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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally read "why does he do that" and learned my dh is abusive

185 replies

Mamaka · 01/03/2016 08:36

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks but what I've learnt here has blown my mind and opened my eyes.
I am finally reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and have realised I am married to an abuser. I would describe him, from what I've read so far, as water torturer with some demand man and Mr right thrown in. I would also say it seems like low level abuse that ends up wearing you down but after something that happened this morning (after I very consciously changed my usual behaviour to see what would happen) I'm thinking that it's probably only been low level because I've always placated him and gone to him to make up after an argument.
I have to say I'm partly devastated, partly frustrated with myself (how could I be so blind when my own childhood was abusive) but very much relieved to find that I AM NOT CRAZY.
I would like support, encouragement, advice. I haven't yet made any decision about what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 18:00

Thank you for your reassurance Ernies and the reminder - I know as I saw my own mum ground down and she has never recovered.

OP posts:
HoppingForward · 01/03/2016 18:34

I dd what Earnies did, I never took the bait and stayed very impartial to him shouting and threatening. This made him worse, it was like it wasn't good enough and I wasn't acting scared enough of him, that is how he ended up throwing me up the hall and threatening to throw me down the stairs in front of the children.

And that is why, when I got the first opportunity of him just leaving the house I locked him out and made sure he didn't get back in.

He is in nice mode at the moment and I'm just waiting for the nasty fucker, blaming me, calling me unfit, boring and drinking too much but you know what?

I don't do those things now, I was only boring and neck wine because of him.

Be careful. Do you have a joint bank account?

DoreenLethal · 01/03/2016 18:43

His answer was ok then let's separate...and who have you been talking to

I agree this becomes the period of upping the abuse. He will likely also start tracking you and is potentially reading this or other threads you might start.

Keep your wits about you. Use private mode when on here and name change regularly.

The moment he ups the abuse to scare you, call the police and get it logged. Then you can track back and have evidence to keep him out of the house and potentially out of the kids lives should he escalate.

Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 19:23

We do have a joint account yes and all our credit cards are joint. I also have a separate account with nothing in it.
I don't get it - he is now upstairs playing super dad with our eldest. I asked him to apologise to them for this morning (although little one won't really understand so many hours after the event) and he did. I suppose this is nice guy phase although he hasn't even looked at me.

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HoppingForward · 01/03/2016 19:25

And you can call the police because you are scared. He doesn't have to be violent and it will log a call list for your address and they will put you in touch with the DV team.

Take every offer of help in the beginning, I went to my DR and told her everything, she has been amazing.

Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 20:25

I'm not scared though? Feeling a bit confused now as I have literally never been scared of him, only raging angry and frustrated and baffled. But never ever scared.
He eventually came down from playing with the kids and putting them to bed (rare occurrence) to inform me that he'd actually changed his mind - he can't possibly leave his kids as he adores them so much. So he would rather try and change.
We talked about what needed to change and made some "agreements". Only a couple of weeks ago this would have made me very happy but all I see now is the farce of him agreeing to change every so often and fake apologising and then things slipping back to normal. I told him this tonight and he thought that the relationship counselling that we've been waiting for might help us to make lasting change. However I've read a thread on here about counselling with an abusive partner and am now aware of how that can turn out.
I feel like he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes and I'm no longer susceptible to it. Is there any way you can tell if they are being genuine?

OP posts:
HoppingForward · 01/03/2016 20:54

Only you will know when the time is right, keep reading the book, look up old threads you have here.

Re read this thread from the begining and remember what made you start it.

Is he the type of man to admit his mistakes seek help from counselling or is it just words to keep you, in his mind happy. Are you happy?

I spent 15 years married just like this and it took me 4 years to build up the strength and knowledge to understand it's not me, I don't remember things incorrectly, I didn't think or feel things weren't right wrongly it was his mind games. I don't even know if they are aware they are doing it.

I love my husband but can't and will not have him back, my DC are hurting and it will take time to rebuild them but at least I now know they have a honest home to live in with a mum who isn't being driven slowly insane by someone being so kind and generous whilst also manipulating how I feel, what I say and do.

Take the calm time you have now whilst he thinks you are placated to re think and put your own feelings first for a change. Flowers

RomiiRoo · 01/03/2016 21:12

It is still messing with your head - you think he will leave; then you have Super Dad and Mr Nice till you behave again and the old patterns are reinstated; and then the cycle resumes etc.

Pannacott · 01/03/2016 21:24

Hmm... Couples therapy can be helpful, if the person is really motivated to change. But hard to tell in your situation right now - what he is saying could be the abusers script, or it it could be sincere.

