which doesn't bear thinking about.

It never ceases to amaze me how many "crazy" exes these men have and yet never work out what the common denominator is.

It does sound like the police know far more than you do about him, so hopefully they will be all over him.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that he is kept away from you for good

best wishes for you and your dd ,op. You had the courage to do what you had to do for the sake of all concerned. I am guessing you and your dd will need counselling .

So very sorry for your difficult decision Buzz.......you have been very brave, and l hope things improve very soon so you and your DD can look forward without fear.

Everyone here is rooting for you and supporting you.

Very, very sorry to read of this, Buzz, you must be in absolute turmoil. I think you did the only thing possible that would keep him out of yours and your daughter's life. He did this to you. I hope the police arrest him soon.

You have been so brave, OP. Among other things, your story illustrates why choice is SO important.

Just wanted to send you my love and best wishes x

Really overwhelmed by your messages of support, thank you. There aren't the words for what I have been through recently, and I continue to feel absolute turmoil, pain and real anger at what I have had to do.

He has continued with an email with solicitor cced, demanding 'I am going to require you send some proof (hospital appt or a Dr's note) that you are no longer pregnant. Assuming you do this, I will not contact you again. I have copied in my solicitor for your reassurance. Please provide the evidence within 7 days else I will ask < solicitor > to issue formal proceedings.
Again, I'm sorry it has come to this as I would have loved nothing more than to parent our child together and I am deeply upset that you have said you are no longer pregnant.

I told him there is no law that says I have to give him proof and i will forward this email and any further communication to the police as evidence of his ongoing harassment
His response
You are correct, there is no law but if you are telling the truth, there is no reason you wouldn't provide evidence, on the basis that I would leave you alone as the result.

The paper trail is clear and precise and we are now not talking about the pregnancy but custody. Please feel free to share this with the police but I am just a father to be, trying to get a clear answer. , as per my prior mail, if Buzz hasn't provided evidence as requested within 7 days, please proceed as discussed.

Horrid horrid man, I know to the ignore the letters, I don't what he thinks he will achieve, his threats will not work with me...but I am really really exhausted.

What a piece of shit. I am shaking with rage on your behalf. He is nothing more than a controlling, bullying cunt. Revel in the satisfaction of knowing you have played a blinder and it's 1-0 to you, albeit at great personal cost, for which I'm sorry for you.

Then I doubt highly that's a real solicitor he's CCing in. Have you researched him/her? Or done a check on whether the email address is correct?

Solicitors are bound by law, and as agents of the Court, not to engage in unlawful activity. Twunt as good as admits he's harassing you, then is allegedly instructing his solicitor to continue the harassment?!? Naaah, just doesn't wash. He's lying.

One more missive for the police to review.

Also, feel free to PM me with the alleged-solicitor's name if you trust me to do some research for you. I am very familiar with this industry.

... but if you are telling the truth, there is no reason you wouldn't provide evidence, on the basis that I would leave you alone as the result.

I've got a big reason you won't provide the information: it's none of his fucking business.

Stay strong.

Thank you, not sure how to pm on a tablet. Will try tomorrow on desktop.
Did research the solicitor cced, a female partner in a family firm so seems legit on that front and I know he will pay whatever to get what he wants .
Thank you

You don't have to read any of his emails or letters. You already know his words won't make you do anything. Well, they will make you feel stress and worry.

You could set your email to do an auto forward to friend or police and then auto delete the email. You don't have to read it.

You could do similar with letters.

You don't have to read anything.

The only reason not to burn / delete completely immediately is to keep the insane trail of evidence in case you need it.

Yes, but all it takes is for him to drop one letter, put a full stop in the wrong place, any other mis-typing of the firm's email format and it's an invalid address which you don't see the bounce of unless you tried writing to her as well.

And even if she exists and is receiving these emails, I doubt highly she knows the full extent of police involvement.

64 I'm raging too, honestly. He is a bully and I will not allow him to bully me or do any more damage to us than he has already done.

The email is the only thing I haven't been able to block him off, and I guess then it will be solicitors letters anyway after that

The email does look like the right one, it's 'family@ xyz solicitor . Co.uk but he names the partner in the email. No they won't know the extent of police involvement and when I have mentioned harassment and sending to police he stopped, so perhaps they advised him. They were sent between 8/9pm though

Horrid horrid man. You poor thing, it's the last thing you after your experience. I do feel so sad for you.

