would you?

[hurtandconfued2016]

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

[hurtandconfued2016]

Ledkr - I have just never wanted him to be able to say I didn't see you because of your mother... the leave he had off work has really annoyed me and I told him that the other day it wasn't just 2 weeks paternity leave he took he also took 2 weeks parental leave!! So in 4 weeks he spent 3 hrs 20 mins with them!

[hurtandconfued2016]

The other thing that has annoyed me has he bought the kids anything for easter?? No not even a £1 egg! But then why am I surprised when he hasn't bought our daughter anything since I found out we where having her

[Ledkr]

Precisely.
All I am saying is that it's just not worth the effort you are going to for half arsed contact that he's not even bothered about having.
Stop being annoyed with him and get revenge by not jumping to his tune.
If he wants to see them then fine but let him do all the work and running about, you have enough to do as it is.

[Costacoffeeplease]

So now you know for the future not to expect anything, and I mean anything, from him, then neither you, nor the children as they get older, will be disappointed

'The children are available for you to see them on x days at x time, let me know if you want to see them, x will bring them to x place.' If he can't be arsed then fuck him

[AcrossthePond55]

I hereby yield my soapbox to the estimable Ledkr.

Hurt if you want to drive yourself crazy, make yourself angry, and frustrate yourself that's your decision. But don't do it in the name of 'he'll say your mother wouldn't let me see you'. You could offer them to him 24/7/365 and he's going to say that anyway. He's purposely putting obstacles IN HIS OWN WAY and you are choosing to try to remove those obstacles that he doesn't want removed in the first place. I'm not saying he doesn't love his children, simply that they are NOT his first priority right now. The bullshit with his leave proves it. If they were his first priority, he'd pick them up from the devil himself in hell at midnight if that was what it took to see them. Wouldn't you?

Honestly, you just need to let it go. Stop offering. If he contacts you (or his parents do) and makes a suggested arrangement that is acceptable to you then fine. Otherwise, leave him to himself.

[clashofclanswidow]

Hey Hurt hunny I'm sorry, this is gonna be long...

I sympathise with you, I really really do. I know we have spoken personally through emails not just on mumsnet and our situations are almost identical.

Both have a toddler already, both pregnant, both blissfully unaware this was coming, both told "I just don't love you anymore" and both left for another woman so I do know the hurt and the pain you are going through so please don't think I don't hun, the timings have just been different. Whilst I still have 9 weeks left, you have a newborn and a major op to recover from.

But I am genuinely worried about you now =(

I don't want to it to look like anyone on this thread is ganging up on you or making you feel like you're handling this all wrong, we are 100% here for your support.

I wasn't going to add to it here as I didn't want to seem like I was joining in but speaking from someone in the same position as you, you have to let what will be, be with this a**clown!

My ex has cancelled on our DD three times this month alone and each time I have shrugged it off - why? Because it is his loss, not mine. It's not even hers because she doesnt even miss out when he is not around!

It does not and will not reflect on me and it just means I've got to spend extra time with my beautiful creation =)

Sure people think I'm soft for not being firmer with him but I don't see the point as I don't need anymore grief. A quiet life is best for us.

No disputting that I do secretly enjoy the brief time that DD does occasionally spend with her Dad, as it gives me time to recharge my batteries and I know that ANGER you must feel that he is not giving you that... but trying to force him into doing it will just make you more tired and you don't need anything else to be angry at right now. You need to seek support and help elsewhere, even if it's through a charity/organisation etc.

I know you're very upset hun but you need to stop thinking what he is thinking and start accepting what you are doing personally, physically and mentally. You have tried to facilitate meet ups and he has declined.

Therefore the idea of you worrying he is going to claim you were a bad Mother for not letting him see his kids, needs to stop and you need to start understanding what it is you're doing for yourself.

You have been an amazing person for even attempting to let this sht have anything to do with your kids after what he has put you through and if he is wasting his chances, that is HIM, not you at all!

He might throw it back in your face, to the kids when they are older, that you stopped them seeing him but kids are not stupid - are they really going to believe the man that only sees them for a bit (providing he does buck his ideas up) or the Mum that loves them, hugs them and kisses them and is there for them all the time?

If you're worried, keep your evidence and the day they do try throw in your face that you stopped them seeing Dad (when they are much older) you can explain what truly happened if necessary!

The point I am trying to make is that you know what you have done and you can physically do no more. Second guessing what he is thinking all the time is not helping you, I know because I've been there.

You cannot control another human being - it's physically not possible and even the thought of "well if I do this, this way, he might do that, that way" is time-wasting and mentally draining because again, you cannot control the actions of someone else.

