would you?

[hurtandconfued2016]

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

[hurtandconfued2016]

Thanks everyone still nothing from him today! I don't know if he still uses the same email address or if he is just ignoring it!

[AcrossthePond55]

He probably is still in shock at someone finally telling him (in essence) to grow up and act like a man!

Try not to focus on his response. Try not to read anything into his silence. Get on with your week. If he doesn't respond, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Assume he can't be arsed to see his children. And do NOT go to the shopping centre on Friday without hearing from him.

[hurtandconfued2016]

I seen this picture today and it made me smile! Reminded me of all you and what you have said

[Ledkr]

Are you feeling a bit more positive love?
I fejt much better once i took control!
Well done, clever girl.

[hurtandconfued2016]

I have my moments where I'm like I can do this. Then something will set me back like my wee boy asking for him or acting out.
He's not replied still and I'm taking it he won't!

[AcrossthePond55]

A very true sentiment!! There's a world of difference between being nice and being a doormat!!

Being nice; arranging for him to see DC in a way that is least inconvenient for all .

Being a doormat; arranging, rearranging, and rearranging again seeing DC in a way that is only convenient for HIM.

You are a NICE person. Not a doormat!

[Ledkr]

Keep posting here, don't text him.
How are you feeling physically? I've had 4 sections and really feel for you coping alone.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Ledkr I have had to text his dad to let them know my son is unwell (think he might have chicken pox) but that's is!
Physically I feel okay really want to get into exercising tbh but think I've hurt my inside wound doing to much :(

[Ledkr]

Give it more time.
I have davinas post natal DVD of you want it.
Pm me your address if you want and I'll post it. Very gentle.
Life will be good again soon. I can honestly say I have never been happier as I was once Id got over my xh leaving.
I have a great relationship with my kids who totally respect what Ive done for them.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Well everyone today was a massive fail! So at 11 am my ex and his dad showed up at the door to take me and the kids (obviously not read my email). Me being the bloody mug went!
He slept on the couch for 3 hours with the baby and ignored our little boy until 10 mins before me and baby left!
If he wasn't sleeping he was texting his gf! When I was sitting there I was looking at him and thinking what the bloody he'll was I thinking being with him still wearing the same trousers as last week hair a mess an just in general not looking after himself.
Where as me I went wearing my best clothes make up hair perfect feeling great! I tried on a few occasions to have general chat about things he was talking to his mum about (things like motor bikes) and he would ignore me and it didn't hurt me! I actually wasn't upset by this what did upset me was when my little boy got upset when me and baby where leaving.
The other thing is I don't think his relationship is all rosie he was very angry after a text he received from her and it made me happy!

[hurtandconfued2016]

Ledkr thanks for the offer but looks like I'm going to be out of exercise a bit longer I have just burst my wound open :(

[AcrossthePond55]

OK. That's done. It's over. Forget it. Don't think for a moment that he didn't read the email, he did and he just ignored it.

Try again. When is the next visit? Text AND email again that on XX date you will meet him at the shopping centre at XX o'clock. Add that he needs to text or email you by (set a time) that he has read your message and understands or you will assume he doesn't want to see the children and that they will not be available. Then make tentative arrangements to be GONE; go to a friend's, go to a play centre, take the children to the library. Heck, hide in the back bedroom, anything so they think you aren't home. The point being, to show that you have a life and are not at his (or his parent's) beck and call.

"Scumbag*, because you ignored my previous communication regarding visiting with the children I am explaining again. Your next scheduled visit is (insert date). This visit will take place at (shopping centre meeting place) at (time). I will leave you with the children and we will meet at (shopping centre location) at (time) for me to take the children home. You are NOT to come to my home to pick us up. If you do not confirm these arrangements with me by (date/time) the visit will not take place on (date)".

*Of course, don't address it to 'Scumbag', tempting as that might be!

[clashofclanswidow]

That's perfect, totally agree with AcrossThePond55 - I read that and thought..."shows balls!"

