please help me make sense of this

[buzzpop]

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an issue...so on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

If he won't leave you alone you can do him for harassment. This includes unwanted contact by text.

Speak to Women's Aid, they can help and advise. Whether you decide to keep the baby or not it would be wise to start taking steps to protect yourself against him, and get a paper trail that shows what he's doing.

Tangerines, yes perhaps....
I'm not sure the abort thing was just him manipulating / guilt tripping saying the baby isn't going to have the best start in life now I have ended the relationship. It's another form of control and spoilt brat behaviour because he cannot believe I have ended a relationship with him. I still do not know what he would do if I actually did it and told him

If the father is not named on the birth certificate they have fewer rights don't they? Does anyone know how that works?

He is an abusive bully! He sounds like he would do whatever he could to get his own way.
To be honest I think in your situation I would definitely consider abortion, but maybe say it was a mc otherwise he would paint you as the person who took away his chance for being a father.
Definitely report to the police and he has no right to be at any of YOUR medical appointments such as your scan. It may be worth calling and asking if it's possible to swap the time or day due to an abusive ex and that you are scared of him and what he may do.
Good luck op

Is this arsehole the kind that could be frightened off by the police? I say this because I thought my ex was terrifying and gave him a lot of power with that belief. In the end the police got involved and that scared the shit out of him. He gets a bit over excited every now and then even now and I have had to call the police twice more in the last five years but he knows I will do it and doesn't want a police record. Obviously if he doesn't care about them then it won't work but often they do and it might be worth a try.

I agree if you do terminate, tell him it was a miscarriage.

You don't owe him anything.

Also agree with NickiFury, my arsehole ex was surprisingly scared of the police. I resisted getting them involved for ages, then when they finally were I wished I'd done it much sooner.

The police are there to protect you, you need protection from this arsehole.

He has a police record already...but I think if he thought it would affect access then it might work because when I say I have ended relationship because of bullying and control he is very quick to deny and is quite nasty with it, reiterating that he has been amazing and the problem is me. He also said if I ever wanted to clarify that with anyone independent he has every message we have ever sent to each other... So I think it's something he is aware of on some level, but not actually aware that they would see all the times I have told him to stop, to leave me alone on previous occasions when I have tried to end it, asked for space and he has been hounding me.
I will ring women's aid this morning
Thank you all, you are saving my sanity

I think if the father isn't named on the birth certificate, they just have to apply to the courts to establish paternity and then for PR
I can't at the moment imagine being left alone long enough when the baby was here to get the baby registered alone

He can't come to scans/appointments/labour/delivery etc without your permission. Tell the MW and they will see to it (it worked for me anyway)
Re - I will have 50/50 blah blah blah, it's the usual bullshit.
I'd be surprised if he doesn't move on and have very little to do with any of it once he finds a new victim partner.

Get the police involved pronto then. I do think these things escalate sometimes because we don't act decisively, quickly enough. It's not our fault though it's because we are normal and struggle to comprehend and respond to their behaviour. I feel so much anger for you at the idea that you would be pushed into terminating a child that you want by his revolting bullying and aggression.

Oh and I agree with howto. The most vocal and unpleasant of bullying men often lose interest in their children once they lose control of YOU. My ex who once told me he'd slit my throat and/or run away abroad with my children if I tried to enforce a regular contact timetable instead of him dropping in as and when he felt like it, is currently on his third four week holiday of the last twelve months abroad with his "fiancée". We've had one email in that time and he'd seen them once in six weeks before that .

If you want to go ahead with your pregnancy then you should.
You will need to accepr that he will always be like this and probably worse. Do you think you will be able to manage his behaviour with police and courts assistance? Are you strong emotionally and mentally to deal with him for the next 16++++ years? He sounds like a complete asshole.

Hi buzzpop I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I just wanted to give you my own experience.
My ex P was a controlling abusive bully. It started off with mind games, gaslighting and lots of the type of stuff you are describing, it got worse and worse unil it became physical.
He desperately wanted to get me pregnant (it's control) and he finally did.

(btw he also said loads of stuff about his "crazy" exes, I have now met some of them and he was v abusive to them, he called them crazy to cover his arse when it finally came out)

He got more and more controlling and violent, and after one particular incident I just ran, with a bag full of clothes.
I made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy at 13 weeks, because I knew being tied to him by a child would have killed me eventually, and I worried what sort of life that poor kid would have had.

Here are my tips, because he carried on harrassing me and I got the police involved.

• Save all text messages/emails DO NOT COMMUNICATE BY PHONE, he can't deny what he said then.
• Everything he says to you will be an attempt to manipulate/scare you, regardless of whether it is nice or nasty. Assume the position of everything he says is bollocks.

-If you are communicating by text/email only, and he says something batshit crazy/threatening, then you have a strong case.

• DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS, this is important, because he will try and scare you with threats to your mental health/well being.

Please go to the police, he is harrassing you.

Take time out, be kind to yourself, and give yourself plenty of headspace before making a decision about the pregnancy.

Be strong.
(((hugs)))

Oh OP - what a terrible, terrible situation.

