Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

So. Today started with DH waking me up for snoring which woke me up completely. 5:30. Couldn't get back to sleep so stormed downstairs like he does sometimes to give him a taste of his own medicine. Turned into a torrent of abuse including fuck words. How the kids didn't wake up I will never know.
No apology. Nothing. In car. How I managed NOT to crash - big argument about how he gets up all week and needs a lie in. Normally he's up at the crack of dawn so bit confused.. I just ended up telling him to "fuck off".
Took DC to parks and then over my Dads.
Dad telling me that this is a short time. I can work through this. I can give 11 years to see this marriage work.
Came home. He was on computer and normal regime proceeded.
Hope you are all ok

Oh, we had a very ackward dinner out. I'm trying very hard to be casual for our child's sake, it was something his immediate family organised and I was invited and expected to attend. Because we all had a laugh and chose to talk about pleasant, happy things and tease the children and just have a nice time, he went on a sulk. My god did he make it ackward for everybody!!!
I think he was expecting a public crucification of his STBXW, we chose to be civil and celebrate our children so he tried to draw all the attention onto him and how miserable he is feeling.
Hmmmm, I plan to include him in our DD's celebrations and birthdays and milestones, but if he's going to try and ruin it every time, I'll tell him to take a hike next time.
Anyway, I'm starting packing this weekend. Less than 5 weeks of this!

Another update from me. This has turned into somewhat of a diary for me (sorry Over). I'm glad I have somewhere as a record.
So today I had a car bump. DH wanted to get his DDad a CD from a shop a bit out of the way. Even though he's had weeks to get him something. Anyway I crashed, completely stressed. All ok. I will have to pay cash I guess.
Drop him at parents with 1 DC and I got to my Dads with 1 DC. Total breakdown at Dads. I seem to have spent the entire weekend crying. Not good. Apparently so DDad thinks I am no good at focusing or listening. After all the 'you made your bed' conversation I said to my Dad "Why would you live with someone who is dragging you down and sucking the life from you - why would you do that?".

Awful evening. DH has been a total lazy c**nt tonight and tried to make amends later on but I refused to acknowledge his communication (which has totally broken down incidentally), so he went to bed at 8:15 in our bed. I feel like a complete fuck up so why I think I deserve more - I have no idea.
Even though my DDad is banging on at me that I have to save this for the kids. I don't think I can mentally/physically. I just want him gone. I have lost so much weight. I look sick. I look poorly.
Off to bed with DD
Hope you have had a better weekend than me

Reading everyone's accounts.

Iron - yep ,I think our situation is similar. I say "this, and this, and this..." and he says "that, and that, and that...'. Lots' of upset and drama.

Then, nothing, business as usual.

8 not long to go.

Hang in there.

Iron, I' sorry for your shitty weekend.

However, selfishly, I am focussed on that you lose weight with this? Goodness.

I'm fecking massive a bit too tubby. Every cloud.

Iron the one helpful thing that came out of my counselling was being told 'you matter'and if you don't start considering yourself and carry on as we are I will make myself ill. This really sounds like where you are now. Please don't listen to your DDad no more. He has his views but your needs are important and you must choose the path for you, not put up with things at the cost of your health. Everything else will follow just make up your mind and take the steps you need to get there, however fast or slow.
My progress is very slow. I think I've decided on splitting but annoyingly this has meant were getting on better and I know he won't get it. It's easy to carry on day by day especially by avoiding each other and keeping busy bug I know this can't go on and long term we need to split. Small progress.

Morning all, hope that the grim weather isn't getting you down too badly. I am finding myself pretty affected by it. Hard to be cheery when it's so relentlessly gloomy out.

Mixed bag of a weekend -- some old friends from overseas came down to visit on Saturday. These were our closest pals when we lived out in the States, and so on the one hand it was nice to see them, but on the other it was a sad reminder of happier times. Then yesterday was Father's Day, so we went on a family picnic to the beach (STBXW included) and managed to have a nice, functional kind of day. One week since I moved out. I have this weird weak feeling in the muscles of my wrists and hands, like they're kind of numb and limp. Checked it out online and apparently it can be a sign of anxiety. That figures. Counselling starts on Wed.