For your own sanity hun, put him behind you. You say you don't speak to him but then you mention you have had a dig about how he used his paternity leave to mess about...again, as annoying and selfish of him as that was, that was his choice and not your fault, nor something you could control - it's heartbreaking but it happened. Just another thing to add to the "reasons to hate my ex" list.

What you can control is yourself. Your emotions. Your anger. Your actions.

You can bend over backwards for him but to no avail or he would have been around by now or you can take control of yourself and think right, from now on, this is the moment I am turning over a new leaf. I quit!

If that cockwomble decides he wants to step up then so be it! Let him crawl to you - in the meantime this is about you and your kids. If he doesn't, don't sweat it either. You are an amazing Mummy and they don't need a part-time Dad!

Put him (and his family) to the back of your mind and let them come to you. If his parents want to see their Grandkids, make them travel to you but don't ask if he will he tagging along too...

This is the attitude I have taken with me ex and it has paid off for me immensely. I still have my sht days but because I'm not hanging on or holding out for him, I am able to move on easier and think clearer and the more I wait for him just to contact me, the more it's becoming habit. I never contact him, he is always the first to text. I never thought we'd get to that point until I took a step back.

My baby isn't born yet I know, so you're probably reading this thinking I don't know how shit it's gonna be or how hard it's gonna get but I do know for a fact...as it's already cemented in my mind... that if he doesn't want to be around my newborn baby, that will always be his decision and we will cope just fine without him.

I won't ever be worried about what he will say to them about why he isn't a permanent fixture in their life, as I will always know in my heart what went on and the steps I took to deal with it.

I know it's easy for us as outsiders looking in to give you this advice and expect you just to dive right in with it hun but please listen to us all, as we have your best intentions at heart!

It may not seem like what you want to do and you may think if you cut him off that you'll never get your family back but I'm sorry, I firmly believe now that he doesn't deserve you back! Going back to what I said previously, you can't control his mind to come back anyway, even if you wanted it more than anything and even if you think what you're doing might lead him to your door, he has to decide that all by himself but torturing yourself this way for so long is not good hun xxxxx

[Ledkr]

Well done clash sounds as if you have it sorted and

[hurtandconfued2016]

Hi everyone sorry not replied had a few bad days with baby and son.
Since he seen his dad he has been acting out hitting and baby hasn't stopped crying for hours :(
Well he returned to work after all the leave and I'm sitting here thinking do I tell his work he took paternity/parental leave without actually seeing his kids!
Clash I really wish I was as strong as you! I've not stopped crying for the past 3 days! Any time I go to sleep he's in my bloody dreams causing trouble it's like I can't get away from him!

[clashofclanswidow]

Oh no - sounds to me like it's really not worth forcing contact if it's going to effect your Son that way? =(

What would telling his work do though hun? I know it's sick and wrong and totally out of order what he did, I would be equally as livid in that circumstance...but how does it help you? What benefit do you get from doing it? Seeing him "possibly" get into trouble would be satisying but if he's being a dickhead about contact as it is, surely getting his wrists slapped by work/HMRC will make that worse as he would know it was you and I can't see that making things any better?

Just seems like it would be adding a shit storm to your situation when you already have enough on hun. It's not going to help you xx

[Ledkr]

Oh sweetie, why don't you give yourself a few weeks off it all.
Concentrate on healing yourself emotionally and physically. Have calm relaxing times with your little ones, cuddles, ganes, movies and nice food. Nurture yourself.
Can u ask family or friends to give you a little break or some company?
If you were near me Id March around with my teenage daughter and we could hold babies while you have a bath and a good rest.
Have you spoken to health visitor about it all, she may be able to get you a sure start worker for some support??

[Colchestergal]

I'm so sorry you are struggling.

But why are you continuing to allow him to call the shots? Why are you giving him the control all the time?

As I suggested before, leave him to it. Ignore him and let him chase you for contact. You are NOT responsible for him and should NOT be pushing him to see his own kids.

You need to get the upper hands and take control of this situation otherwise you will continue to feel shitty. You can do this by letting that shitbag crack on with his selfish choices. You need to focus on yourself and the kids and nobody else.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Clash - this might sound pathetic but the only thing he is caring about right now is money and if his work found out he would have to pay the paternity leave money back! Then maybe it wold show him what it's like to be hurt.

Ledkr - I have moved in with my parents at the moment 1. Because of the section 2. Because he was refusing to pay the mortgage if I was living in the house. They took baby last night for me but it seems when I don't have the kids keeping me occupied I crumble.
Colchester - I guess down to guilt for my kids didn't want them being punished because of me. If I left it to him they wold never see their dad he has already reduced his days because he didn't want to have to pick my son you on the 3rd day and because I wouldn't allow him to have him for 3 nights he threw a strop and said well I will onlt take him one night.

