please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

Urgh, urgh, urgh yes he very much wants to be part of your dds life doesn't he

Thinking of you

Hi, yes I know what's happening re the pregnancy.
Emails and messages are blocked now, still waiting for the police to get back in touch, will ring them again tomorrow
DD is 16, I never got any instinct that was his interest but who knows. He is out of our life as best as I can for the moment though and that is the main thing, I just wish the police would sort out what they are doing.
I have a friend I live with, and while I am pregnant I doubt he will do anything to harm me, although it didn't bother him stressing me out and shouting at me while pregnant I suppose.
Thank you for sharing your experience, that can't be easy, it really does help

If you decide to go ahead with the pg, fgs don't put his name on the birth certificate.

Do your family and friends all know not to reply to him if he contacts them, not even to say "yes, pg is going fine", or "or, she seems to have settled down OK up there", as that tells him more than he needs to know, or rather, more than it is safe for him to know. It is easy to let slip something apparently uncontentious which comes back to bite you with a man like this. So, you need to make absolutely that everyone is aware that they must not under any circumstances respond to anything he says.

buzzpop you were very lucky - and very astute - to realise he wasn't quite right so early. It would have been so much worse in 6 months, a year down the line..

Just in case you haven't already, make sure your dd knows to beware of him too, she needs to be prepared in case he approaches her in the street or something.

I wish you peace, OP. What an awful situation for your DD and yourself.

Could you move? Even if just within the area you are in, if you cannot go further. It seems to me that it if he can't find you, he cannot force the issue of putting his name on the birth cert.

Today I told him that I am no longer pregnant. Of course his first response was not to ask how I am, but to say that he didn't believe me. If I don't prove it to him then he will not believe me, and he will not be able to leave this.

He then sends more messages, culminating with 'if you do not tell me the truth or send me proof, I will persist in finding out whether you are pregnant or not, be that contacting friends, family or work colleagues. I will then pursue you through the courts and I have a clear paper trail that states I have always tried to care and support you'

Which of course of is evidence that he has already had legal advice, and all the messages asking me to let him see the scan had weird stuff in about him supporting me, not in his usual language.

Rang the police again, they came took another statement, said they would let me know what happens, and they will likely arrest him, that's what they said last time. All I want is for him to stop harassing me and to move on.

I'm expecting a solicitor letter, can he make me give him proof? I know if he turns up I can ring 999

No he can't demand proof of pregnancy. Cease contact with him after telling him that any further communication from him will be forwarded onto the police as he is now harassing you and it must stop.

Ignore any letters and calls that he makes but if you feel threatened then take them to your local police station.

Thinking of you Buzz...so very sorry you have had to deal with this vile man....BUT at least you have got away from him...and got your DD away from him.

Do not be cowed or influenced by his empty threats, he is a bully, but you are much cleverer.....stay calm and strong and take all the good advice here and from your solicitor and the police.

At some point it will be in the past....unmumsnetty hugs

I hope they do arrest him. However I truly believe if he has the money he will pursue you or even send a private detective, (just taking a photo of you in time, will more or less show if you have a bump or not)
I would say if you have interrupted the pregnancy, prove it, & be rid of this monster.
if its a bluff, he is not going to stay arrested for long.

Mix I think the OP was bluffing about the pregnancy having ended.

Up thread, lots of people advised the op to leave him off the birth certificate. But isn't it the case that he can still prove his paternity and then apply to the courts for parental responsibility? I have a horrible feeling if he has already sought legal advice then he isn't the type to drop it and lose interest, he has every intention of being involved with the child.

Could you contact WA?

I would also stop contacting him (I understand why you did from your previous post), as I think it gives him carte Blanche to harass/bully and abuse you.

The man sounds unhinged and you need to tell friends/relatives/colleagues this and that if approached they are not to discuss you at all.

Please log everything, keep contacting the police and block, block, block him. No more emails etc.

I do however agree with mix....he is that obsessed he put tracking devices on devices to monitor you what exactly is stopping him hiring a private detective?

