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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 11/05/2016 20:40

That's just how it works, it's not like you moved the children miles away from him!

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 20:50

He said because it's so far away from his gf house it takes about 40 mins then he has to go get either his parents or sister then drive 10 mins to my house.

That will never happen in their eyes it's just I am a devil and cause all the problems with him.
Iam - I am 10 mins from his parents house it's him that chooses to stay at his gf

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 11/05/2016 20:58

Lol my heart breaks for him. Bet that explanation made you ever so keen to help a fellow out! Lol He has a bloody nerve.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2016 21:01

Well, Boo-frickin'-hoo!!! So what? You aren't forcing him to stay at his gf, that's his choice. You make a choice, you deal with the consequences of your choice, right? If he chooses to stay at his gf on the days he sees the children, that's his decision and his problem. Why on earth should he think that you should lift a finger to make his life easier? Who does he think he is, a male version of Veruca Salt?

The little prick obvs didn't have any problem with the fucking 40 minute drive to hers and back when he was cheating on you , now did he? Oooh, I am so angry on your behalf now it's a damned good thing I AM in the US!!!

I'd just keep repeating "And how is any of that my problem?" or "And how is any of that my responsibility?".

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 21:31

Do you know originally I said once I could drive after my wound had healed and I had a car i didn't mind brining the kids to him. But since all the crap that I have had from him I'm not making it easier for him!

He said he thinks I have a responsibility to make sure my kids see their father and that he shouldn't have to pay all the petrol for collecting them. I mean originally I would have done anything for him to see the kids but after him calling me a liar and not respecting me in any way whilst I was pregnant and causing all that stress to me and bump i won't be helping him!

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Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 21:32

Aw he also didn't have to make the drive before because they work together so anything that happened happened at work!

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2016 22:06

No, HE has a responsibility to be sure his kids see their father. Your only responsibility is to make them available to him to pick up for agreed upon visits.

I think he's so used to you catering to him (because I'm sure you did) that he doesn't realize that that particular worm has turned!!

It's amazing to me how easy it seems to be for truly entitled people (like him) to convince the rest of us that we should cater to them. So don't think it's just you. It isn't. I had a coworker who was that way and for a time we all just seemed to fall into the habit of doing what she wanted us to do. I can't explain why, we weren't normally pushovers, it just seemed to happen. Maybe because they are so convinced they are right that they convince us!

Anyway, just remember he isn't your problem. If he says 'You should….' you should reply 'No, YOU will need to sort that out yourself. We are no longer together and I no longer need to bend over backwards for you".

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 22:17

Yeah at first I thought if I treated him and gave him everything he wanted he would have came back.... not need she can keep him!! I won't be doing anything to make it easier for him to see kiddies not any more :)

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Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 17/05/2016 16:10

Well not had a wee update for a while...
Was at the lawyer today still set he sees baby at shopping centre or nothing as I have put 3 different options for contact and all have been refused.
Gave her all my evidence of them removing stuff from the house and him saying I'm disgusting and we are saying stop all the he said she said crap your client has lied her is the proof now let's focus! We have also stated If ds is not in his own bed over nights will be stopped.
She was really good again but I always feel physically and emotionally drained after it :(

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 17:21

Good! I'm sure you do feel drained, but if you think about it, it's probably that 'good' drained, like after you've scrubbed the floors or worked hard in the garden. You're drained, but with a sense of accomplishment.

Remember that your lawyer should handle any responses. Don't let yourself get into debate, argument, or negotiations with 'Mr BabyMan' or his parents. Don't let him or them harangue or try to guilt you into getting things his way. Your only reply to them should be 'Please contact my lawyer'. If he agrees to the shopping centre and you feel it necessary, take someone with you so he can't start in on you there. Same thing for pick up/drop offs for DS at your house. I'm assuming you're still getting the 'silent treatment' Hmm, but you may want to think about 'backup' for pickup/drop off after he gets the letter.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 17/05/2016 17:33

Yeah across I said I will be taking someone to the shopping centre if he agrees the lawyer said quiet right!
I also still get the silent treatment so I have to do the note book thing you suggested :)

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 18:05

Grin They're going to love that!

I think it's just gotten to the point that you are NOT going to get anywhere with him and his parents so it's best to just not engage with them. And best to cover your arse against them saying you said things you didn't say by having someone witness any conversations with them. It'll also stop his talking smack to you if he knows someone is listening. Above all else, he's a coward.

Iamdobby63 · 17/05/2016 18:18

Hi Hurt, you really are doing so well.

What happens by law if the house isn't put back together for you to move back in if you decided to?

