A hard day all round, for all of us. Its like being operated on without an anaesthetic. Ouch! We need a group hug. xx
Over the last couple of days Ive had quite a bit of contact with my husband so I brought the subject of our son up with him. Why, despite knowing he was so unwell has he still not visited him? Why, despite knowing he is now on depot injections, the same kind that your schizophrenic friend is on have you not even asked how he is? To be frank it kills me that he doesn't consider our son as anything but someone he provides for every month, but I had to ask because our son must think about him at times even if doesn't ask about him. And I can't even compose a story about where he is because just what would I say? If I tell my son where his dad lives it would be a nightmare because he'd want to go there every week to his favourite fast food restaurant - there isn't one here. And to be honest I can even say he's dead because as sure as fate he'd rise from the dead and pop in the next day.
Anyway, I brought our son up and he said - what injections? So I said, its all in the messages Ive sent you. What messages? So it transpires that out of 11 messages sent to him in 9 days he was able to find two in his phone after pulling over to the side of the road to look. Its been obvious to me and the children for a wee while now that the OW can access his phone and has been doing jiggerypokery with it but trying to get him to take it onboard has been difficult - our eldest girl has tried and now only messages him in Arabic. Though I don't know why he's been reluctant to believe it because from day 1 it was clear the OW had a 'thing' about phones. Its her modus operandi. But then I suppose that even though he knew she was capable, he would still deny it even though the seed had been planted.
The bottom line is that he said, I believe you! And he's now going to take his phone to an iPhone shop and go through it with a fine tooth comb in order to find how she's managing to do the things with his phone that she is. We know there is a shared iCloud because like me he really is a techy dinosaur and I know she will have set his phone up for him. But out off all of that was the fact he said to me - you wouldn't lie to me, Im sure of that. 
But thats all besides the point and its a good example of how when we've been brainwashed over decades, as well as being treated appallingly - it can be very easy too slip back into needing approval and comfort from these guys when the least bit of niceness crops up.
So his reasons for not seeing our son - well, he doesn't want to come here because he doesn't want to see me in case I bring up old things. But there is also the fact that seeing our son the way he is really hurts him! So basically its all about him - its how coming here could affect him. And it gets worse because when he took on board his phone is being tampered with he said Oh dont worry, I will find out about this - because why should I be denied the chance to know whats going on in an emergency? So again it was all about him and nothing to do with - you should know that if you have to contact me you'll be able to get me!
Then there's what happened when he said, I want to see him, and when I told him thats great but it will take a wee bit of planning the first couple of times for quite a few reasons he then rejected everything I said. Said I was making too much of it! Ehm, no love, our son is really unwell and we are trying our best to keep him on a level playing field - and no, Im not suggesting these things to you because Im trying to control you!!!!! Its what he always though in the latter years - that even asking what time he would be home for dinner was me trying to control when he ate.
So next morning we were on the way to a local hotel with our son for breakfast. It was a trip where we were doing 3-1 care and it had been planned since last week on the provision he was well enough to go. Husband phones en-route and says Im coming to see DS. I told him we were out and he says - ok Im coming to the hotel! And of course I had to say no, Im sorry but you can't, because he's been doing this trip this way for years and if you just turn up even under normal circumstances it will confuse him, amongst other things, and he might then decide to not ever go back again. The autistic mind is like that but its still painfully my husband still does not have a scooby of an idea! Not a bloody scooby! Even though our son is 25. He just doesnt bloody well get it and its all down to this me me me me syndrome thats part of his broken personality.
In the end he said I'll wait till the medication kicks in because DS can be very volatile and I wouldn't want to get hurt!!!! So I just said great idea love, but I wont be going out when you do come to the house so your going to have to man up enough to see me as well as DS!!!! 
Oh and I also said, this business of it hurting too much to see him, its not about us but for what its worth it hurts me as well but where would he be now if I'd taken that approach from day one.
So another can of worms has been opened and Im going back to my counsellor to mull it all over with her. Some people may say oh just leave it, your son doesnt have to see him, and that may be true, but for practical reasons like when my husband does die we have to have him in my sons life now.
And the great help he's been to our loved one - well thats another thing that's opened up a new thought process. Does it have to involve my counsellor, and not a friend? Yes it does, its the nature of the beast, and to be frank I love the life I have with the people around me. We wasted too many years with him dominating every thought I was awake and around people - its not happening ever again. My counsellor is like panadol - you take it when something hurts!