please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

When does she finish?

If it were me and I really want to keep it, I would. I wouldn't let him 'win'. I would probably do something fucked up like knock myself out and call police and blame him a few times while pregnant so it's logged as violent so he would only get supervised access.
Or I would move and not tell him, just disappear.

It is possible to make contact so difficult for an abusive man that he fucks off. Particularly if OP states paternity is in doubt and has a record of his abusive, criminal behaviour. There are all sorts of delaying tactics and obstructions that can be put in his way.
And this one sounds like an uncontrollable cock anyway, rather than the smooth, wealthy, pillar-of-the-community type. He may well give up and move on to another victim fairly quickly. Or he may behave so outrageously that he gets sent to prison.

Jeez.

He would be very unlikely to get supervised access. It would be great if we lived in a world where violent men didn't have unsupervised access to their children but we don't. I don't get the impression that many people here realise how high the bar is for contact centres etc to be involved. It's very high.

The police aren't stupid. They won't fall for fabricated evidence of dv and if you disappear and he chooses to try to get access they will find you. Either of those courses of action would, of course, make it much more likely that op loses custody/access rights.

I get that this is emotive for people and doesn't seem fair. But it's not responsible to make badly thought put suggestions based on very little knowledge of how access/contact works. It doesn't help op AT ALL.

Dispute paternity. Yes, good plan. He won't be able to prove that at all.

Oh, wait, hang on...

Adoption is really not a good option. Apart from the fact that you actually want this baby, he is very likely to be asked if he wants to be assessed to care for the baby or if he has family who could care for it.

I can understand why posters are advising to dispute paternity. The longer and more complicated the process, the more it's going to cost him to take the op through the courts. I don't agree with the pp that suggested fabricating violence, but adding in an extra step in the process might not hurt.

Op how well off is he? It is really quite expensive to take someone to court and it would be him having to pay for it.

When I was in a child custody situation involving emotional abuse, women's aid told me to sever contact and let him do the chasing. They told me often it's enough to make them drop it as they don't want to pay out. Usually the threats are just a way to keep control, but when it actually comes to paying thousands of pounds they just don't care enough.

Op what do you see him doing when faced with the choice of backing off and leaving you alone, or paying thousands to fight for access?

The way he has been saying it, he would pay whatever through the courts to 'win' if that makes sense, says don't take me on, I will win every time. I will take you to court and you will lose.
He has lots of money and I have very little, and he is flash/wanky with it, so would pay for top lawyers
My only hope that his neediness and emotional instability, and his desperate ness to have immediate resolution to how he is feeling will get the better of him and might mean he won't be able to see it through it the long term unless he gets another woman in the meantime

There's a big difference though between disengaging and actively blocking which is what some pp are advising. Courts can take a very dim view of the latter.

And yes - Ss would be very keen to place a relinquished child with family on either side and would explore every available option there before even thinking about stranger adoption.

Hi OP. I hope you are feeling ok this evening. I had a baby with a man who isn't even half as bad as your partner sounds, and honestly, it has been very difficult. I absolutely adore my son, but given the choice I would not do it all over again. I can't begin to describe the impact it has had on my mental health.

Of course the choice about terminating the pregnancy is entirely yours to make, but I would advise you to think long and hard about the future. This man has already shown you what he is like and the baby is not even here yet. I imagine arranging contact with him in the future will be very difficult and costly if the courts are involved. He will emotionally abuse you to get what he wants, and perhaps your child too.

I don't want to scare you, but I would advise you to think very carefully about the long term, and what your life will be like with this man hanging around.

Good luck OP and please feel free to direct message me if you wish.

Op, I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I would be running a mile from him - he sounds absolutely horrible and scary, to me. No way would I want anything that connected me to someone like that.

I would have a termination if this were me, for those reasons alone, and also because your DD will need your time and attention alot over the next few years. And, although this sounds rather superficial and selfish but I don't mean it like that, I'm trying to look at the longer view - also because if you go through with the pregnancy you are making it more difficult to be in a space where you could find another partner, and have the family/baby you want.

