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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you?

552 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/03/2016 22:48

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 06/05/2016 17:39

He knows when he is doing it he just thinks it's funny to do in his pants :( we have had 3 accidents 1 potty!
They kind of push it especially c because he will be in with kids older than him

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 06/05/2016 17:52

The joy of boys! He will probably more inclined when at nursery and he sees the other kids using toilets.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2016 19:27

I used the M&M method for both boys. Go in the potty, get M&M. 2 for # 1, 3 for #2. Worked faster for DS1 as he was in a small home daycare and 'Nanny' was potty training 2 boys at the same time. She was great and all we had to do was carry on what she was doing. DS1 was accident free (daytime) in about a week. DS2 took longer because he was home (Dad was SAHD then) and his dad kept putting him back in pull-ups instead of cloth pants during the day so the 'accidents' weren't as uncomfortable. Took about 3 weeks, I think, for daytime 'no accidents'.

Iamdobby63 · 06/05/2016 19:42

Chocolate solves a lot of problems. Lol

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 07/05/2016 14:21

Aw I'm going crazy with the potty training! I never slept a wink last night was thinking about the bloody lawyers letter the whole night and every time I fell asleep all I was dreaming about was the situation.
My son seems to not know when he is doing a pee? it is driving me mental x

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2016 17:32

He doesn't know. Well he knows, but weeing in a nappy is what he 'knows'. Take him potty every 2 hours, at first you have to try and 'catch' him. Put him on the potty and read a book to him, sing, anything to keep him there for at least 15 mins. When he 'goes', even a bit, praise him to the skies (and give him M&Ms). He'll get the connection, even though it'll be wee in the potty = M&Ms.

Oh, and put him in cloth training pants during the day (except nap time). It makes it easier to see if they start to wee so you can rush them to the potty, and wet cloth pants don't feel good which encourages them to tell once they make the connection.

Don't force. He may not be ready. Has he shown any interest in the potty? Have you let him see you wee? If he starts to actively 'fight' the potty it's time to stop for a few days and try again.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 09/05/2016 21:57

Ok wee update ex picked up son today. I went to my local park for a walk with a friend and baby. Turns out him and his whole family and my wee boy went too.

His whole family ignored me and baby walked past us twice!!!! Then when they were walking away they all surrounded my son so he couldn't see me! I don't think I've cried so much in public before! If I was out and bumped into them I wouldn't stop my son speaking to them God my head hurts from all of this

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twocultures · 09/05/2016 22:33

Flowers for you OP
I would definitely be noting everything down!
I've followed your threads about your useless excuse of a creature that is your ex and feel for you!
They obviously thought they could walk all over you from the start as you were so accommodating and now don't like it that they can no longer treat you like shit since you've started to stand up for yourself.

Keep your chin up and remember that you're a wonderful mum to two beautiful children!
If I was you I'd try and raise the subject of what they did with your solicitor, I'd be concerned about what they tell your DS when he's with them or what lies they might tell him in the future . Especially since you've noted that he misbehaves after seeing your wasteofspace ex.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 09/05/2016 22:41

Two - thank you :)

I have my little diary that I wrote in today. I had the councillor to see if they could reduce the amount of support I get but I'm still far to high/emotional on the pnd scale that they won't even think about it!
I'm just annoyed they haven't seen my daughter in 4 weeks and I'm not that much of a horrible person that I would stop them from coming over if anything I would encourage it! I actually text to say aw see you are in the park.. reply was we are leaving now. I want them to see her I want them to see how amazing she is and how much my son loves her. I am just not willing to sit in the house and don't trust him with the 2 babies.
In a way I don't care what they tell him because when he is old enough to understand and ask I will have all the proof were as they only have word of mouth!
The other thing is he took my son today brings him back tomorrow but he is brining him back early as he is working. This was so he can have a full weekend off!!
When the bloody hell do I get a weekend off? He only sees him one over night how much less time does he want?

OP posts:
twocultures · 09/05/2016 22:47

Just keep at it and note it all down.
By the sounds of this whole situation I keep getting this feeling that in a few years he'll just be this disappearing dad...or hopefully for you an invisible one! It just seems like it'll save you so much hassle.
I just think that he'll eventually get too caught up in his own shitty self as he sounds extremely self centred anyway .

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 09/05/2016 22:50

I wish he would do I now then me and the kids can get our life's sorted and I wouldn't have to worry about the stress 1 day away causes the kids!