[hurtandconfued2016]

I have started writing everything down. So when I was angry last night I wrote him and the ow a letter letting them know how I felt and how it's effecting the kids he will never get these letters but I think it's better for me to get it out

[Ledkr]

You will feel better soon, I promise you that.
I thought I'd die of a broken heart but after a few months I started to feel much better and have had a lovely life since.
As for the ow, it might be all roses now but when real life kicks in HES stil going to be the selfish, badly brought up emotional mess who wants to manipulate everyone and who is incapable of loving anyone but himself!

[clashofclanswidow]

Then do it hurt. For that reason. If it's going to make you feel better then go for it. Teach him a lesson.

I just meant I don't want you adding anymore stress to your life, if you end up getting caught up in something with his employer etc xx

[hurtandconfued2016]

Yeah ledkr even when I saw him the other day he had stopped making the effort that he had been doing! Hadn't shaved hair getting long wearing the same clothes! I just want to know if she thinks what she has done is acceptable! I hate her as much as I hate him for it!
Clash - I really want to but I'm a stupid was I'm scared of him getting into trouble!

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't talk to his work. It's going to be 'she said/he said'. You'll say he never saw the children, he'll say you're the 'vindictive ex' and are lying. You really have no 'solid evidence' he didn't see them so it'll be your word against his and I'm sure none of his friends or family will back you up on it. Let it go.

As we've all unanimously said, back away and stop contacting him. If he doesn't see the children, so be it. Children are better off with no father than with a shit one. Children are very perceptive and soon pick up on the fact that their parent would rather be elsewhere with the OW or are only there out of a sense of duty because his mother makes him. Your children will find plenty of male role models in their lives, starting with (I assume) your dad and any other good men in your family.

If you want, let his parents know that if they want to see the children they can come to you or meet somewhere 'in the middle' but that you are done trying to get their son to do the right thing.

Remember, once you let go of him you'll be able to move on with your own life. And that may include meeting a good man who will love you and be the father to your children that they deserve. I know it may be too soon for you to completely understand and accept that, but it's the truth.

[RavioliOnToast]

Fuck no. Well done for standing your ground OP, and congratulations.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Well everyone I took your advice I have emailed him and said that when he sees our daughter on Friday it will be at the local shopping centre he can take the kids for something to eat and I will go shopping for an hour then take our daughter back. I have explained the reasons to him being I can't sit in a room with someone who makes it so clear that they can't speak to me or look at me and not even simple pleasantries can be said.
I am waiting for his reply but I take it he won't be happy I also said that I would make my own arrangements with his mum to see the kids when he isn't there so we didn't have to see each other or speak to each other.
This way I would only see him for 2/3 mins and hopefully will help me get over this

[clashofclanswidow]

Can't of been easy hurt, well done.

Don't back down though if he says no to the shopping centre!!! That is your rule, you have stated that and if he says no, it's tough shite.

Don't feel guilty if he says no, just because if the children - you gave him a good meeting place that he has no reason to argue with so if he does, he's just being difficult on purpose. His loss, not yours. Remember not to jump through hoops for him anymore.

And good idea about the in-laws =)

Hope you're doing ok hun xx

[hurtandconfued2016]

Thanks clash!
It was very hard but needed to be done in cried the whole time writing the email but I need to try and distinct myself from him completely as seeing someone you love not even able to look a you hurts!
I still haven't had done a reply yet so don't know what's going on.
Xx

[AcrossthePond55]

FWIW I am soooo proud of you. You've done exactly right. The children deserve some routine in their lives and YOU deserve dignity and respect. The email is the first step in showing him that he cannot get away with treating you like dirt.

You need to be prepared to say "That won't work for us" if he makes any suggestion other than perhaps asking for a different day but only IF that day works for you. Say it calmly and keep repeating it for as long as it takes. You may also want to be prepared for him to 'send in the heavy artillery' in the form of his mother.

[Ledkr]

Well done!
I'm very proud too (links arms with across the pond)
Your new life will start now

[AcrossthePond55]

"We shall overcooome"
We shall overcooome,
We shall overcome somedayyy;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We shall overcome someday."

And so you shall, OP.

[DollyTwat]

I think the indifference to your dc will hurt you more than anything he ever did to you. And from experience op you can't change him into the kind of dad you want him to be. He is what he is. He can be the kind of sad HE wants to be, the more effort you put into forcing it won't make any difference

So, back off. Do your thing. Give him the opportunities but it's not your job to force it. He has to take the responsibility for his relationship for himself