But you'll make the decision that is right for you, and everyone here I'm sure, will respect and support you with that as best they can on MN. Best of luck (Marie Stopes were superb when I saw them)

Unless you see him getting his shit together and being a good co-parent and good father, having him in the future child's life is unlikely to be good.

This instability he shows with you now, can you imagine every parenting decision that you have to make and involving him in it? Can you imagine the eggshells the future child would need to walk on? Imagine the court hearings, letters, calls, texts.?

Let's assume none of that happens and instead you just have supervised access, the future child still has this person as their parent.

Alternatively you either abort or "lose" the baby (the stress of the situation etc) and I don't anticipate that going well either. I anticipate you'll need a restraining Order against him anyway because he'll accuse you of lying (even if you aren't), and he'll find ways to blame you.

You've known this man less than 5 months and he's already making life extremely difficult. If you do have an abortion, I would suggest you just tell him you lost the baby. He's not entitled to any of your medical records, so he won't be able to ask anyone for the truth.

I'm sorry OP, all the best

I think this is a control freak sounding pretty desperate! He's losing so he will get out the big artillery. Call his bluff

The law is the law, and no amount of money can give him rights he just doesn't have.

You and him have responsibility for any child.
The child has rights, including contact unless the parent is harmful.
But this is limited for small babies, especially breast fed ones.

His story long term will be how you "used him to get a baby and sponge off him".

In future, anyone who describes their exs as crazy, is showing big red flags.

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like a complete nightmare. I am sure you are going through hell with this.

Just my two pennorth... you talk of him wanting to "win" I knew someone like this a long time ago, even reading about your Ex sends shivers down my spine all this time later. I'm sorry to say that if he is of that mindset, he will never ever give up. Going quietly doesn't exist for people like this. It will become a personal battle for him that his whole life will hinge on. He is the sort who would rather spend his last penny on a court case than lose. "Winning" will be the reason he lives, to lose would mean he is less of a man, less clever, less capable so it is just not an option. I imagine his insecurity is huge which means he will never give up because to do so will destroy him.

Now, if the baby wasn't around, he will be "losing" you, but he will have no hold on you and persistent contact with you will result in police action.

I'm sorry, I'm not helping here and never have I urged someone to think about a termination. Until now. Take the advice of Marie Stopes on board, I do hope they can help. Also your DD being 16 means she really really needs you at this time of life. 16 is a funny age, not an adult but verging on it and needing all of Mum to support that journey into adulthood.

I'm sorry if I've said the wrong thing but couldn't help but post. OP.

I can't believe someone suggested pretending he'd hit you (well, said she might do something that fucked-up, so not exactly advocating it). When it's proved to be untrue, that's your credibility with the police and SS shot for all time! Don't we all remember the story of the boy who cried wolf? I realise people will do anything if they are desperate enough and I'm sorry for anyone who feels they have no other choice, but really, don't do that.

It seems unlikely that this is a man who is longing to become a father as such. It presents as Grade A control freakery. Along with his stuff I'd advise giving back everything he gave you as far as possible - he gave you a car, you said? You don't want him to feel you're beholden to him to that extent (unless it's a very old, cheap banger, and he doesn't sound like an old-banger-giver from what you've said). Get him and his stuff out of your life ASAP. Pity you can't give him back his sperm. Like a pp I am wondering whether this pregnancy was quite as accidental as you thought it was

Agree Annie. In circumstances like this, you just have to be whiter than white. If he finds out you've lied or made stuff up, he will make things even worse. And yes agree on the car - give it back now, or sell it and give him the money. You have to make it that your break from him is complete and he has no comeback.

Thinking of you, dont make him force you into a termination if that isn't what you want. Take time to think of what is best for you xx

Quite. Anyway, OP doesn't need to fabricate anything. The harassment and threats are quite enough to get a non-mol order, and to get the police very interested indeed.