[Ledkr]

Yes, I agree too. Your little boy is of an age where his brain is at its most vulnerable to stress so that should be your reason for sorting this out.
He actually sounds like he's mentally ill or something, who behaves like that?
I think he's going to be pretty easy to get over for you with this quite frankly immature off putting behaviour.
Sorry to hear about your wound, please look after yourself and get better. Most women do very little for weeks after a section and you have been coping with two kids alone and running about to contacts.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Repeat this phrase to yourself at least four times a day

[Ledkr]

Why did he sleep with the baby for 3 hours?
Do you know that's a SIDS risk factor

[Iamdobby63]

You really shouldn't have gone, should have told them at the door that as per your email DS wasn't well. Unfortunately because you went he knows to just ignore or not take seriously anything you say. But it's done, hindsight is a wonderful thing, so just live and learn and move forward.

I really would consider telling his parents that clearly he is not interested in the children and that you will leave it until he contacts you for visitation, however, you are happy for them to still be in the children's lives and they are welcome to see them regardless of whether he is there or not. They do seem to be the driving force behind him seeing the children and maybe that's because they are scared they won't see their grandchildren.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Across - could I not use the scumbag bit it's very fitting haha
Ledkr - if I wrote all his behaviour in a book I'm sure someone would read it and say he needs help. I hate the thought of leaving my son with him yesterday it took me asking 4 times if they had a cup my little boy could use and all I got was yes I'll get it 4 hours later i got so angry went through the cupboards only to see f hey actually didn't! Also I had to change my son as they ignored the fact they have to do it! Yeah I know the risks he was sitting up and she was on his lap I was sitting beside them and every time I tried to take her off him he got angry and said I'm fine I'm not sleeping!
Iam- I know I was so angry at myself but in a way I'm bloody glad I did or how neglected would my son have been if I wasn't there it really worries me! His mother does seem to be the one that wants the kids it's a shame he is dropping off our son at 6 tonight so I will be telling him I'm not happy with the arrangements!

[Iamdobby63]

I think you might be wasting your breath. Wait to see how your son is when he gets home. Does he have chicken pox? I am disappointed in his mother tbh, if it were me and I was concerned I would lose my grand children I would be proving to you that I was set up and prepared for their arrival. But I guess that's just me.

Most likely the way your ex was whilst you were there was for your benefit and his resistance to her arrival.

[hurtandconfued2016]

Ahhhhhhhh I'm even more angry now! I have been taken into hospital for various things and I phoned my ex to say I know your supposed to be dropping our son off at 6 but I'm in hospital the now don't know how long I will be here for. His reply "well this is inconvenient how long you going to be there for? When I said I didn't know he said well can i drop him off with someone else cause I'm going out" I'm bloody livid!

[hurtandconfued2016]

I am - I asked the hv and she said she thinks it is but nothing they can do for it.

[Iamdobby63]

I hope you are ok! Do you have someone with you?

I only asked about the chicken pox as your son might have needed calpol, if they don't have a cup it's unlikely they have that.

[Ledkr]

So stop putting yourself in this position. Let him reapply for access and in the meantime refuse it.

You are better off doing it alone than having this half hearted and frank,y painful "help"

[hurtandconfued2016]

I am - I put calpol and ibuprofen in the bag because I knew they wouldn't have any and surprise surprise they didn't!
I will be okay my would has been bleeding and they are doing checks to see if I have a blood clot but I'll be okay
Ledkr - yeah I'm so angry/hurt to know that our son is an inconvenience! I really hate him right now he should be happy I'm asking him for bloody help for a few hours seen as that's what he claims he wants

[AcrossthePond55]

CUT. HIM. OFF!!!

I'm so angry/hurt to know that our son is an inconvenience!

Please, please let this be your mantra. He doesn't care, it's so painfully obvious. Please save your precious children the pain and damage of trying to gain the attention and affection of a father who doesn't care about them. They're young now, but eventually this will damage their loving hearts and spirits.

When you get home, send a brief message that all further visits are canceled as you don't feel it's in the children's best interests to see him, but that his parents are welcome to visit them in your home (if that's agreeable to you). Let him take you to mediation if he cares enough.

[Iamdobby63]

I have to second the above from Across the pond.

For your own emotional wellbeing I think you need that distance, and you also need time away from the stress to heal fully from your C section.

Let him make the first move, if he does then put any conditions on it that you see fit.