please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

Everything is on a spectrum . This man seems to be near the far end of the control/abuse spectrum. He has been honing his skills for a loong time . You have done well op escaping his clutches. It shd be a crime to deliberately impregnate a woman and use her body to grow a child for the man to control and abuse. Counselling will help you to deal with his abuse of you but maybe a lawyer can help you get redress.

OP, you know there is nothing on this earth that can force you to 'prove you are no longer pregnant'; no law, no court, no solicitor's proceedings!

and but if you are telling the truth, there is no reason you wouldn't provide evidence, on the basis that I would leave you alone as the result. - the inference is that he wouldn't leave you alone otherwise, is totally harassment and bullying, and control. Def pass that to the Police.

You have SO done the right thing!

"Just prove to me I still control you, and I'll stop trying to control you". Doesnt sound likely, does it?!

I'm tempted to suggest you send him an ST covered in blood - he did ask for proof....

The solicitor he claims to have hired is either incompetent or happy to take his money for a lot of pointless nonsense. In the UK, men have no rights over a pregnant woman even if they are, or believe themselves to be, the source of the sperm that started the pregnancy. 'Father's rights' (which are actually a child's right to see his/her father) do not come into play until the child is born. So no, you cannot be compelled to prove you are not pregnant.

Try to think of him wasting a lot of money on a solicitor's time, and the solicitor having a quiet laugh at him behind his back: it may be comforting.

on the basis that I would leave you alone as the result. That is a threat. Implies he will not 'leave you alone' otherwise.

Biblio very very tempting .
I know he has no rights over me or my body, he is such a bully, I fear for any women and children in his future and for that reason I will continue reporting to the Police and will prosecute if they are happy they have enough evidence.

I still have not heard anything back from them and he is out of the country for five days from tomorrow. I'm going to go to the police station and give in my phone etc for evidence in his absence.

Re the solicitor's letter I shall take great pleasure in burning it, I can imagine it will be really cathartic

Don't burn it. I'm all for getting healing in any way you can, but you need to keep evidence!

give any letters , emails etc to the police.

The letter from solicitor came via email today, no doubt he is blind copied, and exactly seven days just as he said in his last threatening emails.
I am shocked this family solicitors is proceeding as they are copied into my response to his threats stating he is continuing to harrass me and all further communication will be given to the Police.
It basically repeats what he has said in emails, that I 'allege to no longer be pregnant' , that this has come as a shock to their client because despite difficulties in the relationship with me, he was very happy at the news that he was to become a father, and to assist him in accepting that he is no longer to be a Father, please provide some documentary evidence from the hospital or your doctor to confirm you are no longer pregnant. Once our client has sight of this, he confirms he will not contact you again.
Understandably our client needs to be sure that the information you have provided is correct, as f you are having his child, he is keen to be fully involved both in the pregnancy and to be fully involved with his child following the birth.
We hope you will understand the position our client finds himself him and your cooperation would be appreciated.

I'm livid, torn between

• reporting it to Police as evidence of further harassment and letting solicitors know (though they already know this from prior emails that he CEO them into and I responded to stating it was ongoing harassment and would be forwarded to police)

• completely ignoring, not responding at all ... But I do not know what he will do after that....

The Police are being rubbish, still haven't arrested or done anything at all to him despite three separate reports and statements, I have to do a three hour round trip at the weekend to give in all my evidence to an officer who frankly, sounds like he sympathizes, and I didn't get good vibes off when I said I was no longer pregnant as a result of what has gone on... Originally I didn't want him arrested, but I do now. I've had enough, I want him out of my life and I want him to know he doesn't get to do this to women.

That letter is a sop, buzzpop, they're asking for your 'co-operation'. You don't have to oblige. If it were me, I would send them a letter back, recorded delivery:

Dear Sir/Madam,
There is no legal obligation for me to provide evidence that you have requested therefore I am not prepared to do so. Please do not contact me again; any further contact from your client or yourselves on his behalf in this matter, will be referred to the police.
Yours faithfully,

The solicitor doesn't need to know that the police aren't exactly being helpful but perhaps you could get in touch with the police again and ask to speak to somebody else if you're not happy with their response.

