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Original poster

Got what's coming to me [CN added by MNHQ: possibly triggering content]

156 replies

Fairydust7715 · 09/03/2016 22:16

I don't know how to link my last posts but am more of a lurker on here than a poster but in short over a year ago I lost my fwb who I was actually in love with but never told him before he died, I then posted months later about sleeping with anyone who would have me.
I have carried on doing this and have lost count of how many men I have slept with but it's probably in the 100's which I feel sick about.
I meet these men on a hook up site and so far it's been ok, I don't enjoy it that much which is disgusting in itself but I feel I need it.
Tonight I have met with a man who has really hurt me, I don't have anyone I can speak to about this in rl because it's embarrassing and it would shock even my closest friends.
I am bruised and bleeding although not life threatening but I hurt everywhere but can't even cry, I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 10/03/2016 12:50

Thinking of you Fairy
I'm so glad you went to A+E.

Owllady · 10/03/2016 12:51

Well done for going to the hospital and getting seen. I'm pleased the police were nice/helpful. You know, it doesn't matter if it's police you work with anyway, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. If I was a police woman, I'd not judge you at all, there's nothing to judge! It's him that's at fault :( I'm so sorry Flowers
Please take whatever support you are given xxx

ouryve · 10/03/2016 13:00

I'm glad you've been able to seek real life help, Fairy Flowers

And no, you did not have it coming. Bastards like that will be bastards like that, whether they're a first or a thousandth hook up. NOBODY deserves what you went through.

AyeAmarok · 10/03/2016 13:08

Well done Fairy Flowers

You were really brave to do that. I'm glad the police were kind, as they should be.

Very glad you will be OK physically at least.

PhoenixReisling · 10/03/2016 13:08

I'm so pleased you went to the hospital and spoke to the police.

Whatever you say, you did not deserve this. At all. End of.

I hope they find him and he is arrested.

tipsytrifle · 10/03/2016 13:19

Fairydust - what a lovely magical name. You chose that for you. It was a good choice. In grief we don't always make good choices. After my partner's death I went on something of a sexual rampage too. I realised at some point that it wasn't about self-esteem or the obvious depression I was in. I was purely and not-so-simply trying to feel alive when my heart felt it had died after such a painful loss.

You're already reclaiming your true magical self and questioning this way of trying to out-run grief. It's wonderful that you sought help and talked with the police. Hopefully they can zone in on the only one at fault here, which is him and then he will get what is coming for/to him.

nilbyname · 10/03/2016 13:20

You did nothing wrong in using a hook up site and having sex with lots of people. That's absolutely your choice and not anything to fee shame about.

That man raped you. Plain and simple. You did the right thing in reposting him. Good luck xx

Expellibramus · 10/03/2016 13:25

It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done that would make it your fault.

Mooey89 · 10/03/2016 13:29

Well done lovely, you are so brave. I am a social worker too and it was so hard to speak with e police after my ex was abusive because of all the concerns you raised above. I know I'm late to this but they really are so sensitive and helpful.

You have been so brave. Hope you are as ok as can be.

Just to reiterate - you did not deserve this. You have been raped. I'm so sorry:

sofato5miles · 10/03/2016 13:32

How can hurt you so much that you bleed what an utter, utter bastard

CookieLady · 10/03/2016 13:33

You didn't deserve it. Well done for going to the hospital and the police. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

MrsArthurShappey · 10/03/2016 13:37

Another one chiming in to say you definitely didn't deserve this fairy. And obviously the police feel the same way.

Well done for being so brave Flowers

VenusInFauxFurs · 10/03/2016 13:40

Just wanted to add my support. You did the right thing contacting the police. I'm glad they were supportive.

Please, please don't think any of this was your fault. You invited a man round for consensual sex and instead he committed a criminal act. You did nothing wrong.

You have done a very brave thing in reporting him. Be very, very kind to yourself right now. You are physically and emotionally hurting. It's not surprising that you blamed yourself. We're still conditioned to think that certain behaviour is "asking for it". That's obviously the mindset of this rapist. I hope the police catch this dangerous criminal.

I am single and dating at the moment. I have hooked up with guys just for sex. I don't "deserve" to be raped and assaulted. And neither do you.

