Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

I left him. I lasted a few months and then I went back. Things were better, we both made an effort, I got pregnant. The DTs are 2.5 now and I'm starting to regret going back. It would be so much harder to do it now, and I don't think I could because of the girls, and a really complicated working situation which means I need a lot of support - I would have to leave my job too. So I think I'm stuck, and this is just how it is, and it terrifies me.

I'm sorry to disagree with some previous posts. I appreciate some children do carry scars from divorce (I know I did) but that's from how my parents handled it rather than the fact that they split

I genuinely think my children are happier since my split with their dad. He spends more quality time with them and so do it.
We laugh more, I laugh more, I'm less stressed and uptight
We make new memories but still enjoy thinking about and talking about old memories
I'm happy that they see me in a happy relationship with a man who makes me laugh and I'm happy that they see their dad happy with his partner.

Do not stay for children, treat them like adults as much as is appropriate. They are robust, and see more than we know. A separation doesn't have to be something awful, and children can get through it. I met a guy who was still driving over to his exs house and putting the children to bed then wondered why they were confused

I don't have children, and appreciate that this will make my views differ from those that do. I left my husband last year, we'd been together 17 years (since we were both 18) and were married for 4 years.

Things had never been fairytale between us, but I thought that was just real life. We had our ups and downs, and I suffer from long term depression so was never sure what was caused by that as opposed to our relationship. I wanted children but he insisted he wasn't ready - I now see that as a delaying tactic and he would never have been ready. We just bumbled along year after year and nothing ever really happened. We had our individual hobbies but did very little together. I'd considered moving out before but there were always reasons that held me back - we had dogs, we had a nice house, we both had minor health problems etc and for a while these reasons convinced me that I'd be better off staying.

My wake up call came when both my grandmothers died within a couple of months of each other, both aged 90. It occurred to me that if I stuck as I was I had potentially another 55 years of this. It wouldn't be unbearable, but there was the potential for so much else to happen in my life. I went to counselling to sort out how I was feeling (I encouraged him to do the same but he wanted us to do relationship counselling and wouldn't go on his own) and I realised pretty quickly that in order for us to be happy one of us would have to change who we were. I knew that was unrealistic and unfair, so I decided that I'd had enough. The reasons that had previously made me feel unable to leave stopped being a big issue and all of a sudden I took on a 'we'll work it out' philosophy (thanks mainly to my counsellor who made me realise exactly what it was that I wanted).

It hasn't been the easiest time, and I half think that the divorce process in this country is intended to make everyone part on bad terms. It was hard coming up with examples of unreasonable behaviour as they all sounded so petty, but added together they weren't and were just many small examples of why we weren't happy anymore. We are divorced now but we share 'custody' of the dog so still have regular contact. He and I both have new partners and I am the happiest I have ever been.

From a child's point of view though, my parents never got on well and finally divorced when I was 19. My older sister and I would far rather they had called it quits when we were younger and avoided all the years of stress, tension and arguments. Having divorced parents who are happier has to be better than parents who claim they are staying together for the kids.

I agree that you need to work in the marriage before you split, you owe it to your children. But most people do stay and try to work things for the children anyway, you only leave when you know that you really tried hard and it didn't work.

Someone once told me that it is not divorce what damages children but witnessing the antagonism and arguments that preceds it. I totally agree with that, we split when we realised that we were so fed up of each other we were really struggling for it not to show.

So DS went from a happy place to an even better place, as not having him around all the time, made the time we had him at home very precious. I'm not going to say that he was spoiled rotten but we made our best, exh started taking him cycling (he never did before) and we did quite a lot of especial stuff we never did before because I was so busy with house chores. I think DS and I got much closer as a result of the split.

Having said that, exh changed drastically after he met his new partner, he started ignoring DS, neglecting him even. and that was were the damage happened. Things went so bad that even SS got involved, and eventually DS lost contact with his dad. I know that this is absolutely terrible but, given how miserable poor DS was in the last year of contact, and all the abuse he had to put up with. I still think that is a good thing that we split, because at least nowadays he can feel happy and above all safe in his home. It wouldn't be the same if we had the "enemy" living at home.

