please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

I feel so awful writing this but do you really want to be tied to this man for the rest of you life?

I would personally struggle to have a termination but I would actually be worried at the future with him on the scene and the stress/hell he could bring into your and your DC lives [sad

Random that's exactly the struggle I am having. Stage one was ending the relationship, and now I have to get some headspace to make the decision.
Never ever thought I would contemplate it

Nobody ever thinks they will contemplate it but none of us really know what we would do until in that situation.

I can understand why you would consider it.

Stage one you've completed.
Now only you can decide once your head is a little clearer,

I wouldn't see him to give his stuff back. You owe him nothing, zero. Can your friend drop his stuff off, or can it be left somewhere in a skip?

Horrible situation. Well done for having the determination to end the relationship. I'd send his belongings via a third party so you don't have to talk to him. Personally I wouldn't continue the pregnancy in these circumstances. You've explained how he makes you feel when yelling - that's just going to continue if he pushes for 50/50 contact. Might be best to cut your losses and focus on having a happy and safe family with your daughter. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

He sounds like a complete and utter wanker.
Please sever all contact with this drama queen and ask yourself what you want to happen regarding your pregnancy
He won't be a "parent" in any shape or form, so count him out.
What you decide to do now is your call..

I'm not pro abortion as a form of contraceptive; but if I were you I'd consider this an option if I really didn't want a child.
I'm speaking as someone who has had 4 miscarriages, one an ectopic pregnancy.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. He is a total nightmare. I can see lots of unhappy times for any child of his who doesn't live up to his expectations and also he is clearly emotionally abusive. I'm sorry but I too would have a termination in these circumstances. He wouldn't need to know anything except you are no longer pregnant.

I'm very pro choice.

But I wouldn't necessarily consider an abortion soley based on his character. There are possible ways around him. Tell him to stop contacting you. If he does then report him to the police every single time. Get him done for harassment, eventually obtain a restraining order.

When the child is born you can withhold contact, if he attempts to contact you or comes to your property then call the police. They will arrest him, especially if the restraining order is in place. If he takes you to court (which he may not) then you could petition for supervised contact in a centre.

I would advise against basing a decision to abort soley on the actions of another person without first considering if there are ways to remove said person or his behaviour.

I can ask a friend to take the stuff back.
I'm scared of either situation, the turning up, and restraining orders and Police etc sounds so stressful but I do see your point that things can be put into place.

The impact on the child not meeting his expectations and neediness really resonated, how awful for the child.

I don't think he'd accept the baby was gone, I'm frightened what he would do.

Will go to Marie stopes or the other one and explore options, I'm so torn I've felt every bit of the pregnancy so far, have massive boobs, little bump growing.

I can ask a friend to take the stuff back.
I'm scared of either situation, the turning up, and restraining orders and Police etc sounds so stressful but I do see your point that things can be put into place.

The impact on the child not meeting his expectations and neediness really resonated, how awful for the child.

I don't think he'd accept the baby was gone, I'm frightened what he would do.

Will go to Marie stopes or the other one and explore options, I'm so torn I've felt every bit of the pregnancy so far, have massive boobs, little bump growing.

I think the advice to get rid of him, and get a bit of space before you decide is spot on. Can you take a weeks holiday, with or without your dd? You obviously would like another child and I'm sure you'd be a great mum so you can't make a knee jerk decision reacting to him, that you might regret more. I know I sound pro keeping the baby, but you sound happy about a baby and id be afraid of the regrets :(

I'd be afraid of him looming over you for the rest of your (and your DC) lives. It would be so difficult to hand your child over to a man like this, but there's a risk that's exactly what you could be forced to do for contact.

Also, I do think your existing DD must take priority as the stress of him being around could really affect her quality of life too.

Horrible dilemma for you OP

Ugh awful morning already. Started by saying I was nasty on the phone all yesterday regarding our parenting together. (I wasn't, I said I'd always do what's best for the child, and have told him before I believe the child should have a relationship with both parents)
So he says if I'm always going to be nasty and don't really mean that he can hVe the child whenever he wants then he thinks we should consider an abortion as I've just ruined the child's life by ending the relationship. Also that these are my choices And to bear in mind that when the child is old enough he will answer its questions. 'If we are not together we will not be able to give this child the absolute best start.'
Thee times I've told him to leave me alone this morning but still persists. Says we have to have a discussion. Says that if I have the baby he wants to understand how I am going to make sure he is a constant in its life.
Doesn't accept my reasons for ending the relationship, I've ruined something that could have been been amazing, ruined it for my DD, and the baby and him, he says he was bad one night but the problem was me giving him months of shit. And if I had just said sorry that first time there wounding be. A problem and that I am bonkers.