Vis a vis emails. I would hang on to them as they are proof of harrassment. You don't need to look at them as soon as they come in though. Make a new folder in your inbox and then set up a rule or filter which will move anything from his address straight into that folder. You can then choose the time/day that you bother to open them. Or you could ask a friend or family member to scan them for you and let you know if there's anything you actually need to reply to (unlikely). Use a rule or filter to forward them to thet person.

I hope you have a restful night, and are feeling OK yourself, not suffer after-effects of the op.

Hello buzzpop, there are indeed no words. I am steaming with anger myself at what that excuse for a human being is perpetrating on you.

What I really want to say to you though is that I am so sorry for your loss. However a loss comes about the pain is real when different circumstances could have resulted in you bringing a loved and wanted child into the world. The strength you have shown through all of this is something I admire and I hope that you can find a way to express, either here or in RL, all the things you need to. Taking on pain to spare your DCs is something really special.

Buzz, I have had trouble blocking email addresses but I know it can be done.

You've done well so far, don't give an inch this odious little man.

Please inform the police and maybe contact his solicitor to say that they are implicated in a harassment case against you. She maybe be connected by family (and may not know he is to be arrested), but I am sure she will back the feck off when she realises his actions could harm her career/her business etc.

as somebody with an abusive x, I agree. YOu don't have to continue with the pregnancy. The stress I've been through to escape, paying for solicitorss I can't afford etc... I wouldn't wish it on anybody. My x fast forwarded at the beginning too and after the flakiness and commitment shy men i was used to it seemed attractive but it wasn't real. my x guilted me massively if I EVER tried to meet one of my own needs and your 'bf' sounds the same. If you ever try and meet one of your own needs, for the rest of your life you will be branded selfish. If you go ahead and do it anyway, he will give it the most negative interpretation you can imagine.
I'd break the link.

Delurking to send you and your daughter all good wishes for Life After Knob. You are a tiger mother in the fullest sense.

Thank you for your support, it really means a lot, what you said about being a tiger mother and taking pain for the children made me cry, this has been such hell, and I don't feel brave...just pain.
And I'm angry because he left me no real choice through his behaviour. I'm going to see the doctor soon so that I can get referred for counselling because inside I'm raging and I don't know what to do with that.
I've reported to Police again this morning.

Just re-reading your update and running it through a Bullshit Translator:

The paper trail is clear and precise and we are now not talking about the pregnancy but custody.

First of all, no, we're not, as you're not pregnant. And it's not called "custody" here. Further proof (in my eyes) that he hasn't truly got a solicitor in his corner.

Please feel free to share this with the police ... he thinks you're bluffing - prove him wrong! ... but I am just a father to be, ... no he's not ... trying to get a clear answer. which you've already given him.

, as per my prior mail, if Buzz hasn't provided evidence as requested within 7 days, please proceed as discussed.

You probably know by now that the solicitor will do no such thing, esp given that she's now apprised that police involvement and harassment are factors.

Don't get me wrong. Even if he were a convicted criminal he'd be entitled to legal assistance, but (this is important!) not to do illegal acts.

May I strongly suggest you get the police to step up their side of things. The faster and more thoroughly they deal with this, the sooner you'll be free. Think of it as an investment in hassle. A little extra hassle now will pay dividends in a lot less hassle dien the road.

And, sorry, but I really do think you need to think hard about the possibility that he tampered with your birth control. Since my first post about that, I've been doing more reading-up about - it's sickeningly more common than you'd think. If you even think he might have dine this, it's worth mentioning to the police, as well. Of course there's probably no way to prove or disprove it, but I'm getting the impression the police already have him on their radar: it may well have been for the same reason. Or the next woman might have a similar problem.

Sorry for the long rant.

Cross-post! I meant your update of 00:38 today.

Well, his continuing behaviour can leave you in no doubt whatsoever that you were right not to go through with the pregnancy. You would never, ever have been free of him. He sounds totally deranged.

Sorry it's all been so hideous and continues to be, OP.