Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

I did. My marriage was fine, no better than that. He was a binge drinker and we had big problems because of that at times, but otherwise rubbed along quite well and had done for 10 years. We didn't communicate very well, if at all, I felt more like a mother than a wife at times and sex was a bit boring. Ultimately we also didn't have a lot in common, which didn't matter at 21 but did at 31.

All that said, we were OK and probably still would be but I felt deeply unsatisfied and lonely. I used to fantasise about us splitting up and even hoped he would have an affair so I had a reason to leave. I don't think I had been 'in love' for a while to be honest.

He, and lots of other people, was shocked when I ended it. So was I really. But I just couldn't do another 50 years of just 'OK', it seemed like a prison sentence. We had no kids although we were ttc, and I think that solidified my need to get out. We had a relatively amicable divorce. I kept our flat, he walked away and I now haven't seen him for about 5 years.

I have never doubted my decision for a second. I met my now DH very shortly after and we married a couple of years ago. This marriage is light years away from my first one, they don't even compare. I am so so much happier than I ever thought I could be or would be. I feel a love for my husband that I never felt for the ex and and more 'myself' than I was in that marriage too.

I am so relieved I got divorced, I sometimes think of the life I could be having with my ex and I shudder. It would have been so boring.

Totally. It feels like I'd just be sitting them down and punching them right in their lovely little faces. :(

Gah! What to do!

Yep. Realised I didn't love him anymore after years of jogging along. We talked and stayed together for a while for the children and for financial reasons but I became increasingly uncomfortable living with this illusion and when I started talking about separate rooms, going out with new friends and just really separating myself emotionally, his reaction made me realise I couldn't continue that way.
I too got little support or attempt at understanding from friends or family. He played the martyr despite acknowledging it was over and had been for years. He has made the children quite uncomfortable too by moping, asking them for hugs and going into moods whenever they mention my name.
At first I was completely adamant that I wouldn't get into another relationship and was totally confident about going it alone but I unexpectedly met someone else and fell in love-head over heels. This fact has complicated matters as exP, friends and family sometimes paint it as me leaving exP for another man.
I am much, much happier now although financially it's disastrous.

The children coped very well btw. They took it all on board so easily it made me wonder if in fact my lack of a proper relationship with exP made it quite natural to them to see us separate.
They now see me with my boyfriend in a happy, physical, warm fun relationship which I think is important and healthy for them.

That is really interesting -- my OH and I are almost doing a kind of shared custody at the moment, even though we're together. Each of us has various out of the house activities, so one of us might be home with the kids one night, and then vice versa the next. They don't really see us do much together, which makes me think maybe we're in a similar position to you, FFM.

Please don't let telling the children put you off
My dcs coped extremely well (although I know others who haven't) I think if you can be flexible about contact, sensible about child related things, and not slag the other one off in front of the children they manage much better.
Me and exh go to parents Eve and concerts together despite the fact that we really don't like each other and he makes my skin crawl

I appreciate not everyone can do this and you can't control how the other one reacts and behaves

Yep, me.
I married DS Dad aged 19, we broke up 6 years later and divorced. We've been split officially fora few years now. He was older than me, i changed so much in those years of marriage and he seemed to "stagnant" in life. I told him i was struggling with the marriage but he buried the problems and didn't want to try anything or change things. DS was 8 at the tiem which was difficult but he accepted everything no problem.
Me and exH get on better now, we share custody 50/50, everyone is happy. I've had one relationship since which lasted about 2 years, exH not been with anyone new til recently.
I was racked with guilt about splitting the family, but I am SO much happier now. I used to be miserable and snappy with DS, I hated weekends and evenings.. It's so much better now :)

A lot of these scenarios sound like they have really worked out.

I don't regret splitting up for a minute, what I regret is waiting so long to do it. I would be in a much better position if I had left him years before I did.

See, I hear stuff like that and it just seems so obvious. We've even talked about it in the abstract when we came close to divorcing last year. We agreed it would be better to recognise it wasn't working and to do it now, rather than slog on for another 10 years and waste our 40s when we could be finding more happiness with others. Instead we did Relate, which was actually helpful and did (I think) improve things. But still, the feeling lingers...

Yeah, we wasted 6 years in Relate. The counselours couldn't understand how a couple who were so considerate to each other could want to be divorced (it was only me who wanted the divorce, but they certainly talked us out of it for a good few years).

It may be that it seems like the counselling is working, but in reality, you are just letting off a bit of steam during the sessions, which prevents the things from exploding for a bit longer. But if you really have fallen out of love, the thing is going to explode sooner or later, as you will find it increasingly difficult to feel forced to stay with a person you don't enjoy being with anymore.

OP.

What happened with us? He was unfaithful ( putting it mildly). I found out everything. Two days later he was out. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone. Finding out how I did was awful. The ending was uber abrupt which meant it impacted the children. Overall I am so so sad that it ended the way it did. Has made a mockery of what we had together.

For those of you saying DC's cope. Yes they do. Mine have had no choice, but OP go into this with your eyes wide open. My DC's are incredibly sad. 7 months in and reality has set in that this is it for the rest of our lives. I see my children a lot less, as does he. Dating with children is HARD. Not many men want to be with a woman who has kids. Especially boys if I'm frank.

Am I happier? Absolutely yes I am.
However, do I wish he'd told me how deeply unhappy he was? Absolutely. I would have tried everything and if it hadn't worked, then the ending would have been far more amicable.

For anyone in this situation and living in sexless marriages I beg you to open your eyes. If they're not getting sex at home, they are highly likely to be getting it elsewhere. Yes I could have a skewed view but unless there are medical issues they are getting their kicks somewhere.
Don't do a me and bury your head in the sand, this unhappiness won't just magically go away.

