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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When a married ex wants to meet up?

170 replies

chickentikkasarnie · 03/03/2016 09:14

Bit of a blast from the past, not seen for many years and was never a serious relationship. Have messaged here and there over FB but just very brief hellos and we're not really friends as such.

He wanted to meet for a drink and catch up and I just wanted to check there's nothing wrong with that is there?

I do go for drinks with married men sometimes but usually I know their wives /girlfriends and they are people I am close friends or colleagues with?

OP posts:

nowyoucmo · 04/03/2016 14:53

I'd be more worried about the state of some of the dodgy spelling coming your way if I were you, OP!

Original poster

chickentikkasarnie · 04/03/2016 15:01

You're making so many assumptions there Offred!!!!!

I haven't seen him for 15 years because I was living on the other side of the world, so same for all my school friends apart from the ones I was very close to and visited or who visited me. Perfectly normal to catch up with them, as I have been doing. I'd have caught up a lot earlier if I'd actually been here and I would not have hesitated for a split second if he was a woman or single.

Simply put, I felt it utterly fucking daft to turn down the invitation because he was married - or to assume that married people can't enjoy a catch up with someone from the past.

Disappointed that you felt any of her hideous comments were justified, but my personal favourite was when she said she hoped my future husband cheated on me.

I guess as and when that happens I shall know i brought that on myself for going for that pint in 2016.

OP posts:

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 04/03/2016 15:10

You've done absolutely nothing wrong op!

motherinferior · 04/03/2016 15:14

Woman Has Drink With School Friend Shock Horror. Colour me crazy biatch too...

motherinferior · 04/03/2016 15:21

I message school friends I'm on FB with if I'm going back to the city where they still live. It's nice to catch up after several decades. Booze is often involved. Some of them are male. My home and theirs remain unwrecked.

Slowdecrease · 04/03/2016 15:24

And the moral of the tale is all 's well that ends well. Next.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 04/03/2016 15:26

Likewise motherinferior, I've routinely socialised with women friends both married and unattached. I've managed to avoid sex with them in 100% of these scenarios. Maybe I'm special. My Mum tells me I am. However, I think it more likely that the world is full of people meeting up and not having sex. Who knew?

WeveGotAHomelessLove · 04/03/2016 15:26

Woman Has Drink With School Friend Shock Horror. Colour me crazy biatch too

If the OP had of put " when an old male school friend wants to meet up?" then she probably wouldnt have got the replys she did but she didnt she threw in he was an 'ex' and he was 'married' hence the replys she got.

Halftruth · 04/03/2016 15:32

I 've corrected that post ... Directly below it... *doesn't ...and why are you trying to play a victim . his wife and kids are the victim's here ...

motherinferior · 04/03/2016 15:35

I can assure you that if my partner has a quick after-work drink with a school friend I do not feel like a victim. Whether or not they dated for a few weeks some decades ago.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 04/03/2016 15:37

What exactly are his wife and kids the victim of?

nowyoucmo · 04/03/2016 15:39

Victims of what? A trip to the pub?

I'm sorry if this thread has hit close to home for you Half but I think OP has a point and you might owe her a wee apology or five.

That said, I was in the 'don't go!' camp at the start of this thread.

But like a PP said - all's well. No harm done! Hooray!

for Chicken for Jan45

Original poster

chickentikkasarnie · 04/03/2016 15:44

I know in a scenario like that there was a chance he fancied a little bit more than a catch up. I wasn't worried I'd end up doing anything, what I was worried about was that I don't know his wife and I didn't want it to appear anything funny was going on.

In the end, the questions I asked myself were (a) has he done anything to make you think he wants sex- answer was no. (b) if you'd never had a relationship with him would you want to meet -answer was absolutely yes.

So I figured it was daft to not go.

I do think varied opinions are the point of thread discussions, but some of the comments here were just daft and obviously have nothing to do with this situation at all.

Ghost and mother, yes I do like a beer and catch up with old friends and have managed to to have sex with any of them either. As it happenned, he is very, very happily married and it was just as it was.

His wife isn't the victim of anything at all, other than having a strong enough marriage that he hubby can catch up with an old mate without her needing to worry about it.

Seems to me exactly what a good marriage should be about.

OP posts:

nowyoucmo · 04/03/2016 15:46

Have managed NOT to have sex with... I presume you mean, OP!

Original poster

chickentikkasarnie · 04/03/2016 15:47

Lol, yes.

OP posts:

nowyoucmo · 04/03/2016 15:48

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 04/03/2016 15:49

Well, either way, you're not responsible for his intentions are you? He is. You're only responsible for your own actions.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/03/2016 15:51

My guess is that he is looking for his lost youth. Exactly what happen with my ex and his teenage flame.

Jan45 · 04/03/2016 15:54

OP, please don't pay any attention to some of the nasty and totally unintelligent responses - really, we are nobody in your life, you know yourself you have done nothing wrong so don't let some bitter poster spoil your day!

I get what you are saying about what a marriage should be like and in an ideal world yes but let's face it we can all suffer from a bit of that green eyed monster, in fact, I think it can be healthy, it's a reminder of how much you fancy and love your OH even if it is a bit irrational.

Halftruth · 04/03/2016 15:59

My friend didn't have a problem with her now ex doing the same thing ....6 month's down the line ... He's away leaving her to deal with the betrayal and there 3 children,2 of which have alot of difficulties and the other 1 is old enough to know what his mother is going through ... What might be an innocent bit of fun to one person can have devastating effect on the another

nowyoucmo · 04/03/2016 16:00

That's vile but not OP's fault.

Halftruth · 04/03/2016 16:01

And your not an old mate your and ex which you clearly stated...

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 04/03/2016 16:02

That sounds awful Halftruth. He sounds like a shit. Some people are but most are not.

motherinferior · 04/03/2016 16:04

You mean because they went out for a few weeks decades ago?

Original poster

chickentikkasarnie · 04/03/2016 16:05

HalfTruth, I completely trusted my xDP. He was very loving to me, we had a great sex life, he never went for drinks with other women, he doted on me, he never had OW in his phone or on his Facebook and never met up with old school friends -but every time he went away over 11 years on business he fucked a diferrent prostitute. Sharing them sometimes with his colleagues, and everyone but me knew about this.

Shit happens.

People do bad things.

but you have projected that onto me and I am guilty of nothing.

Plenty of men go for drinks with women or go away on business and do terrible things.

OP posts:

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