would you?

[hurtandconfued2016]

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

O think of cda set the amount but he then pays it to your bank account (direct pay) then they don't charge.

You need to realise that the reason he says horrible things and puts you down is to keep you in your place! It's all contrived, don't allow him to do this to you.

He is not a nice person and I really wish you told him that he needn't worry the only contact you wish to have with him is regarding the children.

Go to the CDA, do that today. Much better for you to have them deal with it.

You will get there, you have only recently had a baby and your emotions are all over the place, you are doing great. I hope one day I read that everything has fallen into place for you and that you realise what an arse he is and that you are so much better off without him.

Only he can decide what sort of father he will be.

To be honest, his insistence at not talking to or even looking at you makes him appear mental and unhinged.
What is that all about? I know people in their teens who behave better than this after a break up.
I think you need to get everythung set in stone via court and stick to it rigidly.
He doesnt want to speak to you? Fine. Do everything via solicitors and have no other communication.
Maybe you don't want to speak to his arse now.
As for his mum, she does sound a victim in all this but she's not your problem now, blood is thicker than water and she is responsible for raising such a selfish prick.
Take a deep breath and stop letting this idiot call the shots, you are the resident parent, there is lots of evidence to show thst not once has he behaved reasonably. Let this come out in court dont slow him to silence you.

You have recently given birth, are sad,hurt and frightened for the future. In time you will see him for what he is and be glad you didn't agree to all his demands now.

I'm saying this as gently as possible, but you really, really need to disengage from him. I don't know why, but it appears to me that there is some need in you to have him acknowledge you, that there is possibly some lingering feeling for him. He disrespects you, he makes it clear he wants nothing to do with you yet you insist on putting yourself in his way. I don't think this is helpful to you. If he doesn't want to see or speak to you, so be it. Your life will be all the more peaceful for not having to deal directly with him.

Sort out maintenance via CSA. Access via the courts with a set schedule. Let his parents serve as a drop off and/or pick up for your son. For now, he'll just have to deal without seeing his daughter until he either grows up or she is old enough to be without you.

You need to move on with your life so you can find someone who will appreciate you (assuming you want another relationship at some point).

Thanks everyone last night had a bad night with baby and I just sat and cried tbh!
I know have the fear of can i afford to look after my kids? Can I afford to keep the house on? I need to try and find a new job that is more money too. Everything is pretty horrible right now.
He wants me to go to csa and make it that they take the money out his account so that he doesn't have to do it on a monthly basis!

I wish I was able to say look I never want to speak to you again I hate you the way he has said it to me but unfortunately I am still in love with him and still want the family to be together which I know is never gonna happen!
Ledkr- he says I disgust him that why he can't look at me or speak to me. (Not long ago he said he couldn't look at me because he still loves me and finds me attractive!)
I really do believe there is something wrong with him I don't believe that any one can be so hurtful and so horrible!

We have the days sorted for the next 8 weeks so I have forwarded that to my lawyer so she can write it up for me.
I really do believe he wants to see the kids but I believe he wants to put his relationship first over the kids I don't know if she has anything to do with it or not.

I wish I was able to say look I never want to speak to you again I hate you the way he has said it to me but unfortunately I am still in love with him and still want the family to be together which I know is never gonna happen!

I really do believe there is something wrong with him I don't believe that any one can be so hurtful and so horrible!

He knows you feel this way and is showing you as bluntly and rudely as he can that he does not love you because you aren't willing to accept his words telling you. There's nothing 'wrong' with him in the way you mean. He just doesn't know how to get through to you that he no longer loves you and that you need to move on. Even him playing with his phone during the visit is a way of showing you that he's done. But you seem to refuse to believe or accept it. What he's doing is cruel, but I think I begin to understand his insistence that he neither see nor speak to you if you cannot let go.

I honestly believe it would be best for all if you would just leave him alone. Agree to allow his parents to supervise his visits with DS and later with DD without you present. As long as his mother is there you know the children are safe. There is no need for you to be there other than your need to insert yourself in his life.

