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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Got what's coming to me [CN added by MNHQ: possibly triggering content]

156 replies

Fairydust7715 · 09/03/2016 22:16

I don't know how to link my last posts but am more of a lurker on here than a poster but in short over a year ago I lost my fwb who I was actually in love with but never told him before he died, I then posted months later about sleeping with anyone who would have me.
I have carried on doing this and have lost count of how many men I have slept with but it's probably in the 100's which I feel sick about.
I meet these men on a hook up site and so far it's been ok, I don't enjoy it that much which is disgusting in itself but I feel I need it.
Tonight I have met with a man who has really hurt me, I don't have anyone I can speak to about this in rl because it's embarrassing and it would shock even my closest friends.
I am bruised and bleeding although not life threatening but I hurt everywhere but can't even cry, I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 09/03/2016 22:18

Sorry you're hurt, do you think you should go to hospital? Did this man rape you? If so can you go to the police, just because you met him doesn't give him the right to hurt you

Hope you're ok x

AuntyBatshit · 09/03/2016 22:20

No one deserves to be hurt. Have you called the police?

JenniferAnistonsHair · 09/03/2016 22:22

Whatever has happened to you is not your fault. Nobody has the right to assault you in any way. Please call the police. They will support you... 💐

littleblackno · 09/03/2016 22:22

You do not deserve this. This is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Please please report this to the police and get yourself checked medically.
I'm sure others will be along with better advice.
Really this isn't anything that you "had coming". Take care of yourself.

whatdoIget · 09/03/2016 22:23

You did NOT get what was coming to you. It wasn't your fault. Do you feel up to contacting the police?

Original poster
Fairydust7715 · 09/03/2016 22:23

I don't think I need hospital just yet, I obviously agreed to sex just not how he done it but he wouldn't stop even when I was crying.
Don't want police involved because in all honesty I don't know him, whether his name was real or even where he lives, having written that I can't believe how wrong that is!!!

OP posts:
AuntyBatshit · 09/03/2016 22:24

I know the feeling of "had it coming" first hand...you did NOT!Please come back OP.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/03/2016 22:25

Please call the police, No one needs to know except you and them. You need medical attention and the man who hurt you needs to be stopped from hurting more women.

AuntyBatshit · 09/03/2016 22:26

Whether you told him to stop in the middle of it, before it happened- whenever, you withdrew your consent. Sort for getting heavy, but I was where you are a few months ago. Feel free to PM. Flowers

CocktailQueen · 09/03/2016 22:27

Why do you feel you need it? What would happen if you just stop?

What happened with the man tonight? Do you feel you can tell the police? Do you know his name, etc? If you could tell them, that would be good. You don't deserve to be hurt or treated like this.

JenniferAnistonsHair · 09/03/2016 22:27

Fairy, are you safe? Are you away from him? The police will take as many details as you feel able to give over the telephone, then they should send someone out to you. They will take you to officers who are specially trained in this sort of thing, & they will get you medical attention.

Please don't let him get away with this. And please definitely don't feel embarrassed. It may shock your friends, but I'm absolutely sure they would support you if you confided in them.

AuntyBatshit · 09/03/2016 22:28

*sorry not sort...

tanukiton · 09/03/2016 22:30

Fairy go to hospital and get checked out. You agreed to one type of sex. You didnt agree to the rest so it is rape. He had sex with you when you didnt want it. There should be a specialized rape unit who can advise you as to what to do next... Take care

OhShutUpThomas · 09/03/2016 22:30

You did not deserve this. And you did not consent to what he did - it was rape. Even if you consented to earlier sexual activity.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Please PLEASE call the police and let them document your injuries to gather evidence. Even if you decide not to proceed, you will have evidence on file if you change your mind. Lose this chance and you make it harder later on.

Be strong Flowers

JenniferAnistonsHair · 09/03/2016 22:31

And it doesn't matter that you don't know his name or address. They will be able to trace him from a phone number or email address (or details from the site you met him on if you don't have those)

goddessofsmallthings · 09/03/2016 22:31

I don't want to alarm you, but if the incident took place in your home he knows where you live and he may come back at any time.

You're in shock and, if you don't want to call the police will you at least get a cab to A&E tonight so that you can be checked over and prescribed medication that will get you through the next few days?

Original poster
Fairydust7715 · 09/03/2016 22:34

He left mine about an hr ago, have had a shower to try and wash away the dirt I feel.
cocktailqueen I don't really know why but it feels like sex gives me that feeling of being wanted if only for a short while.
On the site most people don't put their real names and generally just the area where they are from.
I can't have the police involved due to my job, if you knew me then like family and friends the picture they paint of me is so far from who I am when I meet these men.

OP posts:
Snapespeare · 09/03/2016 22:34

This is not your fault. It's obviously your decision whether you go to the police or not, but the guy will be registered with the site via an IP address that can help to trace him, even if he has given a false name to register with the site. The police will not judge you for sleeping with hundreds of men, your sex life is nothing to do with this attack. If you decide to contact the police, you should do that soon. We are here with you, even if we are not 'there' with you.

If you decide to not contact the police (& I think you should) then please think about contacting the site to report, because that could help stop this 'man' attacking other women.

Finally, in a few days or weeks, when you feel more like yourself and up-to-it, please think about grief counselling with regards to your friend that you loved. I'm sorry that he died and left you feeling so unhappy. Even if he didn't love you back in the way that you loved him, I'm sure he wouldn't want you being in physical and mental pain because of his death. The thing about FWB is the friend bit - a friend wouldn't want you to feel like this or be treated like this.

Mustgetmynailsdone · 09/03/2016 22:34

Fairy dust

What this man has done to you is not ok and you did not have it coming to you

Please do not feel ashamed . Please go to the police . I know it will take a lot of courage but please do .

Can you come back on and let us know how you are ?

Thinking of you . X x x

Snapespeare · 09/03/2016 22:36

Sorry, there has been cross posting - please phone the police,because he has been to your home and knows where you live. I can't think of any job where it would be a matter of your job or reputation being at risk because you were raped. You might not feel this is rape because you initially consented, but you were crying. Crying doesn't equal consent.

haggard1 · 09/03/2016 22:37

Please call the police as the other posters have suggested. And Auntybatshit is right.

Rape crisis rapecrisis.org.uk/ifyouvejustbeenraped.php is available to contact right now if you need someone to confide in without being judged and to help you decide you're next steps. Good luck

Original poster
Fairydust7715 · 09/03/2016 22:41

I know I should call the police but how can I when I know literally nothing about him? How can I sit and tell them that really I am nothing but a slag that sleeps with anyone man that wants it.
I am a social worker that has dealings with the police on a regular basis, I can't have anyone knowing.
Think I will let the site know at least
Thank you all, sometimes you just need strangers to give you comfort.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 09/03/2016 22:42

A man like him has probably got form and, if so, he can be traced through fingerpiints or DNA testing from samples taken from your body/clothing.

Pleae don't bathe or put your clothing/bedding in the washing machine until you have really thought this through. If you contact the police you'll be treated with sensitivity and will be assigned a specialist worker who can access counselling and other services for you.

I can't emphasise enough that no-one else needs to know unless you choose to tell them - and you're not obliged to do so.

AuntyBatshit · 09/03/2016 22:42

And, if he has been in your house, there will be DNA/fingerprints to help the police trace the bastard.

OhShutUpThomas · 09/03/2016 22:44

They'll be able to trace him from DNA and probably through his IP. He may already be on file and this would be the final boot for him.

Anything you report would be confidential. Please consider it. What happened is not your fault.