Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Glad/sad that so many people are relating to this thread.

Yes I did. I had loads of threads about it at the time (nc now)

Some people were quick to point the finger and beat me over the head with my marriage vows. But yes it was boring, unsatisfying and frustrating in equal measure.

Like others he lacked ambition to better things and was just always a drag to be around.

I left, spent time alone and loved it. I then got some time back for myself and started dating again.

I remarried and couldn't be happier

I think marriage changes men - my exh seemed to be a great bloke and we were happy then we got married and he seemed to turn into a lazy slob with no interests and no ambition. I thought marriage was about 2 people growing together and flourishing, I grew but he didn't he just stayed as a man-child ever dependent on me but not even satisfied that what I was doing was for us as a family.
He just got jealous and ridiculed me, never seemed to back me up, always twisted things against me and this was a bloke who was so laid back and happy go lucky to all is mates and his family!!
Since splitting 18 mths ago, I've grown further - I'm self sufficient and my kids are happy, now I've met someone who genuinely cares for me, ME!! Thinks about me and talks to me like an adult which is a complete U turn on what I've been used to.
Exh hates it and gives me so much grief says I need my head looking at and that I'm an idiot?!! yea an idiot for putting up with his passive aggressive rubbish for so long!!

So to all the doubters - leave!! You don't have to put up with your h's awful behavior - if anything they are scared of you being better off without them.

Wow! You definitely seem like it was the right move for you. I guess looking back from where you are now, you have so much clarity on the old relationship.

Needresolution-
Your story gives me soooo so much hope!
Feel in a bad place mentally today, knackered from doing everything, not sleeping, emotionally exhausted but this thread is helping a lot!

The fact there are so many people in the same position is really interesting and explains a lot of stuff. It contributes to the prevalence of infidelity, a sneaky, subconscious choice rather than break up families, and the way we are asking different things from relationships just because of liberation, choice and living longer.

I'd point out that many people scared to leave unsatisfying marriages are scared because they don't think there'd be anyone else out there. But the reason for that is that everyone here is staying in marriages in which they are unhappy, thus not freeing up the unavailable men! If there was a move on way or the other culturally, things would become clearer! As Esther Perel points out historically, America has always made the taboo infidelity, whereas in certain European cultures, divorce is the taboo. Britain is somewhere in between, unhelpfully.

There is a massive amount of evidence that suggests that women lose interest in men far quicker than men lose interest in their partners. 'fall out of love' as it were. It's possible that for many people, unless the matches are very good and the circumstances and attention paid to the relationship of a very high order, that many women feel love start to 'fade' after the first few years. It might be we need to start looking at the realities of marriages and relationships running into the decades as we live much longer and women particularly need to be honest about what they want and are prepared to put up with long term and at what cost.
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

I'm not scared there's no-one else out there.

If I didn't have children I'd leave him like a shot.

I just don't want to break their hearts unless I feel I have no other tenable option.

God - so much of this strikes a chord with me - especially the "black cloud" thing.

One thing I want to add; I am older than most of you I guess (50's) and I have just got to the point where I can't bear to think of spending the rest of my life like this. I don't hate him but he is unsociable, awkward and controlling - has life got nothing else in store for me than living like this? If you are still young, really do your best to save, improve your job prospects etc. so that it will be easier for you to move on from a position of strength.

I am really seriously thinking about moving out now - it's just trying to actually build up my courage to actually do it.

My ex is the kindest, loveliest man I've ever met and I feel lucky to have DC with him. But our romantic relationship has run its course. We get on very well and I will never stop loving him.

And for those of you worrying that there's no-one else out there, the world is crawling with divorcees! It's far easier to date now than when I was young...

Boopsy I'm thinking the same as you why should I hurt him, our families and kids because I'm not that happy and I don't know if I'll be that much happier outside of the relationship.
One thing and naice thank you for your positive thoughts.

How is everyone doing today? Have you been (as I have) sort of monitoring your dynamic with your OH in the light of the comments on this thread? Any lightbulb moments?

Can I join please? Even though me and dh split over a year ago my doing as I realised I was just unhappy he is a lovely guy but there was no affection and I felt neglected but smothered as he was all ways there all the time (I do like my own space) no individual social life at that point! It took me a while to realise I was depressed I had work problems as well! I have a child from a previous relationship which he adores and she him! He started the divorce proceedings but has now put it on hold as he wants us to try again and things will be different! Any one had something similar and went back and things were ok? I haven't read the whole thread yet!!

We sort of made an effort after initially realising there were problems but no. It just prolonged the agony. He does make my flesh crawl.

I remember on one of these threads being told that I had made my bed and I should lie in it.
I argued that I needed fresh sheets. So I did. I tried and tried but eugh it didn't work.