Have you tried any bereavement counselling in order to deal with the death of your friend? Not to try and "cure" you of wanting to hook up casual sex partners, obviously. But because it's clearly still causing you a lot of pain.

wonkylampshade · 10/03/2016 14:09

Well done fairy, you brave lady. Everyone is behind you and I'm so glad the police supported you so well. I really hope you are being looked after, sending all good wishes your way Thanks

AnyFucker · 10/03/2016 14:39

Fairy I can see that you have had an avalanche of posts telling that it is not your fault you were raped and I absolutely agree It is true that you should be able to behave in any way you like and not be raped.

however , I think you want someone to hear you and agree that this risk taking you have been doing has to stop now so I will stick my head above the parapet and say those words

please stop being so cavalier with your emotional and sexual health

you deserve to be respected and cherished. It is unlikely you will find this with casual hook ups and inviting strange men back to your house for sex can never make you happy.

you can stop now

my best wishes Thanks

Ginkypig · 10/03/2016 17:01

I'm really pleased you've had a positive experience at a&e and with the police. I know how scared you were to access help.

You are very very brave.

Footle · 10/03/2016 18:11

Well done, and I'm so glad the police are supporting you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/03/2016 19:05

you can stop now

This. If you need and want to hear it. You can give yourself permision to stop, it's ok.

And we'll done on getting support, I know that's hard.

OhShutUpThomas · 10/03/2016 20:04

How are you feeling tonight Fairy?

Evabeaversprotege · 10/03/2016 20:54

I'm very proud of you for reporting this man to the police.

I hope they take action and hopefully save others going through the same.

Sending you healing vibes and the strength to move on from this horrific experience. Flowers

You did the right thing Star

Freezingwinter · 10/03/2016 21:01

Thinking of you Flowers

ILikeToRideMyBicycle · 10/03/2016 21:25

I've got to say that AnyFucker speaks a lot of sense. She usually does.

Some years ago I was extremely promiscuous. I also held down a professional job and only a few, maybe 3, close friends had any idea what I was doing and even they didn't know the full picture. I had sex with different men at least weekly for a prolonged period of time. I mean over a period of years. I don't know how many sexual partners I've had but it's a lot. Condoms? Of course not. Stupid? Yes I know. If I was lucky I knew their first name. I usually went to their place or a hotel or a hidden public place. I was never paid for sex. It was my drug.

I have no big back story as to why I did this. I had a lovely childhood. I was loved but my parents were very strict and I had no exposure to sexual experiences really when I was growing up but when I had freedom I went mad. I had a fairly low self esteem and low self confidence but when I dressed up to go out and I was preparing for sex I was on fire with my confidence! I used to go out alone to bars and clubs and drink to keep my confidence up and dance alone which without fail pulled the men in. I felt powerful. The men were weak. Weak to my sexual charm. Sometimes they would be rough and strong but I wasn't hurt like you have been. I would sometimes be bruised from the force of the sex but not bleeding and crying.
I usually wouldn't stay the night but would go home to clean myself up. When the drink wore off I would hate myself and struggle to understand why I was doing it and I wanted to be able to stop myself. Until the next time.

Eventually I met my husband through work and I fell in love. I no longer wanted all these other men. I just wanted him. He couldn't believe his luck with how much sex we had! Sadly now, the whole thing has caught up with me and I find my history difficult to deal with and sex is difficult for me now.

So, Fairy you know AnyFucker is right. You can stop this now. It's very risky behaviour. You know that. I read your post this morning and I've been thinking of you all day. I wondered whether to PM you or make this public and I decided to put it here so that other people like us realise we are not alone. As I'm thinking about all this I go cold thinking of what I exposed myself to. What could have happened. I'm lucky and I've come away kind of unscathed. I'm thinking of you Fairy and I hope you get to a better safer place.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 10/03/2016 21:32

Well done for reporting to the police.

scarletthollie5 · 10/03/2016 21:55

Horrifying ordeal -that in no way was your fault. Glad you went to A&E .

You do need to take care of yourself. Grief does odd things to our minds as we struggle to cope with the overwhelming loss.

Please look after yourself💐

wallywobbles · 10/03/2016 23:36

Fairy you are a very brave woman. Credit to you.

But sweetheart you need some seriously good counseling. These things all link together. Get some good help. It's not easy to find. As hard as finding a good partner!

Good luck.