In fact, you never know, OP: if you get the police involved, you might even be the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle of him having done this to others. Somebody this spittle-flecked, darty-eyed control-freaky didn't just grow out of the dust overnight. And you sure as feck didnt causrme it with your innate badness he accuses you of. He's had practice. He's been doing this, or something very like this, for a while now.

Please stop him, as best you can. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for all womanhood. In particular, do it for DD. Consider what having him in her life, even for this short time, must have done to her image of what grown up relationships are like, especially at this impressionable age! But all the badness that it was can be a brilliant, uplifting success story. You stood up to an abusive bully and won! Not gavevin or slilunk away, hoping he won't harass you further.

Sometimes the greatest strength and wisdom is knowing you can't do it alone, and this needs to be modelled too.

Please, call the police.

I don't know if this has been said but if you don't put his name on the birth certificate it's not just as simple as for him to do dna to get his name put on for parental rights. He would have to pertition the courts to have it put on then not only get dna tested but he would have to prove he's capable of parental responsibility.

the other thing, in my rational mind, is that when you first fell pregnant, & he came out with the full artillery, in the mix, when deciding to keep the baby was the hope of a stable life , & family unit, & presumably financial stability as he makes pots.
These factors have now changed thank God but you will now have to bring up the baby on your own and so, how do you envisage this ?

How are you today op?

Do not agree to be friends with him. By all means keep it as civil as possible but you are not his friend - and he is certainly not yours.

I would suggest never seeing him alone or in a private house. If he has to have stuff returned ask someone else if they can do that for you. Although your friends need to be prepared that he may turn on them if he can't get to you. Alternatively meet him in a (very) public place.
He is manipulative, bullying and abusive. He sounds a lot like my ex, who acted as if, once I was pregnant, he owned me and could dictate where I went and with whom.
I did have the baby, she is now in her 20s. I had a year or two of hassle but had an okay relationship with his mother and sister so they were the go-betweens for access. Once he realised he didn't have any control over me however he didn't show much interest in my dd. Despite his mum helping out with childcare twice a week while I worked, he probably saw her about once a month or less. He sees her a few times a year now, despite living less than 10 minutes away by car.

"we need to..." "we should consider...", no, there is no "we" now, theres only I want to and I want you to. He doesnt get to speak for you or to decide how things are, and tough if he doesnt like that.

My dear friend had two DC with an abusive, narcissistic control freak.

The short story is that she wishes she had got the police involved earlier than she did, and got even the (seemingly at the time) smallest thing logged.

Her 12 yo still wets the bed and has had counselling for threatening suicide. This is the tip of the story. The father in this case is at the extreme end of head fuckery and controlling behaviour, but so much of what your ex is saying has echoes for me. Very similar outlook.

Please take it very seriously (as I'm sure you do).

Midwife referred me to dv worker, who suggested an emergency non molestation order, did statement this afternoon in and amongst work and will see solicitor and be in court early next week. I do not like the thought of having to face him in court when he appeals it, but I feel more protected in the short term regardless of what happens.
Have changed scan appointments and asked hospital to put a note on my records as he has obtained information before.
He has sent an email to my work address this morning, which is remarkable in its turnaround...he's had a chance to reflect on the happenings of the last few days and realises that saying he would involve lawyer is too much says he was in turmoil and heartbroken and he sorry those feelings manifested as they did. Accepts and respects my decision to end the relationship, really wants to be a massive part of this child's life and scared will miss out on opportunity to bond with him/her, would mean a lot to him to be at the scan but respects it's my decision and that forcing himself on the situation isn't going to help. Will now respect my space, he's there for me if I need it and will await my contact.
It is likely a different personality! And my gut instinct is that he has got legal advice this morning and been advised to proceed in this way.

Thank you for your responses, I do think I need to set an example to DD that you can get help and stand up to bullying behaviour, and taking a positive stand is the best I can make of a really shitty situation. But, I've been through worse and all I've been thinking today when I've been exhausted is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger