Onwards and Upwards!

[Hushabyemountain98]

Good morning. Welcome to my new thread. I hope that all my MN friends will join me and maybe a few new ones!xx

Hush, I don't think there is a way out of your situation. You just have to find a way through it. I know this will take time.

Have you thought about going back to your Drs- just for a progress update and to see if there is anything else they can do for you?

My day has been fine thanks.

Xx

Oh hush I so understand , I went out with my son today and he said can you stop talking about dad for 2 hours as he always crops up for you , I mentioned his food likes at pizza express , his suit in a suit shop, like you hush I can't help it , son has been for his dad's for tea came home after 1 hr 30min , like you I feel like a burden , but it's so hard after 31 years to loose the man who you thought was your soulmate ❤️ I am standing right here with you hush ❤️

Hello all thanks for asking after me - it's been a horrible day here in Brussels and we are very near indeed to the Maelbeek metro and other places where there has been trouble today. Hush, one way or another you will get through this. It's a shame, like in that rhyme, you can't go over it or around it, but you will get through it. That kind of thinking of what someone would like - that's grief, and it's entirely natural. But it will pass, it just will.

I wish I could repeat a conversation my husband had with our daughter yesterday. It was 'inside the mind of a cheat 101'. And it was just absolutely bloody staggering hearing it second hand let alone what it must have felt like at her kitchen table. I then had to call him so we were on the same page as each other when supporting her and its obvious my husband is off his head and has some kind of detachment disorder going on because he really does not see himself as a cheat - because he did not go with prostitutes.

Anyway, and this is the real humdinger - he is being an absolute rock. And why is that? Well, the reality is there is no person like a cheat to take you through what you should be doing when cheating comes knocking on your door even if its via the internet.

So this is for all you lovely ladies - a wee bit of advice from my husband - DONT BLAME YOURSELVES BECAUSE ITS NOTHING YOU'VE DONE. ITS JUST THAT SOME MEN ARE LIKE THIS. AND WHETHER YOU LIVE WITH IT IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU BUT REMEMBER - MEN WHO CHEAT NEVER CHANGE!!!!!!

And there you have it. In a nutshell!

So from my parallel universe - Feck Me!!!!!!!

And thats even before I tell you about why he has only seen our son 3 times in 21 months.

It's good to hear from you Chiconbelge. There are no words really. X

Husha, Im sorry you're struggling so much. And Im others are struggling also right now - me included. ITs like being one of those wee toys on the bottom of the budgies cage. You know the ones, the budgie pecks it and it gets knocked over but then it get backs up again. Well thats us. We get knocked down then we get back up again - but each time we get back up we'll have learned something that may not be apparent for a few days or even weeks. But for sure we will have learned something and when you join all of our learning up into one big piece we find that we've done what WTAFF has said happens - we've found a way through it.

Hi Louisa,

Thank you for your supportive message.
I still cannot understand how he could just dump me and move on with this woman with no thought for me at all. Total deception and betrayal!
I probably sound like a broken record!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
I hope you have a nice evening xx

Hi Pisco,

Glad it is not just me!
Have a nice evening xx

Hi WTAFF.
I do not want to go back to the doctor yet.
I may have too but will soldier on at the moment.
I am glad that your was fine xx

Good evening Kirk,
Thank you for your understanding.
I try not to say too much to my youngest son about his Dad. I think they are just in our minds so much for good and bad reasons. We just can't help it after all these years. Unlike them we cannot just move on!
I'm with you too, Kirk xxx

Hello Chicon, I am glad that you are safe.
I know those words very well. They are from We're going on a bear hunt. I read that little book to both my sons so many times.
I hope I will get through it.

I am thinking about you and the people of Brussels xxx

Ladies especially chicon glad you are safe ❤️ , all your comments to hush warm my heart too , notonyour bloody ex is right with his words yes always a cheat the tossers but why do we hurt so much ??? I can't stand the swords that keep hitting us all in our sides it's awful . I am going to see my ex tomorrow afternoon I have paperwork to give him , and we need to talk about our son who is struggling , he will play victim again , give me time , my life is a mess , I want to get rid of her and be a good dad again blah blah blah , he is addicted to the ow big time but then why doesn't he stop saying I am not happy , just get on with it man then and stop pushing my buttons !!! Thank god I divorced him after 11 months as I now have financial closure , I wish the emotional closure would be as easy 😢

Good Evening notonyur.
These men are unbelievable!
I am so glad that your Daughter and Son have you.
I know which toy you mean in the bottom of the budgies cage.
Lets hope we can all get up again and get through it.
We deserve so much better than these delusional men.
xxx

Hi Kirk,
I hope you manage to get through seeing your ex tomorrow.
Will be thinking of you xxx

I still cannot understand how he could just dump me and move on with this woman with no thought for me at all

Husha, you need to start counselling and spend some time on why people do this, but most of all you then need to spend time on working out why you've reacted to it the way you have.

xxxxxx

Hi notonyur.
I am not sure which way you are meant to react to what he has done!xx

Husha, I mean that we have to explore ourselves, with help, so we can understand the person we are and why we are reacting to our situation they way we are. Our thoughts, our feelings, who are we?

We are both in situations with serial adulterers. Men who put new meaning into cheating. We need to understand what it was in us that made us put up with it - then be upset each time it happened again - and be even more upset when it all came tumbling down.

