Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Has anyone left an unsatisfying but not awful relationship when they have kids? Thats really what has stopped me. DH is not a bad man but I just don't have feelings for him anymore. We haven't had a physical relationship since bfore dd was born 3.5 years ago (we also have an 8 year old). He's pretty much a workaholic and travels a lot and we don't communicate well anyway so now I have little to no emotion left towards him. I don't even like the way he smells anymore. I feel like I am living in limbo, I can't even go an get a job other than a bit of freelance work for a friend online as there in nothing around where we live, all childcare here stops at 4pm and I'm not fluent enough in the local language to work for a local company. I never wanted to move abroad, I wish I'd stood my ground more and divorced him instead of coming. :(

Oh my god. This thread is just owning me. I could have written so much of it.

I am content with DH. Fairly financial secure, he's a good man, a good father.
But I want more. We've been together since I was 17, almost 20 years. I don't know if I can face 30, 40, 50 more years of this. I deserve "happy", not just getting along.

I deserve happy not just getting along THIS.

The kids would be devastated if I split us up. But the thought of another 40 or 50 years of this......we live like flatmates.

Really struggling right now. I am due to move out this weekend and I'm terrified I'm making the wrong choice. We get on brilliantly and day to day we are happy, but we never have sex and aren't 'in love'. We have both cheated and I used to get very low about our problems, but now ironically our relationship is the best it's ever been. I wish so much I'd split up with him years ago, but now we have dd we are such a fab family I go round and round in circles... We are still planning on spending our weekends together with dd, so I'm terrified of either of us finding a new partner which might scupper that, but then if we don't find new partners we might as well have stayed together and it's all been a complete waste of pain and heartache.... Sorry, the reality is just hitting me.

I've been lurking here from the beginning and trying not to cry when I read it. There are too many of us around.
I'm an intelligent, successful woman with a great job that I love and fantastic kids. But I am completely spineless when it comes to standing up to what my marriage has become.
I'm 35 and been with DH for 16 years. I am not the same bright-eyed, idealistic 19 year old. He hasn't really changed much (he is a bit older) but I have. I look at him and I don't like him. I hate his hair, his smell, his phone and stupid iPad online games.

We lead increasingly distant lives and barely interact past talking about the kids or perfunctory comments about dinner or our day. We barely have sex. The thought of him touching me makes me shudder but I have to do it sometimes as not to rock the boat too much.

But, like everyone here, he hasn't really done anything wrong and there is no real reason for me to leave or for us to shatter our family. I wish he'd have an affair- that might make him more interesting. He has no hobbies, no social life, he says he is content and doesn't need anything more. The thought of having to live the next 40 years of my life like this makes me feel like sobbing. Without it being a boast, I've had genuinely nice men be interested in me recently (not just drunk blokes in a club) and I've turned them down. But it does make me wonder if I'm giving up any last chances of starting again by staying in this for much longer.

He's a good dad and the kids love him. But I don't.And I have no clue what to do.

Captainflash, are you me?!

If I left him, I'm not even sure if legally I could bring me and kids back to the UK to live. I'm not sure which countrys law we would have to abide by?

I'm amazed and saddened there are so many of us in this position.

I never realised there were so many women in the same boat.

God I feel a bit sick reading this thread as I recognise myself in so many posts We are living like siblings and someone above said something that really hit home-we are modelling a loveless affectionless marriage to our children. We had a make or break conversation a month or 2 ago and agreed to try again for the kids but really I only agreed because I will hurt him and the kids if I make it permanent. We haven't had sex and I can't bear the thoughts of it. I am the problem there as I have had no sex drive for years and I know he feels if that part of our marriage was on track things would be brilliant. He doesn't seem to realise that this is a symptom rather than the cause.

If you knew DH you would like him-he is funny, generous, kind but he is not like this with me. We have nothing in common and in fact some things he are interested in are abhorrent to me! Our children love him and he is good with them-but on his terms usually.