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 00:38

I agree with two, he'll flake off eventually. Sooner rather than later if contact becomes at a contact centre or another place of your choosing (i.e., not at his parents). He's shown that he doesn't want to be responsible for them and that his parents are the catalyst of him seeing DS because they want to see DS. Eliminate them from the equation and chances are he'll dwindle down to nil.

The sooner the better.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 10/05/2016 13:01

Yeah I can see it happening too wish I could just say look your not having them and save my sons little heart from being hurt!
I'm really annoyed about his mum! Playing the whole I'm your friend I want to help and be there etc etc then ignore me! She finally showed her true colours I guess

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 10/05/2016 13:03

They are just petty people, rise above them and ignore it.

Did you send your son in nappies or out?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 13:14

Do you know where things stand as far as mediation or formal contact being written up? I know the wheels of justice turn slowly, but the sooner things get going the better.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 10/05/2016 13:23

I am - I sent him in nappies he isn't going to his dad's for a week I and 2 days after today so going to potty train everyday till he's getting it. Then it means when he is there I don't have too much of a worry. I mean I will still worry about the care he will recieve but just as long as it's not a new thing to him and he will be a little more confident.
He is refusing mediation says we have nothing to talk about? My lawyer has asked him 4 times about it and every time he either ignores it or says we don't need to talk. I only have 2 more visits planned with him so as of the end of may I don't know what will be happening. He wants me to just carry on the rotas that I have already and use them for the Forse able future but that doesn't make sense as he never seen ds for the month of March which would technically mean he doesn't see him for the month of June?

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 13:31

Well, if he's refused isn't court the next step? Start whatever proceedings are necessary. Or have your lawyer draft what you want with the addition of 'if you do not agree to abide by this then we will proceed to court'.

Somehow you simply must take the reins into your own hands. I think he's used to running roughshod over you so he simply does not believe that he needs to take your wishes into consideration. He must be made to do so.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 10/05/2016 13:54

Yeah that what it is looking like. I have the lawyer next week because she got called to court today so had to cancel but she just sent a short email stating the contact for baby and if he's not happy with it tuff really.

Yeah I need to bring it to my lawyers attention everything he is supposed to be telling me and he's not. I'm just so fed up of dealing with all of this it never had to be this way but everything we agreed on when he left he has went back on!

My lawyer feels that court will even be a waste of time because he will probably not stick to that either

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/05/2016 15:09

Well, to a certain extent he can be made to stick to it. That's the beauty of court orders. If the order says 'every other weekend overnight for DS and on every Thursday for 3 hours with both children at contact centre' (or whatever) then he either does what the order says or he doesn't see the children. You can be as flexible or inflexible as you choose because you have the 'word of the law' behind you. It gives you back a little control.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 11:25

Yeah me and the lawyer have a feeling he won't even stick to what the judge says :( but worth a try I suppose

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twocultures · 11/05/2016 11:52

Hopefully at least if he won't stick to what the courts say he might flake off even earlier.
If he stops getting everything served on a platter for him and will have to travel to yours (/courts) preferred spot rather than having a private taxi (aka father) bring him his son to where HE is so he can probably spend 10 mins with him and have his private babysitters (aka parents) look after him whilst he focuses on his shitty self (don't forget that he has to "have a life") and then not tell you anything about the care, food and treatment he received whilst he was there. Hopefully once everything he does is monitored and he has to put actual effort in my bet is he won't last long.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 18:33

Hopefully then my little ones won't have to get their little hearts hurt.
I am just waiting for him to say now that you have a car you can bring ds to me as he said this when we discussed contact.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 11/05/2016 18:50

Hi Hurt, it doesn't work like that, he doesn't dictate to you where you drive, if he wants to see the children then he picks up and drops off.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 19:18

Iam - he said it's unfair for me to expect him to come and get the kids every time

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AcrossthePond55 · 11/05/2016 20:10

He can go straight to hell. Why is it unfair exactly? He's the one who left, isn't he? He's the one who made the damned decision that he wanted the single life, isn't he? He's not the one who has to tote around a tiny baby to and fro for these visits, is he?

Fuck him.

Maybe it's time Mummy and Daddy explained to ickle Sonny-boy that 'life's not fair'. You've certainly had to learn that lesson, haven't you? As have the rest of us.

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