Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

I've been looking at the 'Advice from people in happy relationships' thread and making a Word doc with a positives column and a negatives column. Very eye-opening and instructive, just to get a little outside perspective and see what others take for granted that I feel may be lacking with us.

In the absence of affairs, abuse or any other extreme and obvious reason to end a relationship then the person who initiates the split is going to look bad. Which is really unfair and perhaps it needs to be reiterated that if it isn't working for you, then it's not working.
I couldn't get my head round the notion that some people feeling sorry for my ex could also hold the idea that I should have stayed with him to avoid the financial insecurity. So you want me to sponge off this bloke that I don't love anymore?
My eldest child told me at one point that she had told off her dad for talking me down, saying she's done nothing wrong and I nearly cried. No one has so positively defended me through the whole thing. That it should be my own child who could see my side is really a bit depressing.
Anyway it's a few years on and everyone, apart from ex seems to have got used to the situation.

Allover you sound like the me of five or six years ago. Marriage wasn't abusive and we rubbed along like flatmates, but I was unhappy. Our lives were so separate that even the kids had made comments. Shared custody in the same house, yup. I packed his bags when he was out one night when it all came to a head for me over my birthday plans. Anyway, long story short, he left that night then came back in the morning when I was calmer and we talked. We split.

Our kids (9 and 7) were devastated initially. We said from the beginning they could have as much access to their dad as they wanted. They rang him every night and he came down several nights a week after work to see them.I knew they were healing when they'd bugger off out to play when he came over. Obviously feeling secure enough to do that.

Five years on and they spend weekends at his flat, which is walking distance so they often pop home, we split holidays but mainly our arrangements are along the lines of "I'm off these days over Easter, they can stay if they like?" and me replying "sure, we'll sort it." Now they are older we often see how they want to split holidays and Christmas etc. Me and him still get along great, I can count on him in a crisis. We'd still make a great couple, except we did try again and all the problems were still there. Both of us are still single.

I'm a whole different person to back then. I've now got a social circle, I'm working, I'm happier. He's the same bloke. Not bad, not by a long shot, but not quite compatible. I don't know what the future holds, I've had short relationships since but no-one has given me a spark. Was it worth it? Yes.

Thanks, Fret -- that post brought a big lump to my throat.

Oh, and thanks for your post too, Fenella. Good for your DD for standing up for you.

Another one here in the same boat. Things have been on the decline for some time. We had what I thought was "the talk" last week, and I think H was shocked to realised that I was prepared to end things rather than carry on in an unhappy marriage modelling a poor, affection-less relationship to our children. Somehow I ended up being guilted into making more of an effort (with him doing the same) however after a week of both pretending this feels like more of a sham than ever. I know deep down I want out, but need to be brave enough to take action. Fret, I would hope that things would work out for me as they seem to have for you, putting the DC first, I'm just not sure H is emotionally mature enough to let that happen

I'm glad I found this thread as it saves me from starting my own.

I've been unhappy for a while now. I still feel we only got together as we were lonely and both needed a relationship not necessarily with each other. I was young and moved from my parents straight in with him after only 2months.
Been together 13 years. Have a child and amazing home, but it's still not enough.

He had a EA/PA/ ONS 5years ago I was desperately unhappy with the relationship when it happened and he left me. Back then I felt gutted as it should of been me ending it and it made me what him more. Got back together and things were good we were happy but things have gone stale again. Last year we moved and I think we were just so happy about it planning it all ect it gave us a joint interest. Well all the hype has gone now and when he's here I want him to go to work, we text throughout the day and I look forward to him returning and as soon as he does I wish he was at work again.

At Xmas i gave myself until the end of April to have a open mind and see how things went.

We are flatmates there's no love or effection on his part and he is getting harder to live with.

This morning I tried to make conversion and he pretty much ignored me, asked him a few questions and got met with "I don't care" "you know this" attitude.
The holiday I have booked us is all wrong now as his beloved football match date has been changed to the day we fly home and that's all my fault and he's been drinking far too much. He tells me he is happy but he wouldn't say even if he wasn't.

