would you?

[hurtandconfued2016]

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

[Fratelli]

Definitely don't go in his car either! It is totally reasonable to offer somewhere neutral that is easily accessible to you. If he's incapable of seeing his children without his parents then he probably shouldn't have the responsibility of having kids. I suspect the reason he can't face any of you is because of the shame.

[hurtandconfued2016]

With cutting contact I had said to him last week through lawyers that it would have to go to mediation then I received his lawyers letter and thought great we can be adults about this! But then he went back on everything he has said in his letter from his lawyer!
Fratelli!- he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong this is the thing! He thinks I am the bad guy in all of this. I mean I'm not going to say that before I didn't text him angry or upset before. (I was in my late stage of prefna) but he said he can't stand to be in my company that I disgust him and he doesn't want to be near me that's why he needs his parents there In case I do anything! Don't think he realises that If I was going to do anything to him I would have thrown a drink at him the night I caught him and the ow having there 1 month anniversary even though they weren't supposed to be together as he was still with me!
He is only allowed the children on his own at his parents I have had to say that if he is taking them out he must have someone with him because when I would go to work before he left me I would come home after 6 hours and my son would still be in the same nappy with no lunch!

[summerwinterton]

You expected him to behave in a decent fashion is not stopping him seeing his kids. So if he throws that in your face from now then you will jump when he clicks his fingers. Why would you want him to be in contact when he won't even change a nappy? Would you leave your dc with a friend who neglected in such a way?

Lawyer, proper contact if he can be bothered and stop having any more chats. I do hope he is paying maintenance?

[hurtandconfued2016]

No that's why his parents are always there as well because he doesn't want to have to deal with them on his own! I actually think he only asks to see the kids because his mum wants to see them! Also with that if now I ever found out he hadn't changed my kids or fed them I would be able to stop all contact outside a contact centre.
He isn't paying me anything, he pays my half of the mortgage (200) and that's it! I am due a lot more from him which we again had agreed on but then when my lawyer put it in the letter he has now said no that's too much I need to be able to have a life! He hasn't bought a single thing for his daughter not even a dummy! He also hasn't purchased anything for our son even nappies when he has him I provide him with them

[AcrossthePond55]

You're doing far, far too much to facilitate contact. Think for a moment, if positions were reversed, if he had the children, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to get to where they were to see them? Of course you would! Would you sit on your arse and expect him to do everything to bring the children to you? I daresay not.

Denying contact doesn't mean you have to give in to the NRP's demands that you do all the work to facilitate contact. Denying contact means putting up roadblocks to the NRP's own efforts to get to the children. You aren't denying contact. You're telling him to act like a responsible parent and make his own arrangements to see the children. Arrangements that don't include dragging you and your new baby into a home you aren't welcome in.

You know, from everything you say about him, this pitiful excuse for a man is a real pussy. He's 'afraid' of you, he's 'afraid' of his parents, he's pathetic.

[summerwinterton]

Well said Across - he is a cowardly bully.

[hurtandconfued2016]

If he had my children I would be wanting to see them all the time! Even things like when our daughter was born he didn't ask if everything went okay even now he still doesn't know about follow up appointments or anything because he can't speak to me to ask!
He sees it as I am putting myself in this position not letting him take our daughter without me but he has literally spent 10 mins with her that is it!

[AcrossthePond55]

It doesn't matter what he 'sees'. Just because he thinks it that doesn't make it the truth.

He just wants things to be easy for him. Time he learnt life and especially parenthood are not easy.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Yeah suppose I'm trying to please everyone barr myself. I just never wanted my kids to not have one parent but he really isn't making an effort.
For my ex he has always said he wouldn't be like his father but right now he is doing exactly what his dad done!

[BonitaFangita]

In an ideal world children would have two parents who are devoted to them and are kind to each other. But unfortunately we live in the real world from experience I really do believe that some parents do more harm to their kids than good. You are doing more than enough to accommodate him but he just doesn't seem interested. Give him a chance through mediation,but then you really need to consider the long term effects his behaviour will have on your children.
You seem very vulnerable at the moment, what kind of support do you have IRL?

