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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finally read "why does he do that" and learned my dh is abusive

185 replies

Mamaka · 01/03/2016 08:36

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks but what I've learnt here has blown my mind and opened my eyes.
I am finally reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and have realised I am married to an abuser. I would describe him, from what I've read so far, as water torturer with some demand man and Mr right thrown in. I would also say it seems like low level abuse that ends up wearing you down but after something that happened this morning (after I very consciously changed my usual behaviour to see what would happen) I'm thinking that it's probably only been low level because I've always placated him and gone to him to make up after an argument.
I have to say I'm partly devastated, partly frustrated with myself (how could I be so blind when my own childhood was abusive) but very much relieved to find that I AM NOT CRAZY.
I would like support, encouragement, advice. I haven't yet made any decision about what to do.

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Mamaka · 11/03/2016 07:27

Pannacott - thanks for that, I thought the same about the EA and it not being as obvious and as awful as other threads I've read. I think the outcome of his behaviour is still that I FEEL abused though so I'm not going back to what it was and if he can't/won't change then we'll have to accept that it's over. I'll have a look for the thread you mention.

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Mamaka · 11/03/2016 07:52

Thanks Romiiroo. Luckily my h has agreed to get the ball rolling with ASD assessment so is seemingly (at the moment) happy to question whether there is something about him that can be worked on. Like you said I definitely need to be working on boundaries. I have been looking a bit at that different together website. It seems that a lot of the emotion has to come out of a relationship to make it successful and I don't know if I want to do that.
Whether or not I can move past the EA:
"I think I could have worked my way through my anger and upset about the reasons for the end of our marriage if we had got to the place where we had a mutual understanding of the dynamic which had led us there and were both prepared to really engage on ways to resolve it." I completely agree with this point. It absolutely has to be mutual. I am never again going back to the miserable place of accepting all responsibility and putting in all the work. With ANYONE not just my h. This has been a recurring theme in my life, my dad wanted me to accept all responsibility and change myself if I wanted a relationship with him. We are now NC. My uncle is similar, also NC with him. My stepdad too and I have minimal contact with him. In fact the more I look around me the more I see unhealthy relationships in my life that need shaking up or cutting out. Feels a bit daunting.

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Pannacott · 11/03/2016 09:45

Glad it was helpful Smile. The other thread I mentioned is also in relationships and is called something like 'Have you ever left a relationship because you couldn't handle their mental health condition / disability anymore?' I think I was a bit harsh when I commented on it tho, I hadn't realised the DP was only recently diagnosed Blush. I can imagine it is a bit daunting to see the extent of the changes you might want to make, but do hold on to the idea that it is simultaneously exciting / empowering... I know personally I'm always too reluctant to change because it's so much easier to represent what is being lost than what might be gained. But change nearly always works out to be much much better than I anticipated. Although sometimes it takes a while!

RomiiRoo · 11/03/2016 20:56

It is daunting, mamaka, and the thing is, I think, once you realise, it is also the case that your life doesn't look the same again, because you change how you understand past/present relationships and enter future ones. On the plus side, once you work through it all, I believe you get to a more authentic and healthier self (and this is a better role model for your DC).

For me, it was a bit the other way around, I knew I had dysfunctional relationships which I struggled with, but after I left my marriage, I started to dissect these other relationships and recognise the patterns, and have ended up NC with parents and a couple of other people formerly close; and still working on boundaries with others. All of this takes time to come to terms with.

There is a book by Cloud and Townsend which is called Boundaries - when to say yes and when to say no to take control of your life (or something like that). It is written from a religious perspective, but in some ways, I found the religious perspective helpful, because themes like Love thy neighbour and Honour thy mother and father are so pervasive in society, whereas boundaries are not incompatible with compassion and love - it is about healthy relationships, and sometimes it is necessary to draw boundaries around unhealthy ones; this is not wrong.

"It seems that a lot of the emotion has to come out of a relationship to make it successful" - yes. My husband would respond to practical suggestions, as long as they were workable within his structured life, but firstly, I would have to make all the suggestions, and secondly, it was an emotional desert. When you are single, you don't expect emotional support; when you are married, you do. But as I said, I would leave longer term decisions right now, and focus on what you need day to day for you. It sounds overdue.

Mamaka · 14/03/2016 10:13

Well, I had my birthday over the weekend and managed to enjoy it. Spent most of it with family and friends and then last night dh came to cook me dinner. We managed to have quite a fruitful conversation and I feel like we have made progress. Now that we suspect he has Aspergers it seems clearer to me that he doesn't actually follow the abusers script, he follows the AS script. There are things he has done which I would still count as abusive but when I explained them to him he was shocked and very upset to learn that I felt abused.
He has decided to go for an assessment, he is supposed to be calling GP today. He has also decided to find a counsellor with AS experience to help him manage himself and learn empathy and social and communication skills. He has made himself a routine which includes, work, study, time set apart to spend with the dc, time set apart to pay attention to me, cleaning and relaxing. He has said he will begin to use the routine while at his sister's so he can prove to me that he can stick to his word. This morning he spent a few mins texting me, sending funny voice notes to the dc, taking silly pics of himself for them etc. He has text to say he loves me. These are things he hasn't done in 5 years.
I have told him that I'm happy he is doing all this but I'm still unsure whether I can live the rest of my life like this, without genuine affection or heartfelt loving communication. He has accepted and respected that.
Whatever happens I feel in a much better place than I have done for a long time.
I'm so so glad I took the advice of all on here and insisted on this trial separation as it is really helpful to see more clearly!

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Pannacott · 14/03/2016 16:47

That's good to hear that you enjoyed some good birthday treats and celebrations SmileAnd good to hear you've got a helpful perspective re DH, and that he seems to be putting some genuine effort into making changes. I hope it is fruitful, but as you say it might not be enough. Challenging times!

Also it sounds like you did really well in asking him to leave to give you both some time to think, and to show him how serious you were about need for change. Best of luck.

Jux · 14/03/2016 18:52

You sound really positive compared to how you sounded when you first posted. Happy birthday, btw.

Mamaka · 16/03/2016 20:58

Huge breakthrough over here! My h just stood up to his mum for the first time EVER!! And probably also for the first time ever I felt that my wishes were respected.
He has continued to make effort and he is now thinking about how he can make it last. He's been making actual notes and everything.
I feel hopeful that this might actually turn into something really good.

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RomiiRoo · 16/03/2016 21:20

Grin at making notes, that is really sweet. My separated (soon to be divorced!) H simply says what he thinks I want to hear and gets on with his life Hmm. It sounds like yours might actually mean business with trying to work things out. Good luck to both of you, this is looking much more hopeful Flowers

Mamaka · 16/03/2016 21:56

Thank you!! Flowers to you too x

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