My friend had what seemed like a normal partner but after 12 months she ended it with him because she found out things about his past that she didn't like. Two weeks after breaking up she discovered she was pregnant.

The Ex then became very unstable and harassed her in the most awful ways, scared her, threatened her etc, it was awful. She reported him to the police numerous times and it eventually came out that he had two restraining orders against his previous two partners.

The baby was born 4 weeks ago and since his arrival the Ex has continued to harass and threaten my friend (including threatening to snatch the baby) and it has been absolutely awful.

He is not on the birth certificate as advised by Social Workers and the Police.

Two weeks ago, after more threatening behaviour he was eventually arrested and charged. He had been told he is not allowed any contact with the baby, most likely never will be, and he now has a restraining order against my friend too.

When she was pregnant she was so scared that she would never be free of this man but thankfully she is now - but it's been a very long and upsetting road.

Well done for ending things with this guy, that shows great strength on your part.

With regards to the termination then you have my complete sympathy for having to make that decision. Your Ex sounds even worse than my friend's Ex was.

I suppose it comes down to the question of whether you want a second child enough to justify potentially having this controlling man in your life forever?

I meant to add that it turned out he also had a police record of domestic violence towards one of his Ex's too. I imagine a lot of controlling men can turn to violence unfortunately.

Agree about not talking in the phone. These men are often so full of anger and resentment that they can't help but let you know about it and if you won't speak to them will email and message it and then you've got proof.

What a horrible situation.
Can you reschedule all your pregnancy related appointments, so at
east you'd be be spared him turning up and creating a scene? Might even be vworth switching hospital if you can. That's if you decide to continue with the pregnancy - the effects of his behavior on your mental health and on your daughter - how will your 16 year old to cope with the effects of his bullying and harassment, which will undoubtedly get worse once you have the baby? He sounds seriously, dangerously unhinged.
A dreadful choice for you to be forced to make.

Well done for telling him its over.
re. sending his kit. Don't go yourself, he will do a FOG number on you. Send someone else, or leave it in his garage, or somewhere safe.
then GO NC, do not read/reply/consult fb. No email. just block him.
You do not need to seek to him. or hear/read his poisonous words.
Change scan aptmt, if you go forward with baby, don't put him on the BC
This is the best decision you have ever made. EVER. men like this, just get worse, & he would have continued to dominate, play mind games, manipulate & eat away at your soul forever
As for termination. I would.
You will have gone NC. if he bothers you, say you lost the baby due to stress.
if any more harassment, call the police.

Post him his things.
Block him from your phone.
Change your appointments.
Don't answer the door.
Go silent.

Regardless if you have the baby or not, you have no obligation to have contact during pregnancy at all. If you have the baby, get legal advice about if you can be compelled to inform him. At the least, have 7 months of no contact and then get a game plan.

You could fake a miscarriage. I'm not being flippant.

Dont take his calls, don't engage with him at all ever. Keep his texts/emails/voicemails. Get in touch with WA asap (0808 2000 247 - call at night if possible as lines busy during the day). They will guide and support you through the process. They are the experts and you can rely on them.

Chuck out his stuff or get someone else to deliver. Never speak to him again.

He is an abuser. If the police get involved it will be the best thing for his behaviour to be on record.

OP, I would seriously speak to the police (101) to log this. I know of people who have had their concerns taken seriously when it comes to domestic abuse.

You also wouldn't be the first woman to have a termination and call it a miscarriage. At least you have the headspace now to think about what you want.

Don't engage with him. No phone calls, no texts. You are not obliged to speak with him at this moment in time - think safety first.

I've logged concerns with Police, they are coming on Sunday and I can call them if he turns up In the meantime.
Left a message with Women's Aid.
Have got midwife tomorrow and Marie stopes counseling on sat am
Thank you for your help, and hopefully I can come to a decision soon. He is still texting insisting that he is 'very serious' that we need to have a conversation about the baby and if I can't communicate with him then he seriously questions whether we should be bringing a child into it...and I owe it to the child to put the effort into doing the right thing.
I told him to leave me alone.

I'm so tired

That 'leave me alone' is the last time you contact him - right?

'We' are not 'bringing a child into this' - there is no 'this' because you've finished the relationship. YOU would be bringing a child into YOUR life. Your body, your choice, particularly as the relationship is over.

Block him on everything - but keeps the threatening/harassing comms. Do try not to read anything - divert eg emails to another folder/not read texts but keep for future evidence.

Absolutely definitely don't take any of his calls/answer the door. The relationship is OVER. He is no longer anything to do with you; a stranger.

I think you can get rid of him. There is a good chance that either 1. He comes on so strong you have a restraining order and no contact or/and 2. He simply can't keep it up. It would take a lot of effort to continually make efforts to contact and abuse as a separated ex - he doesn't like taking about previous exes, perhaps you will just become another sob story of an ex who for pregnant without telling him and bla bla he will make up the rest. Actually having you and a child in the picture would complicate the image he is projecting quite a lot for him. But change the scan date! if you have to have your scan late that's better than him turning up (and if he does and just hears it's cancelled in the absence of any other communication he may think you are aborting? ). And if you have the baby DO NOT put him on the birth certificate,