Hello everyone
A bit quiet? Is everyone ok?
SlimCheesy, I was on early threads under another name - can't remember what.
Day 16.
Like probably everyone else on this thread :/ I am doubting / considering / pissed off with my relationship. I've been here before. I get hurt by the way he treats me sometimes, he has a superior and dismissive attitude to me (that he has always had, to be honest, even at the very beginning, and it always hurt too) and this evening he basically told me - in quite an agitated and pained way - to shut up because I'm too boring. I asked him why he talks to me like that when I keep telling him it hurts me and isn't ok. He flounced off to bed. He always does that, he will create a massive row out of a tiny one if necessary as an excuse to end the conversation. I am not allowed to ask him to change anything, basically my feelings are a massive inconvenience to him, or worse; they pain him so much that he will do quite insanely dramatic things to stop me being able to impinge on his consciousness with them. (Flouncing off to bed is about the least dramatic)
I wish I hadn't put up with this at the beginning. There were times when I could or should have just thought: this is too hard, this is too painful, this isn't what love and appreciation feel like, I'm ending this. I know why I didn't, just messed up usual low self esteem reasons.
Or maybe I could have found a way to get him to listen to me back then, as a deal breaker if not. if I had had the guts to make it a deal breaker.
I didn't admit that I was hurt for years and I am much more honest (or brave or less defeated or something) with 2 weeks (or more) sobriety under my belt, so we hit these rocky patches when I stop drinking. I somehow lose patience with eating the hurt, and he absolutely refuses to hear me say anything about it, so here we are. Every now and then I stop drinking and the problems caused by drinking ease (a certain kind of intense anxiety and paranoid depression, along with physical exhaustion) and that feels good for a pretty short window. Then the problems that were always there swim back into clarity (low self esteem, low energy, results of series of bad choices, general low level depression, extreme boredom and loneliness)
I guess this is where I was when I was whingeing on Saturday night. Sorry to be all moany again.
I'm tired of this crappy relationship and having nothing to look forward to. Things like going on holiday are awful and exhausting because of the snoring and lack of sleep and his general lack of appreciation for me. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about not going away together this summer. We can book separate weeks off and that will help with childcare / school holidays. we can just do separate things and I don't have to worry about drinking myself into oblivion to put up with sharing a bed.
Sorry this is so long. I don't really have anyone to talk to and all this drives me mad in my head.
I'm just dominating this thread with waffling ... I'm sorry. I try so hard not to talk to DP by mistake because I know I bore him and now I'm doing it to you. Sorry