IMO those who stay "for the children" are in not such bad marriages or too afraid of being poor.

I left my ex for a load of reasons, I wasn't UNhappy, I just wasn't HAPPY. He never shagged me bastard, put me down and treated me like a domestic servant. I probably would have ticked along like that forever, living parallel but separate lives, until one of his friends started paying me a LOT of attention and I woke up to what I was missing. LTB and my life is so, so much better. Didn't really have an affair with the friend but realised I was craving the attention I was lacking so in a way it was a catalyst. It was awful but my goodness, so, so worth it.

You made the decision to marry this man and have children with him. Subsequently you owe them your best shot at it.

A relationship counsellor told me this recently when i was unsure about joint counselling. It made me feel quite annoyed because my children are constantly at the centre of my thinking. I appreciate what you are trying to say but I doubt many women need to be told to try harder for their kids. I'm sure no one takes the decision to leave lightly.

But I do think it's good to be realistic about the decision and impact.

I think separation always sucks for the kids one way or the other, but ultimately i wasn't prepared to be utterly miserable for 15 years. I also genuinely don't think the relationship we were modelling for them would have helped them to form happy intimate relationships themselves when they're older.

Lots of things parents do can be less than ideal for children. (Can any of us really say that all-day nurseries for very little kids are the best choice for them? No, but they may well be the only choice that allows their parents to make enough money to keep the household going, or the only choice that allows both parents to maintain careers that are hugely important to their happiness and wellbeing).

We all make decisions that are suboptimal for our children, unless we're complete martyrs or have so much money that 'hard choices' aren't a presence in our lives.

As PPs have said, what you can do is strain every bloody sinew not to behave like a dick around your ex and nurture a genuinely friendly, good-humoured relationship with them. Never EVER slag them off to your kids, never EVER stop your ex from seeing them (abuse aside of course)

All I totally agree that everything in life is a balancing act. Come on we all know the debates about what is best for DC's starts from the minute they are conceived.

Some alcohol ok during pregnancy? Or none?
Breast or bottle?
SAHM or WOHM??

The list is endless. Every family, every situation and every child is unique. My two have struggled. It's been a huge adjustment. My STBXH and I are putting them front and center and working really hard to be civil and amicable. For now. He will eventually meet someone (I think he already has) and things will change.

Overall did we do the right thing? Who knows. I like to think I did, only time will tell.

I left my DH last year along with the nice house and everything in it. It was VERY hard.

Like a lot of posters i didn't realise how horrible he was until i left. He was a bully and i never realised how much he lied to me, i felt like a fool. He is self employed where his business was basically his wife, and still is. During the break up i said to him you earned more than i ever thought you did don't you and he grinned and said yes.

It has been a painful, hard 12 months. I got a divorce settlement which allowed me to buy a house with a mortgage but it was a drop in the ocean compared to his worth. Unfortunately i had a shit solicitor.

It feels like everything i worked towards with the house with my ex is just lost and he gets to enjoy it. I can't afford to give the kids the things he can but hopefully they will feel loved in despite of that.

He insisted on having the kids 2 nights in the week but the mask is slipping already. His business always takes priority so he has forgotten both parents evenings, the kids have missed dress up days because he forgot, they get odd things in their packed lunches etc.

I am glad i left but in no way was i prepared for the emotional trauma of the past 2 months, especially with no support as most people took his side because he went for the sob story sympathy vote.

NeverGetTheBestOfMe - don't believe everyone took his side....I wouldn't if I heard a woman left her H...I would always, always, always, assume there was more than met the eye and there were good reasons.

I'm watching this thread with interest as I find myself in a similar boat as OP and have a thread running about the issues I'm having with DP.
Financially, just how bad is it once you split? Were you left significantly worse off after separating? My DD goes to daycare whilet I go to work 3 days a week in a fairly decent job. But still childcare fees would cripple me. Of course DP would have to help out but not sure how much he could with two homes to run and pay for between us.
How do/did you all do it?

Well, of course it will be different, you will need to support yourself mostly without his salary. But is doable, there is help available to help you get back on your feet and with time you will be ok.

I do think good divorces take a good level of planning, waiting and saving. The trick is not to leave in a hurry but when you are strong enough to survive on your own. (Obviously, this doesn't apply if you are leaving due to domestic abuse).

