Finally read "why does he do that" and learned my dh is abusive

[Mamaka]

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks but what I've learnt here has blown my mind and opened my eyes.
I am finally reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and have realised I am married to an abuser. I would describe him, from what I've read so far, as water torturer with some demand man and Mr right thrown in. I would also say it seems like low level abuse that ends up wearing you down but after something that happened this morning (after I very consciously changed my usual behaviour to see what would happen) I'm thinking that it's probably only been low level because I've always placated him and gone to him to make up after an argument.
I have to say I'm partly devastated, partly frustrated with myself (how could I be so blind when my own childhood was abusive) but very much relieved to find that I AM NOT CRAZY.
I would like support, encouragement, advice. I haven't yet made any decision about what to do.

Yes, there is a happy story. We did end up with 50/50 care which has been tough at times but generally has worked out well. XH did buck his ideas up once we'd moved into separate houses and overall has actually been a pretty good dad to them. I'm lucky though as I've always earned similar (and sometimes more) than him & so we don't do any sort of maintenance for the Dc's.
My Dc's are happy, well adjusted, doing great at school and so far we've managed to get most of the way through the teenage years without any problems. I've never bad mouthed their dad but they know what he's like and totally understand now why we split - while still having a pretty good relationship with him. They were very young when it happened though (6 & 4) so hardly remember us being together anyway. It's their normal IYSWIM.
I look at some of their school friends and think mine are far better adjusted emotionally than others with parents who are only staying together 'for the kids'.
Don't worry, you are doing the right thing.

Give his sister's address. Don't even say he'll be moving on unless they ask you. In which case tell them he will supply a forwarding address when he gets his own place

You need what financial help there is. Let him deal with his own housing problems

Did you make an appointment with a solicitor?

Haven't thought about a solicitor at all, what would a solicitor help with?
Cantthink - thanks for sharing your story I am really hoping it goes that well for us. Do you or he have new partners?
I have for ages been teaching my dc about treating each other with respect, using kind words and kind tone of voice, making eye contact when speaking, saying when they don't like something instead of sulking, etc etc. They are only 2 and 3 but the older one is getting the hang of it and I've heard her say to her dad "look me in my eye daddy" when she's trying to have a conversation with him!

A solicitor will help you with sorting the house and divorce etc. Although we ended up doing a diy one after two years separation just because ours was v straightforward 50/50 split on everything.
We both have new partners. I been with mine for a long time & we bought a house together last year. He's had two new partners, one was for about 3 years and his latest has been around about two years now. They seem happy together which I'm pleased about as he's much less annoying when he's with someone!
Sounds like you're a lovely mum teaching them respect & how to express themselves. It'll be much easier once you're free of him as you can model that respectful behaviour all the time.

If your ex is a reasonable and trustworthy person, then you might do without a solicitor, but he's not, is he? He's already playing you up and making things difficult for you, so a solicitor will be a boon to you. Ask around for recommendations.

Could do with some hand holding tonight. I've had a lovely evening but now I'm sitting alone over thinking things I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept what's happened.

I keep looking at photos of my kids with him and crying!!!

Sorry to hear you're sad tonight. It's normal to feel sad and cry, you're going through a grieving process. It's grief for the relationship you thought you had and the future you thought you'd have. It takes a while to accept your new reality. Be kind to yourself, bit of comfort food, trashy tv or films, whatever you want to watch (& remember that's another advantage - full control of the to remote!).

Thank you again canttalk. Finding your posts v helpful. I've got my favourite music on and am sitting on the sofa which he usually occupies completely leaving no space for me. Charming eh. I've been drinking lots of tea and eating my kind of comfort food (avocados!!) It really does feel like bereavement.

Glad to help. Another positive, the whole sofa to yourself!
It is a process similar to bereavement and you will have good and bad days. It's not going to be easy but just keep reminding yourself that you've done the hard part, you've had the conversation and told him to leave. It's a bit like they say, when you're going through hell keep going...
Enjoy your music & avocado.

Much better day today. I've told one close friend and my sister. My sis was angry but said she had seen the change in me and was glad I was taking steps. My friend gave me exactly the kind of support I needed, zero judgement and so encouraging and had a lot of unexpected wisdom to share.
My kids are starting to ask where daddy is. I told them he's working today which is true, not sure what I'm going to say tomorrow when they wake up and he's still not there. Could do with some ideas.

My sister was angry at him, I should say.

Nice to see you gathering support.

I can't really help on what to say to the children, but you could say something along the lines of "sometimes it is better to live in different places when one person is very unkind to the others".

Age appropriate information which is honest. Daddy is staying with (sister's name) at the moment; he still loves you, but sometimes Mummies and Daddies are happier in different places for a while.

If you remain apart, as we did, it becomes part of their life (if they are young like yours).

When things settle down, it is important to argue for a consistent routine of contact. My XH tried to use the DC as a way of getting at me in various ways and my main aim was consistent contact. That he left me alone and saw the DC regularly at the same time (this turned out to be the standard EOW but it took some getting there).

You are a long way from this, but to answer your question - honesty but not bad mouthing him. If they ask when they will see him - you don't know, you know they want to see him and you are trying to sort it out.

Then focus on something else.

By the way, it is fine to be sad, even if you are the one who said enough to it all. You did so to protect your health and wellbeing and longer term, that of your DC.
I was distraught at the end of my marriage. It broke my heart. We tried reconciling last summer, but nothing had changed apart from words. It is very easy, if you end it, to think you have made a mistake, you are somehow wrong. Particularly if you still love them. But the relationship you were in was not love.