So for e.g. its not really about why he could just dump me and move on with this woman with no thought for me at all. Total deception and betrayal

Its why you/we puzzle over it. Its not them we should be understanding - we should be understanding ourselves.

Im hoping this makes a bit more sense

Thank you notonyur.
Yes that makes more sense.
My thinking is always about why he did something!
The only trouble is I have to pay for counselling and it costs £50 a session.
I know that when I had it before it did help me.

Thanks again xx

Good morning Hush,
Hope that you got some sleep?
Notonyur has it nailed. Why on earth did I put up with some of the rubbish that I did? What happened to my instinct? My experience? My crap detector?
I feel that I really let myself down by not seeing what was in front of me and just accepting some real rubbish and a second rate relationship. Why do we accept this? In my case I think it was fear of being alone. I would rather put up with a humiliating second rate relationship than face a future alone .

Since then, I have done a lot of hard thinking about myself and why I let this happen. I know my 'twat radar' is now well polished and upgraded.
I have also tried to create a life for myself where I don't feel 'needy' but am genuinely happy with what I do on a daily basis - even if it's not that 'exciting'. I know that I don't need anyone else in order to feel good about myself.

I think it sounds as if you are (not surprisingly) still 'frozen' in that initial grief and loss. Still perhaps not really believing it and hoping that it will all be OK? It feels as if you are in suspension and it's him who takes all the action and then you react? Only you will know whether this is correct or not - I'm only reading words on a page but you do come over as quite 'passive' in terms of decisions with him making all the running and then you react.

The threads on this board are testament as to how supportive other women can be when someone starts to claw their way out of the depths of a long term relationship. We 'have your back' on here and there is a lot of wise support.

I feel outraged on your behalf that he has treated you like this - and it's when you can tap into your anger and outrage and turn it into something constructive - binning his belongings, getting him out of your head and home and confronting the reality of your future and ensuring that you get what is best for you. Where will you live? Will you, can you stay in your home? What kind of parent will you be to your adult sons? What do you want your future to be like in the new world of Hush?
xxxx

Louisa I am going to take every bit of your advice in my head when I see my ex this pm . No more rescuing him now , trying to encourage him to see his kids by text 🙈 Hush and I need to like you quote need a new life , meeting that guy on monday made me realise I would rather be alone than with another needy man !

Good morning all.
Hold your head up high kirk. Show him what he's thrown away. A kind, loving, hard working and faithful woman. You're absolutely right, it's not up to you to rescue him, or facilitate his parenting. He's made his pit. He can live in it. It's not very nice.
You however will only get better and better.
I'll be thinking of you. X

Sorry everyone, I've been so poorly with no one to look after me, I was in bed 32 hours and couldn't even make it down stairs to feed the dear cat. I've not seen or spoken to anyone since Sunday afternoon ( other than a quick FB message to my dear daughter in law to say I couldn't babysit DGD).
I'm a bit better today (in body) as I managed to eat some cereal yesterday but cannot drink anything except for water. I'm feeling so sorry for myself, cannot stop crying. I know it's HER birthday sometime this week and I can't stop myself looking at her FB page to see if it's today, I'm likening it to when you have a dodgy filling you can't help putting your tongue in it until it starts hurting, Man, how I'm hurting!
Hush thank you for your concern. I think we could all do with a virtual group hug!
louisa yes, I'm in the grief and loss stage and I know I'll be so much better without him...however, I admit, I'm terrified of being all on my own, as I am now!

Ohh pizza , I am sad you are feeling so rough , I wish I could come and nurse you , I am on holiday this week 😢 How right you are ! it is like something you know you shouldn't do and it's hurts but you can't seem to stop 😢

HER birthday bitch , I came off Facebook 3 months after he left as it was not serving me well at all . Just think you have had a pity party and I had many like you 4 days of illness and I suffered alone , I think though as my heart was so hurt when I was ill it made me feel like I could cry more and feel sorry for myself. You are hopefully over it now , take care and heal slowly we are all here , don't cut off from us ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Healing is a good word. It is frightening facing the future alone but I've worked hard on shifting my mindset. I've developed a small business which does involve meeting people - even if it's just a chat with the ladies in the post office or a having a coffee in a coffee shop and reading the paper. I will smile and chat away to people when walking the dog. And of course roam around on Mumsnet!

Facebook is the spawn of the devil and should be avoided. People only present their exciting best bits of their life on it and it is NOT representative of real life.
Kirk - I so admired your approach to that date and you're so right - realising that you're better alone than with some sad excuse for a relationship is a huge step.

Good Afternoon Louisa,
Thank you for your messages.
I had some sleep thank you.
I have been proved right all along. I knew that something was going on each time.
Each time he said I was imagining it and I was paranoid and mad!
This time he was extra nasty to me. Then he played mind games and made me believe everything was going to be fine! When he knew all along he was going to leave to be with her!
He carried on at me when I looked through his stuff and called me a stalker.

I am not so bad as I was but every now and again something happens and it drags me down.
Facing the future on my own is scary. I know that I will not be able to stay in this house. Hopefully I will not have to live in a bedsit as a certain person told me!
I will always be here for my sons and they will always have a home with me if they need it.

I am so glad of your support and all my other MN friends.
I am hoping that like you I will be able to carve out a new life for myself.
I am not looking a Fb now.
Well I better close for now.
Thanks again for your support xx