Absolutely agree with you and across that you should have someone accompany you if he resumes meeting at the shopping centre.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 17/05/2016 19:40

Across - I know I wonder if he will write it or get mummy to do it lol
I have spoke to a friend and she has said if he wants to see baby then she will come with me. It can't be this week though as I'm going away for the night with a friend to have a break so mum and dad are keeping baby. I am a bit worried about going incase he uses it against me though.
Iam- I have said I will not be returning to the house I couldn't afford it now he is not willing to help with the kids financially and is still not providing payslips so the house is going up for sale but we need to discuss who we get to sell it etc etc but I have stated I want no work to be done to the house and nothing is to be removed without my say.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 17/05/2016 19:44

What do you mean he is not willing to help with the children financially? Is he self employed?

He doesn't need to know you are going away this weekend does he?

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 17/05/2016 20:25

He works for NHS and every time the lawyer puts to him an amount working it out he says no that's not happening.(I kept one of his payslip when he left)
I contacted cms and they said we have to go to mediation first before they will open a case with us.
I am only going away 1 night with my friend and we are leaving we he picks up ds. So I have tried to organise it so he doesn't find out. But I'm scared if he does he uses it against me :(

OP posts:
Looly71 · 17/05/2016 20:49

So frustrating for you but you are doing all the right things. Don't worry too much about having a night away you deserve to have a bit of light relief in your life away from all the shit he dishes out. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 21:58

He can't possibly use your night away against you. So don't even consider that. Any parent, male or female, is entitled to spend time away as long as their children are well cared for. And yours are!

By 'that's not happening' do you mean that he says the estimated earnings aren't correct or that he refuses to agree to pay maintenance? Have you spoken to your lawyer about what CMS said? If mediation has to be done, then you need to get hopping on mediation. You know he's going to refuse it so you may as well get that over with so you can show CMS that he's refused to cooperate.

Yes, ickle Mr BabyMan will ask his Mumsy-wumsy to fill out the big, bad form. It would be just too, too upsetting for his itty bitty brain!👶🍼

Iamdobby63 · 17/05/2016 22:35

That can't be right with the CMS. Absent parents can just refuse mediation and not help support their children?

Iamdobby63 · 17/05/2016 22:36

What is CMS? Is there no more CSA?

Iamdobby63 · 17/05/2016 22:45

Don't worry I looked it up, I found this.

What happens if the parent expected to pay refuses to pay child maintenance?
You can ask the statutory child maintenance services to arrange child maintenance on your behalf. The service can contact the parent expected to pay and set up an arrangement to collect child maintenance. It can then enforce payments if that parent refuses to pay child maintenance or stops paying.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 18/05/2016 09:00

Looly - thanks hunni it has been hard but the ladies on here have been so great and supportive!
Across - I was just worried he would say well why is the grandparents watching baby and I can't get to watch my daughter. But my reasons are baby has been with them since birth.
Across - he is saying because he pays ye mortgage and council tax (535) half of that is mine. Yes I do agree half of that is mine but he missed out the part where I pay the gas and electric (his parents put the heating on every day to stop the pipes freezing baring in mind it's bloody roasting right now lol) also pay the house insurance. Then everything for kids on statutory maternity pay. My lawyer worked from his old pay slip he should be giving me 400 since then he has had a war rise (happens every year)
I spoke to the lawyer and this is the last time we will give him the option of mediation. We phoned up yesterday and the lawyer discussed it with cms and they advised that mediation needs to be on the plate before they would do anything. When it was csa they would do it straight away but cms are wanting to be less involved.
Mediation will need to happen as we have a house to sell and I will be dammed if I allow his parents to sell it they will go with the most expensive lawyer and that and we'll I can't afford that.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 18/05/2016 09:09

Well I hope they still take into account arrears in that case as they have paved the way for absent parents to drag their heels! That's so not right and is the opposite of why the CSA was created in the first place.

I just think if he doesn't know you are away it will avoid the resentment from him that you will leave the baby with someone else but not with him, he will never accept or think about the reasons why and will only think you are being spiteful. Better if he doesn't know.

Iamdobby63 · 18/05/2016 09:10

PS. As it's an empty property he is probably not paying the council tax, or at least not all of it.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 18/05/2016 09:38

I am the property isn't fully empty as he hasn't taken any of the kids furniture that I left for him. (Ds bed) I also have about 4 boxes of stuff I still need to remove. Also the couches but they are going to his sister who got 6 month tax relief so they can't move the couches to hers until September!

My lawyer said after this letter that will be sent today if he still can't agree on mediation or the amount then cms will get involved. Just frustrating that someone doesn't want to help with their kids. I mean he hasn't bought ds or baby anything since he left in fact he has been keeping clothes that I sent ds in if his family bought them for his Christmas and birthdays!

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