Sorry if I wasn't clear, the pregnancy has ended. I am not bluffing to keep it, though clearly that is what he thinks, as it was his first response to assume I was lying and to threaten and bully as a result.

I do now want him to know how it ended, via miscarriage or termination as it puts me at more risk.

The latest incident has been logged with Police who said they will arrest him, and I've contacted friends, family and work to not respond to him or anyone else if he contacts them about my whereabouts etc, which was v embarrassing actually and its worried people which I am so cross about.

Yes I agree re private detectives etc, he will go to whatever length but time will tell when I obviously don't have a bump :(

I am expecting some sort of legal letter through imminently asking me to prove I am no longer pregnant.

I just want him to leave me alone, and for this nightmare to be over

I've left a few messages with womens aid and no one has rung me back, I'm going to ring a local one today

for you buzz

Keep calling them and even if he pays for a solicter to write you a letter, you don't by law have to respond to it. I would log that with the police too as further evidence of his harassment.

Could you not get a molestation order or something?

buzz, I'm very sorry that you ended the pregnancy, I realise what a hard choice it was for you. but as he continues to show, he is clearly unhinged.
The other thing that is worrisome, is that he presumably knows where you DD is at school/college he can have her followed after class to discover your address (if you move.)
apparently it easier to contact WA in the evening/night

Just read this thread through. OP I want to offer my support in what must have been an excruciating decision.

SO sorry for your situation. However, this man can now be absolutely blocked from every area of your life and (hopefully) sent to prison fairly quickly. He has lost, he has failed, and he can never have any power over you again.
Very best wishes.

Absolutely. This nightmare will be over. He has no claim to anything from you. He is unhinged and you need to let the people whose job it is to deal with harassment do their thing. I have no doubt all his 'crazy' exes could swap a tale or two.

I am so sorry you have had such a terrible time. You have been most unfortunate to have crossed his path.

You have done everything perfectly. You have sought advice, taken advice, taken very difficult decisions and actions.

It will all be over now but you have been emotionally, physically, mentally, hormonally traumatised - this is exhausting - please rest and take care of yourself - it will take time for you to get back on a even keel - but you will get there soon.

He appears to be a very dangerous man - mentally if not physically.

Keep close to the police - looks like he has history - I would take dice from WA or the police as to whether you need to or it would be best to prove anything to him - I suspect not - but I can see your desperation to shake him off.

Good luck. Take care.

I will then pursue you through the courts and I have a clear paper trail that states I have always tried to care and support you

Sounds chilling until you just flip it in your head to "I'm giving you and the police a lovely paper trail of my harassment and stalking". Which he is.

By all means, gird thyself and stay on high alert for the foreseeable, and deffo do NOT engage!

And do contact the police Every Single Time. Especially if he threatens, but even if be just does what he's not allowed to do, i.e. contact you.

But he's digging his own grave very efficiently - leave him to that. Every stupid message he sends, every time he breaks the non-mol order (has this been put in place yet?), you win. Think of it that way.

Huge hugs

I got pregnant in my twenties (failed morning after pill after condom split) and desperately wanted the child as I had lost my dad a few years previously and felt it would fill the hole my dad had left. The father was so unreliable and although not abusive, so totally selfish and self absorbed. At one point he asked when I had booked the termination for as he wanted to go on holiday with his brother so could i please hurry up and let him know! He then cried when I finally had the termination. I had counselling at Marie Stoppes and the thing that made my mind up was when they said, what kind of father do you want your child to have? Would this relationship be anything like the one you had with your father and would you want this man as your father? I terminated even though it was not what I really wanted. I just couldn't stop thinking about how amazing my dad was and how any child I had deserved a similar man as their father, not some selfish, vain idiot. I am still in contact with the guy through social media and he is still self obsessed, vain and on his own aged 42. So sorry you are in this horrific situation. Life can change in a heartbeat from bad to good so whatever decision you make, I hope the change to good comes very soon for you.

So sorry Buzz I had only read page 1 of posts when i posted. All thoughts with you and hope this awful person allows you to get on with your life. You are very brave.

So sorry, OP. He left you absolutely no alternative, the bastard.