Thank you, yes think I will do that at the weekend re the Police. I didn't take out the ex parte harassment order with solicitors because I thought the police were doing their bit.
Each time they come round they reassure me, but nothing happens. Maybe I need to proceed with that now, I didn't originally want to see him in court, because of course he will challenge it, but I feel there is well enough evidence now, and I am genuinely scared of what he will do when he realises he can't get anywhere with the solicitor.
I already feel like I am being followed, I just want it to end

What would they actually be arresting him for? When I went through something similar they went and had a word with the guy and gave him a warning. I eventually had to get a non-molestation order with a power of arrest. I think they need to be really clear with you about what they can/are going to do so you are not fobbed off.

They said they do positive action for domestic incidents and that is usually arrest. Originally they said three counts, one of harassment, two for assault. When the person dealing with it ( different to those that came and took statements) rang me a couple of days ago he said they were just going to chat with him and men issue a harassment warning, but when I asked him if he read the other reports he said he hadn't, and I said I want him arrested for harassment and I would bring in the evidence

Emotional abuse? Harassment?

I bet his solicitor thinks he's an absolute prick

You have to get really firm with the police. Their failure so far to act (arrest the Twunt, for instance) has allowed the solicitor to send this. I suppose, technically, she hasn't committed a crime because he's not in the criminal system for this yet.

And if you have to go the alternative route for the non-mol order, so be it.

This really sucks, and I'm sorry you're still having all thus aggro. But, can I say something?

I've had enough, I want him out of my life and I want him to know he doesn't get to do this to women.

I just fell in love with you a little. Your main reaction isn't helplessness; it's fighting. For justice.

Are you getting legal advice? Maybe try posting on the legal board in here.

I would be tempted to write back to the solicitor to state that you are not yet legally represented but will be left with no option but to seek formal advice in relation to what they are asking of you if these communications continue.

I would let them know that their letter has been handed to the police. I would also let them know that you are copying the letter to the partner in charge of complaints at their firm (you can find out who this is by phoning up) to ask if it is usual practice for their firm to send letters of this nature (which contain the implied threat that his harassment of you will continue and will only stop if you take a course of action which you are in NO way required by law to take) to parties that they know not to have legal representation. I would query whether such an approach is ethical, and it certainly seems to be at odds with the obligations outlined in the 4th section of the 15th version of the SRA code of conduct, in particular Chapter 11, Outcome 11.1 and Indicative Behaviour 11.7.

His lawyer will know that their letter has as much legal gravitas as a chip poke, but if you respond calling into question their ethics in sending such a letter, then you might find they decide it's not worth the hassle to act for him any more.

Ooohhh, CityMole... Much respeck to you.

Thank you citymole, that's really helpful info, it was my feeling they were going against some sort of code. I will post in legal too

Fantastic, yes I bet they think he is, or he will have manipulated them too. The police can't prosecute for emotional abuse they said, just assault and harassment

Salvage - thank you, I am full of absolute contempt for him, and pure anger of what I have had to do to protect my child, prevent it happening to the unborn child, and all as a result of who he is...

I thought the law has changed and emotional abuse and coercive control was illegal now.
I would def look into this. Lots in the news after the Helen rob story on the archers

Coercive control is definitely illegal now, and his behaviour so far definitely comes under that. However, the police can take a while to catch up on such things, so you will need to push it. Think of it as doing a favour to the next victim of this type of thing who maybe isnt as strong as you.

might it be better to go to the Police in the week than the w/e ? just a thought.

That letter from the solicitor is ridiculous, and they themselves must know that. It's a long trip for you to the police, so maybe it would be easier to do it during the week by phone - finding a different officer if you can - and maybe post the stuff?