How come you are 'waiting' for therapy? I guess you could go and if it feels genuinely helpful it could be a positive, but if it feels like he is recruiting the therapist to bash you further, and not really being open about his behaviour, then just carry on with the separating. You wouldn't necessarily be in a worse off position than you are now. And you can still get your ducks in a row at the same time.

Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 21:33

We are on a waiting list which seems to be taking bloody ages. We had our initial session I think 3 weeks ago. It felt really helpful at the time and we were both nicer to each other for a couple of weeks after and it felt genuine. He had admitted to being an extremely poor communicator, nothing else got brought up that time. We started slipping again over the weekend that's just gone. I think I will do as pannacott suggested, go but continue to be detached in my head and do this duck thing!
I do feel like I've had a break through. I can see through his behaviour and don't want to get hooked back in. There's still a small part though that makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt, purely for our kids sake. If there was genuine change... I'd stay. Although I don't think I will trust what he says ever again. It's all about taking action isn't it, not bullshitty words.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 21:34

How long can an abuser keep up the nice act? I feel like I want some kind of timeline in my head.

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Pannacott · 01/03/2016 21:37

Well, it's great that you have been once and things got a bit better. Couples therapy can be hard work and take a while, but it does sound like he was able to recognise some things that he was doing that are unhelpful. Call them and chase up how long you'll be waiting for? Good luck.

tbtc20 · 01/03/2016 22:18

Re logging with the police. I did this and they turned up at the door.

Be prepared for that (I wasn't).

Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 22:20

Thank you everyone. Going to sleep easier tonight xx

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Original poster
Mamaka · 01/03/2016 22:39

Hopping - I'd missed your last post somehow but I like your advice. He thinks all is calm again and I am taking this time to read, think, observe. The more pages of the book I read the more gobsmacked I am. Parts of it are literally describing him to a t.
You asked if I'm happy, well I think I am actually. My happiness comes completely from within me. I have been working on that for years, even going way back before I met my dh I understood that I can't rely on a partner to provide my happiness. So yes I am happy - but I know I would be happier if my relationship was also healthy.
Is he the kind of person to admit mistakes? I don't know, I've seen him do it but no change happens so I've lost trust in his words. He can be quite the humble guy with others too. Just not at home.

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Marchate · 02/03/2016 00:17

An abuser can keep up the nice act for a long, long time if it suits him. Gradually you are put back in your place, then the true self resurfaces

Think how long you knew him before he started doing little things to make you uncomfortable. Months? Years even? They can do it as long as it's in their interest

Take care

Fidelia · 02/03/2016 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mamaka · 02/03/2016 07:38

Woke up this morning and he's all kisses and cuddles. I keep reading here and reading why does he do it, so I can keep my mind clear. We're in nice phase.
My next counselling session is alone, should I tell her what is going on? Do counsellors understand? Is this common knowledge?

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Original poster
Mamaka · 02/03/2016 10:24

I feel like a mug today. It keeps going round and round my head "my dh is abusive my dh is abusive". I thought I knew what to look for, having grown up with abuse, manipulation and fear. Turns out there are many levels and forms of abuse. And my dh IS abusive.

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MoominPie22 · 02/03/2016 10:35

I note you´re talking of couples counselling...so if he´s abusive why do you want to stay with him? Can you not see a future without him?

petalsandstars · 02/03/2016 10:54

A good counsellor should recognise abuse - I'd say tell them

Marchate · 02/03/2016 11:21

Tell the counsellor, provided they are not also seeing your husband. Alone or with you

It's important that you can speak freely. If he is likely to become part of the conversation, guard your words. He can use your honesty against you

Original poster
Mamaka · 02/03/2016 20:24

I've finally got my appointment through from Relate. We've had our initial appointment together (3 weeks ago) and next week I've got one on my own, the week after he's got one on his own and the week after we go together. I asked if the counsellor had experience with emotional abuse and got a generic reply about all counsellors being trained in abuse and dv.
What is the best thing to do here? Can counsellor bring up things I've said to her, in his appointment?

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AnyFucker · 02/03/2016 20:49

You should not be doing joint counselling with an abuser

pocketsaviour · 02/03/2016 21:33

I feel like a mug today. It keeps going round and round my head "my dh is abusive my dh is abusive". I thought I knew what to look for, having grown up with abuse, manipulation and fear. Turns out there are many levels and forms of abuse. And my dh IS abusive.

Please don't feel like a mug. I grew up with an incredibly abusive dad, I thought I would be clued up, but fell prey to an abuser who used different techniques instead. "He's not hitting me so he must be okay" came into play a lot. Then after getting rid of that twat, I saddled myself to a fella who specialised in passive aggression - for 7 years!

You've opened your eyes, you've seen his abusive ways. Don't feel foolish, abusers are bloody clever at what they do. Flowers

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