I was almost entirely saved by Gordon Brown - via tax credit, child tax credit, working tax credit. It was an absolute bloody lifesaver. No idea what the situation is now but worth checking out on the web to see what you'd get. Plus check child maintenance options site to see how much maintenance you'd get.

I left my ex h when my dd was very young. No abuse it just wasn't working for me. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way. Very messy divorce and a couple of years of shit. Met my dh who is amazing have had a 2nd child and am still very much in love. It's not perfect but he is my best friend and makes me laugh everyday, he's also not bad to look at ! I never regret leaving. We were not compatible in the long run and the thought of being alone with home after dd was grown up filled me with dread. I now feel like i am right where I am supposed to be. Hope it all works out for you

Just to add the most important thing. DH is amazing with dd1 and she has actually got to the point where she would rather spend time with him than her dad. It's a hard decision and the consequences can be hard but worthwhile in the end.

I decided to leave because I felt like the housekeeper, nanny, etc. My ex never appreciated the value of a SAHM.
I always felt he put me and the DCs last which was proved correct when he bailed out on his FIRST weekend with the DCs because he had a date. This date was 4 days after vhis wife and DCs moved out of the family home.
Sometimes it's just not possible to try and make things work for the sake of the children be cause some people are just too selfish to see anyone elses point of view.

Question to those in new relationships -- how does it FEEL? Like, what are some of the main differences? Could be big or small things.

I think that talking about what a new relationship should or would feel like is a dangerous road to go down OP. You need to focus completely on why you want to leave your marriage because of what has gone wrong. Not because you think Prince Charming may be waiting around the corner to whisk you away. Adding an imaginary new relationship into the mix just complicates things.

I agree you can't think that there is someone else waiting in the wings. However I do think when you are in an unhappy relationship you lose sight of what a normal relationship looks like.

I was talking to my friend last night and many of my grievances were similar to hers, but she feels she is in a happy, normal relationship. The key difference is she communicates when she is unhappy.(Also she trusts her DH and that is the key issue for me)

I think some of my issues are amplified because I am so unhappy that the little niggly things become bigger and more of a problem. They are just a symptom of the bigger problems and in a normal relationship, not things I would necessarily LTB for!

That losing sight is kind of where I think I am, Halfbaked. So hard to know if the low energy & taking each other for granted is just par for the course (after 15+ years together) or if it's a sign of bigger trouble.

Agree that you shouldn't leave in the expectation of finding another partner. You will get to find it if you are able to develop a happy and fulfilling life after the split, but it is not easy, as you will be more busy with kids, house chores and work than you were before you found the father to your children. In those circumstances is not only hard work to find a suitable partner, but to be able to clear enough time for the relationship to develop!

I would say that if you no longer care about what he thinks, what his day is like, sex has become a chore and you can't even bring yourself to kiss him on the lips... you may be ready to move on. If you are just angry, frustrated and sad, there is hope, but if indifference has settled in... that is it.

Indifference -- hm, yeah, there's a good amount of that.

If he told you he was having an affair, how would you feel?

Interesting Q: honestly I don't think I would be thrilled about it, but also there might be a small element of relief.

It's not in my nature to 'rock the boat' or to make a bold move in the direction of taking/getting what I want. I'm a bit of a 'coaster' -- happy enough to go with the flow as long as things aren't awful. This leads to a situation in which I feel like I am almost waiting for my OH to make the first move (if we are to separate). Not necessarily having an affair but even just admitting it's not working and asking to separate. Does that make sense?

I keep thinking about this line in The Departed where Matt Damon says to his g/f, "If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, 'cause I'm not capable. I'm f*ckin' Irish, so I'll deal with something being wrong the rest of my life." (Had to look up the quote.) That resonated with me a lot.

Of course it does make sense, nobody wants to be the executor in the marriage. So people slide into deeper forms of contempt until you really cannot brush the issue under the carpet.

Over the years I have heard a saying repeated over and over, and I think that is true: Women leave when they have had enough (and most of us should have some Irish blood in us if we go by the line you quoted), men on the other hand, leave when they have found someone else.