Finally read "why does he do that" and learned my dh is abusive

[Mamaka]

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks but what I've learnt here has blown my mind and opened my eyes.
I am finally reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and have realised I am married to an abuser. I would describe him, from what I've read so far, as water torturer with some demand man and Mr right thrown in. I would also say it seems like low level abuse that ends up wearing you down but after something that happened this morning (after I very consciously changed my usual behaviour to see what would happen) I'm thinking that it's probably only been low level because I've always placated him and gone to him to make up after an argument.
I have to say I'm partly devastated, partly frustrated with myself (how could I be so blind when my own childhood was abusive) but very much relieved to find that I AM NOT CRAZY.
I would like support, encouragement, advice. I haven't yet made any decision about what to do.

Thank you pocketsaviour xx

Mamaka, have you heard of the Freedom Programme. I would definitely recommend it to you. It will really help you recognise the red flags, the nasty little subtle manipulations, that abusers use. It will also strengthn you and increase your self-belief, confidence and certainty in your own judgement. See if there's one running near you.

Thanks Jux. There is one about half an hour away from me. Is it a course you sign up to? Can you do it online? Will look into it, thanks.

I asked my dh for a trial separation last night. Today he's agreed to move out for a bit. He seems very concerned that nobody should know, which I'm finding a bit strange. I've decided I'm going to tell my sister and my closest friend, regardless of what he wants.

He doesn't want to look bad.

I suspect he thinks he will get you to co operate so doesn't want anyone to know he's behaved in a way that meant you asked him to leave.

Ok, that's what I thought. Thanks for confirming it for me.

So that when you STFU with your nagging and whinging, he can slide right back in and nobody needs to be any the wiser about how his behaviour has pushed you to this point.

Tell whoever you want, when you want and how much you want. Do not let him cut off your sources of support.

Don't be his secret keeper.

Tell who you need to tell. I was amazed and still am at how many people I "know" didn't really have any friends have come forward to offer advice, support, cup of coffee and a chat.

I now have a wide circle of people off line I can call in on and they do call in on me, I never had that before. I only had one friend who knew the truth and he made sure we stayed as distanced as we could.

No evening phone calls, wanting to know who I was texting. It's because he believed I was doing what he was doing where all I was doing is having normal friendship bonds with people other than just him.

I definitely won't be his secret keeper, I'm sure he must know that already he's just trying his luck. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of friends, funnily enough he doesn't really have any.
I've just been going over the last few years in my head and I've remembered him saying once that he'd heard an advert on the radio about emotional abuse and he thought maybe he was doing that to me. What does that mean? Was he not aware of what he was doing?

Don't try to analyse him. Would it better for him to have had some insight to what he was doing but then to carry on doing it anyway ? He could have stopped at any time.

The only thing you need to be mindful of is how it has affected you

Only think about you, what is best for you. You will tie yourself up in knots trying to figure it all out otherwise.

I have no hate for my stbx, I feel sorry for him in some ways but not sorry enough to stay living under his shadow anymore.

One reason he doesn't want people to know is because then you won't have emotional support. That is how it works - you have nothing to be ashamed of, speak to who you need to.

Ok, no more analysing everything he says.
We've agreed a date for him to move out which coincides with him starting his new job so I can keep the car. We've started looking for rooms in shared accommodation nearby as that will be all we can afford. Does anyone know if kids are OK staying overnight in shared accommodation? We've decided to keep timetable roughly the same for now, he has kids when I'm in work, I have them when he's in work. Split the weekends. Money wise, he will pay his rent and half our mortgage/bills. I will pay other half and see if I can get reduction on council tax (is this likely?). I have located passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate. Both our names are on deeds of house. I have my own bank account and am gradually putting bits of money away, very little as we have no spare money really. But I'm good with saving and cutting costs. I'm going to let dc's preschool know.
Have I missed anything urgent??

