please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

However, he will keep going ad infinitum if you reply, talk to him, answer. If total radio silence, on all fronts, you have a good chance of him running out of oxygen.

I will ignore, he is now ringing and messaging insisting I ring him re returning the things.

I really hope he runs out of steam

" Belongings will be dropped at your house, on X day at X time, " then turn your phone OFF

He realised I wouldn't speak with him, said he will be there at the scan and at every step, said the kiddie will work out its all me. Threatened me if I stop him being at scan he will inform his lawyers, take me to court and I will lose if I'm not a good parent and respect him. Went from be very clear, I love you and you've told me where to go, and threatening me, saying it is all my decision, later on says to be very clear, you get in the way of me and my child, I really wanted to I've but you leave me no choice...
Apparently I'm the one that's ruined this, and personality will play through and he'll be the best support the baby can have.
Final remark before I blocked was he will be there on Tuesday and the child is his.

thank you to the posters who gave their experiences. I have now blocked, I see the behaviour is all to get a reaction and isn't true, and is horrible. And I'm so glad I logged with police in case he turns up.

Don't respond.
Ignore ignore ignore

Please do inform your midwife and try change hospital or appointment. He has no rights to go to any of your medical appointments. If you can't change the appointment I would ring ahead so that security can b informed.

Good luck with your decision. It will be bloody hard no matter what path you take. I've said what I would do up post. Remember your DD and think of the effect he could have on her!

Change the appointment. If he turns up and makes a scene then you'll have a record of that. The stuff he's saying is a script by the way. My ex used to say exactly the same.

Yes yes change the appointment. You do not want this man knowing where you will be and when. He will use it as an opportunity to try and regain control in an environment where you will be less inclined to make a scene.

Op you are doing so very well. You strong amazing woman you!

Agree. Change the appointment - they will understand. He cannot legally enforce being at the scan - trust me my ex tried!!

Completely ignore him. He is irrelevant. Block on social media, put the phone down on him if he rings, don't answer the door to him - and if he causes a disturbance or tries to force his way in, call the police immediately and have him removed.
No one can make you engage with him in any way. He has no rights at all over you or your pregnancy - hospital staff will physically remove him from the premises if he tries to get in to scan appointments or the labour ward. If you go ahead with the pregancy, leave his name off the birth certificate. If you have a record trail of harassment and restraining orders, it will not be that difficult to block his access to the child until he gives up and fucks off, but do not engage with him at all in the meantime.
He is an inadequate prick and a loser. He is not above the law or superhuman. He ispathetic.

He's a classif abuser. I wouldn't be surprised if he got you pregnant without your consent somehow.

If you continue with this pregnancy you're signing up for a lifetime of this shit and providing the baby with an abusive and emotionally harmful father. In your position I'd terminate in a heartbeat. Or go very very far away after telling him I had done so.

I don't think people should be telling the op that no-one can force her to give this man contact with the child. Courts can and do do that ALL THE TIME To claim otherwise is just stupid.

Have you changed your scan appointment yet? Because if you don't, and he turns up, you can stop him from coming in to your scan, of course, but wouldn't it be better to simply avoid the situation? The relationship is over and t isn't an amicable ending. His behaviour has caused this. His, not yours. All this talk of 'court' and lawyers is just bloody nonsense. Some bloke, who you've been dating, but don't know well, does not have a god-given right, or a legal right to go to your hospital appointments. Stop engaging with him now. There's no need. In fact, there is every need not to.

I just find it so profoundly depressing that a woman has to consider the termination of a wanted pregnancy because of an abusive and aggressive man. Surely that's the ultimate in control and coercion? And I agree that it's likely he will get some form or contact. But there a good chance it would be indirect or a contact centre if he continues to be aggressive towards the OP and that pushes things down the route of police and possible SS involvement.

