Finally read "why does he do that" and learned my dh is abusive

[Mamaka]

I've only been on MN for a couple of weeks but what I've learnt here has blown my mind and opened my eyes.
I am finally reading "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft and have realised I am married to an abuser. I would describe him, from what I've read so far, as water torturer with some demand man and Mr right thrown in. I would also say it seems like low level abuse that ends up wearing you down but after something that happened this morning (after I very consciously changed my usual behaviour to see what would happen) I'm thinking that it's probably only been low level because I've always placated him and gone to him to make up after an argument.
I have to say I'm partly devastated, partly frustrated with myself (how could I be so blind when my own childhood was abusive) but very much relieved to find that I AM NOT CRAZY.
I would like support, encouragement, advice. I haven't yet made any decision about what to do.

Sorry for interrupting your thread OP.

I just get on the way on MM. I think I'll leave the site.

Marchate - I work in the evening. Usually 5-8.30pm so h gives dinner and puts kids (age 2 and 3) to bed. I think I will keep that routine for the sake of my kids having minimal interruption and besides there's nobody else to do it. Cantthink - thanks for all that advice. Hadn't thought of the fact he'd be here without me and would inevitably snoop or take paperwork etc.

Tbtc20 - you haven't interrupted? Hope you are ok?

Tbtc20, it's fine, you're not in the way, MN doesn't work like that!

Is the car in your name?

Tbtc, everyone who needs help and support is welcome to chime in. Others people's threads can be really supportive

Sorry for continuous update but don't really know what to do - h is now saying that while "all this is going on" he would rather not come to the house when it's his turn to look after the kids. He wants me to drop him and them all at his sister's then use the car then go back for the kids at the end of the evening but this seems very disruptive to the kids (where will they have dinner, be put to bed? They'll end up falling asleep in the car every night) and just proves he's trying to call the shots rather than do the best for our kids. How should I respond? So angry at him.

Now he is saying if we are to have space he thinks it would be better to get a babysitter. He knows full well there is no money to pay for a babysitter and it will be across their bedtime, I don't want someone I don't know putting them to bed! And when the hell is he going to see them??

Go to your doctors and tell them what is happening and get booked off sick for a couple of weeks.

Tell him you don't need his help and he can just go.

This will give you time to gather friends and resources. Just block him out and give yourself some time to think.

Do you think you can do that?

I'm self employed so while that means I can cancel all appointments for a couple of weeks it also means I'll have no income. I'm planning to tell my sister tomorrow so hopefully next week she can help me out more. I'm so disappointed in him not wanting that time with his kids.

Can you reschedule some of your work? Even two or three clear days would give you time to make decisions about childcare

Yes I think you're right, I've just rescheduled today's work and then I have until Tuesday off to think it through.

You can use the time to make arrangements you are happy with

Let him think he's still in control, messing you around! Rely on him for absolutely nothing. You're smart enough to find your own solutions

I'm so bloody angry!! Is this a sign of things to come re him calling the shots with the dc? Stupid fricking arsehole!!!!! Always claimed he didn't want to leave the kids. He's been gone a few hours and he's about turned and is backing out of all duties!!! I guess this is him trying to punish me and he probably also thinks I won't cope without him and will ask him to come back.
Well he's wrong.

Withdrawing childcare to cause work issues was a technique my ex used, it makes you dependent. The harsh truth is that unless you can sort it yourself you ARE dependent.
With exH it was a long war of attrition - it is about him trying to reestablish control. He will want to spend time with the DC when it helps him in that goal.
Sorry I am jaded. It is sh*t. But you need a childcare strategy which does not involve him if you are to have any hope of finding your own feet. Ignore the emotions and think practically.

Actually, you need to be 100% self-sufficient if you want away from this.

Thank you Marchate. You're so right I am more than smart and resourceful enough. I have plenty of friends who will be willing to help and my sister will want to support me any way she can. I'm going to stop replying to his texts for the time being. I'm going to hire a car (suppose I better get used to debt) and he can see the kids on my terms.

Sadly, lots of men claim they will miss the children, want to have them to stay over, until they find the single life suits them just fine. Some discover it quicker than others

Assume he will be of no help, ever. Even in an emergency. Make your own arrangements. Stay in control. The children will benefit from having one reliable parent - you

Romiiroo you've confirmed my fears.
I am capable of being completely self sufficient and I do not mind claiming benefits for a while if it means not relying on him. Any ideas where to start with benefits while working between 10-16 hours self employed?

Gov.uk Benefits section

I called council tax office, they need his new address in order to reduce my council tax? I don't think I can give his sister's as presumably he won't stay there long?

According to the benefits calculator I can get support for mortgage interest (didn't even know that existed), a reduction in council tax and a small amount of tax credits. V helpful, that has made me feel more confident already. I presume that the mortgage support is only if your ex isn't paying towards it though? Surely he's still liable? What will happen if he decides to stop contributing?

I would give his sisters place as his address and claim everything you can for now. If he contributes then sort it then.

This is exactly the sort of behaviour I was talking about! Messing you around and moving the goalposts. It's absolutely infuriating!! The XH would also throw in lovely comments about me "dumping" the kids every chance I got but when he didn't want to look after them it was "different". He still has that attitude with me sometimes ten years down the line.
The key is not to let him know it's annoyed you as that's what he wants - to get to you. Just think of him as the pathetic little bully that he is and ignore ignore ignore as much as possible.
Great that you've started to look into what you're entitled to. I'd give the council his sisters address for now then it's up to him to update it later when he's sorted a place out.
Not sure about the mortgage interest support but he's still responsible for the mortgage even if he's not living there.

I am swinging between raging mad and feeling like I'm grieving. I simply cannot accept the lack of care he is showing for our children. This I think will be the thing that will hurt the most in the coming weeks/months/years.
Cantthink - is there a happy story of how well your dc did after your xh had gone??