I also remember asking why should 4 of us be unhappy forever? Because honestly nobody was really happy. The kids were too young to understand really but my negativity oozed out of me.

Best thing I did was split up. He never would. But he didn't even bother to stay and fight. We were just drifting.

I've been monitoring things, I downloaded a diary notepad app and am making comments in in most days. Positives and negatives. Been doing it for a week and there's not many positives in it, he's not made much effort at all.

I was going to have "the talk" with mine last week but I just couldn't be bothered. I told him we needed to talk and he was like why there's nothing wrong it's all in your head so I thought why bother.

I went out on weds for the first time in months and he was drunk when I came home. I asked my DC what they had been doing I was only gone 2.5 hours and see said daddy was on his PS3. As soon as I came in DC wanted food and drink so obviously not been fed or watered.

His drinking is getting to me, we had words last week and it got better but he's still drinking too much, gaming all the time or asleep. I'm so fed up

So things came to a bit of a head - I got very angry at another little thing that he hadn't done and I had been stewing over. DH was devastated that I thought he wasn't doing enough, has promised to "be better", take some pressure off me, keeps telling me that I'm his world, how much he loves me. I had trouble saying it back. I'm trying the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. I told him that I am not happy, not just in an angry way, but in a deeply unfulfilled way.
Only time will tell if he continues to make an effort and if this improvement can change the way I feel.

He kept saying "It's not intentional!" and that the crux of the issue - there is NO intention, no thought.

My saving is going quite well :) slowly bug surely. I think I should be set by July.

It makes me absolutely livid that mine appears to make the effort whilst actually not.
Like he made a big song and dance that he had hoovered and mopped (not something I would show off about!) But left a rank bucket of water in the hall for me to dispose of. He bought dd a magazine this morning but wouldn't let her open it until I had seen it. He 'let' me have a lie on on my birthday, but rattled in and out of the bedroom for 2 hours.
I want to scream when he tells me he loves me. This isn't love.

I was in a bit of a state yesterday but I'm much more positive today.

A weird thing that I'm looking forward to is having my own choice of food in the fridge, I hate the house being packed full of pizza and biscuits and oven food, with nothing proper to eat. He pitches a fit if I try to make a nice salad or fresh pasta, won't eat my baking.
So yeah, excited for the contents of my future fridge!

Oh yes, the fridge. As soon as ex moved out I devoted a weekend to arrange the house my way, give it a good clean and pack the fridge with lovely healthy food.

You are not going to believe this, but he came into the house wearing shoes with dog poo and, while I was visiting my friend he took all the stuff he liked from the house, even the full content of the fridge I just had bought and drove with it to his home.

And I was still stupid enough to still call him my "best friend" for a couple of years more.

I almost had a follow up talk tonight but the tele was too gripping, the police drama. Grr.
It's the same as runningbug tho' last time I talked he hardly responded other than to say oh not this again!
And yes hiddlesnake it is so the unintention, the lack of any thought or care!
Awoof and Meandmy I have so much of my stuff in the house I would like to take it all. Dh moved in with 2 bags 11 years ago, but honestly I wouldn't want to stay in the house as it's very much his on the outside, next to his mother etc even though rents are crazy and I don't know how I'll afford it without depleting all my savings. How do people split stuff it's so hard esp wedding presents?!

I want the stuff I came in with definitely. The bed, sofas and fridge and plates/bowls. The nice bits like blankets and candles etc.
He will be most concerned about the tv. He's welcome to it.
It is down to me to buy dds second set of bedroom furniture etc, as his mum bought alot when she was born.
So nice to have you all to talk to openly.
Sometimes I find myself thinking he must be absolutely mad to settle for this life. I know it's easy for him, but is this really all he wants??

Awoof I believe they just want a easy life.
No nagging, food and laundry done and to basically be mothered.
I think the bury there heads in the sand and there fingers in there ears and just plod on with life.

Does anyone else think they are just another mother to there men?
Mine was living alone previous and his flat was neat and tidy and he cooked cleaned and was always on time.

He does nothing now and when he does he makes such a bad job of it. Unless I organize his life things get forgotten.

His hobby entails him booking events and quite often he will say can you do it. I give him the bank card and say organize it yourself as its nothing to do with me. Well the amount of times he's paid and missed events by not writing down the date, turning up to the wrong place, given the wrong address to get the info and I have to run around and sort it all out. Drives me utterly mad.

I've been getting wound up the last couple of weeks as we share no interests so I may say oh so and so is doing xyz and he will just say "I don't care" it doesn't impact his life.

I'm not interested on how many kills you've got on call of duty and no I don't want to watch the replay of it but would never dream of saying that!