But there a good chance it would be indirect or a contact centre if he continues to be aggressive towards the OP and that pushes things down the route of police and possible SS involvement

Not really. Courts allocate direct unsupervised contact to abusive fathers all the time, and he's never hit her has he? No evidence he's a risk to the child. Possible future emotional abuse holds weight in care proceedings but not private law for some reason.
Even if children's services get involved, they can't impose no contact, unless they have a care order. They also can't override a court contact order. They can support a parent to apply for a change to the order.
There is a very high risk that he will have plenty of unsupervised contact with this child all its life.

I think you've been amazingly brave and strong. Finishing the relationship really was the best thing (IMHO).

I really feel for you, it's a rotten position to be in and must be very difficult for you. It is your decision but it sounds like you have good support and advisers in RL. Whatever you decide, you WILL be ok.

I would advise you, however, if you continue with the pregnancy to set some very strong boundaries (even get these drawn up with a solicitor?).

I've been with somebody like the man you describe. I had a termination, even though we were in a LTR.

I often shudder at the thought that I nearly had a connection to this man for life.

I thought that I'd never be strong enough to leave the relationship and walk away from but as I got stronger and more firm, he became less so. I think if there'd been a child it would have been impossible to do so.

I really hope everything works out for you.

I'm seeing the midwife in the morning so will move the appt then.
I'm def not ready to go to that as I don't know whether to proceed or not. And certainly don't want to see him. Have counseling with Marie stopes on Saturday.
I wondered if it's a script, he's so quick to leap to lawyers and court when he doesn't get a response.
He's blocked off messaging and social media now

What vincenoir said.

I don't know if this is even an option for you but, would you consider as an alternative to having an abortion, placing your baby for adoption? There are so so many couples who are desperate to be a mummy and daddy... just throwing it out there but I wish you so much strength in going through with whichever decision you make. None of them will be easy.

The fact you are thinking about a termination says to me that you are not against them per se. I understand that you can't believe you're even contemplating it, but you are, and with very good reason indeed.

Do you really want to inflict all of this frightening and unhealthy drama and dysfunction into your and your 16-year-old DD's life? Because, if you have this abusive man's baby, your lives are going to be hell not going to be straightforward or easy.

And do you really want to inflict an innocent child with this hideous person for a father?

Yes, it is a tough decision, and nobody would want to have to make it. I hope you make the right one for you and your DD.

And when he decides not to agree to the adoption and Ss assess him as being 'good enough'?

I think it's highly unlikely this man would give permission for his child to be adopted, which he has to do.

I'm pro choice, but on a personal basis and brought up Catholic, I never thought I could do it, unless it was a rape situation. But I have DD to think of, and me and a lifetime of this terrifies me. On the other hand, I wanted a baby, but not in these circumstances and I'm angry I'm having to think this way, I just don't know

I think you need to think in small manageable chunks.

1. tell your midwife everything tomorrow
2. when you speak to the police, make sure you tell them everything- gather evidence of his behaviour and all threats
3. do not communicate with him. he has no proof that he is the father (it is sorely tempting to tell him that parentage is in doubt....) and without his name on the birth cert, he will have to apply to court for PR. Let him do that at his cost, trouble and expense. He might have got bored/ moved onto his next victim by then anyway.
4. take your time to consider what to do about the pregnancy. Lots of people are saying 'you will never be free of him' if you have the child, but to a degree that will be true even if you abort, because he will always be the person who drove you to do that (and in your opening sentence you use the expression that you were 'worried I wouldn't have another child' so it isn't exactly an unwanted pregnancy). Who knows how you'll feel about it down the line- but try to be true to yourself. Yes, courts do sometimes award contact to all sorts of 'bad' fathers, to varying degrees, but you need to ask yourself if this is enough to mean that it is not worth having the child at all. For some people, it's enough to be a dealbreaker- what about you?

FWIW I have NO idea what I'd do in your shoes. (helpful, much?)

You still have time to takes lots of advice before you decide what to do.

Further musings- do you live in a small town or a big city? Would it be easy for you to 'disappear'? Or to say you miscarried/ aborted and hope he goes away?

I live in a big city, I have family in Yorkshire. I have considered going there but DD is at college near here, we have had a dreadful few years with lots of moving and I couldn't uproot her again until she finishes college.
Thank you for your advice