I'm really not happy, I want out. No one to talk to in RL as I get no sympathy as my friends are a "told you so attitude from last time"

I somethings feel breaking up and him realising how much he does need me is a option.

I don't know anymore. Sorry for the waffle.

No problem -- not waffle, just loads of stuff that's been on your mind. This seems to be a fairly common situation, doesn't it.

Would you feel bad making the first move, re: breakup? Would that cast you in the role of homewrecker?

I think in my mind I need a reason.

Years ago I felt the same way and I thought to myself it would be easier for him to have a affair so I would have a valid reason but I didn't have the bottle to take it as I had just found out had no thinking time. In my mind I thought he would come crawling back full of remorse but he asked me what I wanted, I said I didn't know and he said he didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore so I did the pick me dance.

I am still regretting how I handled everything and that's not helping things.

I've just remembered its bank holiday weekend and it's just dawned on me I have all day Friday with him and it's nearly reduced me to tears. It's not right.

I really want to talk to him but he is the most unapproachable person ever.

Watching this thread with interest as didn't realise how many people were in the same position. Married for 20 years to someone I have absolutely nothing in common with and although we don't really like each other and have nothing to say to each other we're not awful people! No sex, no conversation, no warmth nothing at all. Its just finding the courage to end it.

runningbug123, wow, if my DH ever happened upon this page he'd think your post was me. We have 3DC and the term many posters have used, '...we rub along together quite well...', is us, jeez we even have regular hot sex! Its kinda hard to describe where we're going wrong, as a couple no children in the frame we have the most awesome time, laughs all the way. Put the kids back in the picture with all the responsibilities that entails, our ideals and fair distribution of domestic life, clash. We've been on the same treadmill since we became parents, our issues are so tiny but lumped together with the inability to resolve them shows mutual dis-respect, we are both right and because we are both right we cannot agree nor compromise. Last night for the first time we mutually agreed to seperate, neither of us reacted emotionally, it was most sedate (post row) but part of me doesn't think it will actually happen, why? Because I love him and I know he loves me. Help me figure that out?

i did

but it was a more complicated situation.

my exdh decided to become celibate...our sex life was pretty dire from word go but before i was not bothered. We 'rubbed along ' but i felt resentful over taking what i felt was the bigger domestic and financial/earnings responsibilty.
He is a lovely man but very laidback and actually lazy....happy to let me run the show until i was knackered and angry and bored....so i had an affair...justified it as 'a little something for me' and frankly i wanted great sex.....thought that was all ok...and it would be in its box....well i fell in love with the man , he fell in love with me....and with 4 children involved we decided we had to end it .

I looked at my life and my husband and thought as others have said ' i dont want to try and make it work' ....it just wasn't about finding that missing spark again...the spark had gone out never to be re-lit.

we muddled along as friends and co-parents really well but deep down i knew there was something better, that my life should not be exisiting it should be living.

My affair partner as it turns out was doing the same, and you can say what you like about affairs etc, but we got back in contact and agreed to leave our marriages.

3 yrs on we are very happy together, sparks all a blazing...girls are ok ....it has been up and down but they are all older and especially oldest really gets it .

my exdh was sad but not suprised and we are good co-parents now.

and he is with a man !

Wow. Twist ending!

allover....i think that might have been why the spark between exdh and me was always more of a lukewarm 20 watt bulb as opposed to the inferno between Dp and me :)

theredjellybean, whoa what an ending

though i look back and wish my exdh and i had talked much sooner about separating , the is no denying that we did for a lot of the time get on well and family times with our dds was always good fun .
I dont regret hanging in there for my daughters, and though eldest asked me if i stayed because of them ...and all the undercurrent and unsaid things went racing accros my mind...but i have told her that on one hand yes , but no her childhood wasn't a lie, i was angry/bored /miserable all the time and in the end her father and i are and always will be good friends, so yes i enjoyed his company and our family time but there came a point when i did want a proper adult relationship ( she was 15 when we had this discussion and i was caged about specifics...please do not think i was discussing my sexlife with my daughter !)

i wasn't bored....NOT I was...sorry typo

First marriage - abusive in many ways (financial, sexual, stonewaller and refused to share domestic tasks). He had an affair. I stayed for 2 years after discovering this because of guilt over the children.
I finally saw sense. It was a great decision, but a hard experience.