I'm sorry to sound so heartless. But really, you need to let go and move on. There is a whole world of happiness out there in your future, but not as long as you keep yourself chained to the past. You deserve more. Counseling will help you immensely.

I take it your solicitor is giving you advice where you stand legally on financial matters.

Contact CSA today, get the ball rolling and find out what you are entitled to.

Do you love him or do you love the idea of having a traditional family? I really can't see what there is to love about him, he treats you like something bad he has trodden in and is a piss poor father to your children. From the outside looking in he isn't very attractive.

Take everything one day at a time, I know it's tough right now. X

You do need to contact the CSA immediately - it took the best part of a year until I saw a penny so you must get it started. And yes indeed - you must not engage with him any more. It is just causing you more upset every time.

Across the pond - I haven't shown him for about a month or so that I miss him and that I still love him and if that was the case why is he being this way with his children too? It's not just me he is treating awful my kids have been dumped by him he has shown no interest in seeing them or anything! It's his parents that show more interest than him.

As for the leaving him alone what have I done that hasn't been leaving him alone? Didn't speak to him for 4 weeks went to a lawyer to sort everything out I don't feel the need to speak to him now and when I do I don't speak to him with love or happiness it's hatred and anger!
Just about to phone csa the now. Yeah lawyer is helping I need to see if I can get another job as mines is a part time low paying job.after 4 years I do still miss him and love him I don't know if it's I am scared for the future!

Have you applied for all the tax credits you are entitled to? You may find you get a lot more help than you expect.

I'm not trying to be antagonizing, honestly.

I think possibly the reason he's being this way with the children is (and correct me if I'm wrong) because you had said in the past that you would not allow him to see the children without you present (perfectly understandable with your DD, she's too little to be away from you) and that instead of allowing things to be 'brokered' through attorneys or through his parents you insist on you and he 'sitting down with the rota'. But to him, correctly or incorrectly, that means that you are still trying to insert yourself into his life. Obvs if you've worked out access with your son without you present then this will be a step in the right direction.

And whether or not you speak to him with anger or with love, he still knows how you feel. Anger and love are very closely related. You need to be able to treat him with the utmost indifference. It shouldn't hurt you that he doesn't want to see/speak to you. You should be indifferent to it.

Again, I'm talking about how it may appear to him. Not necessarily the way it is, iyswim.

Yeah I have applied for all the benefits I can get.
When he originally left yes I wasn't allowing him to take my son without his parents it was never organised that I had to be there. With my daughter now that is a different story he won't be getting to see her without me there that will not happen till she is older.
And yes before I wouldn't organise anything through his parents that's why I went to a lawyer in early Feb to organise it and it was actually him that replied to my lawyers letter to Say we would be able to sit down without mediation to discuss the rota. (I was willing to do it at mediation in separate rooms)
I will be able to treat him that way but right now I have just had his baby it's been 9 weeks since he left me things are all still pretty raw!

Of course it's very raw right now, that's completely understandable. You are doing better than you think you are, for one you are not letting him dictate to you no matter how hard he is trying.

I seem to remember that you are getting support from your family, is that still the case?

Sweetheart. You woukd feel better and get over him quicker with no contact.
After my husband left I saw him quite a lot when he came to get the kids. After a few weeks I realised how painful I was finding it so I asked my sisters to supervise handovers to give myself a break.
It was a revelation, I felt so much better not having to see his cheating face every week.
Id recommend it to anyone.
Poor you, it must be so awful.
Did you speak to your friends or family yet? You need support.

I speak to my family all the time friends not so much. They all have their own life and stuff so don't really talk to them.
Right now I can't stop all contact with him as the baby I will not give her over just yet he hasn't shown me any signs he can look after her on his own. Once she is older and the has shown me he can do it with the 2 kids I will gladly cut all contact with the scumbag. The problem with having other family members hand over the kids is that he will not accept that anyone in my family gives him the kids he hates everyone in my family and tbh my family hate him so no one would do it. :(

I guess I must have misunderstood some of the things you've said or put my own spin on them to mean that you were trying to be a presence in his life. I apologize.

