please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

I'm ok, tired but ok, KOKO is the mantra.

Thank you for thinking of me. I have support from my mum and lovely housemate fortunately, and the very kind people that have responded on here. Never thought I would be posting something like this and I get quite overwhelmed with the support and kind responses given

How are you doing today buzz?

Still veering from one decision to the other, mainly because I have had a period of peace and calm away from him so I keep thinking well maybe I could go ahead. But the reality is beyond baby phase when he will be in our lives always and for every single thing we do, and I keep thinking of an older child coping with him as the Father and I know it's not fair on the child because he will be incapable of operating beyond his own needs.
He has texted today because the scan was originally today, to say he hopes it goes well which of course makes me feel guilty, and is no doubt to a) see if I will change my mind and b) demonstrate he is trying to be involved
I'm supposed to have the rearranged scan tomorrow...
Marie stopes is ten working days and that will be too long for me to go ahead, Bpas consultation is Saturday then they said a few days after but unsure due to bank holiday.

F O G. His interest, involvement or concern whatever , is so he gets what he wants, which is for you to have the baby, him to be involved, & you both to be caught in his web.

You've been incredibly strong, buzzpop.

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work, and I'm sure that you're right that if you have the baby you will never be free of him. Like you, I was brought up Catholic and could not ever believe that I would consider abortion myself, but was Pro Choice for everyone else. Nevertheless, I do think that having this man tied to you for 20+ years, and always tied to your child, is a terrible fate, and I believe that if were in your situation I would do whatever was needful to rid him from my and my dd's lives.

I haven't read the whole thing but really feel for you OP.

What an awful decision.

But as someone up thread said if you feel strongly you would like another child and possibly could do it alone then a sperm donor , or you could still meet someone , at 38 you do still have time.

I would be very concerned about how you would manage his behaviour and expectations especially in the first years....if you breast fed the baby how on earth would access work ? you would have to have him at your house .....and then insiduous control would start etc etc.

are you an Archers fan ??? your story resonates with the current story line there of a couple with a slow build to abusive controlling man , who wanted the female character pregnant asap...and then has been getting worse and worse....its really hard to listen to , dont be that woman.

Mix56, not just op and the baby caught in his web, op's teenage dd too.

Sorry for all the drama, OP. In your shoes, I'd end the pregnancy. I've spent 6 years in and out of court with a controlling ex who wanted complete possession of our child. In reality, the likelihood is that you would only be able to limit contact between him and the child at the point where your child has already demonstrably been harmed.

Obviously I'd never wish my dd away - light of my life and all that. But she has suffered a lot more than a hypothetical child I might have had using donated sperm.

op, please report that he is contacting you despite the nonmol order, and let the clinic/hospital know about the order-send them a copy. he sounds VERY tricky and i doubt he will stop until taken to court.

It's a very tough choice to make. I don't know if you've said how old you are, but you know you can always have more children with someone who'd be in your life because you want them to be. To be involved in a happy way rather than fighting all the time

This man has no rights over you at the moment, you could choose to move wherever you want at the moment. But as soon as you have his baby he has a say in whether you can move abroad or even go on a long holiday.

I've been divorced for 11 years and my ex is still a massive thorn in my side op. It's relentless and soul destroying

Christ on a bike. He's horrific!
I have nothing to add except to say you are doing really well and KOKO.

Boaty, Yes, you are right

KOKO

This man has no rights over you at the moment, you could choose to move wherever you want at the moment. But as soon as you have his baby he has a say in whether you can move abroad or even go on a long holiday.

^^This word for word xx

How are you buzz?

I've been thinking about you too Buzz

Is it just me hoping that karma takes him out somehow? Just so horrible to have him lurking around for so long. Read the whole thread and feel scared for you op. It's so hard because you clearly want this baby.

If I were you I think I would move up close to my family - Yorkshire you said? go there (unless he knows exactly where your family live), in which case start anew somewhere else. I would. I would tell him the baby died, cut all contact and then I would leave and never come back. I know your dd is in collage but needs must. But what do I know? I am just sat here feeling for you. I hope it all works out for you. Whatever happens it's a hard road ahead - you are very brave. x

Thank you for thinking of me. It's been a tough time. I don't want to say more about what's happening re the pregnancy because I fear he might see this.

I found tracking device searches on his internet history before I sent him his computer back, also found regular teen porn searches, and searches for family and friends.

The police say rather than the harassment warning, they want to arrest him on three counts. But they haven't done this yet, this makes me wonder about his previous history but they haven't told me anything, I will ask this week.
He is still contacting me via email, saying he doesn't understand why I am angry with him, that he just wants to be a part of things, he's sorry for how I am feeling etc, but I can't see them now.

At my lowest this weekend, and when I doubted myself and was in such turmoil, I read this thread a few times and it reassured me of the reality of what has happened, every one of your posts helped. Thank you so so much

Oh buzz what a disgusting man! Hope you and your dd are ok. There will always be support here on mn for you!

That's really worrying re the internet searches and what the police might have on him. Make sure you keep yourself safe. Do you have family and friends around you?

Can you block his emails? This is still contact and puts you back within punching distance where he can hurt, control, abuse, confuse and sabotage you. Or divert all emails to a folder which you dont read but could be of interest to police.

You have been really strong. This is a hideous situation. You have done everything right to protect yourself and your DD. She does not need her mother to be distraught and distracted by this any longer for her own sake and yours.

Keep focused and calm. You will come out of this soon. Take care.x

Buzz, I too have been wondering if you have axed this man from your life.
remember you only met him, & 2 short months later he was this this invasive.
Just block his email. you are not obliged to speak to him on any level.
The police spoke about arresting him on 3 counts, added to the teen porn thing frightens me for your daughter, how old is she ?
this would ultimately be the tipping point for me if he has had paedophile history.

Hi buzz, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you've had lots of good advice but wanted to share my experience too. My ex was extremely controlling too when we were together, I couldn't do anything on my own. When we split he immediately took me to court, he now uses the children to control me still as much as possible as we have to share residency. I have no documented record of abuse so I don't know how that would affect a judges decision but unless he can be proven abusive to the children I doubt the judge will restrict access. The judges I've seen have no interest in arguments or the terrible things he says to me, he still gets access to the children. We were 'told off' by the judge for the terrible atmosphere between the two of us and how bad it must be for the children but I cannot be friends with this man, he had and continues to make my life as difficult as possible
I always hoped he'd lose interest and just disappear. Not a chance. He is obsessed, frequently emails abuse, how one day the children will realise what I'm really like. How I'm a terrible parent. It's exhausting and I'm counting the years until the children are independent. In about 10 years I'll be celebrating not having to be in contact with that dickhead! But 10 years is a long time , and he'll never truly disappear.

OP, with your last post things seem to be taking an even more sinister turn. I hope you and your daughter are safe. I am sure you have done this already, but I would encourage you to mention what you found on his computer to the police. Continue trusting your instincts about this man - they have served you well so far. Good luck.

as you have a teenage dd , you must be very worried about his teenage porn searches. Men who pursue single mothers are sometimes really after their dcc. Please keep in touch with the police and take what they say seriously. Have you decided what to do about your pregnancy?