Met DH. We both had trust issues due to infidelity in previous marriage. We had some counseling, but not enough. Had a gorgeous child, and I be am very ill (related to pregnancy). He stood by me despite episodes of psychosis, months of me being virtually bedridden, and him being everything, for everyone.
There were also other external factors that made things very difficult. We argued very little, but often bad things were said in anger that weren't meant. During some psychotic episodes I apparently said truly horrendous things. I don't remember them at all, but can see how these things scar.
We were best friends, amazing lovers, fancied the pants off one another. I am now getting well, and taking medication for the mental health issues. As an individual, I was looking forward to a beautiful future where we would be the perfect team and always look after one another.
We said 'I love you' many times a day, and meant it. There had been hard times, but we were invincible.
One day he left. He said he could not erase the memories of the things I said. He refused to discuss it, or have counseling. He's like a shell of a man, who is only interesting in access to our gorgeous child.
My children from first marriage are devastated. Our daughter is devastated. I am devastated.
He insists that he was unhappy, and now wants to be happy.
As far as I can see, everyone is devastated.

I have to keep on for the children, and I'm having therapy. There was no ultimatum, no serious discussion about anyone leaving.
I don't understand.
The children are hurting. There was so much love, and it was visible to everyone we knew.

That's my story. It's horrific.

Good grief --- that's terrible. How is the therapy going?

Oh god yes me too. It is so interesting how many people are in this position.
I don't dislike my dh as a person, but dislike him very much as my dp. Does that make sense?
As a partner he is jealous, lazy, self centred and negative (whinging etc)
But as a person he is affable, works hard and is a lovely dad.
I wish I could high five every single person who has said 'I don't want counselling, I don't want to fall back in love'
I don't love him romantically, I don't fancy him physically. I don't want to be his wife.
I tried to get some support from my parents over my feelings, but that's all I've been told. "Ask him to wash up more!go on a date night!"
Fuck that.
I'm saving up to leave (should be set by the summer) and I am more tha happy to split child custody 50/50 but I am out.

"I wish I could high five every single person who has said 'I don't want counselling, I don't want to fall back in love'
I don't love him romantically, I don't fancy him physically. I don't want to be his wife."

This. Absolutely this.

Totally agree with that.

Yes, I left my first husband for exactly this reason, but we didn't have any children. That was the reason I left - I needed to do it before DC.

There was nothing intrinsically wrong with him - to this day, I think of him as an absolutely lovely person. He just wasn't right for me, and the idea of spending my life with him was like staring down the barrel of a gun.

I remember getting out of the tube one morning and walking to work, and realising - apropos of nothing - that this was the beginning of the end.

I ended up cheating on him, which is to my total shame. As soon as that happened, I broke up with him. He never found out. Luckily, he has since moved on and has been with someone who seems perfect for him ever since.

And months later I got together with DH, who's my best friend and who suits me far better.

Wishing you strength.

I can identify with so many of these posts. I'm really struggling at the moment. I do have attachment issues because of my past but I don't think that's the main issue.

There were problems a few years ago when he was really stressed at work. Like many have said it would be so much easier to have an excuse to leave. I had it then but didn't have the guts to go.

I've confided in a friend and this is an extract of an email I sent to her:

He tries so hard to make things right now but I can't cope with it. He's off work for two weeks and I feel like I'm suffocating. I've persuaded him to go away for a couple of days to make the most of his holidays but it's only to be selfish so I have chance to breathe.

After talking to you last week I remember saying it was a loveless, sexless marriage. Unfortunately he loves me. I hate that. I want him to realise I don't want him. I've told him but he says he'll help me to change my mind. When I tell him I don't want this he says he can't live without me and he'll commit suicide. Aghh!

I can't imagine meeting anyone else. I think the thing I'm struggling with is the thought that I'll be alone in old age. Is companionship preferable to that?

Marking place ...