Not sure what the point of that post was - sadness and mixed emotions are normal, I guess. For a long time! But life is better if you can breathe and act freely.

Thank you all your words are really helping. We ended up staying at my sister's last night which the kids were v excited about so no questions so far today. I imagine we'll go home at bedtime tonight so they won't ask then either, then tomorrow is back to him being at work so they'll assume he's in work for the next few days while I think about how to explain things. I was thinking something along the lines of, mummy and daddy are taking some time out to practise being kind and not shouting. This will be familiar to them as it's something I make them do.
I've got a childcare plan in place but still no car - zero funds for hiring and can't borrow one from anywhere. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and ask my clients to come to me and if they're unwilling I'll tell them I can't keep their appointments for this month.
It's my birthday coming up and he had planned a surprise party for me. According to my sister he is continuing with the plans. I really want to celebrate with all the friends that have been invited and don't want to have to tell them about what's going on so I'm thinking of just going ahead with it and continuing with no contact the following day. I don't know if this is a good plan? I know he'll be thinking that his grand gesture will help his position and is probably expecting that I'll forgive him because he's organised a party for me. I'm torn between wanting to celebrate anyway and not wanting to see him?

No - invite your friends to a different event without him. Assume that as you are split you are free to celebrate your birthday as and when you wish. If ANY friend spills to him then you know they are not your friends. Get your sister to talk to them all and manoeuvre them to a different venue for your birthday.

I agree with Doreen. Re-organise it somehow (Doreen's suggestion is good), ask your sis for help on this. I would also, after I'd spoken to everyone else, tell ex that you won't be having his party, that you won't be there.

The surprise party sounds to me like a trap. You will have to spend the whole night being lovey-dovey with him in front of your friends, which will make it harder for you to admit to everyone what a shit he is, or you'll have to spend the night giving him the cold shoulder and then you will be portrayed as the heartless bitch who give her husband a hard time even after he threw her a surprise party.

You need to start thinking about this like a game of chess where you have to be a couple of moves ahead of him.

This is too hard! Why does he have to be such a shit?! I just want to celebrate my flipping birthday!!

Stay strong - you CAN do this. I was where you are just over 12 months ago. I also read Lundy Bancroft while we were still together, and 'observed' his behaviour and journaled it all, before asking him to leave. He'd always made me believe I was mad, mental, crazy and imagining things, so the journal really helped as I KNEW he'd said and done the things I alleged. Sure enough, he practically followed the script word for word.
We are now divorced - he spent a fortune in a solicitor, I had 2 hours of paid for advice and did the rest myself. Not boasting at all, but I just plodded through it, telling the truth. I didn't do mediation, as I knew he'd bully me in to submission. We went to court and I received 100% of the equity in the marital home and a decent sum of maintenance per month for two children. This resulted in him moaning at his solicitor for being useless!!!
The children live with me 11 out of 14 days, despite him threatening the "you're an unfit mother, you won't cope, I'll get custody blah, blah, blah".
Anyhow, I've just sold the house, and am using the equity to purchase a lease on a shop (I'm a florist) 200 miles away, am renting a lovely house for me and the children and moving on to A BRAND NEW LIFE. I didn't work before, he didn't want me to and was isolated from family and friends. He used to tell me "people don't like you, you're this, that and the other" which I believed, so it's been amazing to find people actually DO like me.
You'll be surprised at what you have the strength and ability to do - all the negative things he put in your head will disappear.
YOU CAN ALSO DO THIS (or what it is YOU want to do with YOUR life). You will MORE than cope without him and no matter how many times he cries that he'll change HE WON'T. No matter what you do to try and make him change IT WON'T WORK.
Please - you've actually done the hardest part, which is accepting that they're abusive and getting rid. The rest won't always be easy, but you'll have your sanity, and that's priceless. Life is so short, please move forwards without him because you CAN DO IT and will be so much happier.
Wishing you every blessing, stay strong - you're right - it is like grieving, because we grieve for what we THOUGHT we had, and what we thought we were giving our children. The reality of life with an abuser is crap though, they keep us hooked with the nice stuff and make us feel it's our fault they're nasty. The nice stuff is worth nothing in the end though, because we pay for it with our sanity and health.
You will find lasting happiness without him.

And remember - once you are separated, which you are - you do not need his permission to say or do anything. He has NO HOLD OVER YOU ANYMORE.

Arrange your own birthday with the people you want to spend it with and leave him to explain to 'his' party guests (if anyone goes!) why there is no party.

You owe him nothing - you've already given him more than enough of your life and love. He won't change and I know that's hard to hear. He will not become the man you want him to be, and the man you see glimpses of when he's nice. The real him is the shit him, and it's NEVER been you that caused that, ever. Xx

Da1sycha1n - thanks for this. Really needing to read all the amazing stories of life after abusive marriage I can get. I cracked tonight and text him, asking to ring if he wanted to say goodnight to the kids. They have been so good all weekend and tonight I told them that mummy and daddy were taking a time out to practise being kind to each other (they're only v little) and then my dd wanted to say goodnight, hence the text. Well anyway he didn't call and didn't reply. Now I wish I hadnt text. I need more strength to stay no contact! It's just when it starts to affect the dc...don't know how to deal with that.

Love that you now have your own shop! Good things can come of these shitty situations.
It is very hard to think that he won't change and that I've subjected my dc to a life with a crap dad. Feel absolutely rubbish for that.

Uh oh....feel like I'm dangerously close to calling him and screaming down the phone at him. Also feel very anti men right now.