Overall just not really recognising/liking many aspects of my life right now. Job, house, finances, mood, etc. I'm at the point where, if my life were an Etch-a-Sketch drawing, I would happily just shake the whole thing blank and draw something else instead.

That's a great image, All.

Anxiety's inevitable, everything is up in the air. Will take a while for it all to float down into place. Hope you like your counsellor.

I've spoken to my GP this morning. Am going to give him a chance to sort this out. Had a chat with him about how he has abandoned us and broken his marriage vows a long, long time ago.

He siad he was too buys to talk, but, maybe tonight.

Be still, my beating heart.

I'll do all the things I can to save this marriage - not because I think it can be, but, because I want a clear conscience when I tell my kids "I tried everything". I can live with that. In reality, I have shut myself off from him.

Hi everyone
I've not posted on this thread for a while, but have been reading.
It's sad but comforting to know I'm not alone.
Feeling pretty bleak today.
We went as a family to a friends last night for a bite/drinks.
Ended up telling our friends that things are not good (understatement!!) but it's a start. I told them that on the surface nothing will change, but that we are emotionally separated. They did not look surprised.

Some days, it all seems manageable, and I have hopes for a happy future, a fulfilling relationship. Today is not one of those days.

to everyone on here.

Hey guys, I posted first about 10 pages back, but been reading from day 1 - wow this thread is popular!

All0vertheplace hope you had a nice father's day, the picnic sounds nice and glad you could do it all together. Sorry to hear about the anxiety but I guess feeling that way is normal, you are under a lot of stress but you're doing brilliantly! This weather doesn't help, but just think there will be lots of nice sunny days when you have a free weekend to spend with friends/new people and have some 'summer fun' this time will be the hardest for you! Especially when there may be some built up anger/animosity between you and STBXW, in time that will calm down, but everything is so new right now.

IronNeonClasp been reading your posts since the start, huge hugs to you. Sorry to hear about the most recent argument and the crash, hope you are ok. I am the opposite to you, I tend to gain weight from all the stress. Look after yourself!

UpYerGansey Hugs, that's my biggest dread, telling mutual friends. Although I suppose as your friends were not shocked it would seem they sensed something already. I'm in the same situation, hoping thing will become fulfilling and happy when deep down I know they won't.

I haven't posted in a while as I was trying to plod along and pretend everything is fine, I mean on a day to day basis things are bearable but I rarely feel happy any more. Father's day yesterday, we gave OH some gifts and home made cards, he gave the boys a huge hug and kiss and I'm just stood there thinking how I can't remember the last time I got a hug, kiss, anything from him.

Slept in bed alone again last night, this is almost normal now as OH falls asleep on sofa most evenings. Whilst it is horribly lonely, the worst thing is the fact that i prefer it! I dream about being with someone else or having my own place, which feels amazing, although I know in reality it wouldn't be as easy at it would be in my head.

Sad thing is, I'd stay if he could become more affectionate and loving, but we broke up before kids over this, and he changed for a bit but slowly without me realising it's gone back to this. I crave a physical relationship that I know i'll never have if I stay with him, and I know if I don't leave him in the near future I'll end up being tempted by someone else.

Shandy we got on better when we had emotionally detached. We could pass the time of day with relative ease. I certainly felt less stressed as our relationship became more administrative in its focus.

Yes he still riles me no end, and has been a complete turd. Yet still, he'll be in my life forever therefore I'd better get on with being less angry with him

New to the thread. I'm also in a similar situation, my DP is a decent guy but we don't have anything to say to each other anymore and I'm happier when I imagine leaving. I'm reluctant to do it, because I would have to rent and therefore probably leave the kids and dogs with him because I couldn't afford 3 bedrooms. He doesn't seem to get it though, about a month ago we had an argument and I started looking at rentals, and the next day he acted like everything was fine. Basically if I'm not shouting at him he seems to think we're ok. I just try to be civil in front of the kids, and I feel like there is no point in saying anything because he won't take it seriously, I need to just leave...