[Costacoffeeplease]

He's a twat, you're running round in circles trying to please him - STOP STOP STOP

Who gives a flying fuck what he says, cut contact - lawyers, mediation, contact centres whatever it takes - but just stop this circus now it's giving him too much power

[hurtandconfued2016]

The problem is when I suggested in my lawyers letter about mediation might be the only way we can do it from now on in. In his reply from the lawyer he said he didn't think mediation was needed because we would be able to sort everything out our self's but what he didn't tell his lawyer is that it will take him 5-10 years to be able to speak to me about anything.
So now I need to go back to it all!
Well that's me and the kids all washed and ready for tomorrow I am making sure we all look our best! But very nervous and scared about it...

[AcrossthePond55]

I hope it goes well.

[FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes]

Why did you ever have children with this horrid man bastard?

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

He is deliberately making it difficult so he can claim you stopped him from seeing his kids.
He is more interested in ysnking your chain than seeing them. The only thing that will change that is regusing to engage.

My ex pissed about so I did not contact him anymore re. The kids. Eventually he realised that if he wanted to see his kids it was up to him to sort it.

Back off. Let him sort it. If he suggests something that does not suit you say, sorry that doesn't work for me this would work better. If he doesn't agree ignore him again.
He will either step up or he isn't worth it.

Better no dad than a dad who isn't prepared to make any effort at all.

If his mum wants to see them.sort that out separately with her.

[Ledkr]

Op. Listen to me, I'm a wise old owl who has been through many crappy things in my life.

Firstly stop letting these people treat you this way. Let your ex sort out seeung his children himselg bycmunicsrung with you, his parents are enablers and not worth considering. If he grows up then they can see the kids while he has them, simple.
Make sure you Persue maintainence too.

Secondly and most importantly, see your gp and ask for a referral for counselling.
You need to work on your self worth and assertiveness. The way you are allowing this utter tit to treat you is ridiculous. Get an advocate for yourself, a strong friend or relative who can talk to you and be present when this group of utter arses are around you.

Grown men do not refuse to speak to people or allow their parebts to still parent them.

Stand back and let him fuck up. I promise you in years to come you will meet soneone else and have the little family you want. You will be glad you don't have to share the kids at weekebds and special times then.

Get that counselling.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Across the pond -thanks :)
Feed my face- well my first baby was a little surprise and my second was planned he has only been this way since he left me. He was never this way before! When I had our daughter we had already planned a wedding and our future had I known this what was going to happen I would not have planned another baby!.
I know I'm letting him walk all over me it's sad my family have got fed up of speaking to me about him because one min I am angry and sticking to my guns then the second he shows some interest in my kids I jump through hoops for him!
Ledk -I started councilling last week and have just been put on anti depressants too.

[Ledkr]

Good. that will help.
It's easy for people to get fed up with you changing your mind but can you explain to them that although you know it's frustrating, you are just all over the place emotionally and very hurt, ask them to please stick by you while you try to move forward.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm glad you've started counseling. I think you'll find it a massive help. And I second Ledkr's advice to talk to your family.

[theredjellybean]

OP...i get the sense from your posts that your exdp is very very immature...and frankly probably not bothered about the children but his mum is , so maybe she is nagging him to have contact so she gets contact.

Do you have an ok relationship with her ???

Right now you need support and help ...you have a toddler and a new baby and you are doing it alone...could you perhaps talk to her ?

I wouldn't necessarily refuse to take the children ( and obviosuly go yourself) to the parents house ...because in years to come you might appreciate the kids being able to go to granny's and you getting a break because i doubt exdp will ever step up to the parenting plate.

I would be stating clearly and once only...you will bring children to the parents house every sunday afternoon for tea or for 2 hrs or whatever SUITS YOU.

