When a married ex wants to meet up?

[chickentikkasarnie]

Bit of a blast from the past, not seen for many years and was never a serious relationship. Have messaged here and there over FB but just very brief hellos and we're not really friends as such.

He wanted to meet for a drink and catch up and I just wanted to check there's nothing wrong with that is there?

I do go for drinks with married men sometimes but usually I know their wives /girlfriends and they are people I am close friends or colleagues with?

You didn't no his mate either ...more holes than swiss cheese this story ... I'm not going to change my mind now... Some people are just selfish and only think of themselves... I just hope you remember the reaction you got and that next time you get your self involved with married men

Halftruth I am ignoring your comments from now on. You're a troll.

Jan I've never met anyone for a coffee in my life. I don't meet people for coffee, I meet them for a beer after work. Perfectly normal thing to do.

Slow, No, but we picked a bar next to his office so don't think he planned it, they were just around as were quite a few people he knew.

I didn't call her a home wrecker ,but if you feel the shoe's fit it your choice to wear them .... I'm just imagining that poor women reading this thread ... And what her reaction would be i bet she didn't even know ... I can see it now...."hi love ,just going for a pint with chris after work" no mention of you and your mate sounds more like a double date ....

Well why would he meet up with an ex after work? If he cant even take his wife out.

What makes this sound even worse is the fact he went out straight after work to meet up with an ex instead of going home to his wife and kids.

Ahh a happy ending!
What a weird thread.

How strange having never met anyone for a coffee!

I meet friends for drinks yes but I'd not meet up with an ex from years ago and go drinking with him but that's me, guess this just shows how we are all different.

Did you know he was bringing a friend and vice versa, and why if neither of your friends know either of you two, sorry it just sounds odd.

I do believe though that his invite made you uncomfortable and that's why you posted.

And i will apologise to any of you that think i'm being to harsh ... But believe me i could be alot worse ... Yes personal experience is playing a major part in my reaction to this post ... I can't believe people have no respect for. There vowel's and if he had wrote on hear i would of told him too ... Im not a troll ....but you have really annoyed me ....

I am going to leave the thread now, it's become a witch hunt and is a waste of my time.

In your view by the very act of being asked to meet a male friend I had a short relationship with more than a decade ago I am guilty of something.

Perhaps as you stir your broomsticks in your cauldrons you are picturing me as some sexy career woman in a pencil skirt, sneakily trying to snag a married man off some poor frumpy housewife stuck at home with the children?

Of so easy eh?

I came to ask a question, it was answered.

All other comments are designed to project hate onto me because you're upset at someone else...your own ex husbands or the real homewreckers?

You have called me a liar (more than once) with zero evidence.
You have called me a homerecker with zero evidence
You have said people like me are to blame for the awful things that happen on these boards.

You should be fucking ashamed.

The only reason you are doing that is because you are bitter. There is no other reason for it as absolutely nothing in this thread supports anything you are saying.

Perhaps see a counsellor to explore those unresolved issues instead of trolling on Mumsnet.

Think whatever you like, it matters zero to me what you think as it says absolutely everyhting about you and absolutely nothing about me.

Thanks to those who gave sensible answers and id not try to make me a scapgoat for every OW out there who stole a husband!

What the fuck happened here?

A woman wanted an opinion on a situation. She got the opinions, decided to compromise and met up with a old friend, in a public location which was then checked into on FB. Which meant all of their friends could see they were together and where.....

Now as a result this woman is being called a homewrecker? And accused of trying to have an affair?

Maybe the wife does know. Maybe the wife didn't want to go. I can think of many times my H has gone out with people and I've not wanted to go, so stayed home. This includes going camping with a female, and going bowling with a female (and our and her children)......Maybe the wife was out with her own friends?

Massive leap, and overly harsh pps.

Oh here we go, anybody that dosent agree with you or has a strong opinion is a troll.

Bye bye OP

Jan as you asked civilised questions, I will answer just those.

Sorry, I don't meet people for coffee. I have never met anyone for coffee. It's actually one of my pet hates. "Meeting for a coffee". Seems like such a mumsy thing to do and completely not me. Can't think of anything worse! I also don't ever carry a handbag (use pockets) and I realise most women do.

If I am socialising with anyone, we meet for a pint. Each to their own. If any person I knew asked me to meet them, it would always be for a drink after work. It's the only time I can actually do anyway with work and being home for DC so while I can see in your view this is more "date" like, it's not in mine.

The friend that came with me did know him. She texted me in the afternoon and I said "guess who I am going to meet" and she said she'd pass through after work and meet us so she did. I see her all the time, and she was in school with us too and also hadn't seen him for years (and she also dated him FYI). Not uncommon in London for people to meet for drinks after work and we all live quite far apart but commute via the same mainline station home. The man he was with, he was with when I walked in. As I said, place was next door to his office so there was a bunch in there and I was 20 minutes late due to a signal failure.

hope that satisfies.

If you read it through the OP states this man is an ex not just an old male friend, his wife didnt go because he went straight after work so maybe she didnt have an option.

No..wevegot

In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory,[1] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[2] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion,[3] often for their own amusement.