He's not back from work this evening,which is disappointing as I thought he would want to watch the football with our boys. No text or call, and I feel bad because I know it is because he feels like I don't care, but I do care for the children's sake if not my own.

Haven't posted here for a while either & am feeling very dispirited too. Was all set up to have The Conversation about a month ago & had it sorted in my mind what I was going to say.

Then 2 days before I planned to do it, he comes in from work saying he thinks he's going to be fired as his depression is really bad. Cue a GP visit & starting anti-depressants. So I didn't have the Conversation. Luckily he didn't lose his job & his boss is being understanding.

It'll be interesting to see what happens when the anti-depressants kick in. Will he suddenly become Mr Engaged, Willing & Interested? Because from my point of view, he checked out a long time ago. He's never really stepped up in terms of family life, and I'm fed up juggling it all. I'm not sure that depression alone explains his behaviour over the last 10+ years.

So many times over the years I've told him that I'm fed up of being responsible for almost all of the parenting stuff, as well as working & doing the vast majority of the domestic shite.

However life after separation would just involve more of the same, apart from doing it in poverty. I don't think my overall life & happiness would be improved by separation, as he works such long hours that he'd only have the DC alternating fortnights at weekends. Childcare costs would be at least £1600 per month, and I would only earn 2.1k working full-time. Mortgage here is 1K, would need to sell. Just doesn't add up financially to leave.

Feeling very sad, trapped, resentful.

Mr & Mrs - Call the Mediator. New programme on BBC2 Tuesday at 9. Might be interesting.

SauvignonPlonker have you checked Entitled to
to see what extra benefits you'd be able to claim?
You may be worse off financially, but emotionally you'll be so much better off. I can't remember who said it, but someone up thread said to never forget that you are important and deserve to be happy

I'd also advise getting some legal advice too before resigning yourself to a life of misery. I put up with crap for years as I had it drilled into me that I wouldn't cope, couldn't afford to leave etc but on obtaining legal advice the situation wasn't quite as bleak as had been made out. Yes I won't have quite the life I had but like pp said, what I've gained in emotional and mental strength and happiness has more than made up for less money.

Quelle surprise - DH failed to follow through on his promise to talk and be sober last night.

I trying to resist emailing him my list of "unreasonable behaviour" claims at work, which is spiteful of me. I'd only email it to him to hurt him, and, the bloke's working hard to earn money to pay our bills. Besides, IT can read his emails, he'd never forgive me.

But, fecking hell, I want to make him suffer...that's just not very nice, is it?

So, I'm posting it here instead. There is no coming back from this, is there?

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have a sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with associated verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of our children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has thrown up. He has never come to a parents' night, a hospital appointment and has been positively obstructive with my trying to juggle family life and our middle child's ill health.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become, and have a mother who is mentally unwell.

We are a poor model for our children to see. I do not want them thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like. I would prefer for our children to be happy"

I feel quite sick. What a fucking mess.

Feeling the same as everyone else. Fantasy I can really relate to you.

Can I just ask though does anyone else get upset reading all the posts about husbands walking out (whether it be through cheating, unhappy or whatever) and some women on here totally & utterly anihalte the husband (I get they have done the wrong thing), saying take him to the cleaners, give him nothing, tell the kids it's all his fault etc. It upsets me as I'm so worried because I'm going to be the one ending the marriage so if my H posted on here would he be given the same advice as he could quite easily post as the injured party ie my wife does not love me. I think I'm waffling now :/

stealth

Stealth I'm sorry if I have missed some previous posts - you may have already answered this - but why are you still with him? It seems you have a very accurate summing up there and you clearly know what the answer is. I'm not saying it would be easy but fucking hell your life now isn't easy is it?

We just can't afford financially to split.

Someone would have to live in a bedsit. We can barely afford our life as it is, without adding another (no matter how small) household on.
Neither of us deserve that.

It's absolutely shit.

UpYer yep. Spent a lot of time thinking about the financial side of things. We could never afford two properties. Both work full time so there are no incentives for us even tho we are pretty much skint month after month. Hurumph