I agree with Ledkr, though. You do need to avoid him as much as possible for your own good and recovery from your heartbreak.

Do you think you could arrange to take DS to his parents and they could drop him home so you wouldn't see the scumbag? Would you feel, in a bit more time, that his mother would be capable of caring for DD during brief visits? I guess I'm only thinking that because I trusted my DH's mum to care for our babies at 6 weeks old so DH and I could go out for a few hours to dinner or a movie. I was EBF and would leave a bottle of breast milk for her to use. If DH and I had split up, I still would have trusted her. She would never have endangered her grandsons.

Naturally, his mum would have to agree to never leave them unsupervised and if you can't trust her to do that, all bets are off. But wouldn't it be nice to know that you could just take the children, drop them off, then pick them up (or have his parents bring them) without having to see him or put up with his rudeness? He can always hide in the bedroom closet when you drop them off if he doesn't want to see you.

In a way, the power is in your hands. You make the decisions as to how the children get to him. Not him. He doesn't want your family or friends to hand off? Tough shit. If you say that's who will be doing it, then that's who will be doing it.

Across - I don't think I would trust them with baby just yet as when I had my son she said she didn't like looking after babies she didn't feel comfortable with them.the only people we ever trusted to look after our son for a while was my parents.

I know I said I would do it through 3 parties and he said if that's the case he won't be seeing his kids! Which then makes me feel bad he's not seeing his kids

You're not stopping him though - he should feel bad he's not seeing them, entirely up to him

It would be so much nicer than having to see him and hurt myself every time. He has already reduced his days because he doesn't think it's fair to be travelling 10 mins to collect and return them I'm just hitting my head off a brick wall!

Then stop doing it

Congratulations on your new baby

No I wouldn't for months to come.

Then just stop! You're using him as a club to beat yourself over the head with. You're like someone who sticks their hand on a hot cooker and then complains because it's hot. You don't have to do it and you're only hurting yourself.

Why do you torture yourself this way? Why do you make his problems your problems? You set the rules the way you want them he can abide or not abide by them. If he wants to see thr children he'll see them your way or not at all.

The problem with having other family members hand over the kids is that he will not accept that anyone in my family gives him the kids he hates everyone in my family and tbh my family hate him so no one would do it
But it's not up to him is it?
It's sounds as if this twerp had been allowed to call the shots his whole life by his idiot parents.
I think in time you will grow stronger and more able to stand up to him.
You might even decide that he's not a particularly good father and so be less concerned about facilitating contact and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't Persue it.

Across - I want my kids to have their dad as unless as he may be sometimes he didn't stop loving them just me. I feel if I tell him it will be a family member or that he won't see them and my little one is too young to be punished because I don't want to see his dad.
Ledkr- he has he still is babied by his parents doing his washing cleaning his room making his lunch to take to work all of the things he said I was emotionally abusive over!

Darling, your wanting to maintain contact for your children is admirable and I'm all for co parenting and a childs right to a relationship with both parents.
Good positive contact, coming from a place of love and desire to see their children, not a desire to simply control everyone around them.
Contact which does not jeopardise the physical and emotional health of the sole care giver.
Contact which could have taken place during the weeks that he had off work *in order to spend time with his children^ which he used for his own.
This is not contact between a loving father and his children who benefit from it, this is a man child who has been so cosseted by his parents that he believes it's acceptable adult behsviour to refuse to even look at the mother of his aparently loved children, a man who requires everyone to run around after him even if they are recovering from surgery or are a few weeks old.
A man who's own mother is embarrassed by his behaviour but still cow tows to it, no wonder he has no respect for you.
I hope in time you will come to see what lots of us can, that his presence in the children's lives is certainly not worth so much of your effort.