Can't help but feel excited. I already know how freeing it will feel as I've felt it when I've been away in the past (should have known then what to do). Is it silly that one of the most exciting thoughts is being able to put some colour back in the house?! I love colour and he's made the entire house different versions of brown.

Let the council know the date he moves out and you will get a 25% reduction for single adult occupancy.

He's packed a bag and says he's going to his sister's tonight!!!
Even leaving has to be on his terms. Puts me right in the shit cos I won't have car. What to do?

This is just a continuation of his abuse. He knows your eyes have been opened and feels on the back foot. I bet he thinks that once he is out, you won't let him back, Please please please let him be right!

I suspect his abuse will get much worse. Don't react, just smile and nod and get a solicitor so he is eased out. Get rid by whatever means OP and be happy. It sounds like his idea of interior design is an extension of his personality

Thank you Ernies. You're right, his leaving this way, knowing it will put me in the shit (I won't be able to get to work) is a continuation of his abuse. He couldn't even look me in the eye when he left.
Now, what to do about work. I depend on my car, I go from house to house.

ie client's houses

My stbx leaves me in the lurch with the car as well.

I work from home full time so don't need it to commute (though I do go into campus maybe once a week). He'll just put that he needs the car on the calendar and leave it to me to sort out a lift home from town for DS1 (6th form). I have very good friends who I can ask.

This control has increased in recent weeks so I've had to tell a couple of people what's going on as I felt they deserved an explanation.
They've been lovely about it, but I'd rather tell people when I'm ready.

I live in a small village so there's gossip, but I know I have very good friends as the ones I've told recently had not heard from other people. Good that I can trust people.

Can you hire a car for a little while to tide you over or so you know anyone that can lend you a car?
It's all about control with him so take the ability for him to control you away. He's taken the car deliberately to upset you and get you to come begging to him so he is in charge still. Take that away from him by shrugging your shoulders and finding an alternative - I know it's not fair on you and it's hard but it's worth it.
You'll find he'll try this sort of trick time and again and it really helps if you can ignore how unfair it feels and just crack on with an alternative solution. Plus it also helps you as it reminds you why you've left the arse in the first place! My XH did this sort of thing all the time, changing plans to have the Dc's when he knew I had plans to go out or sometimes had to go away for work was a favourite so I always made sure I had backup babysitters in place.
You're in control of your own life now!

Good point cantthink - I will see if I can borrow or hire a car from somewhere. Need to think very carefully about how I go about childcare etc next week. He was going to come here to look after kids while I work. Now I'm thinking this might not be the wisest plan? I've just spoken to a good friend at length and she advised not to let him walk in and out of our life/house as he pleases.

The car - worth some inconvenience. He's trying to set the rules

Childcare - I wouldn't let him use the house as his daytime home. Better face facts and find a childminder or nursery

Could you take a few days off work next week to sort things out?

It is a difficult dilemma as I gather your Dc's are quite young? For their sake some sort of normal routine is good and if he normally looks after them at home it's good for them to have some stability (at least in the short term while you're sorting out housing etc) but you really do need strict boundaries with him. He only stays while you're at work, no staying on for dinner etc, as soon as you're home he leaves. I'd also try to make sure you have a plan b for childcare. If he oversteps the mark or makes your life difficult then the arrangement ends. Also, collect up anything valuable of yours (or sentimental) and any paperwork, bank info, passports etc and leave them with a friend or your parents so he can't damage any of it or snoop on your plans. I know my XH snooped through my paperwork but didn't think to take it all elsewhere.
I had to live in the same house as my XH for a year after we separated and it was very difficult as he used every opportunity to try & guilt trip me, blame me for the split and generally make my life difficult. I lost 2 stone because of the stress! It took a while but I did eventually work out that I didn't have to listen to him or engage with him other than with regards to the Dc's and the sale of the house. I set up the spare room as my space and as soon as the Dc's were in bed I went in there and ignored him. It wasn't easy and I wish if had MN then as if have known to do that from day one.