I don't agree that 'not many men want to date women with kids'

Even the men I dated who didn't have kids didn't see it as a problem
And my now dp was specifically looking for a woman who had kids as he had 3 and didn't want any more. A woman without would have been a deal breaker for him

mozzchops I think it depends on age. I am late thirties. If I try and meet people a similar age to me, they either don't have children (and therefore want some of their own) or have children but are having a post marriage binge of dating women 10 years younger (surrounded by colleagues doing just that).
If I chat to people 5- 10 years older than me then it changes as they have older children and are not looking to have more.

I'm not by any means saying it's impossible, but it is a lot harder to date once you have children.

Yes - I was unhappy for a long time. I was never really in love with him but he was very dependent on me. We rarely had sex, although we got on fine on a day to day basis. He had an alcohol problem which I got utterly sick of. He was devastated when we split, and still struggles, although we are both in other relationships. The relationship I am in now is amazing. Things are not easy with children but I could imagine myself staying with him forever to keep him and them happy which is exactly what my mum has done, and me and my sisters would much rather she had split with our dad and given them both a chance of happiness.

We're plodding along. 25/6 years now. Low-grade mainly emotional abuse for a long time which is getting worse. Nothing particularly extreme, although the odd breakage of things after drinking. Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. Like slow torture really. Good sex when it happens - last time was 18 months ago

DS now 18 & I'm seriously considering getting out. DH knows this but is like a rabbit in the headlights when I try to discuss what makes me (& consequently him) unhappy.

I'm in the same position, deeply unhappy. We don't communicate well and it feels like we have separate lives but live in the same house.

We have a DD, I'll take her out one day and he'll do work and then he'll take her out the next so I can work/clean!

We haven't shared a bed in over 3 years- due to his snoring and our drifting apart.

We have just started counselling and it's interesting what people are saying about it letting off steam, but the issues still being there. I can't see how we can reconnect, he has hidden debt from me and run up debt in my name. I have lost all trust in him.

I have started to make plans for a split including getting myself into a more financially stable place.

I am very concerned how our DD will cope, not so much with us being apart as i think she is very used to doing things separately. It's the time away from me, the fact she will be in wrap around care and we will probably have to move house. I feel
I am about to rip the rug from under her.

That sounds tough, but you also sound confident that this is the right decision for you. Good luck.

What will you do all0vertheplace ?
Its not a decision I took lightly but I do feel happier and as a single parent I have more time for my kids and we talk more - they have even commented that I don't shout at them like I used to!

My exh still hassles me via text - wallowing in his self pity even over a year on saying my new partner isn't good enough for me ffs!! Its my decision now Im a grown up and can make my own decisions arghhh!!

Even if I didn't have anew partner I think I would be quote content on my own for the time being.

confusedandupset I'm on the verge of leaving for the same reason.

He's not the man I fell in love with, he's so negative and 'aggy' but mainly he has refused point blank to us having our 2nd and final child.
He had a vasectomy against my wishes and now refuses to even discuss a reversal or anything at all actually.

I don't know if I'm being incredibly selfish in considering leaving him and tearing apart our family because of my desire/need for another child and a loving relationship.

I married on the rebound from an emotionally and financially abusive short first marriage. To a friend I had known for a long time.
I struggled inwardly for over 15 years knowing that although my second husband is kind, interesting, thoughtful etc I just didn't love him in a wifely sort of way if that makes sense. We jogged along until the children were late teens/early 20's. I should point out that my husband was fully aware that I didn't have the same feelings for him as he did for me but accepted that and wanted us to stay married.
I had an epiphany about 12 years ago and realised I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life. I had no children still at home so moved out into a rented house.
Obviously there were difficulties at first, but eventually things sorted themselves out and we now live in 2 separate houses and get on really well as good friends.

I don't think I could have made this change though if I had young children. The only times it becomes a bit difficult now is when adult children and grandchildren visit, sometimes having to split their time between 2 houses.

Also, about 11 years ago I met the love of my life by sheer chance and we live happily together ever after.

It's really interesting to read Sassy's comments. It's rare for posters to acknowledge that separation can be devastating for children. I'm not saying that people should stay together for the children but rather that when all you hear is the upbeat message, children are adaptable etc, it makes it hard to relate to the advice.

I just want to caveat my post (slightly).

Yes my DC's are devastated. 7 months in and no one has recovered (not me, not them) the happiness we had as a family.
There are happy times: they have a great time when they see their dad, the quality of that interaction has increased when they are there.
They have fun times with me and my family.
I have fun: spending time with friends and cultivating new hobbies etc.
But we will never ever recover what we had. That family home. Of course that has devastated them, it's devastated me.
They were never exposed to abuse / arguments or anything. So from their perspective they went from a loving family where mum and dad was the center of their world to a world where that will never ever be the same again.

Of course it is different for those children who are in an unhealthy environment and I can only speak from my personal experience.
This absolutely leaves scars on children. And it does devastate them. To say otherwise IMO is ludicrous. The extent to which it hurts them is down to the adults who surround them.
Will they be ok long term? I hope so. But I can hand on heart say this.

Had my STBXH not crossed such a big line, I am 99.9% sure I wouldn't be pushing through with the divorce. The guilt of seeing the devastation on my kids faces would have made me backtrack.

My experience isn't relevant to the original question, but having read the thread I'd like to add how much I agree with TooSassy. I left when my youngest was 18, having discovered my husband's serial unfaithfulness. Although my children completely supported and understood my decision it was still a huge and devastating thing in their lives. My daughter described it as a bereavement. I would say to anyone who is thinking of splitting up just because they feel 'unsatisfied' please think twice and consider trying to work on the marriage, especially if your children are young. You made the decision to marry this man and have children with him. Subsequently you owe them your best shot at it.

I mean both partners of course.