please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

Well done you. I now have a non mol against my ex, and it comes with a power of arrest attached, which will hopefully help to reassure you.

I hope you can get some peace and space to think.

Well done for protecting yourself with non-mol.

Just a reminder, that emotional abusers, always use the softly softly tactic to reel you back in after an angry burst when they go too far.
It is text book EA behaviour

Thank you
yes that's way I thought Mix, seen it too many times now. Definitely to get what he wants, which is contact, involvement during the pregnancy and attendance at scans, though the language is different this time

Buzzpop , you are very brave , l feel so sorry for you for what this complete@@@@@@ is trying to do.

As you clearly dearly want to have this baby, it would be incredibly difficult to live with aborting. Could you work out a clever plan with your family to trick him into thinking that you have had a miscarriage and due to the trauma have left the area.

I realise l am advocating huge upheaval for you and DD but why should you lose something so precious because of a bullying monster of a man. HOW DARE HE.

I was once assaulted then stalked by a DP who was not going to give up, so l lied about where l was moving, changed jobs and told him something else...in fact left a whole false trail, l was very thorough, no social media, careful to cut ties with joint friends etc, all planned in advance and he never found me and soon lost interest....l still know where he is and have a secret weapon should l need it!

If you want to keep your baby, get mad, fight back hard, fight clever and plan an escape.

But, I've been through worse ...

So has Rwanda. Doesn't mean you have to put up with this shit. Please, for your and your DD's sake, set the bar higher.

and all I've been thinking today when I've been exhausted is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Sadly, not true. What doesn't kill you can also cripple you to the point where you can't protect yourself and your loved ones. As platitudes go, I much prefer "Nip it in the bud"

I hope I don't sound harsh. And I am dead proud of you for taking the steps you have! But you do know, even though he was all conciliatory in this latest email, he's still getting in touch when you asked him not to. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't his sudden 180 freak you out more than more of the same? It would me!

I guess we'll see how Twunt reacts when he receives the non-mol.

Bottom line, I hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend with DD, some quality girl time, good sleep.

I am pro choice, but I really really don't think that you should abort a baby that you want.

Your ex sounds the uncontrollable type that will fuck up and leave an almighty paper trail to prove it. He already is.
You have professional support and you can move back to be nearer family in the future.

But if you want the baby, I don't believe abortion to be the right way for you

I hope your appointment goes well this morning.

Regardless of his language he wants to control you, do not be fooled by him ever, do not let him have any contact with you other than via email. Do not weaken at all ever.

Do not reply to his emails - he has no rights at all until the baby is born.

Also, blocking him completely - no response to texts, emails or phonecalls, non-mol in place so he can be arrested if he comes within half a mile of you or whatever - (as you have every right to do until after the birth) might actually make him get bored and go away. For all men like this rant and roar and threaten, being completely stonewalled often puts them off and makes them move on to look for another woman to bully. He's not interested in the child, he doesn't want to be a father, he just wants to make a fucking nuisance of himself.

Not responding to him, but he has sent more emails today claiming how sorry he is and how he wants to be involved and to be the best dad he can be...all very emotive.
I can't see him ever stopping re the child, because he is possessive and needy and in his head the child belongs to him.
Had the Marie stopes counselling today and feel like I'm getting somewhere slowly but I still swing between each decision.
Thank you for all the responses, I read back through them, and it does help

I've not been in your position OP but have similar views re pro choice so I can see how agonising this must be. No one can tell you what decision to make - it's your choice and whichever way will be a multitude of consequences.

My gut feeling is that you were 8 weeks in and had an accident. You could feasibly if you want another DC have another relationship or even sperm donation.

This pregnancy will lead to a child who has an abusive father - and all those issues that follow.

It is a heart breaking decision to make but I fear there is only one way you would be free of him

I'm afraid I agree with petalstars. Unless you find some way of disappearing without trace, this man is going to make life hell for his offspring.

Once you have the non-mol orders in place any email he sends is a criminal offence. It doesn't have to be aggressive to be a breach of the order. Remember that he has absolutely no right to any contact with you, at present, and you have every right to refuse any kind of engagement with him. Whatever he might say or threaten you do not have to inform him of the progress of your pregnancy, send him scan pictures or allow him to attend the birth. Even once the baby is born, you do not have to allow him into the hospital or into your home: he will not be able to insist on seeing the baby without a court order and he will first have to prove the baby is his and then go back to court for a contact order - all the time he is doing these things, you will still be able to ignore emails and phone calls and refuse to answer the door to him, and to call the police if he tries to pester you in the street.

You are doing really well with accessing all the right kind of support and advice. Good for you.

From what you've said I agree and also get the impression that his neediness is such that he would never give up. It's like he's got some intense fantasy about how this child will heal or complete him. Evidence of that is how much he has shifted to trying to be conciliatory, from being so enraged at you - that must have been so hard for him to do, and to me shows how intense this fantasy of his is, that he will swallow his rage to try to preserve the relationship with the fantasy child. (Obviously he's still totally unstable, abusive and incapable of genuine love or care for a child - this is all about how the child will make him feel. And when the fantasy breaks down he would torture the child for failing to heal him).

So sorry you are in this situation.

He sounds like he has a PD

This website has good advice:

outofthefog.website/

Think of the life this baby is going to have. His dad is an abuser, he may very well be abusive to your child.

I know you want a baby. But are you sure this is the right way?

buzz yes he is needy and possessive and I'm afraid that someone like him defines himself by being able to win this personal battle. I do think he sounds like the type that will never give up, ever. His veering from ranting to conciliatory is a bit scary TBH

I do think you have had a range of opinions on here and this is MN at it's best so just take from this thread what you need and want and be careful.

Just even more because you have tough times ahead regardless of the decision you make

I second that emotion, Random

veering from "ranting to conciliatory" is textbook EA.

You need to decide if you can live with the possibility of him pursuing you for the next 18 years. If he has lots of money he can pay for the legal stuff. & get access.

He's had legal advice, OP. That advisor has told him he has no rights to your body, to scans, to medical intervention, to anything to do with the baby - until it is born.

That is why he's backed off - because he cannot bully you legally, yet. He knows that being 'nice' and 'supportive' might be the best way forward for him, until he has 'rights' over the born child.

Thank you for and messages. Yes I absolutely think he has legal advice, by the way the email was worded, and such a quick turnaround. He will do whatever it takes.
The police have been today, gave a statement re harassment and they are going to deliver a harassment warning. He will probably appeal, or make allegations against me, anything is possible.
I haven't decided whether to pursue the shove yet, because that would be long and drawn out and involve court. I've been through enough, I don't have the energy.
They assured me its on file though so at least for any other women who have the misfortune to meet him romantically, and means he will be arrested if he contacts me again.
Not really sure what the difference is re non-mol order and this, will ask solicitor. Feeling a bit more protected to be able to make a decision in peace

You are doing so well! KOKO

I am worried for you, do you have any support from anyone?

Hi Buzz..hope you are Ok ..thinking of you..

Hope your doing ok