I have my faults and he would probably lay all the blame with me if we split. I was afraid of that but now I don't care. He is in denial and I just am getting through day by day. I don't want anyone else though and as a pp said being alone and old is a scary thought.

Oh I just don't know! Thanks for sharing your stories

I am sure this feeling is shared by many men too! Unfortunately people grow apart bit for some kids keep them together. My parents being an example and having a thoroughly depressing marriage.

Zola and captainflash. I feel the exact same thing as you and too many others here. I am just existing in marriage and am relieved when dh is not here which is surely not good, but then again now I'm not bothered if I go or stay it is easier to ignore him and stay. Nonsensical or what.
I am amazed how many here have left and found new love. Can I ask where and how did you meet them?
I found it difficult when I was single to find men, separated and with kids and the emotional upheaval of separating I can't imagine being with anyone again or trusting someone and my own and others' judgement.
In a way this is what keeps me in my marriage too, that I don't want anyone else and if I can live without too much interaction and stress with dh then I can go on. That sounds odd but some of you may understand if not agree. I'm not sure I do. Oh for the ideals of my youth!

Firstly, like others have said, if you're going to separate do it for yourself and for your kids. Don't depend on another partner for your self esteem. You can live alone and be a strong independent person.
Separation does not automatically mean devastation to children. They can see both parents, stay with both parents and have brilliant role models in both of you.
As to finding another partner...my theory is that once you break that psychological tie, not only do you see the world anew but you present a different you to the world and it sees you anew. Maybe you give off different vibes, maybe you just lift your head more often, make more eye contact instead of being 'just' a mum, 'just' a wife.

Love and hate this thread!
I wish I wasn't in this position with all of you but so relieved it's not just me!
My dh is unaccepting of it being over. Not in a nasty way really, but frustrating none the less. I think he is more sad of losing the traditional family set up than he is of losing me. If that makes sense.
I'm currently saving to afford to rent a place of my own, to share with dd. There is no way he will move etc.
Also have started buying things like kettle/towels/cups and keeping them at my friends house, just to make the transition easier. I hate that I'm sneaking about but I absolutely can't live the next 50 years of my life like this.

Hiddlesnake if your name is linked to that divine specimen that is Tom Hiddleston, I could be easily persuaded that we are the same person! PM if you'd like to. It's helpful to talk these feelings through with others.

It is both comforting and depressing to hear of so many in the same predicament. I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't leave yet or make him leave him either. I'm trying to make plans to be better off for when it happens. A better job so I can be more financially secure, learning to drive- that kind of thing. When this happens though, I don't know. All I do know is that I can't stay like this forever. Nor do I want it to get better. People say I should give him a chance, a chance to improve and make things right. The thing is bough, I don't want it to. It's too far gone. But I guess I owe it to the children to try at least.

I will say that although I mentioned other men, this is in no way a 'finding a happy ever after' plan or wanting to jump straight in with anyone else. I am more than capable of looking after myself. I've been doing it for the last 16 years! I just meant it in the idea that I don't want to waste anymore of my 'good' years being so bloody miserable. I could fall in love again. I could have more children. I don't rule that out. But it's not what I'm looking for.
Take care y'all!

Oh no don't hate the sneaking (he may be doing some as well), the first thing I got when I decided to leave exH was my very own complete set of tools as a small symbol that I was progressing on my route out. Getting a job and a car came next, as soon as I could afford to.

Interestingly, I realised once that I was on my own, that he had been putting money away for a long time, he also cancelled all the insurances we had in place without telling me, months before I realised. The only insurance that he kept (and took the paperwork with him) was the one that would cover the remaining of the mortgage in the even of my death!

But I can assure you, it was a friendly split, really, I thought we were the best of friends until I grew up a spine after the split and stopped agreeing with him on EVERYTHING he wanted. Then he showed me who he was in reality, warts and all... and interestingly, he was NOT at all the loving very involved parent I thought he was. The signs were there but someway I decided to block them out.

Reading this thread I'm shocked at seeing some people who think they are rubbing along without intimacy or talking much to each other. That is not rubbing along, it is called indifference.