You will need a car provided for this ...either he buys you one , or he gives car back .

and when dd and ds are at age 2 and 4 and YOU are happy the enviroment is suitable then and only then will you consider changing access arrangements.

but i would urge you to consider his mother an ally ....she probably loves the kids and shame for them to miss out on that relationship cus esDP is such a twat

[hurtandconfued2016]

Well everyone the whole 3 hours we where there he was texting his gf and then told his dad to take us home!
So I was offering him to see the kids (son to begin with) 3 days with one over night and he wasn't happy about this. He said it's not fair for me to ask him to pick the kids up so instead he is taken them 2 days one over night! So he only has to pick them up and drop them off once!
He then said that he will take my son and my daughter to his parents and I can get a taxi over to his parents! I told him that's not happening as I can't afford it! So his dad has now said he will pick me up and drop me off with the kids until I drive which is fair enough. He also thought he would be getting to keep my daughter overnight and I said that won't be happening for a while!
He never spoke two words to me the rest of the time didn't ask about the kids or how they have been doing or anything!
His mum when I was leaving was sad that I was leaving and apologised for her son said he was so sorry about everything and that I am an amazing mum and a great person and doing amazing with my kids. She said she was sorry she can't even speak to him because he is so stubborn! She was very clearly upset by everything and it's a shame!
I will keep my relationship with his mum as she clearly loves the kids and wants to help me in a way.

[Iamdobby63]

He is a vile, vile man.

You have to learn to expect nothing from him. If he contacts you to see the children then if it's convenient for you then fine if his Dad texts you to make the arrangements then just text back 'I'm sorry but your son and I agreed to not make arrangements through 3rd party' - entirely up to you if you wish to offer them the opportunity to visit you to see their grandchildren.

No I wouldn't allow a two week old baby to be taken off.

[AcrossthePond55]

You know what, I'd be arranging visits strictly with the children's grandparents and leave the bastard out of it. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if his parents are insisting he see the children so they can see them, too Seems to me they're the only ones who really want to see the children anyway since all he does is put obstacles in the way so he has an excuse to back out. If he wants to drop by when the children are there, fine.

If you are comfortable with it, I'd contact his mother and say something like "It's really obvious to me that you are the driving force behind XXX seeing the children. That if it wasn't for you he'd never bother. I want you to know that if you want to see them, you can just ask and I'm sure it can be arranged. I'm happy for the children to know their grandparents. If XXX wants to see the children he can see them when they are with you".

I agree with no overnights for DD. For DS, up to you whether or not you want the grandparents to have him overnight. But leave their 'father' out of it. Trying to make arrangements that suit him is an exercise in futility. And the fact that he paid no attention to them shows that he doesn't really give a rat's ass. But a good relationship with their paternal grandparents can go a long way in making up for him being such a shit. And it will show your children later down the line that you were NOT trying to cut him out of their lives. That he absented himself of his own volition.

[summerwinterton]

Erm you are letting him have them both for 2 days? You are kidding?

I would deffo ask his mum about you seeing her with them alone - keep him well out of it.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Well we sat and went through his rota for the next 8 weeks and set the days that he would have our son. He wanted it this way to minimise contact with me. He doesn't want to sit or speak to me at all. (Which hurts)
He also wants me to apply for csa because he doesn't want to discuss it with me. Which to me is ridiculous because means he is paying more money and also I will be getting less money as they take administration fees!
I won't be letting him take the baby I said this to him and he got angry at me. He doesn't understand why and when I explained that with our son we done it together and it was hard doing it on your own with 2 Is even harder and that I didn't trust him to keep her in her routine or to look after her properly. Think he was hurt by that but I after the horrible things he said to be I don't care anymore! He was expecting me to had her over when she was 6 weeks old again I said it wasn't happening!
It was that bad when he was holding our daughter his mother had to tell him to talk to the baby as she won't know who he is and he got very angry at her for it!