I told him it's his behavior , he is bullying and controlling, he said be very fucking careful saying words like that as that's never been him and he has every single text message between us ?!

I'm never ever going to be rid of him am I

I'm so sorry but no you aren't going to be free of him, as long as there is a child between you. But well done for being clear that you don't want a relationship with him - at least now you can get a clear idea of what 'not being in a relationship with him' is like, i.e. constant harassment.

As for posters saying that you can withhold contact - if you do that he will take you to court, and if he can prove that you have withheld contact he may well get custody. You would need to prove very high levels of violence against the child by him, before the courts would withhold contact. Pretty much anything else would be your word against his. I've picked this up from reading other threads in here about courts continuing to grant contact to extremely abusive parents. It's horrifying. Imagine how you would feel sending your baby / toddler / child unaccompanied to him, every week, forever. He will not be a good father because he cannot tell what normal behaviour is. He will destroy your child.

Hadn't finished... Just to say you have my sympathy so much, it is so clear you want a child and want to continue with this pregnancy, and I totally understand that. But I would frame it as the guilt about terminating the pregnancy, vs the guilt of failing to do what you can to prevent a child being born into abuse. Plus you have your current daughter to consider.

This may sound terribly crass, but you can have another baby.

"Its never been him" - oooohhhh! Sorry, but I have to chortle there. Does he mean all his previous relationships have broken down?

Has he ever told you about his previous relationships? Even allowing for a huge dollop of his crazies putting a humongous bias on things, you'll be able to glean a bit of useful information.

As to never getting rid, of course you can but you must be strong. Send one more message to the effect that you have now split up, there will ne no child to discuss, and he is not to contact you again, that if he does so, ypi will be in touch with the police.

Honestly, the very best thing that can happen for this man, and every woman he ever again meets, is for him to get a visit from the police to set him straight. Guys like this never believe it coming from mere girlies.

OP I really think it's time to involve the police. Block him from your phone / social media and do not engage or show any signs of weakness to him. His sounds like his behaviour is only going to get worse.

Absolutely. Notice how nothing is ever his fault, and everything is yours? Crazy.

I do think that if you continue the pregnancy you could well have this man in your life for ever. It would be very very stressful.

Op so sorry you are in this dreadful situation.
No, i don't think you will every be rid of him if you have a child with him.

Awful predicament, but you do have options. Just wanted to Reiterate that it is absolutely ok to terminate the pregnancy if that is what you choose to do.

Having this man in your life for just a few months is bad enough. It will only get worse. And unless you can legally and or physically distance yourself for him, at some point you may find yourself having to hand your child over to him for weekends/holidays etc. It's an ongoing nightmare.

He wouldn't talk about previous relationships, and hated me mentioning my exes. The only thing I gleaned was that they were max 3 months, and the women were crazy, and I do remember him saying one had taken advantage of him money wise/taken the piss out of him and didn't appreciate him, which obviously rings bells and is starting to make sense now.
I'm scared re the courts, he says he 'stepped up' he minute I got pregnant and has only have been nice to me and supported me. He got me a car which I didn't ask for or want and I made that clear. I worry that he is going to be able to twist things to a court re all these material things as evidence of how supportive he has been ( and say I am mental) despite all of the horrendous episodes.
he tells me in the past he always gets what he wants and will do whatever it takes including lying and not to take him on.
His last message switched to nice again, telling me this is all silly and he will see me at the hospital on Tuesday for the scan, and to hVe a nice day. I have, for the fifth time, told him to leave me alone.

If he's asking you to abort could you say you have decided it's for the best, and then see if he leaves you alone. Maybe you could cut contact then and have the baby anyway? If that's what you want to do).

I would call the hospital and reschedule the scan.

You will certainly never be free on him if you have a child together.

If his is like this with you, what will he be like with a Child?

As the previous posted said nothing is his fault, everything he says in your fault. He wants to guilt trip you and destroy any self esteem you have left.