Surely this was just life for the majority of generations before us? People didn't expect to be head over heels in love, having hot sex for the rest of their days?
Are we too spoilt now?
I don't know it makes me a bit sad to think people who get on and have a decent life throw it away and mess up their kids' liveson the off chance of something better?
I know this doesn't apply to all, or even most of the responses on here but it's something I've observed in real life and on here. And no, I don't know all the details-Am just musing.

I was in this situation with someone a few years ago. Finishing it was really hard and, I felt, a gamble at the time, but I knew soon after that I had made the right decision. The catalyst for me was developing feelings for someone else. I knew that, if I was able to do that, I shouldn't be in the relationship with the man I was living with. It took me a while to decide what to do but I broke it off in the end, which was a lengthy process (house sale etc). He is now married with kids. We still speak occasionally and everytime I speak to him I am so relieved I am not with him now. He is a nice guy but was not for me.

I have had a few short relationships since but am now on my own again. I'd rather be on my own than with someone I'm not happy with but I do wish I could meet someone.

To all those who have said they are in this situation now, would anyone looking in from the inside think you are all very happy? I am constantly seeing Facebook posts from happy families - which just ends up inviting comparison with my own solitary state.

I wonder the same thing wandering, but then I think maybe the reason I've ended up in a sibling style relationship is because my parents also had that kind of relationship. I can't remember ever seeing them kiss or hug. So I don't want dd to repeat that. But then, my sister is in a romantic and sexual relationship with an arsehole, so maybe my theory is nonsense!
I do worry I'm throwing away everything on the off chance of love and sex. Unlike some others on this thread we talk lots and like each other very much. I just feel so low when I think about never experiencing love or good sex, and I don't want dd to have a depressed mum either (my mum and dad were clearly unhappy and that definitely affected me). As you can see I go around in circles.

Wanderingwondering, the main reason why bad marriages lasted in the past ,was that most women were SAHMs and uneducated, therefore unable to make a living and support their children without the support of a man.

Thankfully, things are VERY different nowadays, because most women are educated to at least a level that allow them to find a basic job, and many are self sufficient already. No need to put up with unhappiness to avoid poverty or social stigma.

This thread is really helpful: thanks for starting it OP.

I'm sure many still do put up with relationships that leave them feeling empty for all sorts of reasons, but I've lately been feeling quite strongly that 40 is too young to give up entirely on sex, and to only get physical affection from my children.

We haven't had sex since my DD was born (5 and a half years ago), and when he's around it feels as though there's a black cloud hanging over the house.

He's stressed about work (always) and that translates into sniping and carping at me, and generally making me feel like a substandard employee.

I'm typing this after a miserable Easter weekend, with me longing for him to go back to work so it could just be & the DCs.

The idea of them moving out and him retiring fills me with horror.

It's not always this bad, but it regularly is.

Feel like an arse for marrying him, when I knew how dreadful his mother was, and now he's turning into her!

Sorry for rant, but like I said it's been a trying weekend.

Sorry for all those in the same position as me x

If I leave this marriage it will be for my sanity and for the kids as I'm sure the arguments , coldness, lack of affection etc is no picnic for them. I don't want anyone else and because of my issues with sex I'm unlikely to even try dating etc. My husband is the only person I've been with and the sex is pretty awful when it does happen. I'm a bit distanced from it all and can't imagine ever feeling the need for a new partner other than for companionship.

That's another reason that we don't get on-he has no interest in travel, theatre, food, walks, family days out, family time at home...basically we have nothing in common.

I could probably stick it out for a few more years but I hear over and over again about people who experienced bad marriages from the perspective of children and resented their parents for staying together so it's a tough call.

If anyone ever wants to chat I'm here

Lots of this ringing true for me although I would only admit it here. In fact, I hadn't acknowledged it until I read this. We have has a rough few years with three huge evebts (death) . I feel detached from him. Our sex life is non existent. Particualrly in the last few years. He is a lovely man but there is just something not there anymore. I can't be sure if it's not to do with what we have been though though.