That is exactly what happenned above.

There was absolutely zero on here to suggest an affair, guilt on my behalf for anything and I was flamed in the extreme for doing abslutely nothing.

= TROLLING.

that is not disagreeing.

If you hark back I actually did not have an opinion with which to disagree with. I made the thread to help me decide, which is did.

The only "opinion" I disagree with on this thread is that I am homewrecker, liar, silly, selfish and the various other things I have been called for no apparent reason.

Yes but I was really answering your original question when it was just the two of you that were meeting - that since changed and that's fine.

I still stand by my opinion, I'd not meet any ex no matter what for drinks, end of.

That's not to say everyone has to do the same!

I do think you've been harshly treated on here by some posters though, nothing like projecting your own issues onto others huh!

I know what a troll is thanks, you asked if there was anything wrong with meeting up with an ex and people gave there opinions and experiences, you didnt agree so then called them trolls, now your leaving the thread.

This thread is weird.

The reason people are saying it was a poor choice is expressed in your own words here;

"I was a tiny bit "hmmmm" at the invitation, so I took someone along and turned out I had nothing to worry about. End of story. And yes, I would have felt guilty if there was something in it, hence I was questioning it a little but I'd also feel pretty sad and deprived if I couldn't have a catch up with someone from the past for reasons that might be silly."

And here;

"he was an ex for a few weeks as teenagers"

You cannot be sure with these things unless you meet. If he had been after something you would have got yourself into the middle of someone's marriage. For the sake of feeling a bit sad over not catching up with a BF you had 15 years ago as a teenager for a few weeks.

It is inconsiderate behaviour to test out your theory by meeting. It shows poor boundaries and weird over connection to people who really should mean very little to you.

If you do this kind of thing I think you will, at some point if not with this guy, put yourself in someone's marriage. That's what people are saying.

Seriously? you think this is people giving opinions and experiences?

Facts are:

1. Person I went to school with asks me to meet for a drink after work. As I had a shot relationship with him and he was married, I wasn't sure if it was iffy.

1. I decided I'd like to catch up but to meet in a public place and leave if anything was weird. As it turned out we weren't alone and nothing iffy happenned.

1. While thing was very public, and wife as well as 50 other nutual FB friends would have known we all met for an hour after work.

That's it.

Resulting comments were:

I just hope when you do settle down with the man you deem worthy enough to marry and have children with ... Some ex does catch his eye

You should alway's put yourself in the other women's shoe's ... I don't think that i could cope with the knowledge that i was a homewrecker

You expect us/me to believe that. You might as well change your user name if you don't want people to remember the fact that u were considering quiet callously to engage in something that you knew would hurt someone else

You 've dug your whole ....now your expecting to just climb out

If you can look in the mirror and like what stare's back then good for you

i care about the fact that so many marriage's get destroyed but silly people like you

Some people are just selfish and only think of themselves

I just hope you remember the reaction you got and that next time you get your self involved with married men

you and your mate sounds more like a double date

You honestly going to sit there and claim any of those comments are acceptable? or that me being upset about them is due to my inability to hear the opinions of others?

the problem on this thread ain't me.

I didnt say those comments were acceptable, i said that you should of expected different opinions and experiences, i cant control what other people write but i know i havent said anything trollish or horrible to you.

i do believe you shouldnt of went but your an adult and you can make your decisions but you did ask a question on mumsnet so you shouldnt have expected anything less than what you got.

I'm explaining to you why people think you have behaved badly because you still seem to think you have not done anything which could be remotely criticised. I am not defending other people's ways of making that point to you.

However, IMO people got progressively more annoyed with you because you posted a thread with a goady name in a place where people often post about being cheated on and then behaved pretty stroppily which wound up those other posters who are not me.

Your life and your choices but if you are the kind of person who chooses to put themselves in people's marriages in this way and then boast about it on MN you should expect a bad reaction...

Good first post BTW.

Offred I have long respected your posts, but sorry, you're wrong in some of that.

Going for drinks with an ex does not mean I will one day break up someone's marriage.

And people on here did not all think it was a bad idea. They had mixed opinions.

The only ones that bothered me are the ones who said outrageous things.

Also, I don't think I haven't done anything wrong. I know I haven't.

I didn't say break up a marriage I said put yourself in someone else's marriage.

Back to work anyway, can't see any point in continuing to discuss this and it's eating into my work day and has upset me a great deal - and I am ashamed at letting one internet lunatic with an agenda get to me.

Thanks to all those who added sensibly to the discussion and helped me make the decision which was right for me.

Ok so blame me for your choice's.... And i won't post anymore . i think you get the idea that YOU ARE VERY WRONG WITH YOUR ACTIONS ...

Not all the posts you listed were outrageous.

I hate the home wrecker thing. It's the married man that wrecks a relationship.

I think the double date one was slightly weird and irrelevant.

I agree that doing something like this is selfish and inconsiderate. I don't think any of the other posts you quoted are that far away from the truth given this was some guy you haven't seen for 15 years and who you dated for a few weeks as a teenager and therefore can't matter to you.